Maris Kitall

[Valcor]

Name: Maris Kitall

Race: Human

Age: 39

Birthplace: Corellia, Coronet

Height: 5'6”

Weight: 120 lbs

Appearance:

Maris stands around average height with pale almost white skin from her years spent indoors. Her once bright shining blonde hair has since turned greyish silver with her age and constant anxiety, making her bright green eyes show even more.  Maris' face bears signs of her pain, her cheeks and eyes are sunken from years of drug abuse and depression, making her pain much more visible.  Her expression is constantly blank and emotionless as not even physical suffering affects her anymore. She wears her once light colored Jedi robes, now dyed black and tattered from damage, around her neck in a shawl like fashion so her plastoid chest plate can show underneath. Due to the damage Maris sustained during the destruction of her home, Maris now bears deep burn scars on her arms which she wears bandages to cover. The rest of her body is covered in a skin tight black body suit that closely hugs her slender frame, and knee high boots.   Her legs carry two pouches which house her datapad, credits, and any other assorted item Maris may be carrying.

Personality: If there was one word to describe Maris, it would be heartbroken. Maris had all she could ever want in life, until it was all cruelly ripped from her by fate.  Maris was once a vibrant and loving woman who did not have a cruel bone in her body.  She was a proud and kind Jedi who only ever wanted to be truly happy, and she was.  With her family, Maris turned her kindness into love, for both her husband and two boys.  With her family, Maris was finally happy, she had everything she had ever wanted.  However, the cruelty and prejudice of conflict was not blind to her and her family.  Soon the distrust of force users Mandalore harbored showed its ugly face, and it was more than Maris could bear.  The night her children died was the night Maris' kindness left the universe.  This drove Maris to the brink of madness, making her unstable and extremely nervous. She no longer trusts herself or anything else. All she cares about is numbing herself and forgetting, but not any specific part of her past, but all of it.  Maris can barely tolerate her failure as both a mother and a wife to her family, and does everything in her power to numb her body and her mind, be that narcotics or alcohol.  Maris is not one to party however, as she has spent nearly her entire life since the loss of her family locked away in her home.  Often times Maris' soulless expression will crack when she administers her pain killers, leading to erratic and psychotic fits of rage and sadness.  These fits however are quite rare, and it takes a significant reminder to cause them, as more often than not she will simply succumb to depression.  

    When forced to be in the company of others, Maris struggles to keep herself together as she is all too often plagued with anxiety attacks and constant self doubt.  Outwardly Maris appears to be timid, quiet and withdrawn, but beneath all that smolders an invisible rage that can be unleashed if the situation calls for it.

Ships/Vehicles: Ageda Airships Luxury V-Wing Airspeeder

Equipment: N/A

Faction:  Dark Jedi
Rank: Master

Previous Faction:Jedi
Previous Rank: Master, Sentinel 

Lightsaber:
N/A
Color:
N/A

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho: 5
Makashi: 0
Soresu: 0
Ataru: 5
Shien / Djem So: 0
Niman: 5
Juyo: 0

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:
Telekinetic: 7
Telepathic: 8
Body: 6
Sense: 5
Protection: 4
Healing: 2
Destruction: 1

Specialized Skills:
Battle Meditation
Force Valor

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 4
Intelligence: 5
Speed: 7
Leadership: 2

Unarmed: 2
Melee Weapons: 3
Ranged Weapons: 1


Bio:

Discovery and Training

    Maris Kitall was born to a wealthy loving family on Corellia. She was their only child and was given everything she could possibly ask for. Upon a routine visit to the local hospital she was discovered to be a rather strong force-sensitive. A few days later the Jedi arrived at the Kitall residence. The family had long talks with the two Jedi Knights about their child, but ultimately decided their child would do more good with the Jedi than with them. They did make one request however, when she were to come of age, and should they feel she is ready, they asked that she be allowed to contact them.  The knights looked at each other warily before informing the parents that no contact meant no contact.  When Maris' mother began to cry and cling to her child, the lead knight, Varcerious, was forced to take Maris from her arms.  Were it not for the father's insistence this was for the child's best, the Jedi might not have taken her.  Despite allowing the child to be taken, the crying and sorrow the family felt stuck with Varcerious for the rest of his career.

    As a youngling Maris showed exceptional empathy and kindness, never once giving into anger or jealousy. In her mind, she did not need to give into those temptations as they would only take from her all she was given. This thought is what guided her all through her Jedi training. Combat was for defense and the protection of others, never for vengeance or hate. The force was in all of us, and every being was as deserving of life as she was.

    Soon the young Maris took a belief instilled in her and turned it into a childish fascination.  the young girl had been told that the force had a will, lived in all of us, and flowed, so in Maris' mind the force became an entity.  This way of viewing the force stuck with Maris all through time as a youngling and became the foundation upon which hundreds of future decisions would be made. Maris was nothing exceptional as a youngling however, as her telepathic abilities had not quite taken hold yet, still in their raw untrained form.  This did not mean that Maris was not fit for padawanship, as she managed to impress some of the more elderly Jedi with her patience and her focus on observation over action.

    At the young age of 10, Maris was deemed worthy of being a Padawan and taken under the wing of an aging Ithorian Jedi known as Formaw. The Ithorian was patient slow moving and very kind, fitting a Jedi of his age. While his patience would probably have been better served training a more brash Padawan, his teachings were not lost on Maris.  Both Master and Padawan shared talent and interest in the areas of Telekinetic, and Telepathic force abilities, making it easier for Formaw to instruct the young girl in the ways of the force.

    Being the calm, collected, and patient Master that Formaw was, he refused to take Maris on any Jedi related missions for quite a few years into Maris' apprenticeship.  The aging Jedi felt that many masters were to eager to throw themselves and their padawans into the fray of battle before the young ones were ready for it.  This line of thinking led Formaw to often leave his Padawan in the ship as he traveled and completed assignments for the council that he deemed could possibly involve conflict.  In this down time, practically alone, Maris found herself turning to the force.  While Fromaw was away, Maris would sit in silence, not finding anything else to occupy her time with, and would begin meditating, communicating telepathically with whatever other life was around her through the force.  What often astonished the other Masters, when she meditated at the temple, was the length of time the young girl would remain stationary, often sitting for hours outside near whatever forms of life she could.  This taught Maris both patience, and how the force flowed through all life around her.

    It was during one of these extended meditations, that one of Maris' attending masters observed something strange.  As Maris would meditate, often times the local insects or small animals would be drawn to her.  They would often rest near her, congregate around her, or simply watch her, but they would never touch her.  It seemed as though Maris' telepathic meditation brought peace and calm to the creatures.  Soon even some of the attending masters felt a strange sense of calm when they meditated with or near the Padawan.  After some time, one of the attending Jedi informed Formaw of the curious activity of surrounding animals near his apprentice.  Formaw then decided to witness one of these meditations himself.

New found Power

    Formaw informed his Padawan that he wished to meditate with her, but did not tell her why, only that he wished to be in a garden.  Maris agreed, thinking nothing of it, and followed her master as they went to visit a local Horticulture garden.  Formaw found a calm secluded spot and gestured for his padawan to meditate.  Unbeknownst to Maris, Formaw did not meditate, but instead observed Maris as she did.  Slowly but surely the local life began to react to her presence.  Insects began to accumulate around her, animals came and rested around her, and even the plants seemed to turn to face her.  As Maris' meditation grew to a close, Formaw slowly stood, his aging Ithorian body practically shaking with excitement.  The moment Maris opened her eyes, Formaw grabbed her by the shoulders and hoisted her up to her feet.  He quickly informed her, often struggling to slow himself down so she could understand his Ithorian language, that she had a special gift, her meditation could affect those around her in drastic ways.  Maris at the time, did not know what this meant, but after seeing her Master's excitement, began to grow excited herself.

