Lars Darsha III

[kage]

Name: Lars Darsha III/Kage
Race: Shistavanen
Age: 15
Height: 5ft8
Weight: 159Lbs

Appearance: Lars has blueish/silver fur and red eyes. His muzzle is a milky cream color and he had black markings all over his back arms and legs. His hair is long and he has a very muscular body. He wears a cloak most of the time and when he doesn’t he wears his tan and white long-coat with his black pants. He keeps his light saber sideways on the spine on his back. His eyes are deceptive but gentle. His has the appearance of his father but the facial appearance of his mother. His fur is a soft as silk and his tail is long and kind of bushy. Lars has a tendency of walking around with no shirt for whatever reason. His black markings are very similar to that of a dragon tattoo. He has long legs and average sized arms.

Personality: Quite because of the fact that no one seemed to like him when he was growing up he never spoke up much at all. He learned it was best not to for if he did he was either ignored, taunted, or treated unkindly. Why open your mouth if no one wants to hear anything you have to say? It's just better if you blend in with the shadows and let everyone think you aren't there. Because of this he is also shy when first meeting someone so it would be surprising if he actually walked up to someone openly and greeted them. Because he never really spoke up much as a child and still rarely does he spends most of his time just hanging back and watching. You'd be surprised with how much one can learn if they simply take the time to stop and just watch or listen. He is a really good listener and might make someone happy if he stands as a go-to person for them to vent and let their anger out. It's much easier to listen to other people's problems than to talk about his own. Lacking anyone he could really trust in his life Larshas grown up to have a great dislike of the world. It's not quite hate as much as fear of it. He tends to be a bit of a pessimist and laughs at darker things others would normally draw back from. Blame this on the fact that he doesn't really know much about relationships if you wish, though things such as friendship, family bonds, and even socializing are something he doesn't see in his future. Sure, he may want them but he doesn't see anyone falling for someone like him, so why get his hopes up? Without anyone to talk to or trust as a child he had to find ways to keep from going completely mad. So he started talking to himself, often having full conversations when the voice in his head talked back. He still keeps this habit up and it sometimes scares him to listen to any of the voices. Maybe it's a thing he inherited from dear old daddy but he sometimes has to fight the lust that threatens to consume him, pressuring him to take a bite out of a pretty lady he might be happening to watch. Because of this he'll try to distance himself from any and everyone if the urge becomes too powerful. He doesn't want to become like his father. Despite the sad things in his life and his aversion to others, he is very gentle. He doesn't like the thought of hurting anyone else and tries to avoid any sort of confrontation. Yes he is a pessimist but he is also a pacifist. The thought of purposely harming someone makes him cringe but that doesn't mean he won't stand up for himself if someone decides to attack. Lars, if you can get him talking and worm your way under his armor, is really very kind. He has a fragile soul and is easily swayed by any sort of plea. He is an absolute sucker for animals though he doesn't seem like the type. He enjoys watching them and often has to fight the desire to play with them. He would make a good Friend if anyone ever managed to gain his trust and convince him otherwise.
Birth place: Courscant

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Padawan

Lightsaber: Curved
Color: Silver

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
Shii-Cho


Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 1
Body: 3
Sense: 3
Protection: 4
Healing: 1
Destruction: 4

Specialized Skills:
Force Repulse

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 5
Leadership: 5

Unarmed: 5
Melee Weapons: 4
Ranged Weapons: 2

Bio: Born and raised in Coruscant Lars was never sure where he belonged. Being pretty much the only Shistavanen in Coruscant kind of made him feel rather alone. His father was a member of the Jedi order and wanted Lars to live with him there. Lars was okay with this when he was young but as he grew older he realized that he was more…alone as a race then he realized. His father spent most of his time working with the order and fighting while Lars stayed home with his mother most the time. Lars did however have access to the Jedi temple where he spent most of his free time. Meditating and practicing his father’s teachings constantly. Driving himself to become stronger. After Lars turned about five his abilities with the force had impressed most Jedi. But inside Lars didn’t want them to see him for his abilities, but for his heart. Lars didn’t know how to get close to his parents and often tried by building things or singing for them. But every time he tried it seemed as if they just gave a fake smile and said “good job bud.” But Lars knew they didn’t care about any of that. So it was then Lars decided to get his father’s attention by taking interest in being a Jedi. Lars indeed did get his father’s attention for he seemed to be more proud of him and coming home more to hang out with Lars. But never to have a real Father-Son relationship but to discuss the styles and the way of the force. Lars was okay with this so long as he got to spend quality time with his dad. But one day when Lars was trying to get the force hold right. He had finally gotten it. the first aspect of the force he had mastered. As he went to the temple to see his father and show him he saw that he was not there, that he had went back home a few hours ago with his mother. Lars was confused but not shocked. His father often went out after work on Jedi matters. So Lars decided to go back home and wait for him. but before he go home he saw his father. Dead with his mother on the ground in the back of the temple. Lars’s parents had been killed. His mother was shot and his father was missing his lower body. His light saber was crushed and nothing but the crystal remained intact. The young Shistavanen nearly fell over in fear a he took in the sight. His parents were dead…Lars was from then on out an orphan. His parents were gone and no one was there to comfort him. After a few hours a few Jedi masters were strolling by and found Lars sitting there crying over his parents mangled bodies. Lars was taken from the site by one of the Jedi. The others soon arrived and inspected the scene. Lars was offered to stay in the Jedi temple for as long as he need to. It was after this he was given his father’s light saber crystal from one of the Jedi. A gift to remember him by. Lars took this crystal and became a youngling of the Jedi order. He focused all of his time and energy into mastering what he could. Of course, there were some things what he was unable to do since the loss of his parents. He felt some of his mental strength was taken and he was unable to do much. As the years passed Lars was seen as a young man as he reached the age 13. Doing small errands for the order and nothing really important. Of course when Lars reached the age 15 he grew board of doing those jobs. Lars now wants to have a master to teach him.

