Emma Saviha [RFR]

[xemmastarloverx]

Name: Emily Saviha

Race: Korun

Age: 11

Height: 4'10

Weight: 96lbs

Birth place: Haruun Kal

Appearance: 

Emily looks muscular for a girl,though she is muscular she looks as if she was ment for speedy things, flexibility tasks. Though she is 11 most tower over her. Her hair is black, it hangs down to her  shoulders to match her brown skin. Her eyes sky blue. 


Her clothes are the same old ones every jedi wears, tan and brown. Typical for a jedi. She also wears a brown cloak. She wears a necklace around her neck. She also wears brown boots with a black belt.

 

Personality: 

Emily is a kind warm harted person. When she was young she was shy but getting older she got over being shy when she met new people. She likes to be around people but there are times that she get shy when she doesn't know what to do next. Emily is a person to help others before helping herself.


Emily is gifted by a natural connection with the force, sensing what is around her in detail.
Sometimes when others feel down she is able to sense it almost instantly. She is driven by her emotions sometimes. But she as she got older she kept them under control. 


She seems to always have a high curiosity. One that sometimes gets her into trouble and she forgets what she is doing sometimes because of curiosity. Sometimes she gets herself into bad situations. She seems to have no control over her curiosity, it just takes her. She wishes to become a jedi healer, it fascinated her from a young age in the jedi temple. For years she couldn't stand when kids were bullies to others, she would always hear someone messing with another kid younger than thy, and it sickened her. She thrives to keep her anger at others under control. She always is letting her anger get the best of her, though after years of hard work, she started to begin to control it.

Faction: Jedi

Rank: Youngling

Lightsaber: Training Saber

Color: Blue

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 2

Makashi - N/A

Soresu - N/A

Ataru - N/A

Shien / Djem So - N/A

>>Sub-form Backhanded

Niman - N/A

>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield

Juyo - N/A

Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices: 

Telekinetic: 2

Telepathic: 2

Body: 0

Sense: 0

Protection: 2

Healing: 1

Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills: 

                                                  

Attributes: 

Physical Strength: 3

Intelligence: 3

Leadership: 2

Speed: 4

Unarmed: 1

Melee Weapons: 0

Ranged Weapons: 0

Bio: 

Start of Life.

Emily Saviha was the child of a Korun couple she was born on the planet of Karuun Kal. Her Mother  Sasti and her Father Xano were both in the same group of Koruns they both were hunters for the group.


Emily remembers little to nothing about her childhood. She knew that she had a mom and a dad with a little sister.  She remebers running into a man which she then proceed to run from the man to her house faster than she had ever run, the man followed her. Than soon enough the man was talking to her parents saying stuff like force-senstive, which she didn't know what it ment at age of 3. Then she remembers the man saying:"She will be powerful" and some other things and then her mom started crying while her dad left her with this strange man. She also remembers crying when she went to the temple. 
 
Her training as a youngling was typical. She didn't stand out much. She had some trouble making friends because of her shyness for some years but finally she got over it and turned into a girl that wanted to talk to people non-stop this happened because she talked to people more and got to know others, sometimes she nearley drived her teachers insane. She didn't show a special ability in any one part of the force as she soon found out it's real name. But she did enjoy telepathy and telekinesis at a young age because they had to do with mind control and lifting objects and many other things she though were really cool. 

Emily enjoyed working with a training saber because there were so many cool moves you can do with it, she had agility on her side so she could  bring her saber down quickly after catching her opponent off guard. She had a hard time in hand-to-hand combat normally loosing in her hand-to-hand training. Though she kept trying and finally got better at it over time of training. 


She made some friends after her "Phase" of shyness was overcome by talking to people. She made two friends one a Mirialan girl, and a Twi'lek male. The Mirialan girls' name was Nuduli Ajun
and the Twi'lek boys' name is Tevete Vyn. They trained together and they spent as much time as they could with each other hanging out with each other. When emily was 11 Nuduli was sent off with a master and it was just Tevete and Emily. They were lonesome, Tevete and emiy didn't hang out much anymore, since Tevete and Nuduli were like brother and sister he had a major breakdown for weeks. But soon he came round and they started talking but it wasn't like when Nauduli was around then soon after that Tevete was taken by a master, now it was just emily. 

