Daesha Xiann Hol

[daeshaxiann]

Name: Daesha Xiann Hol
Race: Twi'lek
Age:  19
Height: 5ft 10ins
Weight: 186lbs
Appearance:
A tall, vibrant-green female Twi’lek with shapely features. She’s a little heavier than a lot of females, but it’s more of a status symbol than a real problem. However, her left lek is a little smaller than her right, and this makes her very self conscious. The only persons who would really notice (or care) are Twi’leks looking for mating or matchmaking details. She typically wears non-restrictive head-dresses to detract from her lopsided-lekku, but also to glorify the shape of her head.

Her non-uniform clothing is usually loose around the hips and legs and tight in the stomach and bust, drawing attention to the “right places”. She tends to favor darker and earthier colors as opposed to the brightness of the average Twi’lek maiden. She feels it not only compliments her skin, but appears more mature and dignified.

Her stride consists of small, rapid steps that give her the appearance of floating when wearing long robes or skirts. She keeps an upright posture with her hands folded in front of her, except while unconciously touching her smaller lek.  Running is really more like leaping with wide gait and weight balanced on the balls of her feet, making her look like a young deer.

Personality:
Living on the verge of “Spoiled” and “grateful”, Daesha Xiann has experienced all Ryloth has to offer, as well as a few other planets. Her father’s success as an ambassador has given her a lot of privileges and opportunities that many of her peers will never have, and she’s always been aware of that, even a little excited by it. She’s tasted foods, read books and met people that others on her planet may never experience.

She is the second oldest of three siblings; an older brother and a younger sister. This has always made her more competitive and influenced her to stand out by being well-educated and charming. When she discovered that one of her lekku was smaller than the other, it crippled her confidence forever, but also inspired her to draw attention away from them with her speech rather than their gesticulation.
Although she tries to maintain her “regal” composure, she does tend to loose her temper much faster than her species might normally do. However, her father is also quick to become aggressive, so it may be something genetic. She and he both have a great deal of Twi’lek pride, and the short comings of their people are a touchy subject for them.

Birth place:
Ryloth
Faction:  Sith 
Rank: Initiate 

Previous Faction:
Previous Rank: 

Lightsaber: 
Color: 

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
Shii-Cho: 1

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 2
Body: 0
Sense: 1
Protection: 0
Healing: 1
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills: None

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence:         6
Speed:                 4
Leadership:          5

Unarmed: 3
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 1 

Bio:
Daesha Xiann Hol was born to Ambassador Dinek Jela Hol and his second mate Nawara Hee, who died after birthing Daesha Xiann’s younger sister. His first mate birthed her older brother, Jela Kohn and then was sold out of marriage because she developed a dry caugh and had to leave Ryloth’s inhospitable climate. She left Jela Kohn with Nawara Hee, who'd just discovered she was pregnant with Daesha Xiann.  The two were to be raised together.

Dinek Jela Hol was made an ambassador to the Empire only eight months ago, but it has already caused drastic changes for his planet and his family. For better or for worse, his representation of Ryloth has brought the dusty little planet to the attention of the advancing galactic super power. It meant more trade and commerce for Twi’lek peoples, but not everyone was looking forward to being affiliated with the expanding Imperial force. This faction included his son Jela Kohn, who left Ryloth (presumable to join the resistance) and was thence forth considered dead to his family. No one has heard from him since his departure and probably wouldn't have him if he ever returned.

A few weeks after Jela Kohn disappeared, the Ambassador claimed Daesha Xiann as his “oldest” and groomed her to take part in the activities of the Aristocracy, educating her in matters of state, culture and the Imperial passion for conquest.  He taught her all he knew of the Force and its users, though the only group he knew enough of to form a lecture were the Jedi.  He introduced her to the idea that the Force was in everything and everyone, but only those who could sense it could use it.

But this idea was not entirely unknown to Daesha Xiann.  For many years, she had felt a kind of vibration in the universe, something much bigger than Ryloth.  A slow, steady ripple of energy that spread like spilled milk over everything and seeped through.  She finally had a name to put with the feeling, and that name was The Force.

Only two months after that conversation, a stranger appeared on Ryloth for a very short stay. Daesha Xiann and her sister were meant to greet him with a gift and invite him to stay with them. The man knew better than to decline either while on the planet, but wasn’t very talkative about who he was or where he’d come from. While in their home, he remained in his room and took few meals, which everyone in the household felt very offended by.  All except Daesha Xiann.

She could sense something different in the cosmic vibration of The Force in his arrival.  Rather than that slow lapping movement she'd become accustomed to, the ripples became harder, sharper and more rapid.  They beat at her spirit and worked it into a frenzy of curiosity that couldn't be ignored.  