    Apparently Maris had been unintentionally communicating with the nearby wildlife, and the beings seemed to find her presence calming as her peaceful mind naturally brought peace to the creatures.  Maris however, was less than pleased to learn of her skill in this area.  She had always been fond of telepathy and found the abilities associated with it came easy to her, but this one seemed like a frivolous waste of time.  Maris wanted to learn something that she could use to actually help people, so instead of further learning of her beast communication abilities, Maris turned her focus to emotional manipulation, a skill Formaw had mentioned in an off hand comment.  When Maris began to focus her telepathic abilities to those around her, she suddenly noticed she could influence them as well and informed Formaw.

    As Maris soon learned, her ability to affect others emotions with her telepathy was a rare and valuable gift only a few Jedi were known to possess, and even fewer were known to master.  Formaw, having felt he needed decisive evidence his padawan was ready for missions, now got it and he was only too eager to take her.  Soon Maris learned that more is gained through simple observation than through action, and that sometimes patience pays off more than aggression. For more than a few years the pair was inseparable, attending meetings, and going on missions. Slowly the pair became the Jedi Council's go to group for missions that needed a calm and calculating approach, all the while further training Maris in the use of her meditation, honing her telepathic abilites.  It was on one of these missions that Maris realized the just how influential the power of her meditation, and telepathy was.

    Not a full week after Maris' 12th birthday, she and her master were given an assignment.  The pair were to look into a group of sketchy looking Rodians that seemed to be lingering around the senate building every day at the same time.  Normally this would not even be a job for the local security, but the Rodian Senator feared that the gang was there to intimidate him due to some of his recent policies, and requested the assistance of the Jedi.  Formaw decided to look up the Rodians in the records and told Maris not to go monitor the suspicious group without him.  Maris being too eager to impress her master on their first mission, did just that, but her snooping would not go unnoticed.

    On the third day of Maris' monitoring of the group, one of the gang noticed her.  Rather than go after her himself, he too observed, and slowly realized she was watching them.  After alerting the group, the Rodian had another of their group nab her.  Maris was caught completely off guard by the assailant that kidnapped her from behind.  Suddenly Maris found herself tied up in a compound in who knew where with nothing but her robes.  As it turned out, the group was indeed a band of hired thugs that were waiting to intimidate the Rodian senator.  The Rodian senator had recently pledged his support to end child labor in his home planet, and the thugs were hired to make him stop his support.  They, however, had not been paid to murder anyone, especially a Jedi and were now confused and lost on what to do with Maris, as they were sure someone would come looking for her.  Most already wanted to free the child, claiming this was too much for them, but only the leader was still on the fence about freeing the child.

    Maris suddenly found herself helpless except for one skill, her telepathy.  Maris remembered what Formaw had told her about her meditation and realized that it might be her only chance here.  Maris slowly closed her eyes and let her mind relax, feeling the flow of the force through the air around her and her captors in the other room.  Maris tried her best to focus her thoughts on the way the force flowed, gently altering it and using her body to control the alterations.  Slowly Maris focused on soothing the anxiety of her captors, ebbing thoughts of peace, calm, and relaxation into their minds.  Maris could not manipulate their thoughts, but did manipulate their emotions and since the group already was pushing to release her, it did not take much.  Slowly the captors came to the conclusion that Maris was not a threat, and probably did not even know what they were doing in front of the senate building.  The group eventually released Maris, as they might have done already, but her abilities shortened the time that it took them to come to the conclusion.  They soon realized, however, once their faces appeared up on wanted boards, that she knew where they were, and that she had fled back to the council and told them of their kidnapping and plan for the senator.  The thugs cursed their luck, but were caught by local law enforcement before they could flee the planet.

    Maris, after informing the council of her ordeal, went to her master and informed him with giddy excitement of what she had done to escape.  Formaw calmly told her how disappointed he was she disobeyed him, but also proud he was, and how much he planned to increase her training with this ability.  Maris was only too happy to agree.  Soon Maris' training picked up intensity, as both Formaw and Maris wanted her to reach the full potential of her abilities.  Lightsaber training and daily meditations occupied nearly all of the pair's time as Maris' strength in both combat and telepathy flourished.

    While Formaw was not much to look at due to his age, his extensive use of Force Valor has allowed him to continue to use, and train in the highly agile lightsaber form of Ataru.  Formaw, in addition to teaching Maris in lightsaber combat, also instructed her heavily in the use of Force Valor simultaneously, a form of training Maris continued to use throughout her future exercises.  Having already grown proficient in Shii-cho while training with the other students, Maris appeared ready to continue her training.  This however put an enormous amount of strain on the aging Ithorian's body, limiting the amount of time he could train Maris in the form.  However his education to her on the form was just as easily done while sitting and analyzing her technique.  It was not long before the energetic and youthful Maris was too much for her old master, even with his use of Force Valor.  In addition to Ataru, Formaw had Maris instructed on Niman as he felt her Ataru form left her lacking in defense and protection, an area she already struggled with in the force.  Maris' skills in all areas of both the force and lightsaber combat would be tested beyond what she had ever imagined, as she would in time come embark on a mission that would change her forever.

    For another 10 years the padawan and master trained and meditated together, building a close relationship between the two.  Maris' meditation abilities were unparalleled as she soon was able to create a sense of calm in an entire building when her focus and telepathy were concentrated and deep enough.  Maris however refused to try and spread feelings other than peace and calm for two reasons, one she did not feel it was just to play with any creatures feelings in a negative way, and two Maris' personal feelings often times mixed with the emotions she was trying to relay to others, making Maris terrified to try any hostile emotions.  Despite this Maris continued her training in meditation, and soon it would pay off.

Graduation, at a Price

    It was on one mission that Maris discovered how powerful she truly was and found out how to control her abilities. The Master and Padawan were out in the Hoth system to track down a group of kidnappers that had taken another elderly ex-Jedi for ransom. Were it not for this old man's close personal relationship with one of the council members, the Jedi would never have been alerted to this mission.  How the kidnappers took the man was already on the councils mind, as was the location of the thugs.  This was a very delicate operation and one that would turn out to be the first trial of Maris' graduation to Knighthood. However once the pair began to close in on the snowy compound things began to fall apart.

    Rather than let the duo land, the kidnappers suddenly opened fire from the ground, causing their ship to crash a few miles from the snowy base. Suddenly the patient pair were thrown into a situation where action was required without much thought. Maris, painfully injured herself, was then forced to drag her heavily wounded and hefty master from the wreckage towards, well she did not know where. After cowering in a cave awaiting her master to regain consciousness, Maris was taught her most important lesson of all, sometimes action is a necessity.