RP Sample:

As Emily would enter the meditation room, seeing another initiates she would step to the seat, sitting on it making her legs criss cross. She would look to the initiates.

"Hello"


The suprised initiates jumped then opened there eyes and looked at Emily.


"Hi"

She noticed it to be Nuduli Ajun and Tevete Vyn. They were emily's dearest friends. Emily would walk in and take a seat. As Emily closed her eyes she would go into what she called the meditation mode. She was meditating on some more of the Shii-Cho she had been learning from a master. He had said.


"Draw upon the force rather than rely on it.Target Zone numbers are: 1 - head, 2 - right arm and side, 3 - left arm and side, 4 - back, 5 - right leg, 6 - left leg."

After she came to from meditation, she looked to Nuduli and Tevete. She stared into there eyes.

" Wanna go spar in the trainning rooms?"


Naduli and Tevete got up and followed emily to the training rooms. 


" Who wants to go first?" Emily asked the two. They looked between each other then Tevete finally said, " I will, I will spar you first." 


Emily spinned her saber to her side. She ignitied it up. She would think to what the master had said. She nodded down to Tevete. Waiting for him to nod back. After he did she ran to him. And spinned her saber to his left arm. She would burn it becasue she only had a training saber. 


" Ah!! " He replied to being hit with the saber. 


Tevete would send his saber up trying to hit her neck  for an early win. Emily would block the attack. Sending a hit to his abdomadem. But missing as he stepped to her side. Emily would spin around hitting Tevete in the neck. Ending the spar. 


" Good job, you are really good. Emily said to Tevete.


Emily would look over to Nuduli. Nuduli would spin her saber to her side. Emily would get in her Shii-Cho starter Stance. Emily would nod to Nuduli. Running to Nuduli she would send her saber to Nuduli's neck, but Nuduli would block it. Nuduli would send her saber to emily's leg, this would hit her causing a seer burn on her leg. Nuduli would then send a stab to emily's left arm. Emily would block up. Emily would send a jab-stab to Nuduli's leg. Nuduli would jump over it sending a slash to emilys neck, this would go in causing a burn on emily's neck. 


" Nice job, you're a opponet who puts up a fight." Nuduli would reply to emily. 


Emily would retire to her cabin while her friends retire to there's. She would fix up her burns.

She would go to bed, thinking about the day she had.

[Faeruy]

Alrighty, you don't have a WIP notice on your bio so I'm going to assume that you think it's ready for a review. If it's not, than I would make sure that you put WIP in the title to show that it's still being worked on.

First of all, it's not ready. If you want a full review, it's going to need a RP sample that's clearly marked as such. We want to see how you play this character.

Secondly, you're going to need a lot more information in her appearance, personality and bio sections - they are way too short. We like to see at least one good paragraph of each appearance and personality, and a fairly detailed bio. I recommend taking a look at other accepted profiles for guidance.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I STRONGLY recommend aging her up a great deal. A four year old Jedi is going to be stuck in the Temple for a very long time. Which means that you are going to be very limited in terms of the kinds of threads you can do and it's going to be very hard for you to find people to RP with. A four year old wouldn't have ANY lightsaber skills at this point, and her force skills would also be much, much lower than they are. I highly recommend making someone who's at least a teenager.

[xemmastarloverx]

Fixed it, I hope it's good enough.

[Swamps]

Alrighty then!



It's review time, apologies for any harshness. I try to be as cuddly as possible.

Appearance

You have the roots of a good section here but need to expand on what you have and polish it somewhat. Ideas of what to talk about: facial features, stature, bodily features, body language, clothing.

For this, and your other sections, take a look at some of these applications. They're good representatives of SWU applications. Dutch's Halcyon Price, Susan's Avanni Silas and my own Mercutio Samirello.

Also take a look at the Jedi Section Notes, they're a good overview of what's expected from a Jedi application. Another good thing to do would be to use the template on the Jedi Application page, makes the thing look a whole lot more streamlined.

