Tobi Grey

[shadowofredemption]

Name: Tobi Grey
Race: Miraluka
Age: 11
Height: 4ft 5
Weight: 120lbs
Skin Color: Light tan
Hair Color/style: Jet Black, Skinhead
Birth place: Naboo

Appearance:

Tobi is short with pale skin, & jet black hair (skin head hairstyle, no Padawan braid). Tobi resembles his mother having her small nose and and sharp facial features. He wears (the default) gray tunic, pants, and robes, with the addition of a leather utility belt and boots. Having no eyes he wears a plain visor to cover up the vacant eye sockets.

Personality:

Tobi considers himself a passive person, often avoiding conflict and battles preferring to solve problems diplomatically rather than swinging a lightsaber. However he does join tournaments for recreational purposes and training.

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Initiate

Lightsaber: Curved hilt, Single blade
Color: Dark Indigo

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho (1)
Makashi (n/a)
Soresu (n/a)
Ataru (n/a)
Shien / Djem So (n/a)
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman (n/a)
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo (n/a)
Double Bladed Combat (n/a)

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 2
Body: 3
Sense: 3
Protection: 3
Healing: 4
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Leadership: 4

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 3
Ranged Weapons: 1

Bio:

Tobi was born on the planet Naboo in 3642.BBY. His family being part of the Trade Federation migrated from planet to planet over a couple of centuries become quite influential people. His family consisted of his mother and sisters as well as other relatives who lived on different planet.

No one is sure what happened to Tobi's father, he mysteriously vanished without a trace, some say he was assassinated other just believe he upped and went without a word, abandoning his family.

Childhood
========
Tobi was raised alone by his mother being the eldest of three children, Tobi had a close relationship with both his siblings and his mother being the only family he has. although never found out what happened to his father Tobi still harbors a deep hatred for him leaving them without a reason why.

being sent to the finest private schools on Naboo to learn Trade, robotics and business in a hope that he would be the successor of the family business after his Uncle Karo'k passed away either of old age of disease.

Although being trained in the business background Tobi had an inept interest in healing and medicines, sometimes immersing in books and holocrons in his spare. he time at the private schools came to an end when he was found by an unnamed Jedi assigned to a mission on the planet, after that he was whisked away to the Jedi academy

From that time onwards until present day Tobi is still at the academy training his skills ready for the day he is chosen by a master to be his padawan.


RP Sample:

[Tao of Baransu]

I'm by no means a mod, so feel free to ignore everything I say here. But, I think I can help you change a few things before a mod gets here to make both your jobs easier.

First, your lightsaber. Seeing as how you are still a Youngling, you wouldn't have your own lightsaber. You'd have a training saber, which could only singe and cause welts. That being said, Indigo is a rare color and should you chose to make your Jedi older such a crystal would need to be justified in your bio.

Shi-Cho you could probably increase to 2, that seems to be the average for all the Youngling profile I have seen.

Your force skills are WAY to high. When you get ready to become a Padawan the accepted total is either 9 or 10 with no higher than a 3 in any skill.

Your stats are also a bit high. 5 is average for an adult, so, based on that logic you can see that you need to bring down your stats a bit. Also, a leadership of 4 hints that your character has some experience leading people, and being as that he is 11, I highly doubt it. That should be a 0 or 1.

You wouldn't have any training in melee or ranged weapons, though I think your unarmed could be a 1 at the highest. If I remember correctly Younglings are give very minimal training in unarmed combat.

Ok, the Bio... I think it could use a bit more detail. You seem to have a lot of things crammed in there and barely mention his family. I think it would be good to expand on them a little more, do they have names? Was he the oldest? Also, I believe that the oldest one can be taken to become a Youngling is at age 6, so I do not think your Youngling would be immersing himself in holocrons and studying medical things, remember he is just a kid.

Also, if he was born on Naboo he would be tested at birth to see if he had the potential to be a Jedi. Seeing that he was the council would dispatch a Jedi Knight, if one wasn't already there, to bring Tobi to the council. This would happen anytime before he was six. And if his mother refused the Jedi would respect her wishes and leave them alone.

There are also no unknowns allowed in the profile, while your character may not know something it should be put into the bio. Such as Tobi's father, of course if you worked out something with a Mod prior than just ignore me.

How was his time at the temple, did he have any friends? How did he do with his lessons? These are questions that can be answered to help you further develop your character.

Overall I just think you need to add a few more details for Tobi, it really seems like you are on the right track.

Hope this helps make your job easier. ^_^

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

Hello I'm Zett don't know if We've met, but let me start by first saying Tao gave good advice here, also i think i should emphasize the fact that even for a young one the bio should be a bit more detailed and a bit longer.

For now that's all i have to say, and also I'm not a mod or Next Gen Team member so pretty much all i say can be tossed out the window if you so please.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

OK, you have review.

So, to begin with, I'd like it if you didn't deviate from the app we gave you. That means no additions.

Appearance. So, I don't think you really want to describe your youngling as a skinhead. That causes strange mental pictures. Apart from that, this is very small. Try having two good sized paragraphs, one on what he looks like and one on what he wears.

Personality. We need to build off of this. You have a good start, but we have to build on that. More detail is needed, from his thoughts to the way he behaves. If you need some inspiration, read the bio over again and see what it says about who your character is.

Lightsaber. He's a youngling, which means he'll have a training saber. They are all straight hilt and blue and green.

Stats. So you need to drop eight points from his force stats, especially from that four. He's also a child, not even a teenager yet. He should have a four in intelligence at the most. Leadership is also very high for his age. You should probably drop a point there.
And lastly he wouldn't be trained in melee or ranged as a Youngling, those should be zeroes.

Bio.

A couple things right off the bat. The Trade Federation doesn't exist yet, and it would be very hard for his family to wander for centuries when Miraluka live for 84 years or so.

There are also to be no uncertainties in the bio. You have to pick a reason his father disappeared, or else just say he disappeared and leave it at that.

So, Naboo is a Republic world, and as such any birth on the planet results in a blood test that detects force sensitivity. The Jedi are notified and they ask the parents to give up their children. So he'd have to be known about then.

The age cutoff for joining the Jedi is six, and I have yet to hear of any five year olds studying robotics and business. So you'll have to straighten out this timeline.

We're also left with five years in the Jedi that need to be talked about. Friends? Mentors? Ambitions? Skills? We need to cover all these things.

Let me know when you've modified this.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Moved to incomplete.