    After what seemed like an eternity caring for her master and meditating, attempting to wake him that way, all the while struggling with a deep gash in her torso, Maris decided her master required medical attention now and that she needed to save the kidnapped Jedi no matter what, this was now her mission and hers alone.  Formaw would later tell the child that her decision to infiltrate a highly defended base alone, while injured was both her Trial of Courage, and Flesh.  She quickly wrapped up her Formaw in whatever clothing and blankets she scavenged from the wreckage that she did not need for her own injury and set off towards the compound. During the day the tundra of Hoth was not as hostile as the brutal icy nights, but the cold wind still clawed at her, begging for her body's warmth. After half a day of walking Maris reached the high walls of the outlaws compound. She knew they would not have civil conversation, or even hear reason, they had already shot her down without a second thought. Maris, at this point did not know how extensive the compound was and did not wish to try and meditate in such a harsh unforgiving environment that was Hoth's surface.  So she knew to protect others, she must fight. She quickly climbed inside through a loose ventilation duct and began the slow crawl through the airways.

    The base was surprisingly well kept up for a band of outlaws. All of the metal was polished and clean, the quarters were organized by what she could only assume was rank, and supplies were rationed equally.  This was not the normal functionality of simple mercenaries, but this was not the time for Maris to ponder who these men were.  All of this she gathered from peering down through vents onto the occupants below. It didn't take long for Maris to find the captured ex-Jedi, being restrained inside a small cell. He was an elderly human, probably at least 80 or 90 years old. Maris wasted no time and dropped out of the vent, quickly dispatching the jailer pacing the halls with a quick flash of her lightsaber. After swiping the key from his body and heading back to the cell, Maris released the aging man.  Maris quickly informed the Jedi that she was from the Council and took his arm with her small hand. To her surprise the man pulled his arm back and looked up at her. He smiled softly and shook his head before replying in a weak frail tone, telling her that he did not wish to leave.

    Maris looked at him dumbfounded, she had run every possible way that her plan could go wrong through her head on the trek here, but this had never crossed her mind.  The aging ex-Jedi asked Maris if she had ever loved anyone as he slowly sat down on a bench in his chair. Maris did not reply, still shocked at how calm this man was in his situation.  The ex-Jedi continued to tell Maris how important and amazing being in love was as he looked up at her with his kind blue eyes.  The old man slowly began to tear up as he spoke more and more about what love was like and how it felt.  He softly took Maris' hands in his as he slowly stood once again.  Maris finally realized the man had no intention of leaving, and probably had no intention of resisting the kidnappers when they came and took him.  The old Jedi told Maris that these bandits had killed his wife when he could not pay her ransom, and that he now had nothing left to live for.  Maris, determined not to let this old man wallow in his own self pity, informed him that he was a Jedi, and that he always had something to live for.  The old Jedi trailed off as he wiped a tear from his cheek before informing Maris that he only wanted to retrieve his wife's body from the men that took her.  As the Jedi began to tear up more and more, Maris was forced to cut him off by raising her hand, feeling she already had the information she needed. “You are still a jedi, and you still have knowledge that would be priceless to the order... You have a duty to pass those on.” She said once more extending her hand to him, showing true maturity and level headed demeanor even in the face of such a drastic situation. He looked up at her slowly and pointed to a chest outside his cell and requested his lightsaber as he stood up once more, seeming to feel relieved.

    Maris smiled and retrieved the blade from the chest. It was double bladed and was slightly tarnished around the buttons, showing its age. Maris presented the blade to the Jedi with a smile, allowing him to take it from her hands. He slowly held the blade out in front of him, one end facing her the other facing him. He slowly lifted his eyes from the blade to her and smiled softly as another tear ran down his cheek. “I have one thing left to teach in these old bones.” He said softly, before leaning up close to Maris' ear and whispering, “Don't be alone forever.”

Suddenly his lightsaber ignited, the green color flashing through his torso as he let out a soft choke. Maris screamed and grabbed him quickly in shock. She might not have anticipated him not wanting to leave, but this shook her to the core. As the old man fell, his lightsaber remained in her hands, upon flipping it over she found one word carved into its durasteel, “Her”. Maris slowly teared up and knelt slowly over the Jedi, before slowly reaching up and closing his eyes.

    This was the closes Maris had ever been to death and true hopelessness, and it shook the young girl to the core.  Due to her connection to the force, Maris was able to feel the life leave the man merely inches from her, and it made her shudder.  The depression, and relief he felt when he died terrified Maris, and yet the emotions were stronger than any Maris had felt herself.  The young girl remembered her days as a youngling and the notion that, 'for every darkness there is a light'.  To feel this strongly, the ex-Jedi must have felt equally as passionate before he lost his wife, and beneath the sorrow and terror that washed over Maris, it peeked her interest.  After what seemed like an eternity grieving over the fallen Jedi, Maris finally managed to steel her resolve.  

    Maris knew she had to escape the compound, but without the help she had anticipated receiving from the Jedi Master, Maris was out of options. The young padawan turned to the one thing that helped her focus when she was out of options, meditation.  Maris sat in the cell that now housed the lifeless body of the deceased master, and let her body open up to the force.  Slowly Maris let the waves of the force flow through her, and responded by letting her emotions flow into the force as well, attempting to mimic those of the fallen ex-Jedi beside her.  The death of the Jedi, as well as his final words resonated deep within Maris and then resonated in the force around her.  Soon the air within the section of the compound that housed both the hangar and the prison cells became thick with sorrow and feelings of loss, spurring the few mercenaries in the area to seek the comfort of personal quarters.  The hardened mercenaries, in such close proximity to Maris, could not help but seclude themselves.  This opened up a path for Maris to reach the Freighter that the mercenaries used for transport.  Maris quickly turned on the craft and fled the base, just as the men were recovering from the intense feelings of sadness.  Maris quickly recovered her master and turned the ship towards the stars above, and left the brutal tundra.  

    Maris, determined not to leave the bodies of the Jedi and his wife on this dreadful planet, messaged the council of the situation with the stranded kidnappers and the Jedi.  The council confirmed that a Republic vessel in the area would pick up the stragglers, and the dead.  After retrieving her master, and receiving medical treatment, she informed him what had happened and presented the lightsaber to him. Formaw only sighed and lowered his gaze.  Formaw then told Maris that the Jedi had been a long time friend of his, but had always struggled to withhold his emotions ever since he became a knight.  Formaw in his weakened and injured state relayed just how important it was for the Jedi to withhold emotion, lest they make brash decisions.  Formaw then told Maris, that for her telepathy to work, she must be able to control her emotions better than any other Jedi, she had to be able to feel emotions strongly enough to use them, but never give into their control.  Maris agreed, but the words of the deceased Jedi Master still echoed in her mind.  In spite of this Maris, now with the confidence of both her master and the council behind her, began to strive in earnest for knighthood. 

The Trials

    Upon the Padawan's return to the Jedi Temple, Formaw began to insist she focus on becoming a true Jedi, lest she throw away all of her own hard work and her master's.  Maris agreed nervously, still slightly unsure if her abilities would stand up to snuff, despite her exceptional uses of telepathy to date.  The third of Maris' trials would have little to do with her telepathic abilities however, as it was her Trial of Skill.  This trial was administered to her by one of the council members inside the temple, and one it seemed did not take kindly to Maris.  The burly human was curt, cold and gruff with Maris, ordering around the nervous padawan as he set up the training droids.  This did little to ease Maris' mind, as this was quite possibly one of the most important moments in her becoming a true Jedi.  Despite this, Maris fell back on the long years she spent with her master, meditating and practicing her patience.  Slowly Maris closed her eyes and calmed herself.  She was ready for this, and she would show this battlemaster she just how skilled she was.  

