Post by Raytheon on Nov 22, 2012 14:16:17 GMT -5
Hi I'm Talratheon and will be giving you a review, I'm not a mod so while my word isn't concrete I do have limited experience in the applications of Jedi. I'm sure Lmr will be along to give you a review as well.
Okay starting off, Name, Race, Age , Hight and Weight are all good though you need to change the measurement from stones or metric or imperial systems of measurement aka pounds or kilograms.
You should expand further on the appearance whats her usual expressions, scars, how does she walk, how does she carry her self.
Personality this is where it gets sketchy, her inability to control rage in particular and what many would call a red flag meaning she would never be trained in the force by the Jedi and likely expelled from the Order. Remember the first line of the Jedi Code.
"There is no emotion, there is peace." she clearly hasn't learned either and wouldn't have passed her initiate trials.
Her powers don't describe her personality at all tell us what are her fears, goals, ambitions, motivations, why does she breathe whats purpose in life does she have? Also Starkiller is likely the worst reference to follow in terms of making a Jedi ever. He was over powered for the interest of selling a video game.
Birth place and Faction look good, as for Rank she is a Padawan there really no negotiating here. The minimum age of a knight is 22, reason being they are chosen to be a padawan at age 12-13 plus ten years of tutelage under a Jedi Knight or Master.
Lightsabers, she would have her own lightsabers by now and they wouldn't be training unless specified in the bio, which it isn't. Red can be justified but is uncommon for a Jedi to have. Moving on..
There should be points in Shii-Cho that's the first form taught in the Jedi Order to younglings, and in fact their skill in Shii-Cho is a precursor to being chosen for padawan ship. But I will make more mention of this later.
I don't have the correct amount of experience to comment on force stats so I'll that to the more capable hands of a qualified reviewer or Mod.
As for specialized skill let me sum it up in a quote. "HAHAHAHA no." No Force Rage, in fact that skill alone defies all qualities the Jedi would be willing to accept it's also a Darkside ability an ability the Jedi Order wouldn't condone. It needs to go like bad Chinese food left in the fridge far too long.
Stats .. so you didn't read the links before making a profile I see alright lets break this down.
With an eight in strength it would make her physically more powerful than a wookiee lets note a wookiee can literally rip apart a human with his hands, She's a 17 year old girl this won't get accepted and will never get accepted it need to go down to plausible levels 4 or 5.
Intelligence, she's 17 and has an anger problem the bio is unable to justify her intelligence, why is she that intelligent it needs to go down.
Speed, 10 will never be approved it's a reference number this would basically make you a God, the character is a 17 year old human 7 alone is the equivalent of Olympic runners basically the limitations of human capability. She's a teen and even though she is a Jedi I'm sure an Olympic runner would leave her in the dust. This needs to go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY down.
Leadership.. okay.
Unarmed, might need justification.
Melee, nope no bio justification
Ranged: Okay.
Bio, I read it and not enough things bad could be said about it but instead you need to hunker down and thoroughly read these links. Once you read them, take a breather and read them again.
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedpen&action=display&thread=18115&page=1
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=2546
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=8186
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=12650
While I applaud you on your attempt to create an application worry not, it's a learning process we try and we fail but we learn and do better. In the mean time I think it goes without saying by a Mod to go ahead and slap a (WIP) on this app name and reconfigure.
But just to give you and outline of how a bio should be done read other "Accepted Bios" it should shape this conformity.
Birth --> Childhood --> Youngling years -- ( Padawan Relationship ) <-- You are here.
Okay starting off, Name, Race, Age , Hight and Weight are all good though you need to change the measurement from stones or metric or imperial systems of measurement aka pounds or kilograms.
You should expand further on the appearance whats her usual expressions, scars, how does she walk, how does she carry her self.
Personality this is where it gets sketchy, her inability to control rage in particular and what many would call a red flag meaning she would never be trained in the force by the Jedi and likely expelled from the Order. Remember the first line of the Jedi Code.
"There is no emotion, there is peace." she clearly hasn't learned either and wouldn't have passed her initiate trials.
Her powers don't describe her personality at all tell us what are her fears, goals, ambitions, motivations, why does she breathe whats purpose in life does she have? Also Starkiller is likely the worst reference to follow in terms of making a Jedi ever. He was over powered for the interest of selling a video game.
Birth place and Faction look good, as for Rank she is a Padawan there really no negotiating here. The minimum age of a knight is 22, reason being they are chosen to be a padawan at age 12-13 plus ten years of tutelage under a Jedi Knight or Master.
Lightsabers, she would have her own lightsabers by now and they wouldn't be training unless specified in the bio, which it isn't. Red can be justified but is uncommon for a Jedi to have. Moving on..
There should be points in Shii-Cho that's the first form taught in the Jedi Order to younglings, and in fact their skill in Shii-Cho is a precursor to being chosen for padawan ship. But I will make more mention of this later.
I don't have the correct amount of experience to comment on force stats so I'll that to the more capable hands of a qualified reviewer or Mod.
As for specialized skill let me sum it up in a quote. "HAHAHAHA no." No Force Rage, in fact that skill alone defies all qualities the Jedi would be willing to accept it's also a Darkside ability an ability the Jedi Order wouldn't condone. It needs to go like bad Chinese food left in the fridge far too long.
Stats .. so you didn't read the links before making a profile I see alright lets break this down.
With an eight in strength it would make her physically more powerful than a wookiee lets note a wookiee can literally rip apart a human with his hands, She's a 17 year old girl this won't get accepted and will never get accepted it need to go down to plausible levels 4 or 5.
Intelligence, she's 17 and has an anger problem the bio is unable to justify her intelligence, why is she that intelligent it needs to go down.
Speed, 10 will never be approved it's a reference number this would basically make you a God, the character is a 17 year old human 7 alone is the equivalent of Olympic runners basically the limitations of human capability. She's a teen and even though she is a Jedi I'm sure an Olympic runner would leave her in the dust. This needs to go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY down.
Leadership.. okay.
Unarmed, might need justification.
Melee, nope no bio justification
Ranged: Okay.
Bio, I read it and not enough things bad could be said about it but instead you need to hunker down and thoroughly read these links. Once you read them, take a breather and read them again.
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedpen&action=display&thread=18115&page=1
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=2546
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=8186
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=jedijedi&action=display&thread=12650
While I applaud you on your attempt to create an application worry not, it's a learning process we try and we fail but we learn and do better. In the mean time I think it goes without saying by a Mod to go ahead and slap a (WIP) on this app name and reconfigure.
But just to give you and outline of how a bio should be done read other "Accepted Bios" it should shape this conformity.
Birth --> Childhood --> Youngling years -- ( Padawan Relationship ) <-- You are here.
