M'kay, well … There is a lot of review here already, and I haven't read all of it. Forgive me if I repeat points, but make the changes all the same, right-o? :3
First off, your spacing is wonky. Probably a side effect of lots of edits, but you might want to straighten it up for ease of reading. It makes your faction listing a little confusing, most of all.
Speaking of
faction, Sentinel isn't a Dark Jedi rank. Change that to one of the Dark Jedi options found in the section notes.
Lighsaber stuff looks okay, as it is now. On
Force Abilities, I'm a little curious if those ones have any purpose, as a zero represents no training in a discipline just fine. :3
Specialized Skills are okay, but do be careful in your edits. Many of Maris's uses of Battle Meditation seem more like uses of powerful Telepathy to me. Do keep in mind, in your future narrative, that Force Valor is a Lightside power and will be harder to manifest/less effective as a Dark Jedi.
Attributes are more-or-less fine but please remove the qualifier after Speed. We want only your base stats in this section.
Alright. Bio.
First off, the Jedi wont take children without the consent of their parents. Crying, clinging, and force does not sound like consent to me. Also, how old is Maris when this happens?
Niggling little detail, but youngling would be the appropriate term. :3
Your youngling section is very, very short. Consider adding a little more depth about how she interacted with other children, what she expected to learn and all that.
While it is understandable that Maris's master wanted to keep her out of danger, this is simply not how the Order operates. It's a dangerous life, being a professional warrior monk n' all.
Consider that even if she's not involved in direct combat for some time, that she should still be traveling with and learning from her master.
I am intensely confused about Maris's initial use of Battle Meditation. For one, it doesn't apply to animals and it doesn't make people calm. It's a morale boost, and a negative hit to morale for your enemies. Consider it uhm... Something like a psychic pep rally. XP
wut. Jedi racial profiling. Not something you have to change - but a little bit odd.
What you're describing here isn't Battle Meditation, but a base use of Telepathy.
Just pointing out that directly after you write this, you say ten years have gone by.
Somewhat contradictory.
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Jedi don't retire. If this is referring to the fact that he's married … Well, Jedi don't marry and stay Jedi.
Again, during the escape, this is not how Battle Meditation works, but more high level Telepathy. Keep in mind that the power is not a catch all for emotional manipulation through the Force, but a combat technique.
I'd like a little more detail about how this experience covers all of her Jedi trails, and what it means to the character beyond just making her question the Jedi on the subject of romantic love.
While it is possible to promote a knight to master without training a padawan, I'm not really seeing anything worthy of that honor here. She's busy and does what the Order expects of her, but that's not truly
exceptional. Also, if anything, a promotion to Master at the minimum age for consideration would make her much more busy, not less!
The only proper reward for a job well done is another job, right? In addition, the remainder of her actions within the Order are easily accomplished as a Knight.
Also, I'd like to see something about why she doesn't take a padawan in all this time. A student would represent a permanent tie to the Order – it's often a lifelong friendship for many Jedi.
I'd hardly call that alone.
Okay, no. You really do need to give up any and all sabers when you leave the Jedi Order. It's easy enough to say you built another further down the road.
I do like the reunion with her family and the examination of her feelings.
What does it mean to be happy and all that. Kudos!
Specify age a little more clearly during the section on Mandalore and after, please. She leaves the Order at 33, but I'm having a hard time finding an age reference after that.
… But you can't control animals with Battle Meditation and she doesn't have Beast Control.
This is impossible with your previous time line. Even if everything else is accomplished almost instantaneously, you still have to allow some time for those pregnancies. :3 Easy enough fix, though. Just reduce the number here.
Alrighty,
roleplay sample looks okay, barring some further confusion about Beast Control.
Thank you for reading and please let me know when you've made these changes. :3 If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
Consider that even if she's not involved in direct combat for some time, that she should still be traveling with and learning from her master.
I'd hardly call that alone.
