Ballen Maius

[ballenmaius]

Hello everyone, my name is Ty. This is my first attempt at roleplaying. I greatly appreciate any constructive criticism in the creation of my online character. I thank you for your considerations.

Name: Ballen Maius
Race: Human
Age: 24
Height: 1.85m
Weight: 90kg
Appearance: Ballen is a tall, well-built young man. He has short, dark hair. Years of strife have molded him into the form of not only a warrior, but a survivor as well. Ballen is a strong-jawed, fairly attractive human male. Ballen was born with blue eyes, but they have warped to a reddish-yellow in recent years. His attractive features bare the scars of of vibroblades, blaster bolts, and other wounds. Ballen's attire consists of grey robes reminiscent of those worn by some Jedi, as well as Jedi outcasts. Underneath these robes however, Ballen chooses to don a light armor made of Mandalorian metal. The armor is similar to the neo-crusader body harness worn by Mandalorian soldiers, however it is a deep, metallic black in color. His boots are similarly made, consistent of his Mandalorian tutelage.

Personality: Ballen's personality is somewhat complicated. His peers have described him to be violent, but reserved in his wrath. Self-hatred for the murder of his mother torments his mind, causing him to unleash that hatred upon those who oppose him. He is well-spoken, although he has no formal education. He may appear at first to be suave and gentlemanly young adult, but beneath the surface, a storm brews with uncertain emotional conflict. His voice is deep and masculine, capable of both comforting or menacing tone when truly needed. He believes himself to be superior to others because of his natural talents, but his degree of arrogance often overshadows his capabilities. This is a an issue that his Mandalorian "Mentor" addressed again and again.
Birth place: Centares

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Apprentice

Lightsaber: Double-Bladed, grey hilt.
Color: Vibrant Iridescent Violet

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 1
Makashi NA
Soresu NA
Ataru NA
Shien / Djem So 1
>>Sub-form Backhanded NA
Niman 1
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield NA
Juyo 1
Double Bladed combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 3
Telepathic: 1
Body: 1
Sense: 3
Protection: 3
Healing: 1
Destruction: 1

Specialized Skills: Force Repulse

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 6
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons: 7
Ranged Weapons: 7

Bio:
Birth-Adolescence

I was born on the planet of Centares, brought into a world of hardship and survival. The Republic had taken the planet into their sight, and as such, begun the formation of military bases and space ports. My father, a man by the name of Dormus Maius, declared publicly that The Republic presence on Centares was responsible for the recently declining economy. Republic officials quickly moved on the propagandist and after what was described as a brief scuffle, he was taken into custody. I was six at the time.
Thanks to insider in the republic communication's network, I got my hands on mission report of the incident. One Republic soldier stated: When we entered that damn house, it was like a heavy mist was in the air. We could all see fine, but we all felt something was just...off. Once we located and began to contract Designation 8373 (Dormus) his child screamed. I've never heard anything like it. The absolute hatred behind it was....unnerving. My squad mate was thrown two meters back and out the window. It broke his damn collarbone. Official reports state that the father must have been something we're calling "force-sensitive." Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. All I know is that I hope I never have to set foot on that planet again, because there is something very wrong with that child, and we all felt it.

Adolescence-Adulthood

As I grew towards adolescence, so did my lack of control. During the early half of my fourteenth year, my mother began physically abusing me. I don't know why this began, but I know that I trusted her, loved her. In recent years, she had begun to become more and more distant. I had walked in on her a few times with a new man. I never knew his name. But, I do know he introduced her to Glitterstim, an addictive and harmful spice. Late into my my fifteenth year, she came at me in a rage during one of her "highs." Her intent was to hit me with a durasteel beam she had gotten from her new man. A crude weapon, but effective in causing pain, I assure you. By this time, my fury at her was undeniable. I ran towards her without even thinking. I moved on instinct rather than a planned course of action. As my left shoulder slammed into her chest cavity, I felt her ribs shatter. The blow knocked her back through the doorway of the house. She fell into the mud as the heavy rain cascaded around her. Within an instant, I was on her. I tore the beam from her hand and dealt a blow to the side of her head, again and again. The first strike was the on that killed her, but I didn't want to kill her. I wanted to watch her body break. My pain transcended into an anger I could not control. Local authorities pursued me to a local spaceport where I managed to hide myself on a cargo frigate. After only a few minutes, they continued to search elsewhere. Relieved, I began to exit my hiding place. The ship departed before I could do, much to my chagrin.

