Fae

[Astral]

Name:Fae Vixen
Race:Cathar/Myr Rho
Age:19
Height:5' 2"
Weight:120lb

Appearance:


A descendant of the Cathar sub species Myr Rho Fae looks more like a human than she does a regular Cathar as is the norm for her subspecies. She looks more human than cat. Other than the clearly feline ears, the slit golden eyes, retractable claws, and slim sharp teeth she appears totally human. Nearly devoid of hair other than the head and ears Fae's smooth skin would fool any blind person into thinking she was a human.

Fae's ear fur and hair are all white. Her straight, silky, and always well groomed hair(normally in a braid) stretches out all the way to her ample hips. Equipped with flawless skin, a curvy figure, and a D-cup bust Fae's natural beauty is considered angel like for most.

Personality:
Fae loves people and talking. She also isn't overly fond of destructive violence though she does enjoy fighting but more for recreation.

Fae is a rather obedient Padawan. However there are a couple things she has a hard time doing. She has a very hard time calling anyone master. If she can get away with it she would much rather call her superiors by their names. She also has a hard time with attachment as well as her emotions. She finds she doesn't want to do anything unless she has some connection to it. Fae is not selfish though. In fact she is a good deal selfless.

Being so concerned with her training and hardly giving much time to anything else Fae's contact with the outside world has been rather limited. As such her natural beauty hasn't caused any problems as of yet. It isn't something Fae is prideful of but she does enjoy the comments here and there. In truth Fae tries to stay away from the outside world. Some of the looks she gets are very unsettling primarily from the male population. As such she prefers to keep exclusively female company.

As for Fae's thoughts on the war she hates it and hopes she never has anything to do with it.

Fae trains in both the force and in saber combat relatively equally. She loves both aspects of the Jedi. Fae prefers the Soresu style but has also recently began training in the Ataru style and Makashi syle.

Birth place:Cathar

Faction: Jedi
Rank:Padawan

Lightsaber:A standered saber designed similarly to Qui-Gon Jins because his saber is awesome.
Color:Green

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho 3
Makashi N/A
Soresu 2
Ataru 1
Shien / Djem So N/A
>>Sub-form Backhanded 
Niman N/A
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield 
Juyo N/A
Double Bladed Combat 

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 1
Telepathic: 3
Body: 3
Sense: 6
Protection: 1
Healing: 0
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 6
Leadership: 4

Unarmed: 7
Melee Weapons: 3
Ranged Weapons: 2

Bio:
Fae's mother once was a jedi however she had been expelled from the order due to persistent rule breaking normally associate with violent matters as well as trouble with attachments. Returning to her home world she got together with Fae's father unlike the majority of their race was rather docile. Together they made a family and Fae was born along with a number of brothers and sisters.

Fae was a little unique from her other siblings. She was an albino or at least partially so. Her hair and ear fur contained no pigment and was totally white. The other parts of her however such as her skin and eyes retained their pigmentation. She was also the only one in her litter who was force sensitive which was quickly identified by her mother. A debate began among Fae's parents on if she should be sent to the jedi order. Her father thought it would be a good idea and was under pressure by the community to do so. Sending their gifted children to the jedi order was a common practice. Fae's mother on the other hand was against it. She argued that Fae wouldn't be able to follow the orders principles, not with her as Fae's mother anyways. She was certain Fae would have the same problems as she did as Fae seemed to have inherited her beauty and emotional sensitivity. She insisted she train Fae herself at home where she belongs. A decision was never reached.

When Fae was 3 she was stolen by slavers. Her mother had been away on a hunting trip and her father couldn't do anything against the well equipped assailants. They took all the girls and left. She was sold into slavery for an impressive price. Cathars were prized slaves and the younger the better. Easier to mold into whatever their master wants. If the master has the patience for it that is.

