“I feel sorry for those who say they regret being born... They were taught that life is always beautiful.”
~Roual~
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Abayomii and Tawaih, a mated pair, were strange Nihrani. While many Nihrani tend to be xenophobic and ignore foreign alien species (besides to trade with), Abayomii and Tawaih were a curious pair. They listened to space travelers while they roamed Lawaailig, intrigued by the stories about how different planets looked, the hubbub centers of the galaxy, and that Lawaailig only held an extremely small percent of the species.
They were mostly interested in Onderon, the planet known for its white city, Iziz, and the ferocity of the Beast Riders, who tamed the wild jungles for their living area. The beast riders, the two thought, sounded like another version of the Nihrani. With was the end destination, they decided, after they had gotten a chance to see just how large the galaxy was.
That they did in the form of travel. It took forever to get from one planet to the other, and the busy, city centers damn near drove the two Nihrani crazy with confusion and light displays. Instead of exploring the galaxy, like they thought they might, the Nihran pair decided it was better just to make it to Onderon and seek out these Beast Riders.
Iziz was so white that they feared the light would burn out their eyes. The jungles, however, were much more comforting. Spears in hand and a bundle of personal items apiece, the pair set forth into the rumored “horrible” jungles of Onderon, hoping beyond hope that they would reach a Beast Rider or two.
It would be more proper to say the Beast Riders found them. A patrol rumbled into the middle of Abayomii and Tawaih’s two person camp to inquire their intrusion upon their lands. These were the people they were looking for, the Nihran mates knew, and they were excited as they explained their reasons. The Beast Riders (mostly human and xenophobic) were incredibly skeptical of the two, especially when they said they could hunt. Frowning faces among the Riders were shared, but the patrol leader looked to be a little more curious of the pair. Hardly anyone who ventured into the jungle claimed to know how to hunt. All right, the leader said, show them.
Communicating with the Riders, the Nihran got an idea of which game they were expected to bring down. The Riders quickly saw how well the Nihran understand the mind of the animal and effectively designed a plan together to bring in the most food. Tawaih killed one with a spear and then chased the herd of deer-like creatures toward the Riders. The Riders were unprepared for such an action and the rest of the herd stampeded off. It was an effective strategy (much better than just shooting them with crossbows) and it earned the patrol leader’s respect and a trip to see the Beast Lord.
At first, the Nihran pair were ostracized and were only supposed to stay to teach the Riders a couple of different hunting techniques. But a joke went through the camp that the pair didn’t know how to not work. They taught hunting, yes, but they also skinned and cleaned meat, tended to the beasts, and helped mend homes. If Abayomii and Tawaih were awake, they were doing something productive. It left an impression on the Riders, and the date on which the Nihran were supposed to leave was forgotten as they were, over the course of several months, slowly integrated into Beast Rider life.
Onderon became Abayomii and Tawaih’s home and the Beast Riders became their new tribe. As life continued on, Tawaih became pregnant with the Nihran couple’s first child. The months passed, and Kaiweria Njeri Azaalee became the newest member of the Beast Riders.
She was much loved by her parents as an infant, receiving coddles and kisses and all the toys her father could make. Other members of the Riders loved how she seemed to gurgle and coo happily on a daily basis. The Jedi Watchman, Gheron (who came to discuss and investigate the political atmosphere of the Beast Riders in relationship to the city dwellers of Onderon) would sometimes hold Kaiweria, also known as Kai, as he talked to individual members of the Riders. The Watchman knew Kai was a Force Sensitive but never told her parents, knowing by observing that the Nihran parents would never agree to part with her.
Kai grew for a year under the loving attention of Abayomii and Tawaih. As a young child, her skin pigmentation took a bright yellow color with smears of orange, reflecting her blissful happiness. She was bouncy and loved to laugh until she fell down on her bottom and succumbed to a round of hiccups.
