Kami

[Kami]

Character Name: Kami Kriscien
Character Source: SWU - pending (sorta)
Character Faction/Alignment: Independent / Fringe (ish)
Type of Roleplay: Three men walk into a bar... whatever strikes your fancy - you throw and I'll catch.
Roleplay Requirements: See above - Kami isn't really combat-oriented, but whatever you're in the mood for.
Reason for Request: A long time away from even low-tech roleplay - definitely looking for advice to improve my posts before I jump into the deep end.
Notes: Kami is en route to <insert system here>, where she will make her arrival proper. Between here and there I'll do the application, but want to feel her out a bit here first if that's okay.

Roleplay:

"I wanna go home, and rethink my life."

Her head rose in surprise and the green-eyed woman took in an all-too-familiar scene. It had been literal weeks of one sleazy dead-end bar after another. With her blaster by her side she was more than capable of discouraging any unwanted attention, but too many barrels in faces tended to leave her sitting alone in a corner, overpriced drink her only company. Not that the Corellian ale was expensive, just that - she took a sip, grimaced and set the drink down with a click - it was ordinary at best.

She had to get another job, and soon.

Flicking her rogue locks back out of her face, Kami Kriscien looked over toward the voice that had brought her out of her reverie; a skinny young Balosar, who by the looks of things had the sheer bad fortune to try dealing deathsticks to what must be the only incorruptible security officer this side of the Hydian Way. "That's nice kid, but the law's the law. I can't just let you deal right out in front of me and not bring you in - it'd be my tag!" The older human paused, brandishing his pistol in the sweating youth's face. "No, I'm afraid you're coming with me. Unless..."

Still watching the byplay from her table, the blue-haired woman winced inwardly - she could see where this was going, even if the alien couldn't. "Unless? Please, just give me another chance - I'll do anything!" The guard gave a nod to the bartender then made his way out, towing his reluctant captive with him. Kami laid mental odds on whether the kid would show up an informer, or having bought the man off after all. It would take wit, spine, strength of- yeah, no, the kid would wind up owned by Security one way or the other. Damn shame.

Putting off any further encounters with her Ale, Kami idly turned in place; getting a notion of the others sharing the bar with her. You never knew - maybe one of these people would actually know who she was, or wind up offering her a position. A small chance perhaps, but one worth waiting on - for a few more days anyway. Maybe that man in full Mandalorian battle gear? Or perhaps the Bith with the synthcorder? No, this was getting ridiculous - if not quite bad enough to resort to tuning treadgears for the Free Droid Enclave.

She had to be missing something.

[Jenno]

Hey there, welcome to SWU, hope I can help you get back into things a bit .

"I wanna go home, and rethink my life." ((Starting with speech, nice, I like it. It's a good way to jump in and grab the reader's attention from the get-go.))

Her head rose in surprise and the green-eyed woman took in an all-too-familiar scene. ((You say all-too-familiar but it seems like the event she's witnessing isn't that common, in fact you say later that the guard's one of the 'only incorruptible security officer', it's not a big deal but just thought I'd point it out.)) It had been literal weeks of one sleazy dead-end bar after another. With her blaster by her side she was more than capable of discouraging any unwanted attention, but too many barrels in faces tended to leave her sitting alone in a corner, ((I feel as though this little sub clause could do with a bit of a rewording/rewriting, it doesn't quite sound right and because of that disrupts the flow a little.)) an overpriced drink being her only company. Not that the Corellian ale was expensive, just that - she took a sip, grimaced and set the drink down with a click - it was ordinary at best. ((Don't often see people use dashes, I approve.))

She had to get another job, and soon.

Flicking her rogue locks back out of her face, Kami Kriscien looked over toward the voice that had brought her out of her reverie; a skinny young Balosar, who by the looks of things had the sheer bad fortune to try dealing deathsticks to what must be the only incorruptible security officer this side of the Hydian Way. ((I Like the content of this sentence, but I think that it goes on for too long, after the mention of Balosar particularly it becomes a bit of a mouthful.)) "That's nice kid, but the law's the law. I can't just let you deal right out in front of me and not bring you in - it'd be my tag!" ((I don't quite understand the use of the word tag here, it may in part be the lack of translation from American to British, I know that it can be used to say an officer tagged someone for speeding or some such, but it still doesn't quite make sense to me. I checked with two people more used to the American dialect and they also weren't sure. Is it just a matter of different understandings?)) The older human paused, brandishing his pistol in the sweating youth's face. "No, I'm afraid you're coming with me. Unless..."

Still watching the byplay ((Nice.)) from her table, the blue-haired woman winced inwardly ((This reminded me of an earlier line, it's a nice subtle way to get out a description of her, but I'd perhaps rethink the use of 'blue-haired woman' after you've used 'green-eyed woman', I think an easier way to mention her hair colour would be in the sentence you talk about Kami flicking her rogue locks.)) - she could see where this was going, even if the alien couldn't. "Unless? Please, just give me another chance - I'll do anything!" The guard gave a nod to the bartender then made his way out, towing his reluctant captive with him. Kami laid mental odds on whether the kid would show up an informer, or having bought the man off after all. It would take wit, spine, and strength of- yeah, no, the kid would wind up owned by Security one way or the other. Damn shame.