    In moments the Trial began and dozens of training droids shot out into the room around Maris.  The young Padawan had trained with them hundreds of times over her lifetime, but never this many at this speed, firing this quickly.  The young girl's eyes widened for a moment only for instinct to kick in.  The first blast ricocheted off her blade up into the ceiling, only for another to follow up from a different angle, sending pain rocketing through her calf.  The droids swirled around her like a hive of angry bees, their blasts filling the area between them with golden energy.  For every one Maris deflected, three more came at her, it was madness.  The intensity of the trial forced Maris to tap into her Force Valor simply to keep up, but the strain it put on her body soon became apparent. The Padawan was stressed, thinking too hard about what to do and exactly how to do it.  Soon blasts began to seep through her slightly lacking technique.

    First was her thigh, then her shoulder, Maris was losing energy fast, and these stun blasts were only exacerbating the strain.  Maris' mind whirled until she realized her issue, she just hoped it was not too late.  Slowly Maris let herself relax, letting the force flow through her, guiding her movements as she had been taught hundreds of times.  Her movements became fluid and less forced as blocks flowed into each other, as if she was no longer directing her blade for the blasts, but the blasts for her blade.  Despite this shots continued to seep through simply by the sheer volume they were launched in.  Just as Maris was about to break, the droids halted their barrage and the Master's voice came in through a communication speaker.  His tone was entirely different as he beckoned Maris back into out of the training room.

    Maris, drenched in sweat, slowly walked back out, expecting to have failed the trial.  To her surprise the Master was smiling widely, wider than she ever imagined he could.  The Jedi informed her that she performed decently enough to pass the test before continuing to explain the trial.  He told her that the volume of droids was designed to be impossible, and that he was focusing more on her self-discipline, which she showed in flying colors.  He also apologized for his tone from earlier, telling her it was to further test her mental fortitude, before giving her a rough slap on the back.  The Jedi then withdrew his hand, wiping the sweat off on his robe before telling her to go bathe, insisting he would tell her master of her performance.

    After cleaning herself up, and relaxing for a short while, Maris returned to Master Formaw.  The aging Ithorian was clearly ecstatic at her passing her second trial, and was visibly shaking.  To see his young padawan pass her trials and progress towards knighthood, brought the Ithorian immense amounts of joy, more than he could express to the young girl.  Formaw was not unaware that the next trials would push Maris to her limits, but he knew in his heart that she was ready for them.  With any luck these might just be what it takes to reveal Maris' true potential.

    In the coming weeks Maris proceeded to take and pass her Trial of Spirit, probably the easiest of her trials so far.  This is not to say the trial itself was easy, but compared to the others, this one was the least physically exhausting.  For this Trial, Maris was required to solve a small puzzle.  The puzzle took the form of a small pyramid about the size of Maris' hand.  The young girl was given no end goal for the puzzle, and simply instructed to 'solve' it.

    Maris was confused at first until she was alone with the pyramid and it began to radiate an aura of uneasiness.  Maris instantly recognized the feeling, as it had been one that Formaw had instructed her would be exceptionally powerful against her with her abilities.  The room she was in soon began to close in around her while feelings of self doubt and borderline illness began to sink in.  In the face of this, Maris began to meditate as she always did, but as she opened her feelings up, the object seemed to capitalize on it, and forced it's way in, filling her with terror and self doubt.  The young padawan then began to grow visibly taxed as she struggled to control the feelings flowing through her.  Yet despite her immense focus and incredible power of meditation, nothing she did seemed to help, the object simply had unlimited power, while Maris did not.  Soon Maris was overwhelmed, her mind forced to witness the entirety of what the object could do, yet seemingly unable to withdraw from her meditation to flee.

    Before Maris' very eyes, flashes of combat and desperation presented themselves, as if an entire war was playing out before her, despite her eyes being shut.  The anguish and pain of both sides radiated through Maris without her normal mental defenses to stop them.  Neither side appeared to be any army that Maris was familiar with, and yet she found as if her loyalties were with the losing side.  Perhaps it was just the object's own prejudices, but Maris felt her will to help this illusion radiate deep within her, yet she just did not know how.  Before her eyes, more and more beings fell before her, and every single one tore at her.  Maris wanted desperately to cry, to sob for each loss, and yet she couldn't, she was immobile, trapped in her body and forced to observe.

    Finally Maris could take no more, she couldn't let another of these men die before her without doing something.  With a single push of pure will, Maris forced through the aura of uneasiness and let her emotions flow into the men before her eyes, casting doubt upon the attackers, and filling the defenders with the will to fight once more.  As she released her full abilities, so to did the men before her eyes.  Retreats were changed to counter attacks, wounded lifted their weapons despite the pain, and soon the tide began to shift.  Despite this change in events, Maris continued to push with her mind, realizing the illusion before her, and determined to break it.

     The soldiers soon became blurs as Maris turned their wills to win into a single force back against the pyramid and it's illusion. With the full, unrestricted, power Maris now wielded fighting against the pyramid, it was simply unable to compete and slowly began to recede back into itself, no longer emanating the power it had previously.  Maris had sealed the power back inside it's prison, effectively solving the puzzle, and happily returned back to her master, informing him of all that transpired.  For both facing her fears, putting herself in serious danger, as well as solving the puzzle of the pyramid, Maris passed both her Trial of Spirit.  The following day Maris graduated and was pronounced a Jedi Knight.  Formaw shed a single tear as she hugged him afterwards, it was the first time she had seen the elderly Ithorian cry, but it made her heart soar with joy.

A Jedi and Doubt

    For the next 10 years, Maris was a dutiful and loyal knight, her old double-bladed lightsaber now sported the metal plate from the older Jedi's that had the word, 'her' scratched into it, keeping the rest of his old lightsaber safely in her quarters unknown to the others, his words still ringing in her head “Don't be alone forever.” She had never thought about it before, but every Jedi no matter how accomplished, was alone. Sure they had the other Jedi, but no one to be with, no one to love.  After seeing just how happy and attuned to the force the elderly Jedi was, Maris was not sure she wanted to be without love for the rest of her life.  Maris spent many weeks meditating on the topic, thinking long and hard about the path she was on, and the path she wanted.

    During this time as a knight, Maris trained further in the use of her Battle Meditation and telepathic abilities, and on many occasions solved conflicts using nothing but emotional manipulation.  This power came at a steep cost however, as Maris' emotional training and service to the council occupied most her time.  Maris soon became one of the busiest Jedi in the order, both to serve the Jedi, and to distract herself from the feelings of doubt about her place as a Jedi that had been growing inside her.  This level of focus and dedication finally culminated in Maris gaining the ability of full blown Battle Meditation.  While she had unlocked the power during her trials, she never managed to use it in reality.  Due to her intense focus on the ability though, Maris soon found using the talent came easier and easier to her.  While still relatively weak compared to other famous Jedi who had wielded the ability as they could influence entire armies of millions, with Maris only being able to project her Battle Meditation to a small city at most, Maris was proud of her accomplishment.  Maris could soothe an assailant and calm him out of his crime, and talk a suicidal civilian into believing in themselves again better than even the most veteran Jedi.

    During Maris'  time as a knight, she was eventually assigned a padawan.  The name of this youngster was Taldeer, a peppy young man who believed in the jedi code with all of his heart.  The young man believed in every word the council spoke, unquestioning and loyal to a fault.  It was as if the Jedi were the boy's entire life, and it only went to show Maris just how blind the Order was to being human.  For Maris, Taldeer was the shining example of just what was missing in her life, something to make her feel alive and real, and not simply some puppet or automaton.  Maris decided to put these thoughts into the back of her mind for now, as she had much work to do.  The training of the young boy went on without a hitch, with both of them getting along well, yet all during the training, Maris could not help but pity the boy.  Taldeer never ached for a normal life from what Maris could tell, nor did he seem to miss his family at all, if he even remembered who they were.  Maris never raised her concerns with the boy, not that she believed he would have paid them much mind, and tried her best to keep them both busy.