The ship departed Centares, and made birth on Dxun, the fourth moon of Onderon. It was there that I was found and captured by the Mandalorian outcast, Coolak Kenv. He had left the Mandalorian way and made his home on Dxun. The case in which I chose to hide on Centares was full of goods that were meant for Coolak. Surprisingly,he found my vicious nature to be not only tolerable, but admirable. When the case was opened and I was discovered, I found out first hand what a Wester-34 barrel looks like. It wasn't exactly pleasant. However, when my age became apparent, Coolak withdrew the blaster and began his questions. After questioning me about how I got into his shipment, and receiving surprising honesty, Coolak began to train me in the way of Hukaatir A'den, a Mandalorian martial art that not only formed the body into a killing machine via usage of a double bladed sword-staff, but also taught control and self-subjugation. Coolak trained me in this art for six years, in which time I also received training that would have been given to a Mandalorian youth of the same age. At nineteen years of age, I could wield a blaster pistol with confidence, prove markmenship with a rifle, and meet my master blade to blade. Though slow at start because of my unwillingness to be controlled, eventually he became like a father to me.

Early Adulthood

At the age of twenty-one, I chose to leave Dxun, and Coolak behind. I believe that he knew as well as I that I needed to find my destiny. I managed to earn enough credits in three years through security detail for a Republic outpost. I escorted several merchants through the dense jungles of Dxun, along with a few soldiers as well. When I had enough to catch a ship off-planet, I did. The ship was yet another cargo transport, though this one was on it's way to a planet I was unfamiliar with. It was called Dantooine. For some reason or another, I felt drawn to this place. It was if the answers I had always hoped to find would find me here. Deep within my chest beats still the pain of my childhood, the suffering and malcontent. I have held on to that pain so long, and it has been my strength. I don't want to hurt any longer. I want to let go. I do not know why, but I feel that for the first time since early childhood, I will find peace.


RP Sample: Ballen directly after the accidental murder of his mother: A young human male kneels in the mud just outside of the home he shares with his mother on the mid-rim planet, Centares. The temperate climate has chosen rain for it's weather this night. The cool air and the wet drops of precipitation create a frigid sense in the body of the young man. Among the rain, two trails of tears running down his soft blue eyes were barely noticeable. A crack of thunder is heard in the distance, and after several seconds, a flash of lightening cascades across the dark sky.
The brief instance of light brought into view another figure: A middle-aged woman. The woman lies in the young man's arms, her body limp and lifeless. The young man lifts his head, his tear-strewn eyes piercing the darkness around him as he calls out into the night. His voice is dampened by the heavy rain, his call an unintelligible and savage roar. Pain is a mask upon his face, concealing what lies underneath. The boy lowers his arms, the woman's body rolling into the mud. He slams his fists down into the ground, covering himself with filth and grime. His body shakes with a tremor of volatile suffering.
Two kilometers away, the siren of a police speeder whines through rain, it's sound reaching the young man's ears. He stands quickly, his head swiveling to take in his surroundings. To the South and West, only plains. But to the North lies the sprawl of the city. Without hesitation, he turns north and begins to run.
Ballen in his days on Dxun:
*As his body and mind focus into the combat, Ballen lifts his rifle. A single bolt of plasma exits the barrel, screaming down the valley wall towards it's target. Ballen's eyes never flicker, his chest never moves as he ceases to draw breath. The bolt makes it's target, a raging boma. The beast receives the blow on it's back left leg. lifting up and roaring, it turns through the bush and makes it's way into another, larger opening. As it does, a drexl, catching the wind current's spots the beast and dives for it. The ensuing sounds secure Ballen's intent. The young merc turns his head towards the merchants he's escorting.* The valley is clear, let's move.

[Res]

First off, telekinetic stat is too high for the age and rank. It could lower it to about a 4. Body and sense could be lowered by a point or two. Destruction is something im not familiar with but I would guess take it down to a 2 or 3.

On to the non force says. First the male stat is anything other than a lightsaber such as viboblades. Speed could also come down to a 4.

Now lets go back to appearance. Try to make two paragraphs here, one for physical looks and other for clothing and other. Elaborate on it the more your have the better the reader can visualize you character.

Personality, got a good start here. Just tell us his quirks, flaws. This section is the first thing a person looks at when they first view an app to see if they want to write with the character.

Now bio, get more detail in it. Tell us how he was as a child, friends what he did where he was. Don't got to write a novel bit tell us what the major events in his life. Also just a tip space the paragraphs an little more makes it a little easier to read.

