Cynthia Restania[WIP]

[aduor23]

Name:Cynthia Restania
Age:18 Years old
Race:Amaran
Birth place:Nar Shaadaa
Height:5 ft
Weight:206 LBS.
Eye Color:Black
Hair Color:Orange[Fur]

Appearance:


Personality:
Cynthia is very laid back and sometimes very irresponsible. Although many call her 'reckless', she tries to think everything through before going through with it. However, she takes great pride in making sure her fur coat is clean and spiffy, and that her ship is in great repair. She rarely gets angry, and if so, must have a very good reason.


Profession:Smuggler

Skills:
Slicer
Flurry

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 6
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 6
Leadership: 3

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 5
Ranged Weapons: 4


Ship Name: Hasaq's Sun

Bio: ****Birth, Orphan, and Mentor****
Born to a family of careless, smug, and greedy gamblers, her young years were full of turmoil. In fact, it wasn't long before she was orphaned on the streets of Nar Shaadaa. Young, abandoned, alone, she was scared. However, a Duros Smuggler named Chut Na Daba found a young Cynthia on the streets, and decided to take her under his wing. Cynthia was scared to be with him at first, but grew to respect him as he taught her to fly, and smuggle.

At age 5, he deemed her old enough to be taught some tricks of the trade. A notorious criminal, he decided to teach her how to pickpocket successfully. Although she found this hard at first, it became easier every-time, and she always got a cut of the payments. A year later, she racked up a whooping 1,000 credits in two months, an outstanding achievement. However, Chut had even more plans for young Cynthia.

When she was seven, Chut purchased a swoop bike, and began to teach her how to use it. She enjoyed the high speed, the wind in her face, but she was enraged that she couldn't join any races because of her young age.

RP Sample:

[Cosmo]

Hello there! I have some free time and nothing to do, so I am going to give a review. Feel free to use any of it, or ignore me completely. If a Mod or Admin says anything opposing what I say, take their word. They have the power... (Trying not to say Grayskull.)

Eye Color: Orange? Interesting. I admit, I know very little about Echani, but orange would be a rather cool eye color to have.

Appearance: A little more would do loads for your post. Talk about her skin tone, her nose, her lips, her body, the way she walks, even the way she smells, all those little details are going to be wanted by the Mod, and it will help create a picture in your readers mind. Having a nice, in-depth description will help you when it comes time to post giving you little details to add about her to enhance the environment.

Skills: Persuasion, I suppose getting others to do what you want is a skill, but your bio should back this up. Not sure about dueling, so I am just going to shy away from that.

Lightsaber Color: In order to have silver, just a heads up, you should have a nice section in your bio explaining how she came upon that exotic crystal. (I have yet to read it.)

Lightsaber Forms: Way too high for an apprentice level. The skills you have now are above what a common Jedi Knight would have. I would bump Shii-Cho up to 4, and pick one other form and keep it a 2-maybe a 3 if you can give a really good bio.

Force Abilities: I admit, I do not know much about this, but given how many lightsaber forms she has, you would be seriously lacking in the Force department, so I would say its too high.

Attributes: Strength.. 4 is the average human woman, 6 would be a rather well toned man. If you can explain that in the bio, then I retract my objection, but I believe she should be strength 5.

Intelligence 7 is pretty high. 5-6 should represent normal-educated and is what most people are, so unless the bio explains how she is far smarter then almost all in the galaxy, it should not be that high.

Unarmed 6, I can see as she is an Echani, and they do have a reputation for hand-to-hand combat and assuming your bio explains about her Echani training.

7 in melee weapons is pretty high. Do note that lightsabers do not count as melee weapons. Since I assume she trained with a lightsaber all this time, she probably will not be a seven as a seven means she is a master at swords/clubs/etc who has studied a decade or more to achieve her mastery.

Bio: From what I know, levitating objects require training and dedication as it is one of the things the Jedi have to teach the younglings as its not something they do naturally, of course, everyone is different.

Three is... kind of early to begin any training what so ever. They are just beginning to speak in complete sentences much less learn to use the force by themselves. Again, mind tricks is something that requires a powerful and skilled Jedi to do. From what I have seen and read, it is not something a child would be able to do even if instructed, much less on her own.