    Soon Maris' busyness paid off, and the council declared her a Master, due to her staggering meditation abilities, constant good work as a Jedi, as well as the graduation of her padawan.  Now at the age of 34, Maris was finally a Jedi Master, and once again, her promotion did not give her the satisfaction she had once thought it would, for recently Maris' mind had been plagued with troublesome thoughts.  Maris tried her best to meditate to relieve her stress, but all that did was exacerbate the problem.  With her padawan off on his own, Maris requested some time off from the council to deal with some personal issues.  The council agreed and granted her request.

    Now, Maris was able to take time off from missions to focus on herself, and yet this only amplified her problems.  Whenever Maris would meditate, a practice that had always soothed her, she was now instead wracked with feelings of self doubt and anxiety.  To keep her powers from resonating into those around her, Maris sought out the seclusion of the hall of records in the temple.  Rather than read any of the records, Maris would sit between the halls in the most secluded spot she could find, and meditate.  No matter what she tried, her mind always came back to the deceased Jedi Master, whose blade still remained in her possession, and his dying words.  Maris wanted to find love, no matter how much she denied it, it was the one emotion she could not master in her meditations. 

    Despite her inner turmoil, Maris remained with the Jedi, convinced the answers would come to her with time.  Sadly, from the time she became a knight, to the time she was anointed a Jedi master, Maris' self doubt never left her.  No matter how much Maris busied herself, or how much she meditated, the drive and will to find love never left her mind.  She began to dream about a figure to be with but never details on the being.  Eventually Maris experienced an exceptionally vivid vision during one of her deeper meditations, a rarity as often Maris was in total control of her meditations.  In this vision Maris saw the planet of Mandalore, a planet she had come to recognize from recent republic media focus.  The planet seemed to call to her with a warm and welcoming tone, but also something else.  Maris awoke from the vision feeling a strange warmth in her chest that she could only describe as affection.  In that moment, Maris decided she could no longer resist, and attempted resign from the Jedi Order to go off and find what was calling to her, as it seemed it was her heart's only wish.  The council urged her to reconsider and suggested she stay at the Jedi Temple and meditate further with another Jedi before she made such a brash decision.  Maris agreed and was assigned the Jedi Master Varcerious to meditate with.

    During this downtime in her life Maris talked long and hard with Varcerious about what had been plaguing her mind and professed that she did not feel she was doing what she was meant to do with the Jedi.  Varcerious solemnly informed her that if this is how she felt, no amount of meditation would change her mind.  Varcerious then informed her that she should try seeking out  another source of knowledge, family.  It was then that Varcerious told Maris that he was the Knight that had taken her as a child to the temple and that he also had something on his mind.  Ever since he retrieved Maris, Varcarious confessed that he could not rid his mind of the image of Maris' sobbing mother.  Maris remained silent for the majority of the conversation until she was given the location of her family, at which point she she smiled and thanked the Jedi. She promised him she would handle it well and officially left the Jedi temple. Maris turned in her old lightsabers and left with only her robes, and enough credits to reach Corellia.  At the age of 35 Maris went to meet her parents for two reasons. One because she, like every other initiate, had imagined them in her mind, and wanted to see who they actually were, and two because she had not found guidance in neither the force nor the council on the issue that nagged at her mind.

New Life

    Upon arriving in Corellia, Maris quickly searched out her family and smiled brightly when she arrived at their residence. Clearly business had been good on Corellia as the home she arrived at was towering and massive. Before Maris could ring the doorbell a second time she was greeted by an older woman with piercing bright green eyes that matched Maris'.  Maris was only able to speak a small greeting before the woman assaulted her with a tight embrace.  Maris' mother replied with only sobs and Maris' name, with tears streaming down her cheeks. The reunion was warm and welcoming as Maris was introduced to her family. After Maris they never had another child, but had filled the space with animals it appeared. The towering mansion was littered with the creatures, every kind of large and medium sized to small animal to small rodents.  Maris however was more focused on her family, never once leaving her mothers side, as if her mother would have allowed.

    The now reunited family spent all day talking, about the Jedi, about Corellia and everything else, but it was towards the end when Maris was feeling she must leave for Mandalore that she asked about the one thing she really wished to talk about. She asked her mother and father when they were just finishing dinner, what kind of life they wanted for her. They paused and looked at each other before responding that that wanted her to be happy. Her mother then followed up by asking if Maris was happy with the Jedi. Maris suddenly looked at them in shock. She had no idea, she had always thought she was happy, but after seeing her parents love for each other and the love they had for their child, she was no longer sure. Maris thanked her parents and promised them to stay in touch as she left, but her mind was not at ease. Her thoughts, no matter how much she sought to distract herself, always came back to “was she happy?” No other question in her life had nagged her this much, and it was starting to affect her.  With more credits from her family in her pocket, Maris finally sought out the planet she had envisioned, Mandalore.

    She moved to to the warrior world, feeling as if something on the planet called to her, and took a job as a waitress. It did not pay much, but Maris felt peace, and for once true happiness in being normal.  During this time, Maris continued her training in her small meager home in the Spar clan village, meditating heavily, and training with a highly self modified Zabrak Zhaboka (or quarterstaff) mostly because it was the only familiar way she had to exercise and, it slightly helped her remember who she was.  While it was not perfectly like a lightsaber, the highly modified extremely lightweight staff was similar in weight to her old lightsaber, and did the job well enough that Maris did not completely lose all of her old skills, she did grow rusty with time however.  Training in private was not uncommon in the slightest on Mandalore, often encouraged.  Once Maris settled in the Mandalorian city, the local populace seemed to be generally happier.  When she meditated, her new found happiness resonated through out the village, and every citizen that lived there.

Love and Loss

     It was not even a year before Maris found herself in a romantic relationship. The man's name was Vuur Spar, a young Mandalorian who had taking a liking to her in the restaurant where she worked. The moment she met him, she felt a familiar bond that she had not felt since her vision many months before.  The relationship went off without a hitch and soon the pair found themselves living together. It was during this time Maris confessed her previous connection with the Jedi to Vuur, as well as her abilities with the force and lightsaber.  Vuur, although astonished, confessed that he loved Maris, and the way he felt around her, whether that was from her abilities or not.  Maris told Vuur she loved him, he was abrasive, gruff, and loved conflict, but with her, he was loving and gentle and made her feel like the only woman in the galaxy and promised she was never returning to the Jedi. Vuur informed her that it would be best to keep her previous ties to the Jedi a secret, and she agreed, promising only to practice her meditation and training with the Zhaboka.

    It did not take long for the pair to be wed, despite the opposition of Vuur's father, who did not take kindly to his son marrying a non-Mandalorian born woman, still unaware that Maris was a force user. With the marriage soon came children, two young boys, Delvin and Korr, the pride and joy of Maris. Maris would sometimes think back to her days with the order and wonder how she ever led that life, knowing now what true happiness was now. This happiness echoed in her meditations, as she could now master the emotions of love and happiness to a whole new level in other beings.  Maris' life was perfect, she mastered her meditation finally and she now truly had the world. Soon that would all change.