For 2 years Fae was a slave. Her master had planned to turn her into a body guard but he hasn't found a training program he liked yet. For now her duties were simple things like cleaning and washing clothing. This all changed though when by chance Fae's master stumbled upon a jedi in a chance meeting. She was with them at the time carrying some belongings for him. The jedi quickly discovered Fae's connection with the force. He began negotiating her release with her master. Fae's master however prized her even more that she had struck the interest of a jedi. In the end the jedi was unable to arrange a deal. The two returned to the masters ship. In the dead of night Fae snuck out to find the jedi. She did not like the life of a slave. She felt like she didn't know how to do anything nor did she have any freedom. Play was a word she hadn't been able to fully grasp. Speaking of words she was behind in her ability to speak compared to her peers. As well as other things. Every way you look at it she hated her current life. Through chance or as Fae would later understand the will of the force she found him and was taken to begin training.

Fae hadn't know what to expect but one thing was for sure she loved this new life far more. She quickly caught up to her peers and even surpassed them in a few areas. Fae's mind was greatly expanded.

Despite Fae's race she wasn't very aggressive at all. This isn't to say she didn't enjoy a fight here and there, it wasn't her only focus though. Fae trained and trained and surprised her teachers. She wasn't the greatest swords women or force user but she was an excellent conversationalist. She had a certain charm about her that made people want to be around her. She was also very good at defusing sticky situations with negotiations. Always Fae preferred to talk her way out of a confrontation rather than resort to violence. Though fighting was still something Fae enjoyed to do.

RP Sample:

Fae was in a quiet room of white. Many comfy chairs were stationed around the room. The room was meant to be quiet it was the meditating room and Fae came here to use it for what it was meant. Though Fae wasn't didn't neglect her training in the force meditating wasn't something she liked to do. It always brought up unfamiliar memories that had attached to them strong emotions. She didn't like meditating for this reason and tried to avoid it. Fae though decided to give it another shot and try to seriously work through the problems she was having with it.

Sitting cross legged Fae tried to silence her mind. Something she was actually fairly good at some times. Really it depended on the day. Generally the day had gone pretty well but Fae was still having a difficult time silencing her mind. She was full of fear. 

After some breath control exercises she was ready. Soon images began popping up. There was a room a living room to a humble family home one she was not familiar with. It had a primitive feel to it. The walls were made out of some sort of wood and on the walls were mounted animal heads like trophys. Suddenly a man entered the picture. What was most interesting about this man was he was the same species as Fae herself not the common Cathar but less common subspecies same one as Fae. The man looked worried or more like panicked. He turned around and began rushing children out of view. Suddenly Fae felt a large amount of fear building. The door to the outside was burst in and men armed with guns began rushing in. One of them approached Fae and picked her up. The man brought her out of the building. Inside she could see the man trying to fight off the intruders. There was a great mixture of fear and sadness within her. She heard gun shots and was snapped back into reality sweating, breathing heavily, and crying. Fae didn't know if she could do that again.

[Thaddeus]

Hey Astral! 

Welcome to SWU, glad to have you here, I will be conducting the impossibly difficult and nigh-unpassable review of your application. Hehe. No I kid of course, but let’s hop to it shall we?

Name, Race, Age, Height, and Weight are all fine.

Appearance you mention a few things twice, for instance:

“…Fae looks more like a human than she does a regular Cathar as is the norm for her subspecies. She looks more human than cat.”

Not really necessary to say the same thing twice. Apart from that I would like to see a bit more detail here, appearance is where people who are writing with you will be going to first and most often so give them plenty to work with; this can include such things as how she moves, whether she follows the latest fashions, could even include things like whether she likes a particular perfume. In short give people as much to work with as you can.

Personality needs a little bit of work, to begin at the bottom and work my way up just to be different, the inclusion of the saber styles and Force skills seems a little unnecessary. Now I am not saying don’t include them there, but make it relevant to the personality of the character. Does she like Soresu because she is demur and defensive, or Ataru because she is excitable and athletic? Does she enjoy meditating and studying the Force because she is naturally inclined to esoteric and metaphysical things? At the moment they are just seemingly sitting there with little to do with the personality, so either make them relevant or cut them.