Finally, it fell to Daesha Xiann to go and ask him "what his problem was." But Daesha Xiann saw this as a learning oppertunity rather than a confrontation When she approached his door and prepared to knock, she heard him speak from behind the door. He seemed to know who she was and why she’d come before she could even open the door. This furthered her curiosity. When she refused to leave until he explained himself, the man told her that it was something he learned from his father and that she was more than capable of doing it as well, with the right teachings.

"Are you a Jedi?" She asked reverently. 

"I was," his answer was sullen. "back when that meant something."

Although she'd seen a few humans in her time and could guage their ages similarly to those in Twi'lek years, this man looked much older than he did a day ago.  Something in his eyes and face made her very aware that he'd seen great and terrible things.

She asked him to teach her, but he insisted that it was not his place to do so, and especially not there and now. He told her if she wanted knowledge, she must seek it out for herself. Although frustrated, she conceded and asked at least where she might begin her search. The man gestured vaguely to the out-stretched galaxy. A finger fell to a star, or perhaps a bright planet, that was so far out it was barely viable.  

"If you think you can leave this world behind you, I will guide you to the starting point of a long and perilous journey,.  That is all I can do for you."

Although it would mean leaving her father and sister, along with the only world she knew, there was something inspiring about this journey.  It was an experience she could not allow her heart to pass up.  Her father might be reminded of his first son's abandonment, although he might think to disown her, she was undertaking this adventure out of spite.  But rather for self-discovery and understanding the mysteries of her place in the universe.
RP Sample:

The sky had grown impossibley dark, as though all light had been extinguished.  It was nothing new for the desert planet.  Once the light abandoned the horizon, the predators prowled the dunes in search of food.  But there was something about the flames of the hearth that made the darkness seem all the more powerful. 

Daesha Xiann wanted to reach out and touch it, to see if it was solid or liquid.  Although she knew in her logical mind that it was a stupid thought, something in her fancies told her it was a delicious liquor.  Something she could drink and be relieved from the oppressive heat of her beloved home world. Although she loved Ryloth deeply, it had offered her all it could.  The planet was an empty bread basket and she was starving.

"That stranger from before," Her sister asked in their native tongue from over her shoulder.  "Has he upset you?  You have been very distracted since that man came."  

"It is not upset that I am." Daesha Xiann explained.  "It is inspired.  I must try and follow him."

"Are you stupid?" The girl demanded. "Have you eaten the black mold?  You know nothing of him! You know nothing of the universe! Why? Why would you do this to us? To me? To Father?" She became incensed.  "Do you want him to disown you too?  Don't you think one great shame on our family is good enough?"

"Who said that I would be shameful?" Daesha Xiann roared, standing and facing her sister.  "You make all these assumptions; that I will be something pitiable or that I won't find my path.  You forget that I am more educated and much older than you!  You forget thinking before speaking is what makes you a lady!  Shut your mouth and keep yourself calm."  With that, she turned on her heel and gluided to her bed chambers.  She wasn't sure when the man would depart, but she would have to sleep only briefly to try and at least catch him.
 



.

[Dutch]

Be sure to read the section notes/ check previously approved characters to get what an application should look like.

[daeshaxiann]

I followed the character setup template. What should I change?

[Squee]

The application isn't quite set up in the SWU Sith application format.

It can be found here in the code box:

CLICK ME FOR APPLICATION

You should be able to copy and paste the application, and then copy/paste the information you already have accordingly.

Thanks!

~ Squee

[daeshaxiann]

Alright, I found the mistake I made and corrected it. I didn't see the coded section and just followed the upper portion. Hopefully this works better than what I had.

[Faeruy]

Sorry, it's taken a bit, Let's get this review started shall we?


Appearance: 
Looks pretty good to me. I would possibly suggest adding a little bit more about things like the way she moves, or how other people percieve her. Does she look intimidating, or do people tend to think's she pretty non-threatening? It just helps to give a more rounded picture of her. The stuff you do have is great.

Personality: 
I like what you've got here in terms of personality. She feels well rounded, and interesting.

Previous Faction: N/A
Previous Rank: N/A

She's a Sith Initiate, and she's 23. Does she truly have no previous faction and rank? What did she do before she became a Sith Initiate?



Bio:

Okay, I'm gonna say right off the bat, we're going to need more in terms of her bio. The more details you put in there the better. Details of her early life, her relationships with family and friends, what it was like growing up Force Sensitive, how she was raised, that kind of thing. I recommend reading bios of similarily aged Sith Initiates to see what kind of things we're looking for. What you have seems okay so far, it's just very bare bones, and doesn't tell us enough about Daesha.