Personality

The biography, as you have it, states without much beating around the bush that she was told she was the reason her parents killed themselves.

...

Yeah, that's going to mess an adult up, let alone a small child. If you're going to stick with this (which I would not recommend) please reflect this in the personality.

Apart from this, like your appearance, this has the startings of a good section but needs work.

Skills and Stats

She wouldn't have her own lightsaber yet, those are usually constructed as padawans when their master thinks they are ready.

I would say that a 3 is still quite high for a three-year old in Shii-Cho. A 5 in a lightsaber form indicates mastery and mastery of Shii-Cho is something that comes with being knighted, treat this particular score as a road to knighthood. Oh, and it's probably a good idea to keep the other lightsaber forms there on the list, even if they are 0s.

Beast Control is a particularly powerful techinique and not something an eight year old would have mastered. If you want her to be good with animals, just say she's good with animals. You could develop this into Beast Control as your character grows up but as an eight year old, that will take forever. I highly suggest upping the age to at least 11/12.

All the other stats look good, but you need to add in speed. You must have accidentally deleted it.

Biography

Right, I don't really understand this. Her parents found out they were expecting and didn't like this one bit. So instead of having an abortion, instead of the father leaving the mother, instead of leaving the kid in some godforsaken alleyway they wait until after she is born and both commit suicide.

Now I'm not sure if I'm missing something crucial here but this doesn't make sense to me. What makes less sense to me is why the Jedi or the orphanage would tell her this if it was true. The poor girl would be torn apart with the guilt and the sorrow and the confusion.

The rest is great but could use some serious expansion and general polishing. Again, check the exemplar applications I've popped up top. Some more information on her friend perhaps?

RP Sample

A little shorter than what we're used to, check the links I provided up top for an example. You should be able to garner some tips on what you're RP sample should like from there.

Another point though, this is a sample of what your in-thread writing will look like so please write in the present tense and feel free to delve into the thoughts and more subtle actions of the girls as they talk or whatever.

Suggestions

1. Have a close read of the section notes and skim the various sections in the exemplar apps I provided.
2. Expand on everything. Don't just add extraneous stuffamajigs however, think it through. I always find that a good ol' bullet point list or a mind map helps me clear my mind and get a good idea of what the character is and what they could be. A first draft is never your last.
3. Sort out the whole parental suicide thing. I'm not saying you should burn it all but think it through, refine it and make sure it makes sense.
4. Perhaps age her up to 11 or 12, it will RP a lot more interesting. You can have some fun with her as a youngling and then it's not too long until she gets a master.
5. Go ahead and remove Beast Control. Also take a look at your Shii-Cho stats.

Right, that's all for today! If you have any questions feel free to PM me or hit me up on Skype (just click my profile and my username should be there). Good luck out there!

[Adobi-Wan Kenobi]

Real quick. the picture is a canon character's pic, i'm pretty sure that's gunna hafta go.

[xemmastarloverx]

BUMP

Fixed up

Ready for Review

[Faeruy]

Sorry it's taken so long, it's been a busy week for a lot of us, but I decided to give you a second review.

To be honest; you really need to reread Swampy's review. There's a lot of stuff you've missed from his original review, but I'll go ahead and point some things out for you.

First of all, you need to make sure the formatting is correct, right now everything is centered and it shouldn't be.

Age: 11
Height: 5'3
Weight: 120lbs

That's really tall and heavy for an eleven-year old girl. Not completely unheard of course, but for a girl who may or may not have started puberty it is on the unusual side.

Appearance:

Emma has warm cuddly features. Her hair goes all the way to half of her back. Her eyes are sky blue. She has a big smile nearley always.

Emma's clothes are nearley always the same washed clothes everday, A brown shirt with black stripes to match her brown skin with black stripes. Her bottoms are the same as her tops brown pants with black stripes.

This is too short. Please read other accepted bios to get an idea of what we are looking for. Describe her as if we can't see her. Which we can't, since there is no picture. What color is her hair? How is it styled usually? Does she have any notable features? What is her body type? How does she move? What is her posture normally like?

