Teslar Lightkiller

[Teslar Lightkiller]

Name:Teslar Lightkiller
Race: Barabel
Age: 16
Height:6ft 2in
Weight:190
Appearance: His scales are a dark blue and he wears black clothing.
Personality: Teslar is cunning always watching from the shadows finding peoples weaknesses and how to turn them to do his bidding.
Birth place: A cave on Barab 1.

Faction: Sith
Rank: Initiate

Previous Faction: Dark Jedi
Previous Rank: Acolyte

Lightsaber: The hilt is thin and slightly curved made of a black metal. The crystals are black with the exception of one which is purple. It is dual-phase lightsaber.
Color: a dark purple

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 2
Makashi
Soresu
Ataru 1
Shien / Djem So
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 3
Body: 5
Sense: 4
Protection: 1
Healing: 1
Destruction: 6

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 6
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 5
Leadership: 3

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons: 5
Ranged Weapons: 2

Bio:As a child Teslar's fathers forced him and his brother to hunt but only
with their claws and teeth until they could kill larger animals then
them. At the age of 11 his brother was killed by a Durgolosk the only
evidence of his brother was a white crystal which grew in his egg with
him, Teslar also has one which is purple the crystals resemble focus
crystals used in lightsabers.Teslar was 14 and was hunting in the forbidden zone because his powers
made him able to hide and kill easily. When he was stalking his prey he
saw a beam of light so he went to investigate. He found a figure
standing over the corpse a Durgolosk holding a lightsaber. The figure
turned around and said as he threw his hood back "You want to know how I
did that don't you? Well I could train you, you have the power." Teslar
said back to the Zabrak "How do you know of my powers I have told no
one!" "I can sense it. Like I said I could train you in the ways of the
force and how to make one of these," he said holding up the lightsaber.
"Teach me to make and wield one of those." Teslar said pointing to the
lightsaber. "Yes I will and I will teach you to wield the force like no
other. By the way the name is Magnaous." Teslar then went on to train with Magnaous and while he was creating two crystals for his lightsaber his master was killed. On his home world of Barabel I Teslar is
known as Lightkiller which he got for tearing open the throats of 2 jedi
padawans as they awoke because they had disturbed the Durgolosk which
killed his brother. When Teslar was 16 he found the Durgolosk that ate
his brother, in a rage he attempted to kill it with his weapon after it
was broken he used his skill of hunting unarmed to tear the beating
heart out of the Durgolosk. Because of this he is highly respected on
his homeworld. He then used the money from the kill to gain passage off
world.

RP Sample:Teslar was 14 and was hunting in the forbidden zone because his powers made him able to hide and kill easily. When he was stalking his prey he saw a beam of light so he went to investigate. He found a figure standing over the corpse a Durgolosk holding a lightsaber. The figure turned around and said as he threw his hood back "You want to know how I did that don't you? Well I could train you, you have the power." Teslar said back to the Zabrak "How do you know of my powers I have told no one!" "I can sense it. Like I said I could train you in the ways of the force and how to make one of these," he said holding up the lightsaber. "Teach me to make and wield one of those." Teslar said pointing to the lightsaber. "Yes I will and I will teach you to wield the force like no other. By the way the name is Magnaous."

[Faeruy]

Is this bio complete? Or is it still being worked on?

[Teslar Lightkiller]

I will be adding to it as he goes through missions sorry i should have put that.

[Faeruy]

But my question is, is it ready for a review or are you still working on it? You can't actually go on any missions until your character is approved.

[Teslar Lightkiller]

Oh forgot yes its ready for review.

[Faeruy]

Hi Teslar, and welcome to SWU. I'll be doing your review today. Now just a note; I am not a mod, I don't have final approval on anything, but I do have a good idea of what mods are looking for. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me or one of the staff.

Appearance: His scales are a dark blue and he wears black clothing.

This is way too short. Please read other accepted bios to get an idea of what we're looking for. We need at least one or two good solid paragraphs about how another person would see him

Personality: Teslar is cunning always watching from the shadows finding peoples weaknesses and how to turn them to do his bidding.

This is also far too short Please read other accepted bios to get an idea of what we're looking for. Also, please read the Dark JEDI/SITH notes


Faction: Sith
Rank: Initiate

Previous Faction: Dark Jedi
Previous Rank: Acolyte

Lightsaber: The hilt is thin and slightly curved made of a black metal. The crystals are black with the exception of one which is purple. It is dual-phase lightsaber.
Color: a dark purple

First of all, I doubt that he would have a lightsaber of his own with so little training. He'd have a training saber at best. Secondly, Black is not allowed. I know technically it's dark purple, but you're skirting the line by having black crystals at all. Please read Guide to Forbidden Aspects

Shii-Cho 2
Makashi 
Soresu 
Ataru 1
Shien / Djem So
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman 
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo 
Double Bladed Combat

He's had two years of training; while it may be possible he has 2 points in Shii-Cho (I'm not a mod, that's not up to me) I find it very unlikely he would train in another form when he's nowhere near mastering Shii-Cho. I would drop the point in Ataru. It's possible a mod would ask you to drop a second point in Shii-Cho as well, but I'm willing to let them make that decision.