    One day Maris' son Kurr was playing beneath a tree, under the watchful eyes of his mother, when suddenly a small creature leaped to an unstable branch, causing the heavy hunk of wood to come falling straight for Kurr.  Maris reacted instantly and held out her hands, halting the branches fall just feet from her son.  While this saved her son, it did not go unnoticed by the other Mandalorians, who already distrusted the outsider.  It was not long before word of a Jedi spread across the community. Most simply brushed it off, she was retired and did not seem to interested in the conflict or espionage, but others took her as a threat. She was not Mandalorian, and that did not sit well with a select group. To a few die hard soldiers who had not forgotten the dishonor they suffered at the hands of the republic and the Jedi, she was the perfect target.

    One late night a group of disgruntled retired veterans had gotten a bit too much to drink and decided that they were tired of the Jedi “spying” on them. Vuur was coming home late from a job and Maris was cleaning some of his tools around the back of their house. Despite how calm and peaceful the night was, Maris could not shake a feeling of impending hatred and malice that seemed to be growing ever closer to her home.  Delvin and Korr rested quietly inside as the small group approached. They were first spotted by Vuur who was just about to walk through the front door when he saw them approach. People harassing his family was not uncommon, so he walked out in front of them and took aim with his blaster. Maris was still out back, completely unaware of the turmoil out front. Vuur threatened the group but they simply swarmed him, he was unable to get a shot off before the pack had him incapacitated and tossed him aside. Vuur lay broken yet conscious outside his home, unable to stop what he feared was about to happen.

    Slowly a soft beeping was heard to Maris, who was just getting used to the calm chirping of the local birds. She turned to face her house just in time to see thermal detonators rolling down the long halls that ran the length of the house. Maris did not even have time to scream before the house erupted in flames, knocking her clear of the back yard and into the forest behind.  Maris, who had been quietly meditating as she cleaned her husbands clothing outback, felt the life forces of her children leave the earth as well as most of her husbands.  She lay in the woods, sobbing hysterically as she knew her children had perished.  The moment the force within her children left the home, Maris snapped, her connection to the force required her to feel the moment they died as deeply as anyone possibly could.  Maris slowly rose and let out a loud agonized wail which radiated with the pain and suffering she felt.  The ex-Jedi's connection to the force caused her emotions to radiate into everyone directly nearby, causing feelings of intense sorrow and mild hysteria to permeate among the citizens.

    After what seemed like hours of screaming, with most citizens to terrified to leave their homes with the feelings of sorrow in the air, Maris slowly brought herself crawling back to her home, finding flames still licking hungrily at the wood that remained. None of her family remained to be seen, only the destruction that had torn them apart. The life Maris had built and loved was torn from her so quickly, and now she had nothing. Slowly she crawled back to the shed that contained all of her old Jedi garb and opened it up. All she had left lay in one small chest, her old robes, and a small ceremonial chest plate Vuur had gotten her. Slowly Maris took the belongings, tears still rolling down her cheeks freely, and carried them over to her ash covered yard. Slowly she dipped the robes in the black water, giving them a patchy grey/black hue before strapping her chestplate on, slowly tracing the writing on the side with one finger. While the ash did not permanently dye the cloth, it served to darken the current colors to a dim, lifeless grey/brown color.  The force had led her here, given her everything, and now seemed to be toying with her as it ripped everything away from her.  In her distraught state, Maris did not even notice the faint flicker of her husband's life in the force as he was taken away for medical treatment.

A Nihilist is Born

    After dawning her robes, Maris left the house, the city, and the planet, no longer wanting to be anywhere near the life she had once lived or the place the force seemed to have teased her with. Having assumed her husband perished with the rest of her family, Maris' only thoughts were of pain and self loathing. Maris could not bear the loss of her family and the self doubt that came with it.  Maris had been so sure of herself before the destruction of her life.  Every decision seemed perfect, every choice made sense, but now all of that was thrown into question.  Maris now barely trusted herself and became wracked with constant anxiety and nervous breakdowns.

    In her sorrow, Maris went to the only place she hoped she could find help, home. On the journey back to her parents' mansion, however, Maris discovered that the pair had perished.  This left her with a considerable amount of money, but only added to the pain depression that plagued the ex-jedi. Apparently a kath hound had gotten free and slain them.  When Maris arrived home, all she could do was sob.  Her hysteria and feelings of loss left Maris nearly incapable of caring for herself, and were it not for the servants of her parents that took her in, she would surely have died.  It was in this time, that Maris sought to rid herself of this pain, in any way she could.  Maris first attempted to kill herself, but her connection to the force as well as the constant monitoring she was under by the servants, left Maris with little drive or opportunity to end herself.  She then turned to narcotics, powerful pain meds her father kept in the bathroom.  Apparently the elderly man was suffering from a debilitating case of degenerative disc disease, and required heavy doses of painkillers to even move.  Before his death at the hands of the Kath hound, Mr. Kitall apparently stocked up on his medication, as leaving his home had become more of a burden than he was willing to bear.  This provided Maris with just the escape she needed.

    Maris began to take the pain pills herself, numbing her mind and her body as much as she could without alerting the staff.  Maris spent months curled up in her bed, intermittently sobbing and taking pills, all the while her connection to the force caused her sadness to radiate throughout the mansion.  In time however, as months passed, Maris thought long and hard about that fateful day, as well as her entire life up to that point.  The tugging feeling she felt towards Mandalore, the passion she felt for Vuur, all of it was a lie told to her by the force.  To prevent anything from going wrong again, Maris chose never to let the force control her.  With that thought in mind, Maris began upping the dosage of pain medication she took, nearly leaving her bedridden, but none of that mattered to her.
 


RP Sample:  "Maris..." Came a soft kind voice through the darkness that was the ex-Jedi's slumber.  All the woman in the bed could do was groan softly as she slowly began to wake.  The servant smiled kindly before placing a small silver platter on the foot of Maris' bed.  The ornate massive bed on which Maris slept was antiquated in appearance and clearly made for a couple, but now only a single person occupied it, and the bed seemed to dwarf her.  Around Maris lay dozens of small creatures, all drawn to her at night when her mind was at peace, but now with her waking, they seemed to scatter.  Subtle feelings of sorrow slowly began to creep into the room as Maris began to roll away from her servant, wanting the woman to leave so she could numb herself.  The servant, having grown accustom to this practice, slowly bowed before leaving the room to it's single occupant, the line of creatures in tow behind her.

    It was already noon from what Maris could tell, the stream of light piercing the tall ceiling length curtains had yet to reach her bed, but had left the wall, meaning the sun was in about the middle of the sky.  Maris did not linger on this thought long however, as time really did not have much importance to her, she had no schedule to keep or requirements to meet, so she rose when it suited her.  Slowly the pale slender woman extended a hand for her nightstand, slowly opening the drawer to retrieve what was occupying her mind, her meds.  Well they were her father's but due to his passing, they were now her's, all of this was her's, but yet this was what she cared for most.  Slowly one slender hand brought the lid to the other and opened the bottle with a small pop before emptying a few pills into her hand.  With one motion the pills vanished behind her pale lips, and in minutes the world melted away, leaving Maris without a thought in her head.  Sadly for her she knew this would not last, but there were always more where those came from.
(I am 100% positive this is littered with flaws, so please go easy on it. First Jedi/Dark Jedi write up and all...)

[Res]

I was just glancing this over and thought I would help a little.

Force users that are not aligned with Sith or Jedi are considered Grey Jedi.

