The Fretful Calm (Dutch)

[DreadPirateMike]

It was raining. For that alone, Jaidan might have come.

Happily, it rained often on Seraphim, at least in the season of Renewal. At such a time, it seemed important to return here as often as possible, not in spite of, but in light of the war which would demand his return before long. As the starways burned with spite, and his torch burned as brightly as all the others, it was good to come and be reminded that even if he didn't survive this conflict, it was all the same a passing thing. The cycle of life and death lay ultimately beyond the power of Jedi or Sith to long disrupt, and sooner or later, the balance would shift out there, just as it did here. But in truth, even robbed of such philosophical weight, the rain, the sound and the smell of it, the way that the grey sky seemed to make colors more vivid against it, had been a source of calm and solace for him as long as he could remember.

And right now, Jaidan Shatani sought solace. Never before could he recall bringing his anxiety back from the battlefield. For that matter, he couldn't truly recall having any to bring back. The fight, be it to the pain or the death, was not a source of disquiet. Adrenaline, certainly, but for him, it was a spiritual affair as much as anything else, an unbreakable connection to the core of who and what he was. And so it HAD been, during the battle itself. But since Tibrin, as the doubt set in, spurred on by an unfamiliar but entirely palpable foreboding...it was unnerving, to be assailed with weakness from the place of his greatest strength. And so far, while he did not question the necessity of seeking out other wisdom on the matter, the impending meeting he'd requested did not seem to be helping matters.

How many times now had he stood upon the white stones of this great walkway out from the temple, his awe at the majesty of the city itself and the beauty of the vista stretching out before him undiminished in the slightest by repetition? Yet now, as he walked these same stones, he could not help but be reminded of how worrisome the journey down a much more modest temple hallway on Coruscant seemed to a Youngling, summoned to a Master's chambers for some small infraction. Worse yet, he wasn't even certain if he should fault himself for making that connection. He'd not been summoned here, no, yet from a certain perspective, he was here to discuss a failing. Very likely, a grave one.

What did he hope for from this? Rebuke? Absolution? Maybe some cryptic philosophy, that he could beat his head against until he remembered that he was a man of action, and should seek his center in that as he always had instead of indulging in this stupid fretting?

Such things were, of course, of little consequence to his feet, which soon ate up the distance without concern for the substance of his thoughts. Throwing back his hood as he came under the white awning sheltering the prepared spot at the pointed cliff's edge, he knelt and took a deep breath. The first of many, as he took a minute to contemplate the view.

It really WAS quite spectacular. Indisputably larger than any one man's concerns, no matter how many others might be drawn into those concerns.

"Thank you for meeting with me, Master Caelum." he began finally, his voice calm at least. "It was agreeable to find that your presence here coincided with my own. Even so, I know your obligations, and they are not few."

[Dutch]

Levin sat upon a stone bench at the edge of the awning. Back turned to Jaidan, his cool grey eyes surveyed the spanning vista before him. The fields had long filled with water, leaving Seraphim with a mirrored sheen to the landscape. He would breath in slowly, the clean scent of wet stone filling his senses. His robes were surprisingly dry given the heavy rain, Levin’s cloak folded at his right on the bench. Levin shifted to serenely turn his gaze back to the kneeling man behind him.

“Sit.” The Jedi simply replied, a gesture of his chin given to the only vacant spot on the bench to Levin’s left. Without another word he turned back to admiring the vista, a slow exhale given as the Force ebbed gently around them. Even after Jaidan joined him, Levin remained silent for several moments. He would merely stare out into the storm, and the empty city streets that spiraled below the pair. Levin would sigh and moved both hands to clasp together. The Jedi slouched forward, resting both arms on knees as he shifted to sit more comfortably.

“I come to Seraphim often. The legacy I’ve studied under have a history here. My Master used to bring us here to train, just as her Master used to bring her. To condition our bodies and minds alike.” Levin began, a note of gentle fondness given to his smooth tenor tone. “From what I understand, Arik Han put you through similar rigors.”

[DreadPirateMike]

Levin could take all the time he liked to address Jaidan's reason for seeking him out; it troubled him not. It was true, of course, that silence would draw out his anxiety, but drawn out could sometimes mean drawn thin. Besides, gazing out upon the magnificence of the great city brought comfort of another sort, and a somewhat more direct response to his dark turn of mind. This was, among other things, a place of great and towering strength. And that return to balance, that end to darkness and slaughter which he had assured himself was inevitable, would require strength. Strength of will, strength of character...and the plain old brute force kind.

