Post by Adobi-Wan Kenobi on Feb 26, 2013 14:22:59 GMT -5
Hello there! I'm Adobi-Wan Kenobi and i'll be reviewing your character today.
First let me say Senate guard isn't all that common here, so nice choice! *thumbs up*
OK first off, looks like the code got messed up a bit,
This is all supposed to go after your general information,
The next big thing i notice is that he's located in the military board. Senate guard actually classify under police, and therefore civilian. So you should probably have him moved over to that section.
Also i think your weight is a little low.
Your Appearance needs to be expanded on a bit, i don't really get to much of a picture of what he looks like.
Personality looks decent.
Skills are good.
IF you underwent all this training, i'd think you would have a 6 in strength and speed possibly.
your bio also has a spacing problem, you'll space a sentance before it's over, just something you should fix to make it a smoother read.
OK where did he go, and why did he go? Just a couple of details you missed there.
Most of the bio is great. Just fix those few things i pointed out and i'll revamp an update here soon.
RP sample looks fine.
I don't see any major problems in the bio, other then what i pointed out, and a couple of spelling errors. Anyway, hope i could help.
First let me say Senate guard isn't all that common here, so nice choice! *thumbs up*
OK first off, looks like the code got messed up a bit,
Faction: Republic
Military
Department: Special Forces
(Senate Commando)
Rank: Captain
Military
Department: Special Forces
(Senate Commando)
Rank: Captain
This is all supposed to go after your general information,
Name: Terek Jornn (SG-198)
Race: Human
Age: 29
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 150lbs
Birth place: Gebroila, Nal Hutta
Race: Human
Age: 29
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 150lbs
Birth place: Gebroila, Nal Hutta
The next big thing i notice is that he's located in the military board. Senate guard actually classify under police, and therefore civilian. So you should probably have him moved over to that section.
Also i think your weight is a little low.
Your Appearance needs to be expanded on a bit, i don't really get to much of a picture of what he looks like.
Personality looks decent.
Skills are good.
IF you underwent all this training, i'd think you would have a 6 in strength and speed possibly.
your bio also has a spacing problem, you'll space a sentance before it's over, just something you should fix to make it a smoother read.
One day, Tevaan decided he would pay a visit to one of the other local Hutt
lords. He took Hithan, another guard Terek couldn’t remember, and himself.
Although Terek was now use to leaving the palace, this was the furthest he was
going, and the first time he was travelling in a shuttle. It was an old model,
Hithan told him, but that didn’t matter to Terek. He never forgot the joy he
felt the first time the shuttle doors closed and the world started to disappear
from under him. He felt like he could fly, fly to some distant planet and live
happily for the rest of his life.
lords. He took Hithan, another guard Terek couldn’t remember, and himself.
Although Terek was now use to leaving the palace, this was the furthest he was
going, and the first time he was travelling in a shuttle. It was an old model,
Hithan told him, but that didn’t matter to Terek. He never forgot the joy he
felt the first time the shuttle doors closed and the world started to disappear
from under him. He felt like he could fly, fly to some distant planet and live
happily for the rest of his life.
OK where did he go, and why did he go? Just a couple of details you missed there.
Most of the bio is great. Just fix those few things i pointed out and i'll revamp an update here soon.
RP sample looks fine.
I don't see any major problems in the bio, other then what i pointed out, and a couple of spelling errors. Anyway, hope i could help.