Putting off any further encounters with her ale, Kami idly turned in place; getting a notion of the others sharing the bar with her. You never knew - maybe one of these people would actually know who she was, or wind up offering her a position. A small chance perhaps, but one worth waiting on - for a few more days anyway. Maybe that man in full Mandalorian battle gear? Or perhaps the Bith with the synthcorder? No, this was getting ridiculous - if not quite bad enough to resort to tuning treadgears for the Free Droid Enclave.

She had to be missing something.

A quality post, I wouldn't have thought that you'd not been RPing for a while. There are a few things though, first of all I thought that you did quite an excellent job in the intro post, it's usually quite a challenge to set the scene and make a reader really get to know a character a bit at the same time (as generally that comes later through the interaction of PCs). One of the big things that I thought helped with this was the use of dashes which I mentioned in my comments in the quotes, it's a good way to show the reader what the character is thinking right alongside the events taking place. However, towards the end I felt that they were used perhaps a bit too much. I think by using them too often you can in turn devalue their use, after all, I generally don't see as many dashes in a page of posts, let alone just one, and in the final paragraph there were some of them which I believe could have simply been commas.

I think I caught all the things I really wanted to say, just the odd consideration about flow, but nothing really substantial stood out to me. Overall I think this was a great post to get the ball rolling, you get a sense of character attitude and personality, a bit of description but not so much that it's written so obviously as to simply be description, also you understand the nature of her current desire as well, which just sets things up nicely for the person you're RPing with.

Oh yea, that'd be me.

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"Looking for someone?"

Drink readily in hand, Lash slipped onto the seat beside the blurry but unmistakably attractive female. There was a beaming grin upon his lips, it shined so brightly that it seemed to have dazed the rest of his face. He took a sip of his drink, it tasted like warmth.

"You look like you're looking for someone. Or have you found what it looked like you were looking for?" He barely paused for a second. "Looked like you were watchin' those two what just left, the 'Sec and the kid. Good thing they used the front door right? Way their conversation was, it woulda been a bit different if they'd gone out the back." He started to struggle against the hilarious idea of laughing. Gradually he managed to obtain some sembelence of composure. "Not one of them renegade hero types are ya? Gonna go out there and save that kid from the 'law'? 'Cause I would love to see that. And may I be honest? I would also find that quite alluring."

After consuming more sweet nectar, Lash found that he had drained yet another glass of its glorious contents. "Can I have another over here? And one for the lady as well if you'd be so kind." As his new drink arrived Lash took the initial taste test, though by this point he could no longer actually distinguish any flavour.

"Don't recall seeing you around here before. What brings you to this haven of honour and comradery?" He asked, with his winning smile.

[Kami]

Her head rose in surprise and the green-eyed woman took in an all-too-familiar scene. ((You say all-too-familiar but it seems like the event she's witnessing isn't that common, in fact you say later that the guard's one of the 'only incorruptible security officer', it's not a big deal but just thought I'd point it out.))

I was referring to the sleazy dead-end cantina, but I get the confusion; will work on that ^^

Regarding the 'tag' I was sort of trying to invent a local dialect for the unspecified space station/spaceport/backwater world. Or I may have heard it somewhere before, but if so it's a blur now - still, if it's unclear from context then it's not doing its job right.

Thanks for your other comments. I do recognise that I'm a little dash-happy at times (there I go again) so I'll try to fix that too.

Oh, and I did get a little incoherent towards the end (as it was coming up on 6am and my mind was getting blurry too!) so sorry about that as well ;D

Onwards!

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"Do I look like a Jedi?"

Pushing her chair back a few feet, the young spacer spun around to regard the newcomer with a practised eye. A few drinks in him by the looks of things, but only so much as to get him friendly rather than stupid.

Friendly was good.

"I look out for people if they're getting into too much trouble. Or if they're my friends. Or if they're on my team." She paused, then thought about that. "Yeah, I think that covers it. The way that kid was going he needs someone holding his leash. At least if it's the Sec's collar he's wearin' then Law and Order is on his side. For what that's worth this far out in the Rim." Sliding her pseudo-ale away from her with marked distaste now there's something better on offer, she peered inquisitively at her new associate. "Besides which, if you take responsibility for someone then in my book you need to hang around or they'll fall down the same pit tomorrow. I won't be here for long - unless you know different?"

Arching one finely-formed brow the woman proffered her hand to him, "Kami. Kamwynn if you're feeling formal, and Kamini if you want me to belt you; but Kami to my friends. As for what I'm doing here... well." She smiled slightly, laughter dancing in her eyes. "Would you believe I'm writing a book on the top 200 spaceport cantinas, galaxy-wide?" While drinking cheap Corellian pseudo-ale. And wearing a well-made but clearly worn jumpsuit and jacket. Yyyeah.

