Disiria Secura

[disiria]

Name: Disiria Secura
Race: Twi'lek
Age: 16
Height: 5ft 2in
Weight: 100 lbs

Appearance:
She has pale blue skin and jade colored eyes. Shes short in stature but in a good fit form. She looks as though she would be athletic and she is. She has black fingernails and general wears finger less gloves or something of that nature to cover her hands. She normally wears her cloak over her head and of course to hide her lightsaber from sight.
(The picture is for a general idea of the actual face)


(This picture is simply to show her clothing)


Personality: Disiria has always been a friendly out going Twi'lek. She talks a lot and always seems to be in a good mood although you can find her down in times but she always turns to the force at a point like that. She loves and believes in the force with all of her heart. She trusts it with every fiber of her being. Shes extremely dedicated and willing to do whatever it takes to be a better jedi. She would never be the type to disobey an order or do the wrong thing because it felt right. She does as she is told that way she cannot take a path that might bring her down the wrong road and turn her away from the force. She hopes to never be tempted by the dark side. Through out her training she has shown a great deal of dedication and determination and she proves to be a great padawan.

Birth place: Ryloth

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Padawan

Lightsaber: Single Blade (Single Phase)

Color: Blue

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 2
Makashi
Soresu
Ataru
Shien / Djem So
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 4
Telepathic: 3
Body: 3
Sense: 4
Protection: 4
Healing: 3
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 6
Leadership: 1

Unarmed: 5
Melee Weapons: 4
Ranged Weapons: 1

Bio:

Her mother and her father were both traders but of what she would never know. She was taken at a very young age when she was discovered by a Jedi on Ryloth. It was difficult for her parents to give her away but it was a chance for her to have a better life than she would have had with them. She was taken and put into her youngling training and right from the start she seemed to have a good grasp on it and that would show even more as she progressed through her training. She was seen as a very fast learning and her instincts and reactions to things seemed even faster. Her strength would come into play much later and show that she seemed to balance out but excel. She was fast, swift and deadly but also strong and courageous. She had a good heart and a perfect one for a jedi. Through her training she showed her dedication to everything that the force meant. She easily understood everything she was taught and was most willing to undergo anything else that was put in front of her. Her eagerness was shown at the end of each session when she practically begged to know more in every field of the force. She wanted to know it all. She wanted to hear from the masters about the styles and ways off fighting, along with the force powers and different ways to train. She wanted to hear ways to meditate and become strongest with the force and around the corner she wanted to learn ways to move faster, to be more silent and how to strike at the perfect time. Something inside of her told her thought that she should never ask about certain things and even though she was curious she did her best and never asked about them. There were things she would learn later in life, yes, but she knew that then wasn't the time for them.

She was watched carefully as a youngling and once she came of age she had exceeded expectations and was quickly given a master to train her. She was overjoyed to become a padawan learner and receive a master. Her master was a Human from Coruscant named Bethla Thorn. She was a very good jedi and she would teach Disiria a lot in the time she was her master. Disiria had wanted such a long time to go on a mission but of course Bethla made her wait a bit. Even though she had exceeded expectation Bethla stilled wished her to be a bit more trained as a jedi even if the situation on the mission was perfectly calm. There was no sense in a lack of training and both the master and padawan agreed on this. After a good bit of training the two began to undertake missions together. Even though there seemed to be little to absolutely no violence on the missions it was still the time of her life. She got to go out and see places. she got to see the big, wonderful galaxy she had heard about. However wonderful it may have been she still remained more focused on her task than anything else.

The mission she would remember most in her life would be one that she took with Bethla to gain information. They landed on Naboo and all seemed peaceful until they began taking fire from a hidden enemy in the trees. Disiria and her master discovered the enemy and chased them back to a lair. It seemed as though they were mercenaries and after fighting through about a dozen or so of them Bethla took a blaster shot to the leg that limited her movement and she was surrounded by 3 lower level jedi. Disiria attempted to help her master but Bethla pleaded with her to run back to the ship and return home as she fought off the dark jedi. She hesitated a bit but she followed her orders in the end and left the lair and returned to her ship. Bethla was struck down just moments after Disiria ran from the room. She returned home with the news and did her best not to grieve over the loss of her master. Instead she work hard and becoming a better jedi. Though she was without a master she continued to study and do her best to learn. She wasn't sure of where her future would take her now that Bethla was dead and it was a bit of a frightening thing to think about but she knew that if she gave herself to the power of the force that all would be well.

RP Sample:
It did present a bit of an issue when she thought about it but she knew that with time it would heal and go away. All wounds come be mended in time. She just had to hold on and understand that everything would be ok. A lot of jedi lost their masters and they still made it. She stood from her bed and walked to the window. She stopped as she came to it and she raised her arm. Once she extended it she pressed her palm against the window and looked out at the city. it was so beautiful. She smiled a bit and then lowered raised her eyes and looked up into space. "Give me strength to not grieve your passing. I wish only to make you proud and to do so i must be a good jedi. I must follow the code, my order." She spoke softly as she looked off into space. She soon took a deep breath and lowered her hand. The cold from mixture from outside and inside the room left a print on the window that quickly faded away. Disiria shut her eyes slowly and she turned with her back to the window. "I don't want your struggles or your death to be in vein. I do not wish it so and more so i do not wish to have the sacrifices of all those before me wasted. So i shall hold my questions inside my body and be the Jedi i was meant to be. I will pull myself together and be the best Jedi i can be. I will be the Beacon of Light that you once called me, Master." She sighed softly as she leaned back against the window

