Drax Terrand [C]

[ℜℯT̶̶R̶̶A̶̶K̶̶K̶S̶]

[**NOTE: If you find any bad grammer or wording, I'm sorry in advance. I didn't feel like taking the time to overlook my long writing passages.]

Race: Human	Allegiance: Mandalorian
Age: 25 yrs.	Status: Interrogater Mandalorian Hunter
Birthplace: Shogun	Rank: Clan Terrand Member, Hunter, Interrogator

Height:: 6'3 ft.
Weight: 210 lbs
Appearance:

SPOILER: Click to show

Drax Terrand hardly ever takes off his helmet, which causes his cosmetic complexion to be well unknown. Amongst his compatriots however, some assume he has white hair, pastel white skin, and red eyes, almost a ghost from children's nightmares. Though, this is wrong, which Drax denies such assumed appearance. Drax's appearance will always remain unknown, unless he's forced to. But being who he is, that will never happen. Though, even though others have never scene his face, Drax has black hair with cold grey eyes, and dark tan skin.

Drax's black hair is the color of a raven's feathers, His hair is kinda long, but he manages to pull it into a small pony tail on back side of his head. Since nobody really gets to see his face, he doesn't care very much about the style. His hair's pigment and style blends in perfectly with his dark skin. During most of his younger years, Drax had been a rough-house boy, so Drax has various scars on his hands and knees from various childhood injuries. His face has slight freckles, but only enough to give him a peculiar feel to his jerk personality. Drax maintains a clean shave as often as he can, which is one of the few times he ever takes his helmet off. His eyes however say otherwise about him, which the light pigment indicates both his youth and personality.

Clothing Wise, Drax wears Beskar armor made of Mandalorian Iron, plating made of Lanthanide and Duranlium, a thin layer- about a millimeter in width- of Neuranium, Cortosis-weave armor, and impacted shock panels. The armor is designed to take as many hits as possible, and to give Drax the kind of protection to have 'fun'. The Mandalorian Iron, Lanthanide and Duranlium alloy, and neuranium layers are what protects him, being the first, second, and third layer in his armor. The installed and compacted shock panels give him resistance to EMP related weapons and electricity. Drax's helmet, apart from the armor layers, has a fourth layer of Rhodium, just to prevent any kind of head or face injuries. Drax's visor is made of tinted transparisteel. Decorative wise, Drax has spikes embedded on his shoulder pads and forearms. Though they are intended for decoration, Drax likes to use them to spike his enemies in unarmed combat.

Drax's armor is painted in crimson, pasty white, light blue, and navy blue- and due to long years of combat- the paint has various chips and nicks it. on the side of his left forearm plate, Drax has tally marks that counts how many jedi's he's killed, which the total is currently two.


Personality:

Drax is considered to be one of the most vile and predatory soldiers amongst his profession, and holding a pride that others wouldn't be able to keep. According to both his compatriots and allies, Drax is a low toned version of a sadistic predator, using both weapons and words as his ammunition. He's almost like an evil villain out of your favorite comic book, who seems almost like the average guy, yet can be twisted when he wants to be. Drax claims to be a jedi killer, having a small death count in which he keeps track of.

When meeting Drax for the first time, Drax can be found on a mandalorian related business, or elsewhere that requires his assistance. He upon first glance is rather neutral, and looks like any other mandalorian.

Drax is pretty unique with whatever responses, threats, or insults come at him, which can irritate others. Most of the time, when something is launched at him- whether it be to charm him or insult him, he'll come back with something 'on edge', or build off the person's previous comment and make it back fire on them. Drax does this to humor himself, and purposely make a situation escalate. Though, there can be the few incidents where it's accidental, and Drax will attempt to knock down the argument or dispute. Though, no matter how hard he tries, it ends with him accidently starting off a heated argument, or the occasional fight.

Though he hardly even is exposed to such feelings, emotions such as sadness or love don't come to Drax as easily compared to others. Since the death of his father not to long ago, Drax has attempted to permanently eliminate any form of these select emotions. Though, no matter how hard he ignores them, they are still there. This proves to be a personality flaw, no matter how hard he tries to deny it.