Before I forget. Saber techniques someone of that rank and age wouldn't know that many. Limit it to two it three but Shii-Cho is a must and by then he would have it mastered or nearly mastered.

Hope this helps. (By the way this was my first full review)

[Raytheon]

Hello, by no means take what I say as a concrete review as my opinion hold about 0% weight but this is only my opinion alone.

Whats first here.

Saber forms, normally I wouldn't argue his ability to have mastered Shii-Cho let alone his other aspects of the various forms he's skilled in, however since there is no mention of formal training in the Jedi Order, or a Grey Jedi/Dark JEdi his ability to have mastered Shii-Cho is questionable as will be his skill in all other skills such as Makashi, Soresu, Niman and Djem So. Also there is mention of a sword fighting style similar to Jar-Kai yet no skill points in it.

Moving onto Force abilities, his skills are WAY too high for having "again" no formal training from the Jedi Order or a Grey/Dark Jedi for it to be plausible and is too young to hold any "8's" those need to go down considerably.

He has "no" formal training in his bio and doesn't display any Destruction abilities, based purely on what I see in the bio here is what I'd place the skills at.

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 1
Body: 3
Sense: 1
Protection: 1
Healing: 1
Destruction: 1

I think you get the point.

As for the specialized skill of Force Repulse, lets say for argument sake he does have the innate ability to use it, like a child prodigy who can do art amazingly well he first must have training to draw and write same applies to advanced telekinetics without formal training he wouldn't know how to do this or be skilled enough to apply it.

For a human his speed is far too high, and his leadership seems a bit low for someone who trained with Mandalorians, a clan based society bent on cooperative efforts to commit to large scale war.

Unarmed looks good, ranged weapons would be higher for anyone trained by mandalorians and for him to have such a high melee skill he'd have to be far older and given he doesn't use a blade or melee weapon this doesn't make sense.

Note: Melee skill does "not" equate to lightsaber skill. Differences in the weapons make them as different as apples and oranges a melee weapon has full weight where as lightsabers only have weight in the hilt making them difficult to master for anyone not force sensitive. Also why you can't master the use of a lightsaber by practicing with vibroblades and vice versa.

Bio is TOO short, we should have an understanding of his relationship with Coolak Kenv what happened how intense was the training why did he eventually stray to find the Sith and yet without formal force training how did he kill a Jedi Knight AND and Sith Acolyte while they are mortal and can also due these are very difficult opponents who've trained in the arts of honing force abilities and lightsaber combat specifically.

However don't take this has a blow to your ability but rather an a opportunity to improve, we all started somewhere and can improve immensely.

[Reisier]

Heya Ty~! Well, let me introduce myself officially; my name is Reisier, though feel free to call me Reis, and I will be giving you a short review today. Keep in mind that I am not a moderator, so don’t feel forced to comply to my suggestions.


DOWN TO THE BASICS

[/b] Off to a good start, I’d say :3 But develop it a bit more. For instance, how is he reserved in his wrath? Give a little example or two. Believe me, it makes all the difference.
[/ul]


MA! LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!

DIG A LIL’ DEEPER

[/u] Okay, let’s say this area is going to take place from the age of 0 [/less than a year old] to about 13 [/early teens] so you have thirteen years to work with here. You can even describe the life of his parents even before he was born. What led up to the birth of Ballen Maius? Anyways, describe his family dynamic – did he have a happy childhood? Was he closer to his mother or his father? Did he go to school – how did he react to it? Was he excited about going to school or did he come up with wild excuses [/to use my sister’s when she was five ‘I can’t go to school because my heart is aching,’ true story too] to miss school? Did he have friends, someone he looked up to? Develop him more. This is the perfect place to start experimenting with him and setting in stone what you previously described.

Nevertheless, this is also the perfect area for you to decide – hey, I want him to be happy-go-lucky and peppy until his life took a turn for the worse, aka. the arrest of his father. HOW did his life change? Did he look up to his father or did the media villainize him so much that his own son believed it? What happened after this – was his family strained? I mean, you end this section when he was six years old, you still have seven years you can develop on to let us know how Ballen was affected and how the lack of a father figure started to mold him.

