Baba

[Poludnica]

Character Name: Danica (I feel the most comfortable with her when it comes to ideas)
Character Source: swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=civaccept&action=display&thread=15871&page=1
Character Faction/Alignment: At this point an heir to the large business on Coruscant. Civvie. Slightly racist, goes with her upbringing. Generally kind of mean and feisty charrie <.<
Type of Roleplay: Any, wherever it goes. It happens two years in the past from current timeline. So I guess Blast From The Past?
Roleplay Requirements: Up to the mentor.
Reason for Request: In truth it's been only two years for me in English rp. I would like to get better when it comes to writing in this language. I often use strange metaphors that may not be readable or just plainly suck at times with grammar, spelling, vocabulary (and of course damn articles) etc... Would like to spot the most common mistakes and fix them ^^ Maybe get some tips on good rping?
Notes: Anyone with good written English can help here, so feel free to post.
Roleplay:

The dark haired woman's eyes froze on a meat stew that was pushed her way. With loathing she fished out few credits from her small purse and placed the chit on a filthy counter. An almost square Nautolan quickly took the money without leaving any change. Danica's eyes narrowed. ”There should be ten credits left.” The demanding tone of her voice caused the large alien to frown with displeasure. ”But!” The young woman protested, although menace in the green being's stare silenced her almost immediately. Out of her element and slightly intimidated Danica backed off but not before scoffing at the dish. ”Disgusting.” She commented and turned around on her heel with comical theatricality.

Angry shouts and insults coming from the alien haunted her until she found a narrow alley to dive in. Danica inhaled deeply, smelling exotic spices that filled the air around Galactic Market. It was late, nearly midnight but that was when this place felt alive. The struggles of a day vanished letting evening mirth to take over. For someone like her, whose family were self-proclaimed aristocrats born into money, it felt like an entirely different dimension hidden just around the corner. It was maybe one hour drive with a speeder to get here from the Sah'c District but it felt like landing on an alien planet.

It was a relief sometimes to exchange an exquisite dresses and skirts to simple, tastefully cut pants. The leather jacket only helped to hide her identity. Today and now she was but a typical citizen trying to find their luck in a muddle of twisting streets. As far Danica knew it could be the last day of such freedom. Tomorrow everything would change. Her father expected of his daughter to step up and take over some of the business' dealings. Something she abhorred. I paid for your education, I expect returns from this investment. Still echoed in her mind. After all that was everything she was for Cassius – an expensive show-off toy he could flaunt in front of his rich friends.

Pangs of anger began to gnaw at the girl, causing a mild headache already pulsing under her skull. With a sigh of frustration, she shook her head, letting loose all strands of raven black hair. ”Son of a b*tch.” Danica breathed and balled her hands into fists. Trying to pull her attention from the inner turmoil, the girl looked around catching a glimpse of something shiny. With brows furrowed in curiosity, the woman walked over to a small trinket lying on the ground. She reached her hand and let the slender fingers to close around the metallic object. Someone must have lost it...

[Kella]

Hey there! =D

You already write better than many native English speakers I know, so I'm more than glad to help you polish off those last few fiddly bits. ;D Since you're looking specifically for grammar advice, I'll go ahead and point out all the little pedantic things. x3 Which, actually, there aren't all that many. ;D Anywho. Enough of my rambling, let's get to business. >D

May 22, 2012 13:36:18 GMT -5 Poludnica said:

The dark haired woman's eyes froze on a meat stew that was pushed her way. With loathing she fished out few credits from her small purse and placed the chit on a filthy counter. An almost square ((In this context, square could be used to describe his features -- being angular or square-jawed -- or his character -- being stiff and rule-oriented --, so it might fit. But, I'm not exactly sure what you mean by it. x3)) Nautolan quickly took the money without leaving any change. Danica's eyes narrowed. ”There should be ten credits left.” The demanding tone of her voice caused the large alien to frown with displeasure. ”But!” The young woman protested, although ((It's technically grammatically correct as-is, but it would be more typical to say 'the menace' or 'a hint of menace'.)) menace in the green being's stare silenced her almost immediately. Out of her element and slightly intimidated Danica backed off, but not before scoffing at the dish. ”Disgusting.,” Sshe commented and turned around on her heel with comical theatricality. ((I love this phrase, 'comical theatricality'. xD And you say you're no good with vocab, pish posh.))

Angry shouts and insults coming from the alien haunted her until she found a narrow alley to dive in. Danica inhaled deeply, smelling exotic spices that filled the air around Galactic Market. It was late, nearly midnight, but that was when this place felt alive. The struggles of a day vanished letting evening mirth to take over. (('Evening mirth' is another fantastic phrase.)) For someone like her, whose family were comprised self-proclaimed aristocrats born into money, it the Galactic Market felt like an entirely different dimension hidden just around the corner. It was maybe one hour drive with a speeder to get here from the Sah'c District but it felt like landing on an alien planet. ((I tend to try to avoid using 'here' in my third-person narration, because a third-person narrator theoretically isn't there. Granted, I tend to blend character thoughts and narration quite a lot, but something about using 'here' just seems to break the spell for me. xD So, this is totally subjective, but I think I'd phrase it more like... 'It was maybe one hour's speeder drive from the Sah'c district, but stepping into the market felt like landing on an alien planet.'))