You say she hates war, and yet earlier in the personality you say she enjoys fighting which is a little bit contradictory. Make it clearer as to why she would enjoy sparring and not warfare. Also why does she hate war, and how does this hatred of warfare (also what to her is war?) affect her personality: does it make her slower to anger, is she more timid, does she run away from conflict, etc.? Again this is something that just needs to be made relevant to personality.

You say she is exceptionally focused on her training as a Jedi, but again how does this relate to her personality? Why does she focus on it, what part of her makes her so single-minded? You also mention how she is prideful about her attractiveness, but again how does this relate to her personality? Why isn’t she? If she is so gosh darn angelic why hasn’t she noticed? Also you mention she prefers female company, again though how does this relate to her personality? Does she feel weak and vulnerable compared to men? Which if so then asks another question: why? She is a Jedi after all.

As a padawan she is apparently obedient, but refuses to follow basic decorum – nothing wrong with that – but again why? Why is she obedient in every other way but this? Does she prefer names because of her emotional attachments? Which then leads me on nicely to the emotional attachment bit, which is something while standard still needs explaining – especially to make it more unique to your character. What sort of emotions, why does she have difficulty, how has she reacted to the Jedi trying to tell her to avoid attachments, etc.?

Finally you mention that she isn’t selfish, but is in fact selfless. How so? Where does she draw the line? Where for her does self-interest become selfishness, and how if she has a problem with attachments remain selfless?

I know that seems like a myriad of things to work on, but really it isn’t that much, and it can all be summarised by simply saying: avoid making statements that aren’t explained as being relevant to their personality. For example I could say, “Thaddeus is arrogant” but that would not be enough for a personality section nor for you reading it, because instantly you are thinking: “Okay, but how is he arrogant? And why?”

Birth place, Faction, Rank are all solid.

Lightsaber, while I agree with you avoid the subjective statement of

“Qui-Gon Jin’s because his saber is awesome.”

Describe the hilt a little, you can even include a link to a picture, is it austere, practical, or ornate? Doesn’t have to be very detailed.

Colour is all solid.

I will come back to the Practiced Lightsaber forms, Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices, Specialised Skills, and Attributes after having a captain cook at the bio.

Righto onto the bio. A first note, and this goes not just for the bio but it is most important here, run over things and double check for spelling and grammar. Naturally nobody is perfect (chances are I have a few typos in this review), but always worth doing your best.

Pressing on the first thing that I notice is that you have Fae’s mother saying,

“She was certain Fae would have the same problems as she did as Fae seemed to have inherited her beauty and emotional sensitivity.”

Now at this point in the bio Fae is a newborn infant, having had the displeasure of having known several mewling spawn of men I can say safely that the young of any species do not display emotional sensitivity. What they display is a desire for food, warmth, and being clean, and that is it. Also to be honest you cannot tell from birth that someone is going to be stunning, all infants are podgy little balls of fat, because that is what they need to be to survive.

Also generally it seems like her mother is somewhat important to your character so I would suggest actually going into a bit more detail about her mother, her time in the Order, the exact details of why she left, etc. It is rare for Jedi to have had parents in the Order, ancestors yes, but biological parents are rare. Given this you will need to flesh out the mother somewhat, including a name, as she is going to be important.

Next up we have Fae being taken as a slave, okay fair enough though I will say that generally 3 year olds are more trouble than they are worth and given that they can barely count or run properly aren’t going to make the best slaves. This period of her life though would have had a massive impact on her, and yet the affect it had on her is not at all mentioned. How did she react to being torn away from her parents? What happened to her siblings? In general this whole period of her life is rather empty, when it should and could be a chance to really explain parts of her personality; for instance is she so attached to people because she is afraid of losing them like she did when she became a slave?