But when Master Caelum DID choose in his own time to speak, Jaidan was glad of it. The older man's description of his time here and its purpose was brief and basic, without embellishment, yet it came across no less clear for it that those had been happy years. The Echani found himself smiling softly, never having been a witness to the events in question, but something of the fond nostalgia carried. When Levin DID deliberately draw a parallel to Jaidan's own experience, however, the smile was replaced with the arched brows of mild surprise. He'd not heard his Master's name spoken aloud by another Jedi in some years now, the mild scandal of his departure from the Order all but forgotten these days. The surprise was not unpleasant, however, and the comment certainly merited consideration.

"I...suppose that is so. The actual curriculum, I suspect, differed quite a bit. And the scenery was not always so grand as this. But broadly, yes. The violence which shapes the cultural life of my people is well known, but poorly understood. Every blow is couched not simply in technique, but in a broader framework encompassing the moral, philosophical, at times even the spiritual. Truly understanding all that was very much a mental exercise. But for all that, it's still violence. He understood there was never any way of guiding me through it gently."

It was Jaidan's turn, then, to lapse into silence for a few long moments, a frown taking hold as those memories blended into others, old and recent both.

"If I may...if you know of Arik Han, then you must surely know what he's most remembered for. There are those of our Order who have suspected, even if most would never be so impolitic to SAY it, that my old Master had a somewhat seditious plan for me from the beginning. Neither his decision to court my mother, nor her acceptance came out of nowhere, and he had trained with her for years before he ever approached me. For us, that can LITERALLY be a courtship. So, if I may seem at times Echani first and Jedi second, then it follows for some that this was because Arik Han's heart and mind dwelt on Eshan already."

He'd continued to gaze out upon the mirrored fields as this exposition gathered momentum. But his gaze sought Levin's now, not quite defiant and not quite anything else.

"They know nothing of Arik Han. It was important to him that I understood, really understood what I was, and where I came from. But when he took a Padawan, he also made a promise to guide me in my life as Jedi, and he valued that obligation no less. He knew the weight of the dual responsibility he shouldered. He didn't know for certain when he began if he could truly honor them both, but he did not shrink from trying. That, I think, has always been true courage for me."

Having at last come to his point, or nearly, he visibly deflated just a bit. His gaze returned once more to the horizon, and his voice had lost its fire again when he finished a moment later.

"I feel that recently, I have perhaps finally been tested as he was tested. And I'm honestly not sure if I acquitted myself as well."

[Dutch]

“This war,” Levin began. He took a second to contemplate the right wording for the rest of the sentence. “Is challenging all of us, in ways I don’t think any Jedi has been prepared to face.”

Levin certainly wasn’t prepared for Vendaxa, and the discovery of an awakened Darth Novus. Nor the challenge that came with the chain in the Force they forged; equal parts fate, temptation and infatuation. Terribly undeniable and curiously deepening. His thoughts began to get hazy, and his scalp would tingle before a light shiver fell down the Jedi’s back. Always whenever Levin thought of Lidah, and multitudes worse when in her presence. Hers was the gift to turn a keen minded Jedi Master into an inquisitive and infatuated padawan.

When they touched, his resolve always heated malleable. Everything about Novus became irrefutably irresistible.The curve of her smirk, the light scratch of nails over his abdomen and hiss of her gasp in his ear all memories that only grew a thirst for more. Darth Novus was the one drug the Jedi was unable to purge. The one despite every logical thought denied, was entirely undeniable. He did care for Lidah, and feared for her safety among the vipers of Korriban. Yet she wouldn't leave them. In the Empire she had found something, and that something kept her there. Something still unknown to him, but didn't seem the usual simple desire to conquer the known galaxy.

Realizing he had become lost in thought, Levin coughed uncomfortably and shielded his mind further. Dangerous thoughts. Thoughts that could risk more than Levin was willing to. All this time he had been able to keep the affair and Force Chain that linked himself and the Sith from the Order. Kept it separate, kept it safe in his thoughts. The warm nostalgia brought on by the Jedi fortress seemed to momentarily soften those stern mental lines. His war-weary mind was beginning to fatigue.

“I don’t think our Masters could fare much better than us.” He suggested, sure to keep the subject on point. “After all, they never had to deal with the Sith. Those ridiculous Aristocrats at times maybe. Not this legion of former comrades, twisted monstrosities and tainted adepts spurned by the Jedi.”

Levin turned to regard Jaidan, now more confident that his thoughts wouldn’t betray him. The knight was a unique case, and seemingly unaware of his value as an Echani-trained Jedi General.

“In the face of that. I say Arik Han passed that courage on well.”