However, not long ago, a stranger appeared on Ryloth for a very short stay.

How long ago? How old was she? Be specific.

It finally fell to Daesha Xiann to go and ask him what his problem was with cultivated fungus and mold, but perhaps in nicer words than those.

I don't understand what you're trying to say here.

He seemed to know who she was and why she’d come before she could tell him herself. This aroused her curiosity and suspicion. When she refused to leave until he explained the “magic trick” to her, the man explained that it was something he learned from his father and that she was more than capable of doing it as well, with the right teachings. 

Okay...he's been staying in their house. Why is she surprised that he knows her name? And figuring out why his host has come to visit doesn't seem like much of a magic trick – just simple deduction that she's trying to be a good host. Also, I find it difficult to believe that an adult woman, and one trained as an Ambassador, would have no knowledge of Force Users and Jedi. I can believe that she's never met/been pegged as being Force Sensitive before, but Jedi aren't exactly unheard of in this time period.

She asked him to teach her, but he insisted that it was not his place to do so, and especially not there and now. He told her if she wanted knowledge, she must seek it out for herself. Although frustrated, she conceded and asked at least where she might begin her search. The man gestured vaguely to the out-stretched galaxy, and then pushed her out of the room. 

If she's a Sith Initiate, then the bio can't stop here. We need to know how where she went, how she found out about the Sith, and if/how she got any training whatsoever.

Lightsaber: short, single blade
Color:  purple

She's only an Initiate – with no previous faction or rank, she would not have a lightsaber of her own yet.

Practiced Lightsaber forms:
Shii-Cho

This needs a number value. 1 is just starting, 5 is mastery. Although given that she has no training, I suppose a zero works.

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 3
Telepathic: 3
Body: 1 
Sense: 2
Protection: 3
Healing: 2
Destruction: 2

Given what I've read in the bio, she has no training in the Force whatsoever – which means she should have about Civilian levels of Force Sensitivity. Unless you change things in the bio so that she DOES have some training, you should be following the Civilian rules on her abilities, which are as follows -

Remember, this is for characters just gifted and never formally trained in the Force by Jedi at the Temple. This is why you may not go over 3 when selecting your skill level; the total of your Force attributes cannot exceed 6. And remember that 3 is the max, which would equal mastery in that particular skill for that character. Without any formal training, their ability to manipulate the Force in various ways will be lesser than that of a youngling at the Temple.
Since these characters were never trained, I would expect that they would have more weak areas then strength areas. No matter which number you chose, though, it would have to be explained in the bio which ones your character is particularly good at. And don't forget to include in the bio how your character is Force sensitive and wasn't trained.

And of course, her strengths would need explanation in the bio.

Attributes: 

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence:         6
Speed:                 4
Leadership:          5

Unarmed: 3
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 1 

These all look fine.

RP Sample:

I think this is a good RP example.

Final Suggestions

The way I see it, you have a couple of options. Based on the bio you have presented thus far, I would be loath to call her a Sith Initiate – she's really more of a Force-Sensitive Civilian. I know you want her to be a Sith Initiate, so there's a couple ways we can go.

The first is that you include in the bio her finding the Sith and becoming an initiate, and starting her training. This will require a lot more writing on your part.

The second way, if you would like to RP out her finding the Sith to begin with, is to move the app to the Civilian board, and follow that app. Then, when she actually goes does become an Initate ICly,
it can be moved to the Sith board. You will need to follow the Civilian app in that case, but it means that the search for a trainer of any kind can be part of her IC storyline.

Either way, the bio needs to be longer; in additions to the reccomendation above, I recommend reading other accepted profiles, of both Sith Initiates, and Force-Sensitive Civilians. If you want specific recommendations or you have any other questions, feel free to PM me.
 

[Dutch]

NEVERMIND

[Faeruy]

Sorry it's taken me so long to get a reply back to you, but here's my second review.

Stats look better, Appearance and Personality look good, all that jazz.

Onto the Bio -

Daesha Xiann Hol was born to Ambassador Dinek Jela Hol and his second mate Nawara Hee, who died after birthing Daesha Xiann’s younger sister. His first mate birthed her older brother, Jela Kohn and then was sold out of marriage because she developed a dry caugh and had to leave Ryloth’s inhospitable climate. She left Jela Kohn with Nawara Hee, who'd just discovered she was pregnant with Daesha Xiann. The two were to be raised together.

Dinek Jela Hol was made an ambassador to the Empire only eight months ago,

and

But this idea was not entirely unknown to Daesha Xiann. For many years, she had felt a kind of vibration in the universe, something much bigger than Ryloth. A slow, steady ripple of energy that spread like spilled milk over everything and seeped through. She finally had a name to put with the feeling, and that name was The Force.