Also "Warm and cuddly" isn't actually very descriptive. "Cuddly" makes me think she's chubby. Also, Koruns do NOT have striped skin. They are not Cathar. They generally have dark brown skin, but you could go into more detail about the exact shade. Also remember that she's a Jedi youngling, and that they have a specific uniform - brown/tan. Not brown with black stripes.

Personality:

Emma is a warm cuddly person, she has many friends. She is a humorus person. She likes to listen to tales that the adults tell to her about other koruns that became mighty jedis. She also likes to make up stories about brave jedi knights fighting evil space pirates. As Emma says when she and other kids fight, ' I am your friend not you enemy.'

This is also too short. Please read other accepted profiles to get a sense of what we are looking for. What are her likes and dislikes. What are her strengths and weaknesses? What is she passionate about? What do people think about her when they first meet her? Also, Korun and Jedi should both be capitalized.

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 2

Please list all of the other forms, even though their stats would be zero.

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 2
Body: 1
Sense: 1
Protection: 2
Healing: 3
Destruction: 0

There are too many points in different areas here. Jedi tend to be highly specialized creatures, and you have points in every category except destruction. I would start by removing the points in both Body and Sense.

Specialized Skills:
Animal Friendship/Beast Control

She is too young to have a specialized Force skill like Beast Control. You can put "Good with Animals" but Beast Control must be removed.

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 2
Intelligence: 3
Leadership: 3

You seem to have accidentally deleted Speed. Please put it back.

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 0
Ranged Weapons: 2

She is a Jedi youngling and has been for some time; there is no reason for her to have points in any of these categories. If she does, you need to explain that better in her bio. Otherwise, these should all be zero.

Bio:

Emma Saviha was the child of a Korun couple she was born on the planet of Karuun Kal. Her Mother Sasti and her Father Xano were both in the same group of Koruns they both were hunters for the group they taught there daughter the four pillars of being a korun, Honor,Duty,Family, and Herd. Honor, means obligation to yourself and act with integrity. Duty, means obligation to others. Stand by your Ghôsh (Group). Faimly, means to surrounded one's family. Herd, for it is on the grasser herds that the life of the ghôsh depends.

Emma already knew she was force-sensitive, as all koruns were force-sensitive. Though she ahd to find out how she was force-senstive wether she would run faster or jumped a bit higher she didn't know. But one day she found out when she was running from a group of kids while they were playing tag she ran faster than she ever could, thats when she found her force-sensitivity.


For the first few weeks Emma really never got along with anyone until about the second month she was talking to some girls and they got along so they became friends. They were Harala Tru and Misla Buun, they were Emma's best friends she had many other friends to but Harala and Misla were her best. The girls did everything together meditating, training anything you can think of they did together.

A short few years later when Emma was 11 Harala and Misla were picked by masters to be a padawan, though Emma had a few years to be picked she still wondered if she would ever be picked.

This is far too short still. I want to know more about her becoming a Jedi. How old was she? How did the Jedi find her and why did her parents allow her to become a Jedi? What sort of training did she do? What did she enjoy about training? What were some of the things she struggled with? This is the part where we see her personality, and where her skills/stats get justified, and right now, I'm not seeing any of that.I recommend looking over other accepted bios.

Final Suggestions
- Check over your spelling and grammar; right now both are messy, and just double checking it will go a long way to make your profile look better.
-Expand on ALL of the sections
- Add back in Speed
- Remove Beast Control
- Take points out of the Force abilities and Combat Skills.
-Make sure your formatting is correct.
- I reccommed specifically reading the profiles of both Emmi Daneb and
Kalen D'razk As they are characters who are also padawans/younglings who aren't much older than your's so you can get a good idea of what we are looking for in terms of stat levels and detail.
Please feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns, or any mod/staff you feel comfortable doing so with.

[xemmastarloverx]

Updated a few things.

[Vroxen]

Physical Strength: 2

Intelligence: 3

Leadership: 3

Speed

Need a speed stat.

Emma Saviha was the child of a Korun couple

She is half human, consider changing her to full Korun or you might have to explain how the mother was integrated into a tribe. If the tribes in star wars are much like the ones here on earth.... most of them are not so friendly to outsiders.