Drax can be a severe thorn in the side when he's angry, which he sets himself on a mission to make that person's life a living nightmare. It will be his mission to kill the disliked person, and to do so at any limit, unless he receives an apology. If it comes to the point where he doesn't receive one, or it's a case where he can't forgive that person, he'll kill them.

Ships/Vehicles: Starkiller (Longhaul All-Purpose Transport)

Equipment:
Artillary Weaponry
- Mandalorian Heavy Blaster
- Standard Stun Pistol
- Silenced Handguns
- EDF-x Shotgun
- KR-34c Blaster Carbine


Melee Weaponry
- A Beskad
- Throwing Knives [ If thrown properly, the small grenade implanted in the hilt of the knife will detonate upon impact of the target, causing a small explosion of shrapnel.]
- Armor Spikes

Explosive Weaponry
- Grenades [Types: EMP, Shrapnel, Stun]
- Sticky Bombs [Types: Standard]
- Explosive Knives

Apparel:
- Beskar'gam Armor [Full Set]
- Rocket Boots [Equivilant of a jetpack]

Gadgets:
- Custom Beskar'gam Helmet

• Comm Link Interceptor
• Nightvision Visor Setting
• Heat Sensor Visor Setting
• High Speed Reactor Visor Setting
• Audio Enhancement Voice Box

- Forearm Gauntlet Tracker Computer [Very small and ranged]
- Utility Belt
- Back Holsters
- Side Holsters

Stats:

Strength: Above Average
Agility: Average
Intelligence: Above Average
Charisma: Below Average [Due to being a merciless jerk XD]

Combat Training: (Unskilled, Novice, Apprentice, Adept, Expert, Master)
- Smack Talking and Intimidation [Expert]
- Artillery/Gun Weapons [Adept]
- Hand-to-Hand Combat [Adept]
- Melee [Adept]
- Parkour and Agility [Adept]
- Explosives [Apprentice]
- Battlefield Related Observing [Apprentice]
- Blocking and Disarming [Apprentice]
- Stealth [Apprentice / Novice]
- Weapon Acclimating [Novice]
- Tactics and Strategy [Novice]


Other Training:
[ **NOTE: If I need to add more to this list, please tell me ]
- Torture and Interrogation [Adept]
- Verbal Manipulation [Adept]
- Piloting [Apprentice]
- Observing [Apprentice]
- Socializing [Apprentice / Novice]
- Voice Mocking [Novice]

Biography:
[ **Note: If this is horrible, and is so inaccurate to site lore, events, or location referances, I'm so sorry XD I'm doing the best I can with whatever SW knowledge I have XP [and Wookipedia, the only source I can rely on current XD] ]

Drax Terrand was primarily an accident, being the only son of two human Clan Terrand Members. Many days before Drax's birth, His father had gone to Bonadan to meet an old friend. While seeking passage to Tatooine for Drax's determined birth date, Drax's parents were forced to have Drax born on Shogun due to his early arrival. While giving birth, Drax's mother died during childbirth, due to some difficulties during birth. Drax's father, Chaz Terrand, was forced to raise his only son by himself. Shortly after Drax's birth, Chaz, Drax, and his mother's remains were transported to Tatooine, which is where Drax would live most of his early life.

The Clan Terrand was mostly settled within the rocky canyons, which the select surrounding influenced Drax throughout most of his early years. At a very early age, about the age of three or four, Drax began to learn the ways of the Mandalorian warrior. Drax grew to be more skilled in the verbal manipulation field, though he did excel in weapons and melee like all Mandalorian.

From what Drax was told, Clan Terrand did have some small disputes with The Hutt Cartel, Though, even before Drax's birth, Clan Terrand and The Hutt Cartel made a deal to avoid any conflict: The Clan would avoid any kind of trouble within there territories, and in return, they'd be able to stay in there small settlement within the remote areas of Tatooine.

Drax's life as a Mandalorian was normal until he turned 13. