Jedi Knight Jiya Li

[Mara]

Just a few things I noticed:


In your appearance section, you might want to go into more detail about which Morellian traits she inherited, which Epicanthix traits she inherited.

Also, your stats look a bit high, esp. the lightsaber forms. My knight is only a year older, and has a total of 10 form points, and yours has 7 more. You'll probably have to remove two of your 4's and just stick with two forms that she's mastered/almost mastered.
We generally say about 2 years per lightsaber form number, so to master one/reach a 5, would taken ten years.

In the bio, I'd note which of her parents was the Morellian, which the Epicanthix.
What news were her parents ecstatic about? That the Jedi came, that she was Force-sensitive? Then why wouldn't they want to let her go? If they didn't want to give her up, why agree to speak to the Jedi in two years? Did they think they would change their minds, or just wanted more time to spend with their daughter? And then as a 5 year old, begging the Jedi to take her? I don't know, but the information in this first part of the bio doesn't really gel to me.

Later, you say that unlike most of the younglings, Jiya knew the Force. Um, ALL the younglings would know the Force. That's why they're there.

Also, I don't think Projected fighting is something a youngling would learn. That would come later in life as an older padawan at the earliest. Even so, it would taken much more than just a couple months to learn it.

And for a youngling whom you portray as somewhat of a prodigy, being good at most, if not all things, why'd it take so long for her to get a master, right at the deadline when she was almost 13? I'd think it would happen much earlier.





I'll stop there for now. You've got some good stuff here. But I just think you need to tone some stuff done and be more realistic, and do some more detail in other areas.

[Deleted]

Feb 27, 2014 13:48:54 GMT -5 Mara said:

Just a few things I noticed:


In your appearance section, you might want to go into more detail about which Morellian traits she inherited, which Epicanthix traits she inherited.

Also, your stats look a bit high, esp. the lightsaber forms. My knight is only a year older, and has a total of 10 form points, and yours has 7 more. You'll probably have to remove two of your 4's and just stick with two forms that she's mastered/almost mastered.
We generally say about 2 years per lightsaber form number, so to master one/reach a 5, would taken ten years.

In the bio, I'd note which of her parents was the Morellian, which the Epicanthix.
What news were her parents ecstatic about? That the Jedi came, that she was Force-sensitive? Then why wouldn't they want to let her go? If they didn't want to give her up, why agree to speak to the Jedi in two years? Did they think they would change their minds, or just wanted more time to spend with their daughter? And then as a 5 year old, begging the Jedi to take her? I don't know, but the information in this first part of the bio doesn't really gel to me.

Later, you say that unlike most of the younglings, Jiya knew the Force. Um, ALL the younglings would know the Force. That's why they're there.

Also, I don't think Projected fighting is something a youngling would learn. That would come later in life as an older padawan at the earliest. Even so, it would taken much more than just a couple months to learn it.

And for a youngling whom you portray as somewhat of a prodigy, being good at most, if not all things, why'd it take so long for her to get a master, right at the deadline when she was almost 13? I'd think it would happen much earlier.





I'll stop there for now. You've got some good stuff here. But I just think you need to tone some stuff done and be more realistic, and do some more detail in other areas.

What I meant about Jiya knowing the Force, is that she knew slightly more about the power of it. The Projected Fighting, I meant that she got the pure basics, I.e. The meditation technique for it. I'll try and rework the beginning and try to make have more sense. Thanks for the advice.

[Mara]

Her appearance...

If you're using that image as a guideline, I'd mention that she inherited the epicanthic folds from her father as well. That's kind of a big Epicanthix trait, and worth mentioning if she has them.
And how exactly does she look unlike most Jedi? The Jedi Order is actually quite diverse, so what makes her different?


A note on lightsaber forms...

You have her dual wielding, but don't use any of the dual wield forms, like Jar'kai, or even Niman. It also seems odd that she wouldn't focus on a form but study both Makashi and Shien. But I'm not really an expert on that.


And looking at her other stats...

A physical strength of 3 makes her about as strong as a child. Unless you wanted her to be weak and frail, I'd consider moving this up another point or two.


Again, I feel she's learning those specialized Force powers way too quickly. They cannot be learned in just a few months. At her age, I can see her being proficient in only one of them, and maybe at the very beginning stages of another.


Also, I know I just skimmed, but I don't really see melee training in the bio, yet you have it listed at 4. Remember: a lightsaber is not a melee weapon and doesn't count for the weapons points. That's what the form points are for.


I've leave the rest bio and such up to a mod. Though, it does look as though you'd need to expand some things with more detail. And probably expand the RP sample.



If you haven't yet, I'd read through the Jedi tips thread for more information.

Either way, good luck.

[Faeruy]

What Mara's said about the stats and stuff are good. I'm going to go into a few issues that I see with the bio.

Jiya, while she slept, used the force to protect herself, without her knowing.

You're going to need to change/remove this. A child that young would only be manifesting Force Sensitivity; she would not be able to create any sort of Force Field or whatever to save herself, and she DEFINITELY would not be able to do it while she was asleep. The best she would be able to do, I would think, is sense that something is wrong, and save herself that way.

I'd also really look over her youngling years again. There's a lot that makes her seem ridiculously precocious; you're going to have to tone that down a little bit. I recommend reading this article Jedi Initiate Click herefor more information about how youngling training usually works.

He then started then to teach her general force powers and 3 otherlightsaber forms, Makashi, Shein and Jar-kai.

Please make sure your bio matches your stats.

Reith rescued her and took her back to Coruscant. 2 weeks before her birthday, she did her knight trails, and passed them with flying colors. She is now ready to obtain a Padawan and help them become a Knight.

You're going to need a lot more detail than that. And I'm pretty sure the Knight trials take longer than two weeks, generally speaking. Knight Trials are not easy, they are supposed to test the Jedi to the extreme, they are an important event in a Jedi's life, which means you need more detail.

Also, you mention that she's a Sentinal and an Investigator, but you never mention how or why she becomes these things. Especially because an Investigator is a pretty specialized field, you're going to need more info on how she ended up becoming one.

Both Jiya and Reith fainted, and Jiya woke back up in Coruscant, with a snake tattoo on her back. It had turned out that when they fainted, someone took Jiya and was going to keep her as a slave, and tattooed her with a snake. Reith rescued her and took her back to Coruscant.

This makes no sense. How did Jiya and Reith both faint, manage to get captured long enough for Jiya to get a tattoo on her back, and yet somehow have Reith rescue her? And how did she manage to stay unconsious through getting captured, getting tattooed, getting rescued, and then flown back home?

In general, I think you need a bit more detail across the board, also give her some actual weaknesses instead of just making her this uber-prodigy. As a formating thing, I would break up the text into a few more paragraphs so that we're not looking at a giant wall of unbroken text. It'll be much easier on the eyes for anyone trying to read your bio.

[Dutch]

Hey there anonymous

Just wanted to say that Mara and Faeruy are right on with their reviews.

Once you've fixed what they've mentioned, I'll stroll in and give you a moderator review.

Cheers! And happy writing!

[Deleted]

I had finished the fixes, but I'll look it through again.

[Dutch]

So... since your app seemed to have magically disappeared...?

Moved to Incomplete