Bax Ka

[Archer]

Name:Bax Ka
Race: Nautolan
Age: 22
Height: Five feet Six inches
Weight: 145 pounds

Appearance: Bax shares many physical features with the rest of his people. For example he has large black eyes and tendrils coming from the back of his head. Besides the tendrils he is bald and his skin color is that of a light blue.

Bax usually wears a plain brown robe with the hood covering his head. He wears a belt which usually holds his equipment such as his lightsaber. He tends to wear light clothing to help him move fast whenever he fights. On both of his hands he wears dark brown gloves and on his feet he wears boots of the same color.

Bax also has several unique features. There is a small birthmark on the back of his shoulder which he rarely shows anyone. Also he has a small scar around his chest which he also doesn't show anyone.

Personality: Bax was taught to always remain calm no matter what. He is a thinker who tries to plan ahead before taking action. He will try not to fight and find a peaceful solution. He is very merciful and will usually meditate in his free time.

However when things do not go well Bax can be unpreditcible. He will do whatever it takes to achieve victory. However he will still make sure that everyone makes it out alive. Sometimes he would lose control of his emotions and nearly fall to the dark side. However he has not truly fallen yet.

Bax is actually very friendly to some of the other Jedi. Other than meditating he will sometimes spar with someone who is willing. He thinks of the Order as his family since he has no memory of his true family.

Birth place: Glee Anselm

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Padawan

Lightsaber: Single Blade
Color: Green

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 4
Makashi 0
Soresu 0
Ataru 3
Shien / Djem So 0
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman 0
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo 0
Double Bladed Combat 0

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 4
Body: 3
Sense: 1
Protection: 2
Healing: 1
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 4
Leadership: 5

Unarmed: 4
Melee Weapons: 0
Ranged Weapons: 0

Bio: Birth to eighteen

Bax was born on Glee Anselm and after being tested was confirmed to be force sensative. His parents decided to send him to the Temple to be raised there instead of stay at his home for a few years. After that he was raised at the Temple nursery until he became a youngling of the Jedi Order.

As a youngling Bax never listen to any of the lessons taught to him. Instead he would often hang out with his friends. There were some who thought he would never become a knight in the Order until he war around the age of tweleve. It was at this point a Jedi Master named Zelak took him as a Padawan.

Zelak was a Zabrak and a Consular of the Jedi Order. He trained many students before but that was in his prime. Old age was catching up with him and he decided to train one more student before he died. Seeing Bax, the master thought he could change the young child into a wise Jedi Knight.

As time went by the master and student had their differences. Zelak mainly taught Bax the ways of the Force while the padawan wanted to learn how to fight. When he was around fourteen he confronted his master about not teaching him how to fight. In response the aging master told him that the Force can be used as a weapon and that he would learn how to fight with a weapon soon.

They would sometimes go on several missions but they were often short and were more of diplomatic missions. Eventually several weeks after the master told his student that he'll learn to fight soon he  taught Bax more ways to use the Force as a weapon and taught him Shii-Cho and unarmed fighting. He mainly trained against other padawans since Zelak had troubles fighting with a weapon now. This would continue until the student was seventeen.

Zelak told Bax that he would make his first lightsaber. After crafting the pieces for the weapon they traveled to Ilum to pick out his crystal. He picked out a green one and under guidance from his master made his first lightsaber. They stayed on the planet for a few more days with Zelak falling ill but he survived.

Zelak didn't have much time but focused on finishing his student's training. It was around this time that Bax began to change. He came to respect his master and after that they settled all of their differences. Now the master was sure that he would be a Jedi Knight one day.

Eighteen to twenty two.
Upon returning to the Temple Zelak helped trained his student to prepare for the trials. Bax would continue to spar with several other padawans to help in the Trial of Skill. When he was around twenty he was informed that he would take the Trial of Skill in the next few weeks.

For the Trial of Skill, Zelak decided to face his padawan in battle. The battle was mainly one of force abilities with the two using lightsabers during certain parts of the battle. However Bax's powers and his training of Shii-Cho was of no match for the elderly Jedi.

Bax now trained in Ataru seeing how Shii-Cho was good only for multiple enemies. He also began to train in the Force as well knowing it will likely be the same as the last time. When he was around twenty one Bax was yet again informed that he would take the Trial of Skill again soon.