People do no just grow up and know how to use the Force. Its not something they just learn like walking. A normal child spends 4-6 years under the tutelage of Jedi Masters just to get the basic concepts down. She is not going to be able to do all this by herself no matter how much natural talent she may have.

Tribe's Jedi? What? If the tribe had a Jedi then there would be no need for her to learn by herself. If there was a Jedi from the tribe, I highly doubt he would just leave his lightsaber as they are a part of the Jedi. The crystal is a part of them as much as their very arm so just leaving their lightsaber on purpose, is not something they would do, it is why when a Jedi surrenders their lightsaber to the council when leaving, it is so symbolic.

If she had no one to teach her how to use a lightsaber, she is not going to know any forms much less so many.

The Bio is going to need to be thought out more, way more details are going to be needed to be added, and a lot of what you wrote is probably going to need to be changed. I would suggest looking over a couple of accepted profiles to get a feel of what you need to have.

[aduor23]

Thanks Cosmo
I changed some things, mainly everything. Now we have a furry!

[Cosmo]

No problem I enjoy it in a strange way. Ok, review version 2. Same as last time, all I am giving is advice to help. If a Mod or Admin says something that goes against what I said, take their word.

Personality: Its hard to be calm and then quick to anger at the same time. I would go with something like... she is usually calm, but there are a few things that cause her to explode in fury such as: Then go into a list of things she just cannot stand.

She takes very much pride in making sure her fur coat is spiffy and clean.

Quirks help a lot, so I do like this being in her personality, but replace very much pride, with great pride. It helps the sentence flow, reading your paragraphs aloud will help you with any flow problems that may be in a written piece. I do it all the time.

You have a few typos throughout your profile, but re-reading and reading aloud will find most, if not, all of them.

Expand a little, what makes her happy? What does she love to do? What does she hate? What is she afraid of? Does she like being in groups? Is it easy for her to talk and/or open up to others?

Skills: Replace computer use with Slicing. Its the same thing, but its the Star Wars term.

Lightsaber color: Purple, I believe, is a color you have to explain. I believe you can use red, blue, yellow, or green without any trouble. Perhaps orange. Not sure, this is one of those things that the Mod decides with their almighty power.

Lightsaber forms: Again, too high for an apprentice. Shii-cho 4 is probably ok, but either pick one other form and make it level 2 or maybe you could get away with level 3.

Force Abilities: Look fine to me. If you aren't going to be using something like Force lightning, you won't need destruction. Destruction is pretty much for those big Dark Side moves.

Attributes: I am not sure a Selonian is strength 7 that said I am not well versed on Selonian physiology. I leave the stats in the Mods hand, as I have little skill with alien races that differ greatly from the human standard.

Unarmed you will probably have to explain in your bio as well as give examples as to why. Ranged and melee will probably both be fine.

Bio

Birth and Early Years

You crammed 13 years of life and experience into one paragraph which is usually a big nono, but I will give out a few questions and tid bits that you could use to help expand your bio.

Firstly, why would they send a child? They would have to wait years just for her to grow old enough to be of use, an entire decade. It just seems to be... well, stretched. Why would they do this? Before you go on, you need to think about that question as it seems to be a little weak.

Also, its very unlikely she would speak Selonian. If she was raised by a Corellian family, she is most likely going to speak basic as her first, and most likely, only language. Unless there is something stated that all their race are born with the knowledge of their language as if it was instinctual. I am using the human example for if you took a baby from Nigeria to Germany, that baby would still be Nigerian, but he/she would speak German, not Nigerian.

Babies and children learn from the adults around them, they are not imprinted with that knowledge... well, most sentient creatures are not.

Ok, now some things you can write about to greatly expand your bio. I mean, you want this thing to be long like an essay.

What was so strange about her? Was she mocked or the object of peoples xenophobia? What are the names of the family members? Did they have children? If so what was her relationship with them? What was her school life like? Did she never go to a hospital thus never get tested for Force-Sensitivity? (They do that on Corellia.), Did she suffer any traumatic experiences thus explaining her fears (Many of peoples fears are developed in their childhood.)