Honor, means obligation to yourself and act with integrity. Duty, means obligation to others. Stand by your Ghôsh (Group). Faimly, means to surrounded one's family. Herd, for it is on the grasser herds that the life of the ghôsh depends.

Honestly unless your going to expand on how these things helped or effected her during her life then you may as well get rid of them. Expand on what her family life was like, was the time happy or sad? did the parents have a large role in the herd or were they just average members? did she have any friends?

She remebers running into a man who apperently was a jedi who possibly felt her force-sensitviety through the force. Than soon enough the man was talking to her parents saying stuff like force-senstive, which she didn't know what it ment at age of 3

.

Okay. Instead of saying she apparently ran into this guy who was a jedi who just happened to be walking around the territories of a Korun herd, maybe he had a diplomatic mission there, or he had been sent word by one of your parents to come and have a look at you?

Secondly I doubt he would of been able to sense the force-sensitivity. At this age the child would be showing small things like quicker reflexes.
"You must have Jedi reflexes if you race pods" - Qui-Gon Jinn said yet he couldn't sense the force on a child who was born via midi-chlorians and had to preform a blood test.

shyness for some years but finally she got over it and turned into a girl that wanted to talk to people non-stop

So she came out of her shell quite far then? Why? What were the things that she experienced to change her personality so drastically? These things that shape your character are important, try not to breeze past them.

But she did enjoy telepathy and telekinesis at a young age.

Why?

Emily enjoyed working with a training saber

Why?

Though she tried to get better at hand-to-hand it wasn't gonna happen.

Why was she not going to get better? Was it a physical strength issue? A lot of martial arts from my knowledge work on the using of your opponents weak areas or causing excruciating pain through twisting the wrist back for example.





Okay so that is my "Opinion" on what you should change. I noticed you'd been waiting for a while so I decided I will try and help you. Bare in mind, Dutch will have the final say, and my ask you to change what I have said.

Good luck with your app.

[xemmastarloverx]

Thanks, updated what I thought was needed, Mostly all of it was . If anything else is wrong just lemme know.

[xemmastarloverx]

Thanks, updated what I thought was needed, Mostly all of it was . If anything else is wrong just lemme know.

[Faeruy]

I'm gonna say this again - right now everything is centered. It should NOT be centered. Please format correctly.


Also, this won't necessarily affect your acceptance, but there are a LOT of spelling errors throughout. It has the effect of making the profile look rushed and sloppy. I highly recommend reviewing your profile slowly, even reading it aloud to yourself and try to fix the mistakes that you see. Again, it won't necessarily affect your acceptance, but in my experience, people are more willing to RP with those who appear to at least make an effort at proper spelling.

Personality:
I still don't feel like I'm getting enough of her personality in this. Here's a question. What drives her? What motivates her? What are her goals/wishes/dreams? Also, think about this; what is it about herself that prevents her from reaching her goals? What frustrates her, what does she struggle with? What are her likes and dislikes? If you can answer these questions, I think you'll have a much better idea of who this character is, and what makes her interesting.

I will also mention because you've spelled it incorrectly four times in the same paragraph - it's "curiosity" not "curosity"


Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 3

This 3 is too high for an 11 year old. Knock it down a point.

Physical Strength: 2
Intelligence: 3
Leadership: 3
Speed: 2

This makes no sense. You talk in both the appearance the bio about how fast she is, but 2 is REALLY slow. I'd put her at least at a three or four, and I would knock leadership down to 1 or 2, given that she's 11 and from what I've seen in the bio, she's really more of a follower than a leader.

Unarmed: 0
Melee Weapons: 0
Ranged Weapons: 0

Okay, you mention hand-to-hand training in the bio, which mean she should have at least a 1 in Unarmed combat, even if she's not very good.



Bio:

Okay, is she "Emma", or "Emily"? In both the Bio and the RP Sample you change it about halfway through. Please keep it consistent.

[Rugs]

Ready for another look, emma?

[xemmastarloverx]

Si, lets give her a try.

[Fromikeable]

Damn. I should have edited in an afro to Lurch. Ah well. I'm here, I'm mere, get used to it!