As for rank: she could be anywhere from an Initiate if she is new to the Order to a Master since she is over the age of 32.

Now to the states at first glance Shii-Cho is too low. You can't have any other saber form at a higher number than Shii-Cho. Also I'm going from personal experience here and what I've seen on other reviews, you got them spread too thin. Saber forms take a lot of dedication to master. Also Shii-Cho is the base for all other forms, if she hhasn't mastered that she probably have a harder time learning others. I suggest combining some to have two or three well trained forms.

As the other stats go, they look fine. Just rememeber, the higher the number more you have to explain in the bio.

Hope that helps, I'm not a mod so these are just suggestions and helpful advice.

[Valcor]

Thanks for the help! This really was a rough rough rough draft, and I must admit Jedi are not my strong suit since I am so unfamiliar with the intricacies.  Really any advice is helpful...

[Mal]

I agree with Res, though I'd like to add a couple things to stats.

Baseline human cannot have a physical stat above a six, and as for Force stats, you've gotta explain the eight in destruction very well. Also specialized Force skills need to be explained in the bio, I didn't see that.

And you can keep her as an unaligned Dark Jedi, she doesn't have to be a Sith. And the way it's read so far she is pretty Dark Side. That's pretty much all I see I think, a mod or NGT will take a better look and see if anything is missing.

[Valcor]

I figured the 10 years spent training in only those two was sufficient, but if i require more detail i will hop right on that.

[Rugs]

Jul 13, 2014 22:55:39 GMT -5 Mal said:

Baseline human cannot have a physical stat above a six

Cap is actually 7 x) just clearing that up

[Mal]

Jul 13, 2014 23:06:43 GMT -5 Rugs said:

Jul 13, 2014 22:55:39 GMT -5 Mal said:

Baseline human cannot have a physical stat above a six

Cap is actually 7 x) just clearing that up

Oops, I had heard it mentioned at six, my apologies for the mistake.

[Atlantean]

Jul 13, 2014 23:07:56 GMT -5 Mal said:

Jul 13, 2014 23:06:43 GMT -5 Rugs said:

Cap is actually 7 x) just clearing that up

Oops, I had heard it mentioned at six, my apologies for the mistake.

It was in one of the guides, but I think only in strength is there a "6" for female characters (probably the Jedi one, been around that forum most recently).

"5" is normal, "6" is peak for female humans/near-humans, and "7" is peak for male humans/near-humans. At least in some sections, a lot of the guides vary depending on the faction.

[Rugs]

Those are some leftovers that should've been cleared out. We'll check and see if we can get that all fixed up.

[Pembleton]

---

Appearance: 5’9” is well over average height for a US female.

Blonde hair does not turn black with age/dark side use - if you want her to have dark graying hair, prolly just start her out with dark hair and let her get old. :-P

Not sure what is meant by wearing robes around her neck? Like a shawl, or the tattered collar of the robes?

The only concrete reference to somebody’s Force Lightning use affecting them is Jacen Solo one time. (Palpatine was the victim of having his own lightning redirected to him, and also had been using a Force Mask to hide his appearance; using lightning didn't alter his appearance outright).

This could be expanded more overall.

Personality: Could also be expanded. Characters with drive are great, but even they aren’t one-track, one-speed. She used to be a very different person, describe what she used to be and how it changed.

Birthplace: I do not believe there is an upper city to be born in anymore. As far as Wookiee tells me, reconstruction of Taris began in canon just around this time (and that is in TOR, which we ignore anyways). I think that if anybody was living on Taris, they’d be living in the lower levels with the descendants of the Outcasts who survived during their quest for the Promised Land. And even then, that’s a serious stretch, because Wookiee notes that the Outcast descendants more or less were dead by the time the Republic got there, due to Rakghouls and toxic waste that they couldn’t handle. I’m gonna try and read your bio and replace “Taris” with “some city-planet” but if it’s a significant factor in the character’s development, you may need to revise pretty heavily.

Faction: An unaligned hardcore darksider is classified as a Dark Jedi. Ranks are available in the DJ Notes, so make sure you add one.

For future reference:
An unaffiliated light-sider or user of both light and dark sides is a Grey Jedi.
An unaffiliated dark-sider is a Dark Jedi.
A dark-sider who has, in the last 3ish years, approached the Order and requested membership is, obviously, a Sith.

Saber stats: You have so many points here that without reading the bio, I can tell you they’re not justified. Furthermore: You must have mastered 3 forms (including Shii-Cho) to have any points at all in Juyo, and you cannot start training in it until you’re Master-level. I understand that this spread may reflect a desire for versatility. That being the case, might I suggest a Niman focus with a few other points if you think your character can reasonably earn them? It’s the most well-balanced of the forms.

Force Stats: Destruction needs major explanation. I see a lil bit of explanation.

Bio: As stated, she was most definitely not born into a wealthy family on Taris. She probably wasn’t born on Taris.

I don’t believe the Jedi would honor that request by her parents. No contact means no contact.

I believe 13 is past the cutoff for Padawan acceptance, but it may be that they have the 13th year is the last one they have where they’re eligible.

Kidnappers took a former Jedi hostage? That’s…pretty hardcore. They better be some real elites, because even an aging Jedi is a pretty good match for most thugs (see also: that Yoda guy).

“This was a very delicate operation and one that was to be Maris' graduating mission to Knighthood”
I dunno if that’s precisely how it works, unless you mean that it would end up being her final Trial. But in that case, it probably wouldn’t be planned ahead of time that this particular mission be a trial.

Logically, tending to the wounded Jedi Master in subzero temperatures would be a better idea than trying to take on the kidnappers who probably think you’re already dead. To add a little push to make this logical, make Formaw’s injury a little more threatening and say she needed to get to the kidnappers’ base to call for evac.

Try to stay away from mid-bio dialogue.

The second part of this mission with the old guy is just kind of…strange. The guy dies, she goes back to Formaw, Formaw says “saw it coming” and they leave and she’s turned into a knight. No attempt to deal with these kidnappers (whom they then leave abandoned without a starship on freaking Hoth) whatsoever.

“Clearly business had been good on Taris as the home she arrived at was towering and massive”
Trust me, it really wasn’t all that good, and the home wasn’t all that big.

If something told her master she wasn’t meant to be a Jedi, why did he…train her to be a Jedi? He could have let her get sent to the Corps.

She didn’t see (or FEEL – she’s a Jedi) her husband still there when she was leaving? You said he was "broken," which I took to mean he wasn't going anywhere very soon.

I don’t know if you can permanently dye cloth with ash.

“Maris now resides on Taris”
…Does she, though?

Any mention of training in any stats at all is kind of shoved into the end and glazed over, would like to see actual backup for all those forms she’s got, and her giant Destruction stat. And all of her non-saber combat points. And...frankly, would like to see further proof that she's as intelligent as you say.


Good luck moving forward!

[Mal]

Jul 19, 2014 13:52:31 GMT -5 Pembleton said:

Blonde hair does not turn black with age/dark side use - if you want her to have dark graying hair, prolly just start her out with dark hair and let her get old. :-P

Blonde hair can turn dark, though I don't know about black, because I had blonde hair when I was young but now my hair is dark brown, almost black according to some but I just say dark brown.

Jul 19, 2014 13:52:31 GMT -5 Pembleton said:

I believe 13 is past the cutoff for Padawan acceptance, but it may be that they have the 13th year is the last one they have where they’re eligible.

I believe I read somewhere, though now I can't find it, that if a Padawan wasn't chosen by the time they were thirteen they were sent to the Medi-Corps or one of the other aid factions like that.