It was during this young year that the sickly carnivores attacked the Riders’ campsite. They had to be mad; the beasts didn’t attack full campsites, not even in packs. Yet a pack of the wild creatures ravaged through the camp, killing Riders and fighting to their deaths. A peaceful night life turned into a war between beast and man, with both sides taking casualties. Though the Riders swear that if Gheron, who had returned that year for his annual visit, had not been in there, they would have lost a lot more people.
Tawaih was a casualty of the attack while Abayomii suffered grievous wounds on his thigh and across his chest. It was Gheron who found Kai inside her parents’ tent, and Tawaih’s body a hundred meters off, torn and feasted on by the animals. Tawaih had run off to keep the carnivores distracted from the tent where Kai had been sleeping.
Abayomii took the news badly, screaming with heartbroken anguish and sobbing against the Watchman’s shoulder. Gheron watch Kai and some of the other children as their parents recovered from the attack. Medical practitioners from Onderon cities came to tend to the Riders. One doctor was thoroughly perplexed as he observed Abayomii’s skin color darkened from oranges and reds to black over the course of three days.
On the third day, Gheron brought still brightly colored Kai to see Abayomii, but her refused to hold his daughter. He turned on his cot, drawing the blanket over his head in shame, curled into a ball, and cried loudly. Gheron was bewildered and persisted that Abayomii hold his daughter, but the man screamed to keep Kai away from him. “Take her away! Take her away! Someone take her far away! Don’t let her ever know I was Moorte!”
Abayomii had to explain his skin, embarrassed and broken, to Gheron and why he didn’t want Kai to see him. Gheron chose the moment to explain Kai’s Force sensitivity, and Abayomii told him to just take his daughter: he could not raise her Moorte. It was better if she left.
“He promised protection, guidance, friendship, enlightenment...”
~Azaalee~
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Gheron took Kai from the jungles of Onderon and handed her off to his friend and fellow Jedi, an Arkanian named Roual Altan. Roual took Kai with the promise to see her safely to the Temple. While carrying Kai to his ship, however, he promised, to himself more than the child, he’d look after her and she
would one day be his Padawan.
The Arkanian Sentinel was familiar with the Nihran, their history, their culture, and had a massive fascination with their skin. He had always admired the species from a distance, and was positively in love with Kai’s bright yellow skin. He had an innate curiosity about how that skin would change throughout her life, knowing that the Nihran skin developed based on personality, understanding, and major events in their lives. No skin was alike in the Nihran culture. Beneath his Jedi robes, Roual was a science man, like most Arkanians, and had a habit of pursuing scientific knowledge in his spare time. He was excited to be carrying Kai, and desired nothing more than to be around her more in order to study her skin.
Once at the Temple, Kai was raised in the Jedi nursery until she was of age to begin learning. Even then, there was a lot of play and not much learning. Most learning was listening for the “no” when she couldn’t do something, or “that’s very good Kai!” when she did something the caretakers liked.
During this stage of childhood, Kai’s skin took a different, overall pigment. Her yellows and oranges darkened to dark blues and purples. While this did not mean she was unhappy, Kai simply became incredibly passive. If someone wanted her toy, she handed it over. Someone wanted her specific training saber, she let them have it. Someone wanted her chair, she would sit somewhere else. She didn’t want to cause trouble. Because if she tried to keep said things, the other children would throw a fit. And Kai didn’t like it when people threw fits. She felt bad.
In her eighth year, her passiveness became a mode for the other children to abuse her. For some reason, they felt the need to pick on her. How her skin would change different shades every so often. Her skin was weird. Her eyes were so dark and black. Her eyes were weird. She never raised a fuss, so you could sneak away her cookies and milk for an extra snack. Take her chair. Knock her training saber from her hand. Kai never did
anything, so you can get away with it.
At first, Kai shrugged off the sudden barrage of aggressiveness. Then it started to hurt. Instead of sitting beside people, Kai would slink off to the furthest corner of the room. And in this corner, she guarded her snacks and playthings. In this corner, she usually couldn’t hear the comments about her skin. In this corner, nobody tried taking her chair. In this corner, no one bothered her. Her skin was a very dark blue at this time in her life.