I'm sorry, there's not enough here. You have roughly one paragraph dealing with Daesha from birth to eight months ago. She's twenty three, we're going to need a lot more than that. I said earlier

Okay, I'm gonna say right off the bat, we're going to need more in terms of her bio. The more details you put in there the better. Details of her early life, her relationships with family and friends, what it was like growing up Force Sensitive, how she was raised, that kind of thing. I recommend reading bios of similarily aged Sith Initiates to see what kind of things we're looking for. What you have seems okay so far, it's just very bare bones, and doesn't tell us enough about Daesha.

And I haven't seen any progress made on that front. There has to be more details of her early life. Relationship with friends, family. Schooling, any misadventures she may have gotten into. Boyfriend, girlfriends, trouble she got into, dealings with politicians. And whatever combat training she's gotten. Please add more.

[daeshaxiann]

I cer life because an understand more details about schooling and adding a few more major events to her life, but I don't know why the smaller details are important? People aren't going to know those things upon meeting her and may not know them at all if she doesn't tell them. Having a well-formed background is one thing but from the sound of things you're looking for a full-length biography. So far, I've been putting down the basic building blocks of her life because that's all I figured a person reading this profile would actually read. It just seems like I'll write this long story and it will be looked at once, maybe twice if I'm lucky, then it'll just sit and collect dust.

Oh, and I lowered her age to 19 because I thought23 did seem a little old.

[Faeruy]

Actually we do require a pretty extensive bio here. If you read the bios of other people here especially the more recent ones, you would get an idea of what we're looking for in terms of length. You seriously underestimate our ability, and our desire to read more about the characters we RP with. We require long bios because we want to see the journey of your character, what things happened in her life to shape who she is today. The two paragraphs you've written don't cut it. We check the bio against the personality, stats, and appearance to make sure that there is a consistent, well-thought out character.

I would also like to say that creating an extensive bio helps you figure out your character. For example, right now I have no idea why she would be Sith. I have no knowledge of the forces in her life that would lead her to the Dark Side. She seems to have no goal, no drive of her own. She just seems to fall into things. Without knowing more of her early life, how do you know where her future is going? And for us, a longer bio gives us a better idea of how our own characters would fit in an RP with her.

You do not have to include everything that I've asked for about her early life. I'm just giving you a list of things that I personally am curious about and suggestions for filling out the early part of her life. Regardless, the point still stands, you cannot gloss over 18 years in two paragraphs. A good general rule of thumb, though by no means a hard and fast one, is one paragraph that covers every couple of years of life.

[daeshaxiann]

The bio is more than two paragraphs You belitle it as though I've put no effort into this at all.

I do agree that adding more of her early life might round her character off a little more, but shouldn't characters really get to know one another through play? In which case I don't think using a character bio as a means of setting up relationships is necessary. If my character met yours in a bar and told him/her a few things about herself, that would be just as much an establishment of their comparability as if you'd read a whole fan fiction, because you can't go into an rp with omniscient knowledge of that character.

I apologize for being argumentative, but your last post really set me off. I feel like I'm being condecended to because I didn't initially write a huge novella.

[Faeruy]

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be condescending, I'm trying to help you get your character accepted. I also don't like having to repeat myself. I told you the first time I reviewed that there needed to be more, and you ignored it. And I didn't say that your bio is only two paragraphs. What I'm saying is that from the ages of birth to 18, all I have to go on is those two paragraphs. Everything else happened in the last eight months.

And the other problem is that we don't like surprises in character. Because of the nature of this site, as I'm sure you're aware, it's very easy to contradict canon. If you talk about your character's past in RP, and it happens to go against the history that has been set up by the site, that can be hard to check. If you include it in the bio however, then we can catch it before it becomes an issue.

And what I'm talking about is potential. My character doesn't know anything really, but I as a writer personally like to get an idea of the character I'm RPing with, because it makes it easier to figure out potential storylines, and figure out how to keep things interesting past the initial meeting in a bar.

Look, I really am trying to help. I have been around for awhile, I've seen lots of bios, and I know what the standards are. If I give a critique, it's because the standards aren't being met, and I'm trying to tell what you need to do to fix that. So far, you've spent more time arguing with me about the standards than you are trying to meet them. I suggest taking the notes I give, and fixing the issues, or find a site who's standards meet yours.

[daeshaxiann]

I think you're right. I could try writing the bio again, but it doesn't seem as though it would be worth it. Please excuse me and I'm sorry I apologize if I've wasted any of your time.

Thank you for your help.

[Squee]

Hrm... did that mean this can get moved or did you think you might come back?

[Squee]

Moved to Incomplete.