All right, you've got a review.
First issue. I've seen that picture come up on SWU before. Not sure if I approved the character or not, so you might want to find a different image I don't recognize. Also, it's kinda un-conservative for a Jedi Master.
For height and weight, you only need to put the numbers, not the words.
Appearance.
Black lines? Like, tattoos? Birth marks? Scars? What are they? What does her facial expression rarely change from? Why has she not replaced her robes if they've become tattered and no longer seem to cover her thighs? And why does she wrap her legs and forearms?
Personality.
I consulted long and hard with Jenno over two things here, her belief in no good or evil and believing in Ashla and Bogan as gods. The former is, over my objections, acceptable, but the latter poses a challenge in values. A Jedi in our period would not worship gods. Especially if one of them is the dark side. It's the sort of thing where believing that you'd never make it to master.
Moving on to stats.
Her stats are insanely high. You are exceeding masters in their late forties. You have 17 points outside Shii Cho and should have perhaps 10. Force stats are similarly high. Your character has 35 points, I'm looking at a Master over a decade older with 32. Please drop the total to 28, with no 8s. You also have far too many specialized skills. I could possibly approve one of them, but it would have to be one matching a high category.
You also have to justify the 7 in speed, and I have seen nothing to indicate she is the fastest a conventional humanoid can be.
You really have to look at accepted profiles for an idea of what to do, because you really want the moon and the stars here.
All right, let's deal with the bio now.
Bio.
Section 1
OK, let's hope that holds. Only thing here is, what age was she when she was sent to the Jedi?
Section 2
I'm afraid that one newly arrived 0-6 year old is not going to command the attention of an entire enclave, assuming anyone is actively trying to sense her. If you mean she is somehow so strong in the force that everyone senses her and rushes out to marvel at her, then I'm very sorry, but no.
So you mean to say that because she is a fast learner, she's in danger of falling to the Dark Side and all the masters look at her askance? There's something called 'Mary Sue' that I advise people to check up on. That's when a character is just too good at everything, and has no drawbacks. This right here is a Sue warning, where a character at an early age is vastly better than everyone else and even the masters are in awe of them.
What age is she taken as a Padawan?
Section 3
Many kilometers away? That's a little too much of a feat for a young Padawan.
Dantooine isn't really known for having scathing summers or harsh winters, but I can approve of the general idea of survival training.
Wha?
O.O
Now wait just a clock tick, you mean to say that at 13 she's mastered Shii Cho, sensed people kilometers away, learned force body techniques, and can outrun her master? Who nelly, slow down. Too much too fast. You're really overreaching here.
And now she's 13 and levitating whole trees? I repeat my previous statement.
And she masters Makashi in a year? The rule of thumb here is one point for every two years, which means it takes ten years to master a form. Shii Cho alone isn't generally mastered until Knighthood.
Section 4
What exactly is an "E-9 Explorer scout-vessel"?
Section 5
Why exactly do they respond to a distress beacon and not the planetary authorities?
Now, I have this thing, where I see RP samples in the bio and it makes me a sad lemur. I just frown when I see a ton of realtime dialogue telling a full story.
Apart from that, there are a few issues. Bounty? What makes a handful of guys think they can take down a Jedi? if they set the distress signal (which is vague), what makes them think it would be a Jedi who responds and not the planetary authorities who are presumably much more likely to respond if only by virtue of numbers and proximity. And what would Dark Jedi want with Jedi? They'd want to stay as far away as possible if they have any sense.
As a word of advice, whenever you make a bio, try to ask yourself if something makes sense before you write it. When something feels contrived, it just doesn't flow right.
Section 6
So, there's that realtime dialogue thing again. Apart from that there are more serious problems here. The first one of those is that ten minutes is not enough to learn a specialized force power. Takes more like ten years. Apart from that, Force Valor is a skill that amplifies body movements.
starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Force_valorIt is not a sense of empowerment.
Section 7
First off, how old is she right now? You haven't given us any indicators on what length of time has passed in the bio.
And you're doing that realtime thing again. Try to remember the bio is a summary of the character's history, and while the occasional delve into dialogue and a realtime experience can form a pleasant miniature story, the absence of other summary is distracting and doesn't provide much information.
I'm afraid a Jedi must use his or her hands and full attention to build a lightsaber and set the crystal. It isn't something you can just do in meditation.
Section 8
There are far more than two Jedi on Ilum, there is a whole Jedi Temple there. And as with any other Jedi facility...
No hoards of Dark Jedi invading. Just, no. I really shouldn't even have to explain myself on that.
Section 9
Show, don't tell. You can't really gloss over an undisclosed number of years and assign a feat without justification. And the young Padawan surpasses the experienced master.
I really hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you have a big Sue problem here.
It's late, I'm out of time here. You can work off what I've done here, and make changes, but you can ask other members for reviews as well. I'll ask Mike and/or Ghostie to take a look see when they have time and finish up where I left off. I need a bit of a break from all this reviewing.
