Argolari Vertain [WIP]

[aduor23]

Faction:
Department:
Rank:

Name:
Race:
Age:
Height:
Weight:
Birth place:

Appearance:

Personality:

Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 8
Leadership: 5

Unarmed: 1 - 10
Melee Weapons: 1 - 10
Ranged Weapons: 1 – 10


Bio:

Password:
RP Sample:

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

All right, let's take a look see here.

Since you're basically doing a giant bird, stats and things will be rather different. To begin with, weight will need to be lighter. There are healthy women who weigh a hundred pounds at 5 foot.

4.8 inches of wingspan per pound (the ratio of a Canada goose), 157 inches of wingspan. 33 pounds.

Incidentally this is right around a Condor or Trumpeter Swan in size apparently, so that ridiculously light weight is perfectly adequate. Anything heavier and he wouldn't be able to fly.

Appearance. One of the things you really should have caught onto about SWU is that all applications require a written appearance.

Personality. One word. Paragraphs. I'll still review your content, but you have got to structure it in something besides a wall of text.

I'm reluctant to accept terms such as 'renowned' when they show up in apps.

I'll discuss the lightsaber thing shortly, but for now I'll stick to personality. You discuss minor details, but I don't get a real picture of him. What makes him tick? Why does he get up in the morning? Details are fine, but they need a core trait or series of beliefs to rest upon.

Lightsaber stuff. You've got a giant bird here. With three fingers. He's barely going to be able to hold a lightsaber, least of all use one, and certainly not with any conventional forms designed by and for humanoid.

Force stats
For his age and inability to use a saber, this is quite low. I could easily see one or two 8s, a 7, a 6, etc.
You could also have a specialized skill in here.

Attributes
Given the fact he has hollow bones and is considerably smaller than the average human male, a 3 in strength should suffice. Speed and intel are fine, but leadership needs to come up to at least a 5 if you want him to be a Master.

Bio time.

Section 1
You may be aware of a phrase on SWU, 'no unknowns.' This is doubly true in your case, as you have selected a remote and primitive species, and therefore need some kind of justification for what exactly two of them are doing on Coruscant to begin with.

So how old does he progress in this section?

Section 2
If you had read the essential threads before creating a Jedi, you would have noticed that the latest a Jedi can enter the Order is 6. No exceptions, no ifs, ands, or buts.

Apart from that, we already covered the issue of five foot birds piloting things, with the conclusion that they cannot be operated. This extends to swoops. No swoop-racing birds, especially not pre-adolescents.

And yet further apart from that, you cannot jump from entry in the Order straight to being a Padawan. There is a massive Youngling-phase that is extremely important and pivotal.

As previously mentioned, lightsaber no es bueno unless we're talking purely ceremonial.

Section 3
There's one requisite aspect to being a Padawan on SWU: A master. I don't see one mentioned here at all.

Remember, you are here to tell a story. Tell a good one, illustrate relationships, and demonstrate growth. One other thing I want to here is how his race affects him. He's a giant bird, and aside from one mention of flight in the first section you haven't shown him doing a single thing differently from a human.

Further, we don't even do the Trial of Insight, and every one of the Trials needs a detailed explanation.

Section 4
Just like that he magically controls his emotions? How'd he learn? What changed him?

Now he's suddenly 30 without a single mission or assignment from the Order?

The standard method of getting the title Master is raising a Padawan to Knighthood. Alternatively, it can be great service or very long service. Neither has been done in this case.



I'm going to seriously recommend you start with a Knight or a Padawan, because I don't think you're up to the challenge of a Master-level character. It takes a lot of work and an extreme dedication in the application. You didn't even read the section notes.

Try to start small.

[aduor23]

Request to move to Military?

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

All right, moving it.