RP Sample:

Like ripples in a pond, every cry of agony fluctuated deep within the underworld. It had risen to a state of madness, with effects so great that there was only one cause that could amount to enough chaos to stir the dead from their sleep. War. It was strange, as Lars had begun to mingle with those who were alive, he could feel the pull of their emotions so much more than the Time he’d spent alone, and tonight, a strange aura seemed to weigh on him, waking him from a dreaming state. It was her voice, that tiny woman he had spoken to at the springs, the one who’d laughed and made him smile, a first in so many years. She’d been strange, so delicate, an innocence about her that allowed her to linger in his memory, even after he had gone. But it was different now, as it echoed through the vastness that was Death, an agonizing cry that struck him like an arrow. Something was happening; something was very, very wrong. He slipped from the grasp of his world, and arrived at a scene far more horrific than he could have imagined. Shock registered upon his face, as the man’s golden eyes observed the bloodshed splayed out before him. The yells and the screams, they filled the air with their dismal chorus, as the people clashed with a savage intensity. They were black, poised against the white, clearly this age old blood feud still resumed, long past his own prime. And then it came again, that pleading cry. It shook him from his state of dread and awe, and suddenly he was searching for her. His body moved as it had in the throes of battle by his own family and their enemies. And though, now, in death, he knew the senselessness of war, his body hadn’t forgotten. At last, there she was, her slender frame blackened and bloodied as she screamed, begging the male that pinned himself against her to cease. Fury ignited in him, frustration welling as he knew his physical presence would do little good against the girl. A dark growl surged from the depths of his throat as he lunged forth, splaying his limbs half over the small she man, and as his silver blade connected with her burned skin, vines adorned with wicked thorns sprang up from the earth around them, reaching for males legs. As he hoped to deter him, a moonlit, silver glow began to glitter over him, a will he hadn’t used in a single instance since his death. “Enough of this madness” he said, dark, red eyes narrowed at the dark Jedi. Whatever war they waged, it was none of his business. But he wasn’t about to allow this woman to die for something she was surely not to blame for. Lars felt his hackles rise as he saw that one of the Jedi…was his father. Lars’s eyes widened as his past filled his memory and nearly broke him. bur before the young furry padawan even had a chance to react, he woke up. Disturbed by his own nightmare he shot out of his bed, sweating and panting. His fur wet from the suspense of his own nightmare. A nightmare within a dream. Funny how that worked. Lars slowly wriggled his way from under his covers and sat on the edge of his bed wiping his sweat from his fur. The young one stood up and slumped to his closet. Needed cloths for today, he opened the closet and looked through it. Why the hell do I have so many outfits? He thought to himself as he pulled out his normal attire. “what kind of nightmare was that? It was…different, than before.” He said to himself as he slipped on his garbs and grabbed his light saber from the top shelf. It was early out and he had to meet another padawan apparently. Lars wasn’t really thrilled but he did need something to get him out of the house. Staring at the light saber he had taken years to forge he smiled for the only memory of his father was inside of it. Huffing he put it on the spine of his back and opened the door to leave. As he shut the door he nearly slammed his tail in the doorway. Luckily he had pulled it out of the way before it had. Lars hated it when he hurt his tail, most sensitive part of his body. Waste no time Lars made his way to the Jedi temple. His hair in its long pony tail and his bangs in front of his way. Each step even as his tail swayed back and forth. Lars wondered who this other Padawan was, and why they needed to meet.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Two things straight away. Custom species must be approved for me to approve your character, and you seriously need to read the section notes.

[timtank]

Well a little tip, your character is 15 with stats that could completely crush a army of jedi masters... First off you need to ready the rules, and section notes. As well as look though approved characters around your age, because at 15 your force stats should lock at about one or two fives, and attributes at about the same point... Your bio is short and explains nothing... So basically you have lots of work to put into this... Try to ready the rules before jumping right into the character creation, research helps a lot.

Good Luck!

[kage]

Edited.