It began to impact her training. She refused to practice lightsaber drills with another person. What if that made the bullying worse? Maybe if she just didn’t raise a hand to them and avoided them, they would leave her alone. They’d stop saying mean things about her and they’d stop being mean to her. She refused to practice Force-passing objects to other children too. What if she made a mistake and it hit them instead?
The teachers quickly established what was wrong when her marks went down during practice. One nice teacher managed to coax an affirmation from Kai while helping her with her mathematics. Then held the girl while she cried. The teacher established a signal system. They would help Kai overcome her fear of her bullies and they’d make the bullies see what they were doing wrong. Kai would signal when someone merely approached her when the system was first established. Then there was a correction made to the system; she was only allowed to signal if someone was actually bullying her.
Gradually, the bullying wore off. Though Kai, scared of being hurt again, avoided the other children. She developed a preference to working alone. All the projects she ever did were by herself. And she just decided that she hated lightsaber practice anyway and avoided doing it as much as possible.
During one of their class trips to the library, when Kai was nine, she stumbled across something intriguing: Music. Kai had heard music before, of course, but she never heard something she liked. The library was full of music and their brief histories and compositions. While Kai was too young to really be interested in the composition of music, she liked the way it sounded and how some people sang. A teacher explained how music made people feel, in a simplified form for the young girl to understand. And Kai could understand how the music made her feel. From there on out, Kai spent a lot time around music during library visits – as much as she could get, anyway. Some teachers would let her be around it more than others.
Even though the consistent bullying had been taken care of, Kai was still shy about practicing with other Younglings. She didn’t want to give others an excuse to begin bullying her again. So she still refused to do any offensive drills with other Younglings, in both lightsaber and Force practices. When she turned ten, however, she was asked to spar for a grade. They paired her, unknowingly, with one of her most consistent bullies, Yran, who still occasionally picked on her to that day. Surprisingly, the young girl nodded and whispered she would spar. As the instructor squared them off and told them the rules, Kai found that she was frustrated and angry at Yran. Why did he have to pick on her? Why did he have to taunt her? Why did he have such a peculiar smirk on his face? He wasn’t even
cute.
Just before the match began, the Younglings had a guest visitor: Master Roual Altan. The Arkanian said he had heard that the younglings were having some of their sparring matches, and that he wanted to see how the next generation was progressing. Given a seat, Master Altan keyed into the match set up between Kai and Yran.
Everyone knew Kai never took the offensive, so, when the cue was given, Yran surged in attack. While Kai may not be good offensively, she definitely knew her defensive movements. And as Yran attacked, Kai could only here the lyrics from one song:
Tell me what you got, what you really got. Unbeknownst to Kai, she had barely whispered the words as she blocked, and blocked again. And she said them louder, angrier, and suddenly attacked Yran, startling the boy, before he retaliated in anger too. The sparring match disintegrated into wild throws of lightsaber attacks and angry shouts, Kai her song words and Yran insults.
The instructor and Master Altan pulled the pair apart, Yran still spitting angry mad, calling her “Horror Eyes” and “Stupid Skinny”. Kai fumed silently, held back by Master Altan’s hands. The instructor began to immediately chastise them for inappropriate behavior and how anger is not acceptable. Even after the brief lecture, Kai was still glaring at Yran. Yran who looked perfectly innocent now. He had so much practice being innocent. Master Altan requested that he take one of the Younglings for further explanation of why anger is not a Jedi behavior. With granted permission, Master Altan took Kai from the training room.
He led her to another one. It was much bigger, and it had different kinds of weapons to the side, but other than that, it was no different from the Younging training room. Master Altan selected a lightsaber from the side, fiddled with it a moment, and directed Kai to the center of the big room.