Teenage Years

Again, so much of her life was just skipped over in a small paragraph, but first lets talk about what you wrote, then we can go into more. Cooks don't tend to pick up thirteen year olds and make them chefs... Cooking at that level would require years of practice and experience, not something she could really master in two years. Perhaps helping the chefs cook would be acceptable, but not being a chef herself.

Most chefs don't get tips. I have rarely seen anyone give a chef a tip no matter how fine the meal, usually it goes to the waiters unless the restaurant has a policy where it takes a certain percentage away and gives it to the chefs, if that is the case, you need to say that! Details are always good! Kill our eyes with details. On this site, it is better to overwrite then underwrite.

If she left her home planet before she was three, she is not going to know Selonian principles. She would be a furry Corellian. Unless its a racial thing that's canon, she is not going to truly know anything about her people, she is going to be a Corellian at heart, not a Selonian.

A Jedi would not offer her a chance to become a Jedi. In this timeline, the Jedi are not desperate for more Jedi, thus they have a strict age 6, at most, limit. A Jedi will not take anyone older then that to the Temple to be trained, so he would not have offered her a position. He probably would have commented on that, and Jedi are known to be helpful, so maybe he would attempt to help her by himself.

If this is the case, you need to write way more about the Jedi, his name, how old he was, what rank did he have? What did he look like? He is a major plot character in your story.

Ok, some things you can add to spruce up that section, First love? Big, big, big part of teenage years, Did anything happen to her friends that she may have met as a child? Or did her lack of friends effect her growing up? How about the family? If they had children, did she bump heads with them at any time? Did she ever have her heart broken? How did she do in school? Also, Xenophobia is always fun to play with.

Training

Again, you keep packing years and years into tiny paragraphs. If she does not use the Dark Side, she will have no destruction skill.

I do not believe her age would effect her ability to learn how to use the Force. I believe Jedi take initiates at a young age in order to mold and discipline their minds and to ensure it is not sullied by the outside universe. I could be wrong on that, I would wait for the Mod on that one.

Its very hard to keep secrets from the Jedi Order that said, for him to have to not tell them that would mean he had left Corellia at times and came back periodically, something you should perhaps elaborate on and go into detail about.

She struggles with that aspect which is fine since its always good to have a weakness. How does one 'Realize the power of the Force'? Did she wake up one day and go "Oh! I know!"? Did her Jedi 'Master' give her a demonstration that wiped the doubt from her mind? It is very vague and needs to be explained.

Masters have been known to give their apprentices lightsabers when it was too early for them to build their own, so there is nothing wrong with that in itself, but if she does not know any saber techniques, she is not going to know any lightsaber forms. To say she does not know how to use it, instantly means all your lightsaber form stats go to Zero as she does not know them. Its the same as with your last character as far as the forms go.

Some ways to expand this is to write about some of the lessons he gave, what about her cooking job? Did she just drop it? What did her surrogate family think of all this? Her friends? How did she, herself, react to it?

[aduor23]

Well, Cosmo, i'm ready for Review Version 3!
P.S. Does Jorgan know your doing this?

[Cosmo]

Alrighty, review three, and other people besides Mods are allowed to give reviews. I can't accept your profile because I am not a Mod, and you do not have to take any advice I give, but we are allowed to help.

Personality: You added the anger thing . I would still like to see fears added to it, but you may be fine with what you have.

Lightsaber + lightsaber forms: Good.


Force-Sensitive Abilities: She only trained two years, so I would say no healing or protection abilities at all. I would say you should only have a 4 in telekinetic or telepathy, the rest should be 3s and 2s.

Attributes Strength looks good, Do not know much about her race, so I can't really say if speed is good or not. Int and LD are probably fine.

Unarmed is a little high if you do not explain it in your bio. Unarmed does not represent how hard you hit as that would be strength, its Martial Arts/Experience in brawls.

Bio:

Birth and Den Life

Remember, Sith are not the red-lightsaber swinging people they are in other stories. In this they are merely rich aristocrats. The Dark Side users are known as Dark Jedi, and they have only resurfaced just recently.

Much better as now they let her get a little older. I could easily believe a Den would assign jobs to their others before they even matured, but why would a child be frustrated with the 'lack' of knowledge? If she is only taught certain things, she is probably not going to know more outside her limited knowledge even exist.