That's how we say hello in the asylum. On to the review, a-what!?

Right off the bat, and I know that she is 11 still, but she's a tad underweight for a human gal of 4'10". I'm not going to nit-pick it, but generally speaking the safe zone for that height for females is anywhere between 102 and 131. Considering the age and relatively small residual however, I'mma let it slide.

Appearance: What game is that pic from? Looks familiar.

For the most part this is good, but I'm not quite sure what you mean by "she looks like she was built for speedy things." She has strong legs? She's limber? She can fold herself into a pretzel? It's not that I don't get the concept, but I don't get it exactly. A smidge of clarification would appreciated. In general I like a bit more detail than that, but it communicates the basics. Just try and make sure that the appearance can hold itself together without the picture; I should be able to roughly imagine that face and her general disposition just by reading.

Personality: You call being 11 old? Dude, I'd kill to be that age again

So a couple things. First off, there isn't a whole lot of bullying in the sense that we know it among younglings. I'm sure there's some, of course; there's no way you can put a group of adolescents together without a couple not liking one another. But at that age, they're learning the Jedi basics; the Code, the Force, all that cool hippy garbage philosophical theory. What I'm getting at is that there's probably not any bullies, and even if there are there's no way in hell that the Jedi instructors are letting them treat their fellow younglings like that.

Beyond that, the personality is a bit too general. There's a lot it doesn't tell us; what does she like? Why does she help people? Why is she so curious? Why is she fascinated with healers? I'm not asking for a full psychoanalytical profile here, but it could do with some fleshing out. In general, I want to know what makes her smile, cry, yell, laugh, and think. Cover those basics and you should be good.

Stats through Attributes: Your Force stats and Saber stats are impeccable. Nice work =P

I'm not sure "good with animals" counts as a specialized skill. Specialized Skills refer to those skills not found in the average person. The vast majority of the galaxy doesn't know how to hack a computer, for instance, while I'm sure a fair slice could make just such a claim. This would be something more to do with her personality *nudge, nudge*.

Your attributes also look pretty decent for an 11 year-old. Just remember that a 1 in anything essentially means that if the attribute was breathing, they'd be dead in seconds

And thus we come to the most lovely all things application... ze Bio!

So the first issue we face is that she's on Haruun Kal, which isn't a Republic planet. That means that there are no midichlorian checks at birth (and indeed, I suspect, few hospitals on the planet to begin with). That means that if young Emily here is to be recruited, that Jedi talking to her folks needs to be there for a reason. Furthermore, he needs a reason to take her specifically; all Korun are Force-sensitive, so why pick here especially? And PLEASE don't use, "Well he saw her lift a house with the Force and was like 'Hey, that's neat'." She's 3; she won't be using the Force in any sort of immediately noticeable capacity in the first place until she's into her teens.

Also, just because she doesn't remember her childhood doesn't mean we shouldn't either. Describe her folks a little, and life on Haruun Kal. She won't have to remember it IC if you don't want her to (not that anyone remembers stuff so early in life much at all), but a bit of background would be nice.

You glance over her training a bit, which while understandable, could again use a bit more explanation. Why was she initially shy? Did anything specifically open her up? And about telekinesis and telepathy, she might be learning about them, but again, anything beyond maybe making a rock wiggle or making one of her friends do a double-take (both demanding her undivided attention, by the way) is out of the question at that age and training level.

Aside from that? Not too shabby at all. In general you might want to see if you can dab at the grammar a tad, but otherwise all of my points are above. =P

[Dutch]

Moved to Incomplete

[Jenno]

Approved! Welcome to the RP!

Approved Stats:

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 2
Makashi - N/A
Soresu - N/A
Ataru - N/A
Shien / Djem So - N/A
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman - N/A
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo - N/A
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 2
Body: 0
Sense: 0
Protection: 2
Healing: 1
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:


Attributes:

Physical Strength: 3
Intelligence: 3
Leadership: 2
Speed: 4


Unarmed: 1
Melee Weapons: 0
Ranged Weapons: 0

[Jenno]

Moved to Inactive.