As he joined her, he asked her to drill with him. Drilling wasn’t so bad, especially with an instructor. He guided her through several Shii-Cho drills, pointing out her missteps and poor positioning. It was going well until he flipped a move, that was not part of the drill, and stung the back of her hand. Kai cried and stubbornly glared back at the tall Arkanian. When he did it again, she got frustrated. Once more, and she wildly slashed back at him and said he wasn’t being fair.
Then he asked her to sing that unfairness. Sealing her lips, she shook her head, and the drills proceeded, though Master Altan struck her more and more, using his skills unfairly against her. Finally, she screamed at him to stop it, chucked her lightsaber, and tried to leave the training chamber, tears forming in her eyes. But he stopped her, fingertips on her shoulders, and asked her to sing once again. Sing what she felt, like when she was facing that other youngling. She shrugged him off and asked to be taken back to joint chambers she shared with other younglings.
While Master Altan let her free that time, it wasn’t the last time she had a private session with him. He convinced her teachers to allow him time with her more, saying he would teach her to calm her emotions while getting her more interested in lightsaber combat. It took several sessions before he convinced her to sing just a couple of notes, even if they were soft. She sang frustration, since he continued his unfair attacks. The more sessions they did, she sang her anger. He encouraged that anger, that frustration, that sadness she would sometimes feel, her worthlessness… and then he told her to imagine those emotions leaving her with each word or note she sang.
She met with him weekly, for months, and then for a couple of years. He encouraged her singing. He helped her find new songs to express her emotions. She sang on a regular basis, though mostly when she was sparring. Her self-confidence grew, but she had to be taught not to care about the strange looks she received while singing. Even at twelve, however, sometimes criticizing expressions would silence her. Her willingness to spar with other younglings grew. And she looked forward to her training sessions with Master Altan, who had been decided a positive influence on the young Nihran girl.
At twelve, Master Altan also asked Kai to be his Padawan. It wasn’t a demand that she be; he wanted her to be his padawan willingly. She didn’t have to think much; no other Knight had taken an interest in her and she liked Master Altan. She agreed, and it was just as Master Altan had hoped. He respected her so much, adored her species so much, that he only felt it right that she be his Padawan.
In the beginning, the schedule didn’t change much. They met more often, but Kai had her designated “her lonesome” days. They’re training sessions began to include more Force based exercises, including meditations and a brief understandings of the . Shii-Cho began to transition into the basics of Niman, Altan’s mastered lightsaber form. Again, he encouraged to sing, to practice her singing, and learn to divide her emotions from her person through singing. On those lonesome days, she was to learn about music and the Force: history, effects, purposes, and applications.
He gave her information on how and where to find singing coaching. Most of these were on portable devices, or chips that she could plug into a terminal. If she was going to sing, she might as well sing properly.
All the while, Kai was still reserved, quiet, and preferred it that way. She interacted with other if she had to, even though Altan (or Roual as he liked being called) tried to get her to be more personable. His biggest concern was she wouldn’t remain positive or spirited enough, but Kai was happiest when she was by herself.
At thirteen, singing and music began to define Kai’s thinking and habits. It was in how she spoke to people or responded to questions or situations. This openness toward music and singing created a sense of alienation for Kai, which was comfortable for the young teenager. It was a reason to avoid people and avoid a reenactment of her young childhood. Her time was spent with Roual, other Jedi he directed her to study with, and a prerecorded, holographic music teacher (courtesy of Roual).
Her first “mission” was to act as an escort for Onderonian royalty, just out of precaution and courtesy. It was a boring outing with the Onderonian king and Princess Sali. More time was spent exercising her ability to telekinetically push, pull, and lift objects.
Most of the assignments for the following two years lacked adventure and excitement. Besides some on the spot instruction of certain ships or how to read a map, Kai sometimes sang for diplomats she escorted. These small “shows” were usually prompted by Roual to encourage her people skills.
While Kai didn’t really interact with most adults, she did interact heavily with the children. She developed a special liking toward small kids. Though, at first, when they pointed out her skin, Kai thought they may be making fun of her. Finally, one child told her they made her pretty, and she started to open up to the children more. She let them touch her skin, poke at all the dots and trace the streaks. They also liked touching her sleek hair and feeling her Padawan braid. While she opened up to young children more, she still kept a hard, anti-social exterior toward those her own age and above.