However, that said, children her age do enjoy asking questions with Why being their favorite, so it is possible.

Jedi do not administer the test on Corellia the hospital staff do. They take a sample of your blood and then take a Midi-chlorian count.

Still want to see a little more. What did she do for fun as a child? Did she have any really close sisters? Did her detached feelings for the Den rub others the wrong way? Did anything traumatize her giving her a certain fear? Was she ever just a little bit afraid of the thought of leaving all she knew behind?

Over all, its better as it makes more sense, and you did add more, but I would suggest adding even more.

Corellian Life

Alright, glad you added in the names of the family a small personality trait to two of them, but if the son has a crush on a furry alien that is something you should play with! Talk about it, show examples! I really want to see more of her interactions with her new family.

Alrighty, I want to read how she felt when the results came in. Was she crushed and sank into a depression after being rejected by the Jedi who she had dreamed of joining for years? Did her 'brother' tell her 'Told you so.' This is a big plot point in her life.

Not sure if she would be able to use force push without training even if it was small. Usually, the force, in the untrained, manifest itself in small ways such as faster reflexes.

Did her brother show he was impressed? Did he talk to her during her suspension? Did his infatuation grow from the incident? What did her 'parents' think of the fight? How did the other kids in school react to the fight? Did they become afraid of her due to her strength and her difference as an Alien?

Waitress

That was rather sudden... While kids tend to believe infatuation is indeed love, its like she skipped the crush stage and went straight for the kill.. It seems a little rushed...

How was it not as easy as she thought? Did customers not trust her because of her race? Did she ever run into a few really xenophobic people? Did she trip and break glasses?

Year passed and now hes suddenly leaving? Romance is a great way to spruce up a bio. Did they get along? Did she ever have the courage to tell him? How did her 'brother' feel about this assuming he did indeed have a crush on her? Did he get jealous of this waiter boy? Did it stretch her relationship with her brother? Did her brother still like her?

Wouldn't they be afraid of her after he fought him? Not years after? Were the afraid of her? Or afraid that if they hung around her the Tran would get them? How did her relation with her 'brother' grow? Again, did he still like her? Did she ever comment on that? Did he ever say anything?

Training

Feels rushed again. What prompted this Jedi to train her? Why wouldn't he just keep on walking? Was it a hobby of this Jedi? Just became she is a Force Sensitive, doesn't mean he is just going to stop in the middle of the street and ask her if she wants to train.

Again training is rushed. She would have to learn the basic concepts of the force before even getting into the rest. You don't just learn those in a a month and then move on to the next. Each one takes years to understand and master.

Again, I want to see examples of training. I want to see a written paragraph on a training session she had with her master. Maybe sitting in the grass and levitating a rock, maybe trying to open her mind to the force, whatever.

I was about to write how you can't have an unknown, but really a loadlifter droid? A Jedi Knight, killed by a loadlifter? Seems... stretched. I do not believe Jedi are above mistakes, but... I just can't see it.


Ok so overall, Force Stats need to be brought down a little (In my opinion), I would like to see the personality written out a little more, and the bio is the main part of where we are. You are really almost done with the profile. Bio should have more details and be expanded.

Also try to separate your paragraphs in your bio with a space, so it makes it easier to read.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Just a quick correction here since it's not my section. The Sith Empire was composed of wealthy aristocrats, but the Sith Order of force users rose to power in the past two years. So before two years, there were only dark Jedi, but now there are Sith. But only now.

[aduor23]

I was referring 'Sith' to Dark Jedi.

[aduor23]

Thanks for the review Cosmo!

[Talau the Ever-Lurking]

I'm going to HIGHLY recommend that you read the section notes, from what I can see, you're likely missing some information from them.

Also, I'm going to HIGHLY recommend that you put a full line break between each paragraph. It's difficult to read your bio with it being little more than wall-o-text. It drives most of us nuts to read bios like that because its so incredibly easy to loose your place while reading/reviewing, not to mention it hurts the eyes after a while in a place where there is no such thing as a paragraph indention.

[Rugs]

Still working?

[aduor23]

Yes, however, may i request that this be moved to the Military App section?

[Rugs]

Sure