[bgrd17]

I think this has great promise! I'm no mod, but I'll say what I can. 1-You can bump up your attributes. With a strength of 2, and an agility of 2, she would be nearly crippled. With an intelligence of 2, she would be...Almost "special". 5 is average adult strength, average adult speed, average adult intelligence and whatnot. 2-I'm not sure, but I think the mods won't like "Secura". Aayla Secura, Twi'lek Jedi Master during the Clone Wars...? Your character may be an ancestor of her, but I'm pretty sure that the mods don't like characters to have anything to do with anything or anyone that is *canon*. 3-As a Padawan, you need a master, as I'm sure you're already aware. Might I suggest...Myself? swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedpen&action=display&thread=16852

Anyway, I like how this is looking, but those are just some concerns I had. Good luck in getting your character approved! And don't worry, I'm pretty new to the site too, so if you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM, or anybody else! Everyone is very helpful. Ta!

[disiria]

Thank you for having a look and giving me some feedback here, I really appreciate it. I was hoping to get a master soon so of course.

As for the name there is no relation but i have no issue in changing it at all. Long as i can keep the first name.

And as for the stats i gave them a bit of a change but they were the way that they were because of the many different Star Wars related sites i've seen. Some of them consider padawan stats to be anywhere from 2 to 5 and others consider that youngling level. Some consider padawan skills to be like 4 to 7 and what not so i just wasn't sure. I didn't want to really go over the top there.

Thanks again for looking.

[bgrd17]

My pleasure

Ahhh, I see. I just assumed...Twi'lek, Jedi, SECURA. You don't necessarily have to change it, it's just an educated guess based on what I've seen and heard around the site. You could ask a moderator, to know for sure.

Excellent. They look more well balanced to me.

Once again, my pleasure.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Secura is fine, a clan name like any other,

I'll get you a full review when I can.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

All right, sorry you had to wait a little while for my attention, but here we go now.

Weight: For being athletic, she's awful light.

Appearance. So, a couple things here. I can get what you're going for with pictures here, but the big trick to remember is that are optional. Stuff like clothing gets described in text, and it's a little odd to have a human picture representing a Twi'lek. Now there are quite a few pictures of Twi'leks out there you can use, and plenty of people who do artwork. I'd prefer you do that, because it just looks better, and what looks better is generally better. It'll help your app.

Apart from this, my general 'minimum standard' is one paragraph on physical appearance, and one paragraph on clothing. It'd be very good if you did that right here.

Personality. What you've got here isn't bad, but what I'd like to see is more of it. Try for at least two good sized paragraphs. Ask yourself what her likes and dislikes are, her ambitions, her fears. What little quirks does she have? How does she feel about being a Jedi? A Twi'lek? Does she have any qualms about these things? Just let yourself get into writing out as much as you can, and you'll really surprise yourself with how much text you can get out there.

Stats. For force points, you'd expect to see 13 to 16 or so points, and you have 21, so just scale back a few of those fours and it'll shape up. Apart from that, strength is high for her light weight, and a 4 is more average for a woman. Certainly a young one would have nothing shameful about this. melee and unarmed are slightly high, if you'd drop them by a point each that'd be great.

Bio.

Even though you've got a short bio, it could really help you if you divide it into sections. Good divisions are birth/early life, Youngling, and Padawan. You don't have to do that if you don't want to, but you might like it.

Don't hesitate to use your character's name in your app. With nothing but pronouns, it can get a little awkward and confusing.

So, tell us about these parents. What kind of traders were they? What were the circumstances of your character's birth? As they say, God is in the details. Or the devil's in the details, but either way details are worth noting! One detail you should definitely note is when the Jedi who took her into the Order met her, and what age she was at that time. Now mind you, don't write it in realtime with dialogue, just try to have a detailed summary.

I don't think a youngling could be considered deadly...

Now, there's no shame in this because a great many new members do this, but you're missing the depth and breadth of the Youngling years. There's a huge amount they learn at that age, and not just the Force and lightsabers, but also regular academic subjects. In addition to all that, there is the one thing children see as the most important! Friends.

If you can come up with a few friends, and expand on their relationships, you can really make this great.

And now onto the Padawan years. How old was she when she became a Padawan?

So tell us about this training. Was it in depth? Did it focus on physical training, or the Force? Was it a blend? How often did they train, where did they train? Try to ask yourself such questions and answer them in your app.

Missions. Similar issue of expansion here. What kinds of mission did they go on? Peacekeeping? Diplomacy? Protection? Investigation? Research?

All right, a few more issues pop up. Mercenaries and Dark Jedi don't just spring up out of thin air. There have to be reasons and justifications for this. Why did they attack a Jedi? How did they know the Jedi would be there? Who were these people?

I don't necessarily object to 'dead master syndrome' as I've taken to calling it (because on SWU being a Jedi Master is apparently extraordinarily likely to result in death), because it can be very hard for someone to write something besides death. But, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well. So strive for excellence here, and don't forget to have some falling action.

Also, I understand you have a new master for your character now. That's kind of important, so you should write it in your bio.


And that's it. I'll leave you to fix this up, and when you're done you can let me know.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Moved to incomplete.