In her three years of escorting diplomats, she was involved in one crash that earned her some scraps and several bruises. She and Roual ended up walking the diplomat across the prairies of his homeland to make sure he made it home. Unfortunately, Kai found out the hard way that she was allergic to the prairie grass. It was the first time she’d been to a medical clinic outside of the Jedi Order.
When they weren’t running diplomats from one area of the galaxy or the other, Roual was taking her to different planets to interact with many cultures. While reserved around people, Kai was open to their culture, and slowly began to note planets and cultures she liked and disliked. She played dolls with twi’lek girls, mocked fights with zabrak boys on a colony planet, and learned what it meant to be blind for a day with a miralukan family, whose giggly boy and girl held her hand whenever she needed to walk. It was obvious that Kai preferred the children over interacting with the parents, which Roual didn’t fret over. He kept the parents and other adults company.
It was after an experience with Roual’s mandalorian friends that Kai began to persist in getting a real lightsaber. She’d emerged victorious in a duel with a young mandalorian woman during their stay in a mandalorian village, demonstrating her lightsaber prowess with a mix of Shii-Cho and Niman. Kai thought she should be allowed to have her own lightsaber. Roual, however, denied her and told her she was going to start learning Makashi back at Temple.
This caused the first major rift in their Master/Padawan relationship. Kai was fifteen at the time, and watching some of her Padawan peers trucking off to construct their first lightsabers. She followed Roual’s instructions with bitterness, until he came in during her periods of downtime to explain. He was worried about her first lightsaber because she occasionally burned herself with the training one. He talked the focus and control that the weapon demanded, and that, by learning Makashi, she would learn the necessary focus to manipulate such a weapon. Kai, though annoyed, accepted the explanation and continued her studies with a bit of a lighter heart.
One of her sparring partners was named Ryn Tempestas. Ryn, at first, enforced her bitterness toward not having a real lightsaber; Ryn already had his lightsaber. Ryn was, however, a guardian in the making and very involved in lightsaber combat. When Roual introduced them, Kai thought he was kidding. Ryn was big, taller than her, and much stronger. Makashi? Yeah right. But she went through the drills with Ryn, under Roual’s instruction and Lissia’s (Ryn’s master) guidance.
To her surprise, Ryn was already practiced in the form, to some extent. In fact, he seemed almost bored during the days they just ran through drills. Kai underestimated the large cat’s ability, attributing his larger frame to not allow him the grace Makashi demanded. She deeply regretted this underestimation during the first sparring match, Makashi only. Kai ended up being stung the most and lyrics from songs burst forth from her mouth often and forcefully, similar to the way someone curses. Between matches, lyrics poured from her lips in a snarl, expressing all of her frustration and anger, before she grew calm for the next bout.
Ryn was a relentless partner, focused on learning this style, and often Kai thought he was pulling some stunt, unfair move (much like Roual had when she was ten). She was frustrated often, but, like with Roual, she was determined not to sink into defeat. Just like Roual’s unfair drilling spurred her into dedication to learn from him, Ryn’s obvious skill with a lightsaber drove Kai further into Makashi, to learn its aspect and technique. At the same time, however, Kai still longed to make her own lightsaber. Perhaps, she thought at this time, if she could show she was good enough at Makashi, Roual would take her to create her lightsaber. And because Ryn was the most advanced Makashi padawan in their practice group, Kai often volunteered to practice with Ryn. It was easy to do, really, since the other two or three usually there wanted to avoid Ryn.
[/i]. Again.’
‘See? You just sang. Why do you do that?’
‘What does it matter to you?’ I deflected, hostility in my voice.
‘Because you do it so much. It’s almost all you say besides “again”.’
I slipped and his lightsaber slashed dangerously close to my skin again. I leapt back, accidentally sliding back into the Niman stance, and get called out on it by the presiding master. I mumbled and shifted my stance before continuing the drill.