Taking a sip from the new yellow drink, both eyebrows shot up as a warm glow spread down and through her and she broke into a quick gamine grin. "What is that? And where in the stars did you find it?" She couldn't help herself; there was just something about it that had her body relaxing more than she had in days.

"So if I'm not going to be alluring you by running off and interferin' with the law, what can I do for you in this den of friendly iniquity?" For all her words to the contrary, a small part of her attention was on that front door and she nodded fractionally when the young Balosar reappeared, looking dazed and relieved. Poor idiot.

[Jenno]

Apr 23, 2012 9:30:23 GMT -5 Kami said:

"Do I look like a Jedi?"

Pushing her chair back a few feet, the young spacer spun around to regard the newcomer with a practised eye. A few drinks in him by the looks of things, but only so much as to get him friendly rather than stupid.

Friendly was good.

"I look out for people if they're getting into too much trouble. Or if they're my friends. Or if they're on my team." She paused, then thought about that. "Yeah, I think that covers it. The way that kid was going he needs someone holding his leash. At least if it's the Sec's collar he's wearin' then Law and Order ((Doesn't really stand out as a case of adding caps as a way to personify law and order so I don't believe it needs the caps, unless you were on about the TV show. Dun dun.)) is on his side. For what that's worth this far out in the Rim." Sliding her pseudo-ale away from her with marked distaste now there's something better on offer, she peered inquisitively at her new associate. "Besides which, if you take responsibility for someone then in my book you need to hang around or they'll fall down the same pit tomorrow. I won't be here for long - unless you know different?"

Arching one finely-formed brow the woman proffered her hand to him, "Kami. Kamwynn if you're feeling formal, and Kamini if you want me to belt you; but Kami to my friends. As for what I'm doing here... well." She smiled slightly, laughter dancing in her eyes. "Would you believe I'm writing a book on the top 200 spaceport cantinas, galaxy-wide?" ((I think you put the speech marks in too early? This next part seems too out of place for narrative so I'm assuming it was a typo?)) While drinking cheap Corellian pseudo-ale. And wearing a well-made but clearly worn jumpsuit and jacket. Yyyeah.

Taking a sip from the new yellow drink, both eyebrows shot up as a warm glow spread down and through her and she broke into a quick gamine grin. "What is that? And where in the stars did you find it?" She couldn't help herself; there was just something about it that had her body relaxing more than she ((Would probably sound a bit better if you said 'it' instead of 'she', although it still sounds a little off in my head even after that.)) had in days.

"So if I'm not going to be alluring you by running off and interferin' with the law, what can I do for you in this den of friendly iniquity?" For all her words to the contrary, a small part of her attention was on that front door and she nodded fractionally when the young Balosar reappeared, looking dazed and relieved. Poor idiot.

Can't really say there's much to give any guidance about here, you've got a nice style/length and it makes me just want to write along and enjoy myself which is always a welcome vibe. The few things I pointed out are generally just minor things that everyone makes mistakes with from time to time.

I think the question now is do you want me to see about helping you maintain this kind of quality or do you want me to try and see if there are things I can suggest to take it further. Though generally I find that comes more from experimentation/practice at this stage.

___________________________________________________________

"Well, I ain't never seen a Jedi up close and personal before. Suppose if they did look like you I would have tried to get to know them sooner."

She'd moved a bit closer, Lash tried to focus on her face. Still a bit blurry. "Oh my, aren't you a noble one, not many that'd do such a thing 'round these parts, and those that would often times end up gettin' shot in the back." Her words started getting a bit too serious for Lash, he tried to avoid questions of morality. "I don't know much, but I know that rodian over there sucks at poker almost as much as he does at pazaak, and I also know that alcohol is the saviour of all sentient-kind, 'cept those what can't drink it 'cause they're allergic, or those that it kills, man have they got it rough."

He took another swig. Yea, that was the stuff. "Well now, what name is there for those who aren't friends and ain't lookin' to be over formal. I have always said, incurin' physical contact is always a good way to make a memorable impression." He pondered for a moment. "Actually, don't think I have always said that, might've thought it before but not really found the opportunity to say it with words, that I can recall anyway." He smiled as she unveiled the mystery behind her being in this cantina. "Well Kami, I think if you're writing about the top spots you've come to the wrong place. But if you do go to writing down about this place don't forget to mention that dashing fellow who bought you a drink, and you can write his name down as Lash Venedray, or Lash, depends on the tone of piece I suppose."

"Ah my friend," after seeing her enjoy the drink he could resist the urge to have more of his own, "whilst the ale in places like these might taste like the sweat collected from a rancor's backside, their's little they can get wrong with a Corellian spiced ale. The drink of legends I tell ya." He did so enjoy watching someone enjoying a good alcoholic drink, especially when that someone was female.

As he enjoyed his drink and the company, his less-than-sharp eyes trailed with Kami's brief glance over to the door as the kid from earlier came back in. Seemed like she had a bit of kindness in her, that was rare around these parts.

"Well, maybe we'll discover new ways in which you might be alluring." He grinned. "And I'm only here for the money, the alcohol and the... company. Don't think it's about what I want, it's more a question of you're wanting coming to a place like this."