Bax waited for his master who didn't show up at all. Then he was informed that Zelak passed away peacefully in his sleep last night. He was sadden by this but knew his master would of wanted to continue on. It was decided that with the elderly master's death that the padawan would of passed the Trial of Flesh. Now he waits for a new master training for when the time comes.

RP Sample: Bax was sparring with another padawan around his age. They both have created their lightsaber and dueled with them. It has only been several weeks since his master had passed away yet he trained on wanting to finish the Trials.

Once the duel started the other padawan went on the offensive with his blue lightsaber. Bax stayed on the defensive looking for a weakness of the other padawan. He took several steps back each time he blocked an attack and was slowly heading towards a corner.

Now Bax noticed a weakness: the other padawan relied much on strength and lacked speed. After blocking another blow he quickly struck back. The other padawan was surprised by this and barely had enough time to block the attack. After a few more blows the padawan was disarmed and Bax knew that this would be the first victory of many.

[Dutch]

'Ello Archer, let's take a looksie at Bax here:

Appearance: My only concern here is the emphasis on fighting. Jedi aren't all about fighting y'know? A little more detail couldn't hurt either. How does he hold himself? Does he have any identifying marks?

Personality: Not flawed, but not exactly inspired. Seems like a pretty cut and dry hero archetype. Won't stop approval necessarily, but I personally would like to see much more development here. What are his hobbies? Likes/dislikes? How is he with people? Flesh him out more, we wanna see who he is exactly.

Saber forms are a tad high for someone who doesn't use his lightsaber primarily. I would recommend knocking them down two points total.

Force abilities:

Looks alright here for the most part, since you described him as primarily a Force focused character. His Telekinetic score is a little on the high side for his age, I'd bring this down to a 5, that way he is still specialized while not being overpowered for his age/rank. Also, put at least a one or a two in sense so he can at least perceive the Force.

Attributes:

Couple of flags here. Namely his intel, which is quite high. Unless his concept is of someone very cerebral, it's high for someone in their early twenties. Average intelligence at a full adult is a five, get what I'm saying? Bio will determine if he sounds like he deserves that seven, though consider changing this if it's just for a stat advantage. On that note, a 3 is quite low for a young man. Unless he's smaller in size, he'd likely have a four here.

Bio:

Can already tell you I'd like to see a bit more. Check previously accepted bios to get an idea of what we'd like to see in detail.

If Bax was born on Glee Anslem, he'd be tested for Force sensitivity pretty much right away since it's a Republic world.

I notice you went with the 'quiet learner' type of Jedi. If I had a nickel for every time I read that same paragraph (more or less), I'd be rich. Why not try for something different? If there were nothing but quiet, unsociable Jedi they wouldn't be much of an order would they?

Also on that note, most children wouldn't be looking to study, especially not at that age. Children are hilariously ADD about life, and would have a stronger desire to splash around in mud than sit and learn. Try to think back to your own childhood, or even just watch kids in a park or something. Most of them can hardly sit still let alone try to teach themselves.

The problem I see with Bax's master is how you have him approaching 'combat'. Think of it more as learning self defense, considering how often Jedi get into sticky situations. It just doesn't make sense for a Jedi to skim on that. Another thing I'd like to know is what class of Jedi Zelak is. Why did he choose Bax? Especially at his age, taking on a learner would be quite strenuous. I also need to know what Zelak's job within the Order was to determine if staying on Coruscant for Bax's education would be kosher or not. Jedi are galactic travelers, and needed/deployed across it. Unless there's a specific reason, they wouldn't just stay on the planet.

So next paragraph you mention that he was taught combat-oriented things after all. Only problem is you barely mention it, just kinda list what they do and that's it. Jedi training is a lifelong thing, they wouldn't just teach in blocks, it'd be a constant fluid thing. I'd like to see this more. Also, a Jedi really wouldn't be making their own lightsaber so young. Not really unless they were following the paths of the guardian and such. A lightsaber is a very personal thing, not to mention very very complicated and dangerous. Bax really wouldn't be creating his for another couple of years likely.

In general here five paragraphs is simply too short to cover fifteen years of a persons life. Before we go further, I'd like to see you flesh this out more. Go ahead and touch up as I've noted, and lemme know when finished so we can go on.

[Archer]

Ready for a review again.

[Fromikeable]

Howdy Archer! They call me Fro, but I call them all correct for calling me Fro =P

... oh boy, I'm REALLY out of it. Hopefully not too out of to give you some decent pointers though, so let's dig in! =P

One quick preceding note though; green and red trump blue in this neck of the woods, so if anyone with one of those colors spelling out their names say that I'm wrong? Weeeeeeeell, then I'm wrong. But alas, sally forth! Onward!