‘So,’ he said, ‘why do you sing?’
‘It’s none of you business.’
‘I just want to know!’
‘I like to.’
‘Seems more than that.’
‘Helps me focus.’ His lightsaber stung me again, slipping through the drill. ‘Ow! Now you’re distracting me on purpose!’
‘Some focus.’ He was laughing at me.
‘That’s because I’m
talking, you big cat! Not singing!’
‘Then sing! Maybe you’ll actually get this right!’
I heard Master’s voice from across the training room. ‘He’s right, Kai.’
I turned on him then. ‘You had something to do with this slipping through the drill. He’s doing what you did five years ago!’
‘SING, Kai,’ was all Master had to say to me. Except I didn’t want to sing. Not in front of such a large group. There were seven other people in this room with me. Too large. I didn’t want them to hear me sing. I didn’t want them to give me weird looks. Too late, I saw. The other two padawans were already looking at me weird. I averted my gaze, looking at the ground, frustration burning in the back of my throat. I was going to cry. I didn’t want this sort of attention on me, and crying was only going to bring greater attention and something worse I didn’t want; pity. I opened my mouth, but couldn’t make any sort of sound. Not with all these eyes on me. I heard Master say to the other padawans to continue their drill.
‘By the way,’ I heard Ryn saying, maybe to me. ‘I’m not cheating. You’re just that terrible at this drill.’
I felt my face flush. ‘
I don’t mind putting up with you.’ My lightsaber swung in the Makashi salute. ‘
And all the things you say. I’m not about to stop.’
‘Louder, Kai,’ I heard Master say as I engaged the drill. ‘I know you’re singing.’
I didn’t want to sing louder, though. There were too many people. I resorted to humming until Roual interrupted once again. He spoke low to me, so no one would hear his instruction, and so that instruction would not embarrass me either. ‘Sing, Kai. This shy thing needs to stop. Just sing. Like you do when you’re practicing with me. Ryn’s the same height as I am. Shouldn’t be that hard.’ He spoke louder and stepped back. ‘Ryn, Kai, why don’t you have a sparring match. Right now, chop chop, then we can all go get food.’ Except Master leaned in and said something to Ryn before he backed away.
That sparring session was brutal. I kept switching back to Niman, just those moves were instinctual to me. Each time, it was called and the sparring match reset. The burns. The near misses. That fight frustrated me just as all the other ones did. Ryn was picking up on this Makashi thing so much quicker than me. Well, he had already been studying it before me. Focus. That was what Master wanted me to learn by this; further focus. Elegance. Finesse. Except I felt like a clunking droid in this fighting style. And like every sparring match, I would sing without knowing it. Sing my frustration. I heard ‘sing louder’, from Master, and so I did, without thought, caught up in the moment. Over and over and over again... Frustration. Frustration at what? My inability. This huge cat besting me. How do I fix it? By Makashi, perform Makashi. And the thoughts circulated as I sang, different lyrics each time…until my blade slid up the inside of Ryn’s arm.
Roual, Lissia, and the other masters decided to call it a day after that. I was elated. I’d scored a hit on Ryn.
‘I like your singing,’ he said to me as we were walking out of the training room.
‘Huh?’ I was confused.
‘That’s what I said earlier. I like your singing.’
For some reason, I decided I liked Ryn then.”[/color][/ul]
Roual began to also suggest, other than regular training exercises with Ryn, that Kai learn Praataal. There weren’t many Nihran Jedi, and if one were ever needed to be called on behalf of the Nihran people, she may have to be that someone. Reasoning made sense, Kai supposed. What didn’t make sense was Roual wanted to learn it with her, but she didn’t object to his help with the language.
By the time she was sixteen, Kai was grooming into a fine Sentinel. Her studies continued with Niman and Force Body, often practiced with Roual. When not with Roual, she was with Ryn for Makashi and talking to other practitioners of Crucitorn. Roual had brought up the power because of her affinity for bodily manipulations, but perhaps she could start learning that later. However, because of the nature of the power, Kai found she didn’t want to learn it without understanding it first.