[Pembleton]

Jul 19, 2014 14:02:38 GMT -5 Mal said:

Jul 19, 2014 13:52:31 GMT -5 Pembleton said:

Blonde hair does not turn black with age/dark side use - if you want her to have dark graying hair, prolly just start her out with dark hair and let her get old. :-P

Blonde hair can turn dark, though I don't know about black, because I had blonde hair when I was young but now my hair is dark brown, almost black according to some but I just say dark brown.

Jul 19, 2014 13:52:31 GMT -5 Pembleton said:

I believe 13 is past the cutoff for Padawan acceptance, but it may be that they have the 13th year is the last one they have where they’re eligible.

I believe I read somewhere, though now I can't find it, that if a Padawan wasn't chosen by the time they were thirteen they were sent to the Medi-Corps or one of the other aid factions like that.

Let me say more bluntly, then, to the first point: What's the point of her having started off blonde and then become brunette? Probably makes more sense just to start her as a brunette and let her get old for your purposes, Val.

As to the second point:

"Most are chosen around age 11 or 12." and "As a rule on this site a character must be selected as a Padawan by 13. After this age the character would either be sent into lesser roles for the Jedi Order (such as the agricorps or the medicorps) or are on their own" (Jedi Section Notes)

The wording of these (The second quote says "after" age 13, which may mean either after 13th birthday or after you're done being 13; even at the same time as it says "by" age 13) seems ambivalent to me, I'm merely stating my uncertainty about it how much wiggle room they give.


I appreciate you trying to help out, Mal, but it may be more productive to do your own review rather than be the review-reviewer.

[Valcor]

Pembleton, your review made me laugh so hard XD, "Who they left abandoned on freaking Hoth" really helped point out quite a few plot holes i have yet to fill. Anyway, I'm working on edits right now should be done by later today. Changed the age to 10 when she became a padawan since that seems to be getting a lot of issues, changed the hair to grey instead of black, changed the arm scars to be burn marks from the explosion, editing out the dialog now, and gonna try and give more explanation for her force abilities. Just a request on the Lightsaber stats, could someone please change the application to state that 1 is not the lowest a stat can be, because i was under the impression that 1 meant untrained. Gracias Amigo

[Jenno]

Jul 19, 2014 14:24:09 GMT -5 Pembleton said:

The wording of these (The second quote says "after" age 13, which may mean either after 13th birthday or after you're done being 13; even at the same time as it says "by" age 13) seems ambivalent to me, I'm merely stating my uncertainty about it how much wiggle room they give.

Just to clarify for you, the Jedi/Padawan cut off is when they turn 13. And from my knowledge of it, it happens almost as soon as they turn 13. Could possibly go about a week or so over, but for some it actually happens on their 13th birthday, which is a bit soul-crushing, damn Jedi.

[Valcor]

Edited.

[Pembleton]

You've made some great progress with this, it's really coming together, but again I have to point out that *all* real mention of training is squished into a few paragraphs at the end, when obviously, Maris has been training more or less her entire life. I think most notably, you have 3 Saber stats mastered but barely a name-drop that I can recall.

Also, you have a paragraph about...*something* she does in the Force that makes people uncomfortable. To be quite honest, I have no idea what you're talking about, and the impression I get doesn't make sense. Something about how cutting herself off from the Force makes her more powerful in the Force? That worked for the Exile, but only because she was a Force Wound.

Your Destruction explanation doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Frankly, I just think your Destruction is too high, now that I think about the fact that she's only been a DJ for less than 10ish years. An 8 means years of dedicated practice, and yes you say she sat around in her parents' house for however long grinding her stats, but as I've said, that's kind of...not the best way to show us you're ready for a character as powerful as that. A character with high stats needs to *earn* those stats by showing where they came from in the bio, not just slip in a last-minute "oh yeah and she trained" to get the build you want.

Edit: And finally, I see little to no justification for the powers you have right now. However, I am very puzzled that you don't have Beast Control on there, given that that's one of the few powers/stats your bio is very clear about her learning.

[Valcor]

Edited. Replaced force lightening, with force hatred because i couldn't figure out a way that she would use that. (It seems i suffer from wrotestatsfirst syndrome XD) Added a bit of explanation for the force garbledeegook, and added a bit more on the training with Formaw.

[Pembleton]

Okay...okay. I am sorry to have to do this, but I think I found a few more problems.

First of all, regarding your abilities: The power you describe as Force Hatred sounds to me and the staff like more or less just a dark sider using Force Wave, and there's almost no lore on Force Hatred at all - it looks like putting a name to cosmetic effects from a bunch of different sources. Basically, this is probably something that is better to remove. I *don't* suggest replacing it with Force Wave, because that's a pretty high-level power and your Telekinesis doesn't justify it. Perhaps you can consider Force Crush as an alternative, if you make sure it's given several mentions beyond the last few years of the bio (we'll get to that).

I also made a little bit of a stupid mistake. Beast Control is justified in your bio, but it's not reflected by your Telepathy score. Maybe add some mention of her specializing in Telepathy with the Jedi so you have an excuse to make it your main Force stat.

There's really no justification for Force Rage at all, that I can see. It just sort of happens. She doesn't learn to harness it or anything.

Finally, you mention in your Force Gobbledegook that she produces an effect through Battle Meditation and Force Suppression. This would be a made-up power, and a cosmetic one, that is a mixture of a restricted and a forbidden power. Obviously, Force Suppression is a no-go, and if you want Battle Meditation, write Battle Meditation in there well enough that the Mods will allow it. Otherwise, just rely on the fact that she's a dark-sider and other Force-user can sense that on her, you don't need to make it an ability.

Your Saber Stats need still more explanation to be justified, and your unarmed/melee/ranged
scores are still unmentioned in the bio.

Basically, what I have to tell you is that you need a longer bio. You only describe one mission she went on as a Jedi before she left and took up the family life (where she wouldn't be developing skills, and would even lose the ones she couldn't practice, so she's already behind other DJ of her age), but there's a whole Padawanship and 10 years of Knighthood that are undescribed. Why don't you take a look at some Accepted Jedi Master or DJ/Sith Lords who are former Jedi, so that you can see what the typical progression is for characters of a similar age and rank, and then write up some missions where you can describe Maris attaining the skills and abilities you want for her? (Protip: Check the posted date on the examples you read and make sure they're not GFC'd - characters from a long time ago can have some craaaaaazy stats that are no longer allowed. I have made the mistake before. >.>)

[Valcor]

That's gonna take a while...

[Faeruy]

I'm just gonna butt in here a bit; What Pembleton says is good advice. Although I would probably say the unarmed/melee/ranged are low enough that they don't really need mentioning in the bio. Specialized Skills, such as Force Rage, and Beast Control do need some mention, and also the stats to support it. There's one more thing:

She promised him she would handle it well and officially left the Jedi temple with nothing but her lightsaber, robes, and enough credits to get to Corellia.

When you say "officially", do you mean she left the Jedi Order? That's what it sounds like according to the rest of the paragraph. Because if that's the case, she would have been asked to turn in her lightsaber when she left. If she didn't leave the Order until after she went home, well, she likely would have been hunted down and at least made to turn in her lightsaber - Jedi don't particularly like their tools and symbols being used by non-Jedi because of the chance that the tools would be used against them. It's an easy enough fix, since it's possible to make another one, but they wouldn't let her keep the one she made as a Jedi.