Telekinetic: 5
Telepathic: 3
Body: 5
Sense: 4
Protection: 1
Healing: 1
Destruction: 6

I think there are too many points here. He's only got two years of training. I would knock out the protection and healing completely, and probably knock everything else down by a point as well.

Physical Strength: 6
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 5
Leadership: 3

Unarmed: 6
Melee Weapons: 5
Ranged Weapons: 2

These look okay given his age. Unarmed makes sense, given what I've seen in the bio, but you've given no indication that he's trained in either melee weapons or ranged weapons. Remember – Lightsaber combat is not Melee weapon combat – it refers to vibroblades, knives, and the like. You talk specifically about him only hunting with claws and teeth – where did he learn to use the other things.

Bio:
On the whole – this thing is way too short. Please read other accepted bios to get an idea of what we're looking for.

At the age of 11 his brother was killed by a Durgolosk the only 
evidence of his brother was a white crystal which grew in his egg with 
him, Teslar also has one which is purple the crystals resemble focus 
crystals used in lightsabers.

Wait, are you saying that not only do Barabels produce babies, but they produce crystals with their babies? Are Barabel eggs like oysters? I don't see anything like that in the wookiepedia. If I'm wrong and their biology does state that eggs produce babies and crystals, then by all means keep it. Otherwise take it out, right now.

Teslar was 14 and was hunting in the forbidden zone because his powers 
made him able to hide and kill easily.

Remember at this point he's untrained; Being Force-sensitive is helpful, but being untrained will only take a person so far.

The figure 
turned around and said as he threw his hood back "You want to know how I
did that don't you? Well I could train you, you have the power." Teslar
said back to the Zabrak "How do you know of my powers I have told no 
one!" "I can sense it. Like I said I could train you in the ways of the 
force and how to make one of these," he said holding up the lightsaber. 
"Teach me to make and wield one of those." Teslar said pointing to the 
lightsaber. "Yes I will and I will teach you to wield the force like no 
other. By the way the name is Magnaous."

Dialogue isn't really acceptable in the bios themselves. It's mostly used as filler, and really doesn't add much to the story.

Teslar then went on to train with Magnaous and while he was creating two crystals for his lightsaber his master was killed. On his home world of Barabel I Teslar is 
known as Lightkiller which he got for tearing open the throats of 2 jedi
padawans as they awoke because they had disturbed the Durgolosk which 
killed his brother.

So he just started training, his master allowed him to make a lightsaber, and now he has nobody to train him? And while he's still undertrained, he kills two sleeping Jedi Padawan? Who somehow disturbed a Durgolosk in their sleep? It makes no sense.

When Teslar was 16 he found the Durgolosk that ate 
his brother, in a rage he attempted to kill it with his weapon after it 
was broken he used his skill of hunting unarmed to tear the beating 
heart out of the Durgolosk. Because of this he is highly respected on 
his homeworld. He then used the money from the kill to gain passage off 
world.

So his lightsaber broke? Also, his planet is kind of backwards. How exactly did he get off planet? And you mention above that he's a Sith Initiate. How did he hear about them?

Actually, on the whole, there's a lot of questions, because there's just not enough biography here. We need to hear about his early life, growing up on a backwards world, what it was like growing up Force Senstive, what his relationship with his family, his warren was. We need to hear more about his training, about his relationship to his master, about his use of the Dark Side. More details, paint a better picture of this guy. Please read accepted profiles, preferrably of people his age, and especially other Sith Initiates to see what we're looking for.

RP Sample:

Teslar was 14 and was hunting in the forbidden zone because his powers made him able to hide and kill easily. When he was stalking his prey he saw a beam of light so he went to investigate. He found a figure standing over the corpse a Durgolosk holding a lightsaber. The figure turned around and said as he threw his hood back "You want to know how I did that don't you? Well I could train you, you have the power." Teslar said back to the Zabrak "How do you know of my powers I have told no one!" "I can sense it. Like I said I could train you in the ways of the force and how to make one of these," he said holding up the lightsaber. "Teach me to make and wield one of those." Teslar said pointing to the lightsaber. "Yes I will and I will teach you to wield the force like no other. By the way the name is Magnaous."

This is in your bio. You can't seriously think that just repeating something that's in your bio is acceptable, can you? It's lazy to the extreme. We need to see how you would RP him as he is now, like you would set up for the start of a thread.

[Dutch]

Moved to Incomplete