At sixteen, she accompanied Roual on her first potentially hazardous mission. Roual, before taking Kai on as a Padawan, had been an active investigator. They were tag-teaming with Jihran Rel, a Kiffar Investigator and one of Roual’s friends (he had so many), who had been chasing an elusive couple of gamblers with bigger ties into a more dangerous syndicate foundation on Umgal. It was supposed to be simple: get in, grab ‘em, get out.
Simple, however, meant walking into a high-stakes gambling club with a couple of police and announcing the names of who they were after. Simple turned into a game of chase. When, at first, Kai followed her master, trying to keep up with his Force imbued speed, he ended up directing her to continue following the pair while he peeled off.
She found keeping track of the criminals difficult on her own, and was often corrected by sensing which direction her master was headed in. They ran through observation zones of dueling arenas, up card tournaments, and pissed off intoxicated on the dance floor. Soon, Jihran, who seemed to be everywhere at once, captured one as the other fluttered away, startled like prey bird. Kai managed to tackle the second one and wrestle her into a position of surrender. Roual was extremely proud, and Jihran even asked her if she was going to join the investigators after she was a Knight. Kai had never considered such a thing.
A couple of months later, they were back with Jihran, with the addition of Jedi Shadow Ramesis Thorn, a queer Zeltron man. He struck Kai as odd, and it wasn’t because of his pinkish skin. He would simply get up and leave without anyone really realizing, and he rarely spoke, and he made conversations awkward.
They were going to Duro, where far too many witnesses had stated seeing red swords coupled with a massive accident in the shipyard resulting in over a hundred deaths. Jihran, Roual, and Kai were to investigate the incident, and Ramesis would look into dark side influence.
The damage in the shipyard was devastating. Broken equipment, in-progress ships ruined , and a ship crashed into another ship. There was something wrong about it, and Ramesis uttered confirmation of her feelings. It was creepiness slithering along her skin. Ramesis began to point out lightsaber markings to her – against the wall, buried into a blood-spattered terminal, cleanly sliced tools… Ramesis wanted to see the bodies.
[/i]’
Nothing anyone could have ever told me could have prepared me for bodies. Could not have described them to me. The way the mouths lay partially open or the complete, utter lack of life within eyes. I realized at that moment just how different it is to look at a living person and look at a dead person. It was... absolutely appalling to me. I couldn’t help but reel back, with disgust and a special kind of fear. It’s hard to describe the fear I felt. Just... feared the void of life. There was such an absence in those bodies.
When one is birthed into the world, he comes with both a spirit and a body. One is not born a spirit without a body. One who is born a body without a spirit is already dead, a still born. A person is brought with both a spirit and a body. When that person dies, his body remains and his spirit is gone, and that is what made this moment so frightening. I saw men and women without their spirits. Their souls were missing. Nothing of who they were remained. It is not the body who makes up the person, it is their spirit. Those bodies were only shells. Husks. Skins. Vases. Empty. Vacant. Devoid. It made me feel bare, naked if you will, and I felt horribly at a loss of what to do, what to think, about these people I did not know.
Their lack of presence upset me, made me sick, and made me afraid. I remember I had to stand far away, with my back turned to the bodies, and listen as Ramesis began to list off where he saw lightsaber wounds, most of them fatal. That upset me further. In my head, dark siders were already great big bullies. Being there with those bodies, that notion became more real and the motivations of a dark sider... were implausible to me. What did one gain from killing these people? What did they gain by frightening others? What did they gain by creating destruction?
When Master came up behind me and asked me if I was okay, I told him I didn’t know. That I didn’t think so. That I didn’t get it. That it made no sense to me how there could be people who would do this to other people. I didn’t understand how they could find it right to kill others. It was all convoluted, all confusing, and altogether not understandable. Before I knew it, I was shaking and crying. I didn’t know how to make sense of it. I didn’t know how to deal with the emptiness of the bodies. ‘I should
feel something,’ I blathered to him. ‘I should
feel something in those bodies. But I don’t. I don’t feel anything. And that frightens me.’