It was a relief sometimes to exchange an exquisite dresses and skirts to for simple, tastefully cut pants. The leather jacket only helped to hide her identity. Today and now At that moment she was but a typical citizen trying to find their her luck in a muddle of twisting streets. As far Danica knew it could be the last day of such freedom. Tomorrow everything would change. Her father expected of his daughter to step up and take over some of the business' dealings. Something she abhorred. I paid for your education, I expect returns from this investment. Still echoed in her mind. After all, that was everything she was for to Cassius – an expensive show-off toy he could flaunt in front of his rich friends.

Pangs of anger began to gnaw at the girl, causing exasperating a mild headache already pulsing under her skull. ((This is a connotation thing -- you can't cause something that's already started. So you'd want a verb that's a bit more additive than 'cause'. 'Exasperate' is a personal favorite of mine, but 'amplify', 'exaggerating', or 'intensifying' would also work well.)) With a sigh of frustration, she shook her head, letting loose all strands of raven black hair. "Son of a b*tch.” Danica breathed and balled her hands into fists. Trying to pull her attention from the inner turmoil, the girl looked around, catching a glimpse of something shiny. With brows furrowed in curiosity, the woman walked over to a small trinket lying on the ground. She reached her hand and let the slender fingers to close around the metallic object. Someone must have lost it...

Added a few commas here and there, which are purple, just don't know how obvious they are. xD Very good post. =)

My turn! =D

---

"Hey, that's mine!"

A child peered cautiously around the edge of a crate, near the mouth of the alley. Her pink dress was faded and threadbare, but clean, and a wild mane of curly brown hair framed her round, flushed face. The girl couldn't have been older than seven, though there was an acute awareness in her expression. She glanced at the woman with bright green eyes, but quickly looked back to the trinket. It was a small pewter rabbit, whose once-etched fur had been rubbed smooth and shiny by a thousand worries.

"Can I have it back?" She demanded, more than asked. Then, as an afterthought, "Please?"

[Poludnica]

Thank you Kiwi! ^^ For taking this mentoring and your nice words. I am glad my grammar is not this obnoxious xD It's a great relief.

Actually the two phrases you mentioned as so likeable are in fact commonly used in Polish literature, I just tried to translate them properly so yay for working. Especially “evening mirth” is something used very often in fantasy novels.

Though I guess sometimes it can be a trap, because 'square' when couple with a living person means someone who is very burly. I think it is one of those little traps I get when trying to apply my native's language quirks. I will try to be watchful.

Thank you for pointing out little grammar things, especially 'of' . 'to' and 'for'. It is often a trouble for me to match it with a proper verb. What will be extremely useful is exasperating  which I had no idea can be used in such context. Overall I am glad the post was good despite those hiccups ^.^

Ok, enough of the talk xD Onto the post!

**************************************

It was soft under her fingertips. Danica moved her fingers, feeling the tousled fur. In the pale light of street lamp the white rabbit paw seemed to glow faintly. The bauble looked used; the fluff was thinner in some places, exposing rough undercoat. For a moment the woman rubbed at the trinket as if following some innate call that demanded stroking everything fluffy.

So odd. For a moment Danica's mind went blank and all attention focused on the little thing that rested in her palm, when a human voice abruptly brought. Sharp words commanded attention enough for the woman to look up with a frown of displeasure marring her surgically crafted visage.

A child...The alley was dark but even in the soft glow of a neon light coming from a bar hidden farther away, Danica could see the girl's rosy cheeks and wildly curled hair thought what caught the young woman's attention the most were the eyes, – bright, clever, vivid and green. A mirror of her own. Something about this thought was uncomfortable though, only serving to knit Danica's brows more tightly.

”How do I know it's yours?” The woman asked, letting the trinket to dangle on one of her fingers. Verdant eyes, almost brightly chartreuse in a ghostly light of the nearest lamp, moved to gather all the details about little annoying creature before them. The dress looked poor but wasn't this scruffy. The girl didn't look like a street urchin, at least not like a typical one. Danica then wondered how many such street scamps she had seen or known to be sure. There was this unpleasant feeling such children caused in the woman – a strange mixture of disgust and pity.

”Where are your parents? Who lets you wander alone at this hour?” The young woman moved few steps closer, discovering even more similarities between herself and the little brat which she liked even less. The flickering, reddish glow from the neon sign even made the girl's wild mane black, only adding to the impression. For now Danica decided to ignore the claiming request and kept the flossy trifle.

((I changed the font color to diverse your comments from the post better ^^))