[timtank]

Okay, I don't feel up to going over the whole thing, because still to much to be corrected, so lets start with the easy stuff, stats and bio, the most major problems but easiest to correct. Your lightsaber stats does not detail how good he is at the form. since he is 15 and has no training in other forms I suggest you put a 3 in shii-Cho. That silver lightsaber should be in the bio. You need to detail how you obtained it. As a jedi and padawan you should have no destruction stat, so make it 0. No Specialized Skills... If you had it in the bio and put beginner next to it things would be fine, but as it stands drop it...

Bio: You need to re do this bio, completely. First off, Jedi wouldn't be allowed to stay in the temple if they get married, and they would be exiled if they had a child... So this character can't be born into the order the way you want hear. Their is no detail that justifies his stats or abilities, nothing to even justify his personality is in this bio.... Also break your bio, personalty, appearance and rp sample down into paragraphs, keeping them in a large bundle like that is just plain ugly... Oh and one more reason you need to do a COMPLETE overhaul of this.

"His father often went out after work on Jedi matters. So Lars decided to go back home and wait for him. but before he go home he saw his father. Dead with his mother on the ground in the back of the temple. Lars’s parents had been killed. His mother was shot and his father was missing his lower body. His light saber was crushed and nothing but the crystal remained intact" This was part of your bio... I just have to ask... Is the temple you speak of the Jedi temple? If so... WTF x10!!! How in the world would did somebody get into the temple full of jedi and kill two people in what would have ended up a rather loud conflict and got out without being noticed... Number one as jedi with a child they would have been exiled and nowhere near the temple. Number 2 sneaking into the temple and managing to drop two jedi without being noticed is completely impossible.

I will say it once more... LOOK AT APPROVED CHARACTERS, you need to see what makes a good bio and come up with something somebody could enjoy reading... And not just things that leave people scratching their heads and crying into their pillows at mid-night... So good luck correcting these issues...

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

All right, now is review time.

To quote our honored vet Talau, "I scare because I care." Be prepared to be terrified. TERRIFIED I SAY.

Name. Why is a Shistawhatsit named Lars? I expect to see a good reason for the use of a human name.

Appearance. I suggest two paragraphs here as a sort of minimum standard, one on what he looks like and one on what he wears. As a Padawan, he really shouldn't deviate from standard robes.

Personality. Paragraphs are your friend. Divide your description into clusters of related material, then form those into paragraphs. No one likes an ugly wall of text.

But on to content... Cut out 'you.' This is a description of his personality, and it shouldn't utilize the second person. Keep the focus on your character. Also, try to use complete sentences; you have a lot of fragments here. Remember we want your character's details, not philosophical musings. Try to keep it tight and clear of verbal clutter.

Lightsaber. Why is it curved when he has no points in Makashi?

Saber forms. A number goes next to the form. Between 1 and 5. At his age it would be 2 or 3, depending on how advanced he is with a blade.

He's too young for a 5 in force abilities, and for a specialized skill. You could note he is learning force repulse however.

For his age a 5 in intelligence and leadership is a bit much, I'd take them both back by a point.

Unarmed and melee are also a bit high, but if you justify them well in the bio you can keep them.

Onto the bio.

Coruscant has a trillion permanent residents, and many, many more people passing through on a temporary basis. Your character is far from the only Shistwhatsit on the planet.

What makes his father think an illicit child would be able to live with him among the Jedi? And building off that, what's the story behind the story? How does a Jedi father an illegitimate child with a secret family and avoid discovery while maintaining some sort of family life?

How does he have access to the Jedi Temple? It is a facility sealed to outsiders. Either you go in as a Youngling and stay there, or you don't get in.

To elaborate, all children born in the Republic are given a blood test to determine if they are force-sensitive. If they are, the Jedi Order is informed and extends an offer to the parents. The child can be taken anywhere between birth and six years, but no later. You cannot walk into the Jedi Temple, or merely express interest and be free to come and go as you please.

Now. Dead parents. Not necessarily bad if you do it right (I'm guilty of it myself), but there are to be no unknowns in the bio, and this has a certain odor. The back of the Temple? As in some corner of the Temple? The loading dock where Coruscant Department of Garbage and Recycling loads all the used training remotes and piles of empty beer cans? Or do you mean the general vicinity? People do not get murdered on the premises of the Jedi Temple. It is one of the top two most protected locations on the planet. And even apart from that you have to explain why they were killed and by whom. Your guy would not get the invitation to sleep at the Jedi Temple. It is not a youth hostel. He might receive a test and be offered to join the Order, but nothing else. The Jedi are also unlikely to grant him a lightsaber crystal, since they believe in avoiding attachments.

"As the years passed" is not a valid replacement for at least nine years of time, and very formative time. This is the period where he receives an education in the Force, normal school subjects, and where he makes friends and learns to socialize. In addition, at 13 if not selected by a master, a Youngling is sent to the Jedi Service Corps to do useful things for the Republic. You mention no master.

I suggest you go back and read our section notes, including the Crash Course thread very carefully, and look at accepted applications.

RP sample. I don't usually read these, suffice to say paragraphs are your friend.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Moved to incomplete.