Master Roual’s hand came around my head then, petting my hair gently, and I willingly placed my forehead into his shoulder. There I cried quietly while he comfortingly rubbed my back. ‘Death is fearful,’ he told me, ‘And those who bring it are frightening. While we, as Jedi, have no control over life and death, we do have control over those who believe they do. You have experienced what I wanted you to see, because sooner or later, as a Jedi, you will see death. As for the destruction, Kai... I do not understand their darkness myself. I do not understand why they think it is okay, either. So... it is okay. You do not have to. You simply have to recognize its existence. You have to respect its existence, because in darkness’s wake, there are bodies. Shall we go now? We do not have to stay if you don’t want to.’
But I wanted to. I didn’t want to see the bodies anymore. I never wanted to see another dead person again. I did want, however, to help Jihran and/or Ramesis find the people who did this. As far as Ramesis could tell, the dark side threat was not immediate. That did not mean, he told Master Roual and me, that it was safe for a Padawan. Though Master argued on my behalf, saying my skills were very good for my age, Jihran stepped in and also said that we should leave since the dark side threat was confirmed.
That was the last time I saw Jihran. Three Dark Jedi ambushed both Jihran and Ramesis during their investigation. Jihran paid her life for the life of one Dark Jedi. Ramesis defeated the other two on his own. So, it was not the last time I saw Ramesis.”[/color][/ul]
The following “missions” (more like outings) served to somber Kai further. On Farrfin, dressed as smugglers, Roual pointed out the necessary evil of such criminals – without them, some business wouldn’t thrive. On poverty-stricken Metellos, Roual and Kai helped provide a little relief to some people in the form of food and medicine. Balosar was much the same with Metellos, but the depravity made her angry because she couldn’t do much to help the poor people without another ravaging the person she helped for goods. Why couldn’t they work together? And Roual had to explain survival of the fittest – scramble for what you could, hoard what you could, it was the only way to live.
Children ran away from her in these situations, and that hurt Kai the most, who had grown to love all the children. It frustrated her to see them mistreated and malnourished, fearful of anyone who wasn’t their mother.
Kai developed gentle thoughts for these people, the dead from Duro and the unfortunate everywhere. If she could bring back the dead, she would. If she could help those people, she would. And when it came to children, she concluded she would help where she could. A couple of days later, tear-shaped, light blue markings appeared under her eyes and dotted to the corners of her mouth – compassion.
Three-quarters through her sixteenth year, Roual declared she could construct her lightsaber. As per tradition, she and Roual journeyed to Ilum. She was in the cave for several weeks, though most of that time was figuring out how to meditate on her selected blue crystal, and then actually meditating on it. And when she re-emerged, Roual said the lightsaber was a solid build.
For the following months after, Roual and Kai spent a significant amount of time training and studying. It’s not a time period she recalls fondly. Many angry lyrics were sung at Roual, because he shoved her through endless, constant drilling in Shii-Cho, makashi and Niman. Her limits and emotions were stressed with Force Body studying and practice. She couldn’t connect to the Knight teaching Crucitorn – the very basics were slipping through her fingers. Praataal, her native language, swirled in her head and she couldn’t keep up. Meditation exercises teemed with tension and agitation. Master and Padawan argued incessantly, to the point that Roual went back to Arkania for a visit.
If there was one thing Kai knew about Roual’s personal life, it would be his love and gift for science. He was attracted to it, and studied it in his spare time. He had notes and volumes of research material on his datapads. He kept contact with his own species, giving advice and possible enlightenments to advance genetics. When he rambled about it, he spoke of things that went way over her head. He’d been speaking about going back to Arkania to be with his own people. Good riddance.
He was gone three months of personal leave, far too long. Kai was questioned on his whereabouts