Think of the biography not merely as the chronology of events in her life, but also the chance to explain who she is. People are the products of the events in their life; we are not born fully formed, but instead are weathered and smoothed by the process of time. So in the biography show this, show how her personality came into being, how Fae became Fae. Do not waste a single line.

Back to the bio though you then have her escaping, setting aside the physical limitations of a 5 year old I have a bigger question: why did she escape? There is no indication that she knew who the Jedi were, that she liked the Jedi master, or any other number of things. Remember she is 5 years old, for a 5 year old which is scarier: the man who feeds you and keeps you, albeit not letting you play, or the complete stranger who wanted to buy you? Getting back to the physical limitations thing, a 5 year old escaping from a slaver is a bit of a stretch without any detail. I am not saying it can’t be done, especially with her being Force-sensitive and so being able to sense things (i.e. be a bit luckier about choosing the right hallway or door), but you need to give detail to make it plausible. Otherwise I am getting images of a 5 year old leading a great escape ala Steve McQueen style. And that brings me to another question raised here, you mention she has difficulty with attachments and makes emotional connections easily, if so surely she would have made friends with other slaves? And given that how does she so easily leave them?

Okay you then just have one paragraph with very little detail about her transition to the Temple, and then another paragraph about her training. This really needs to be expanded, massively, as this is a dramatic change in life for her. She goes from being a slave to being an equal in the galaxy’s greatest and most respected order of Force-users, how would she feel about this? Then there are questions about how her personality transfers, the attitudes necessary in a slave to thrive are not the same as those needed in a Jedi. Also how did she get on with other younglings, was she used to other young people or had she been kept in isolation? You mention she avoids conflicts, this is a good start, but you need to build up much more detail here. Also you say she is an excellent conversationalist, why? Being chatty is not something that is encouraged in slaves generally, or by the general experience of being enslaved. And again you repeat a few of the contradictions from the personality section.

All in all then the bio needs a bit of work, but it shouldn’t take long, just remember more detail is good. Whenever you write something in the bio, read it back to yourself and if it makes you ask a question be sure to put the answer in the bio. Use every line and event in her life to explain who she is, because every line in the bio and event in her life makes her who she is.

Right back to the stats.

Practiced Lightsaber forms are pretty good, though I would say just pick one style after Shii-Cho for her. Look at the styles, see which one’s philosophy suits her, and go with that. Whether that is Soresu or Ataru or one of the other’s I do not know, but whichever one you pick that can get a 2.

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices for the most part are okay, the only one I have issue with is Sense. There is literally nothing in the bio to explain why it is so high, and given her other Force abilities it would seem that this is exceptional for her. So I would suggest dropping this to a 5, which while average does reflect the fact that for her current level of training it is above average. However this will require some mention in the bio.

Attributes righto these are going to need a bit of tweaking. Strength is fine, as is speed, however the intelligence stat is astoundingly high. Again there is nothing in the bio to justify it, so I would bring this down to 5. Now leadership, you mention she is particularly social and gets along with people well, with a few mentions in the bio of how she gets along with people (perhaps by avoiding an argument) I would actually be fine with this going up to 5.

Unarmed again is ridiculously high, with no mention in the bio, and Jedi training tends not to cover unarmed combat. So really I would suggest dropping this down to a 0, or if you mention in the bio a couple of instances where she gets into a fight (though again this will need to make sense both chronologically and psychologically) then I would be fine with it at a 1 or 2. Melee I would drop to a 2 to be honest, as lightsaber combat doesn’t really carry over into melee combat, but having the basics of footwork from Shii-Cho would justify a 1 or 2. Ranged weapons again without a mention should probably go down to a 1 or 0.

And that is all from me for now. You have some nice bones here, just a bit of beefing up and adding detail to things, and you should be all good to go. Once you have made the changes and edits I have suggested just post a reply saying you are ready for another review, and I or someone else from the staff/mods/NGT will come along and peruse.

If you have any questions generally feel free to drop me a PM, and hopefully I will see you around and writing on the site soon.

Thad

[Neology]

Moved to incomplete.