HEADS UP! The Force Scream episode, not sure how a mod would react to it since a little kid, an UNTRAINED little kid, wouldn’t have the ability to control the force to pull a stunt like that. I would run it by a mod to double-check [/nod nod]


Adolescence-Adulthood; Let’s say this will last from age 14 to about 19, sounds pretty good, yes? Well, right-off the bat I can tell you this is a lot better – you gave us more information and essentially let us glance into the new life that Ballen had. I would suggest trying to develop his relationships more. How did he mother become distant and how fast – was it the result of losing her husband or the hardship that losing her husband brought? Did she take out her anger on Ballen or was the abuse the result of the drugs, prompting her to apologize the next day to the boy because of her actions. I could say the same about his friendship with Coolak – how did this relationship change him? Just give us more, don’t be a tease! I mean, you are talking about a guy that could essentially be described as a father figure to Ballen, someone that, without a doubt, created an impact on him.


Early Adulthood; Okay, age 20 to 22, that’s still three years you could use to develop it more. For instance, what did he do to earn credits? Did he work along Coolak or got a series of odd jobs? WHAT allowed him to get off Dxun? And, once he did, did Ballen part with the best of wishes from Coolak? How did he create his lightsaber, where?

Think of your character as an actual, real person – full of experiences and stories to tell. Even the person who looks mundane can have an amazing tale to be told, all stories are amazing, but it’s the details that make them outstanding.


ANYWAYS! Great roleplay sample, for it you have my kudos :3
Overall, it’s a good profile, it just needs to be tweaked a bit and you should be good to go. Like I've already mentioned multiple times, but I will mention it once more -- don't be afraid of details -- details are your friends, you'll come to love them :3 [/ul]

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

Moved to Jedi section at member request.

Please remember to change the template and to read the Jedi section notes.

[Lemur, The Kool-Aid Guy]

All right, review time. Let's try to get you squared away here.

To begin with, don't put anything before the actual app. You can introduce yourself in a different section, not your app.

Appearance: Rather than have two pictures, what you should do is use the facial picture, and then take the second picture and put it in like this
[url=http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s619/BallenMaius/doubleBladed_jedi_2.jpg][b]What He Wears[/b][/url]

That way you keep additional pictures not in the way. Apart from that, I'd like to see you divide this into two paragraphs, one on what he looks like and the other on what he wears.

Now, to review the actual content... His eyes won't be that color unless he's deep in the dark side, in which case he wouldn't be a Jedi. I'll have to look in his bio to see if this armor is justified but it could be an issue. The big is that you describe 'Mandalorian tutelage' which would be incompatible with the Jedi, but we'll deal with that once I read it.

Personality. This is not a remotely Jedi personality, you're going to have to dial it way back, because Jedi don't 'do' violent wrath. Additionally, as a Jedi he would have received a formal education as a Youngling.

Rank. I presume you mean Padawan.

Lightsaber forms: At his age he should, assuming he's not incompetent as a Padawan, have a 4 or 5 in Shii Cho and perhaps 3 points in other forms. If you read the section notes you will discover no one can have points in Juyo without three forms mastered already. Additionally, you gave him a saberstaff, which really requires that you have points in Double Bladed Combat.

Force stats: These should come up as well, unless he's supposed to have the abilities of a fresh Padawan.

Specialized Skills: He can't have Repulse with a 3 in telekinetic, if that was a 6 I'd say he can be learning the power, perhaps mid-way through mastery.

Attributes. His personality doesn't seem to describe him as a leader or intelligent, so drop each of those by one point if you please.

Learned Skills. These are much too high, as your typical Jedi is not instructed in two of these. If he was an investigator or a Guardian he might be able to have fives, assuming the other stats remain sacrificed.

Bio time.

To begin with, the bio MUST be third person and past tense. There's no way around that. I'll still look over the content, but that doesn't mean you don't have to change the narrative format.

Section 1
Centares took some effort for me to pin down the location, but it's in the same sector as New Holstice, which is Republic. Therefore it doesn't make sense to say the Republic took it 'into their sight' as it would already be a member. Additionally, the Republic doesn't imprison people for saying rude things about it. It'd take an actual crime for them to arrest this guy. The 'mission report' thing also has to go, for two reasons. 1. It's an incorrect form of narrative, 2. It's not believable.

Section 2
All Jedi have to enter the Order by their sixth year or they are too old for training. This is not generally a problem however, as on every Republic world children are given a blood test at birth to determine Force-sensitivity, and the Jedi are notified. They contact the parents, who are given the opportunity to give up their child for training.

And that's all the review that I can do since you didn't read the section notes. On the off-chance you can't find them, here are links:

swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=2546

swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=1359

swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=12650

swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=8186

[Dutch]

Listen to what everyone up there says ^

Let me know either here or in a PM when you've modified

Addendum: You have one week to post here or PM me, otherwise Imma move this to Incomplete.

[Dutch]

Moved to Incomplete