Name through Appearance: You say that he doesn't have much in the way of muscles, but you don't seem to finish the sentence and say why =P

Aside from that, it's a good appearance, albeit a little scant and short. I suppose there's not much that could be asked of it beyond a smidge more detail, though not everyone is a detailaholic like I am. Still, perhaps a few more sentences?

Personality: I'm not sure that losing control of your emotions on a regular basis is necessarily dancing with the Dark Side. Jedi are human, after all... well, sentient rather. Point being, this point could use a little more elaboration. Is this to say that he simply gets moody? Does he lash out? Is he unpredictable in the sense that one can't tell if he's friend or foe if he's like this? I'm just not sure what exactly you mean; is he currently walking the edge between the light and the dark, or does he simply have problems with them both like most other Jedi?

Also, and this is a knit-pick, if he's only friendly with SOME of the other Jedi, what about the rest? Is he social? Is he introverted? Details, good sir!

Birth-Place through Saber and Color: No problems here captain. We sail on.

Saber Forms: At the age of 22 and considering his apparent focus on fighting, it seems to me like he would have mastered Shii-Cho by this point, especially since he's already moving on his Trials. Padawans need to master Shii-Cho before Knighthood, so I'd say he already has that base covered. With that said, that Ataru seems a SMIDGE too high to me, especially considering that the bio says he's only started studying it recently. Perhaps if it was woven into his padawanship a bit you could get a 2 comfortabley, but that 3 would imply that he has it more than half mastered by this point, and that seems a bit high for me personally. I would recommend building it into the bio more if you want a 2, or simply making it a 1 if you wish to have him start studying it only recently.

Force-Sensitive Abilities: These look fine to me. Movin' on.

Attributes: I think it's worth mentioning here that 5 is usually the human average for these, and at age 22 I would expect him to be doing pretty well physically. You never mention him being out of shape, per se, so I would recommend, unless he has some sort of physical ailment, that you take a look at other Knights and padawans of the same age and see what you can get away with

And then we come to the juiciest, most delicious part of any app;

ZE BIO!!! We shall split it up by your sections, jah? Jah.

Birth through Eighteen: Why exactly did his parents send him off to the Temple? His parents thought it better "instead of" him staying with them; why so?

You gloss over his Younglingship in literally a few sentences when I'd say it deserves at least a good paragraph. Why didn't he go to classes? What were his friends like? Was he truly unmotivated?

As a personal opinion, I question his master telling Bax that the Force could be used as a weapon. Don't get me wrong, it can be, but generally speaking the beliefs of the Jedi are more inclined to see using the Force as a tool when manipulating it at all. Force-weapon mentalities more align with Sith, so I'm wondering why Master Zelak here is agreeing to teach Bax about it when the padawan still doesn't quite understand it. It's more a desire for clarification than something that needs changing; what is Zelak thinking? Furthermore, what were some of these "differences" he had with Bax?

Creating a lightsaber is a very important part of any padawan's life, and even for the master too. With that said, I'd appreciate a little more on how Bax was feeling here. Was he scared at all? Excited? Did he find his crystal in seconds? Hours? DAYS? Again, I'm being a detail-nut xD

So Bax matures (I'm assuming that's what the change is). The thing is, we never really knew what these problems were to start with, so we don't really know how he's changed now that they've ironed them out. Furthermore, how has he changed? Has he mellowed?

Eighteen to Twenty-Two: So they start training for the Trials right after they return to the Temple? How long is Bax at this point, exactly? Because most Jedi don't begin their Trials prior to age eighteen. That would make the construction of his saber kind of late in his padawanship, which is. again, sort of vague as to why that might be.

You never really mention Force-powers before now aside from the whole "Force as a weapon thing". Were they constantly training these? Were they focused on saber combat? Also, is his "not standing a chance" to say that he failed his Trial of Skill?

But overall, a good, sturdy bio. Nice work =P

Oh, and last but not least, RP Sample: It's good, but perhaps a smidge short. Again, that's me being a detail-addict, so I'll leave it for Dutch.

B'yeah, that's all I've got. If a red or green name rolls in and says everything I just said is dead wrong, then everything I just said is dead wrong. Good luck, fair Archer! Thanks for the awesome app.

[Dutch]

Still working on this?

[Dutch]

Moved to Incomplete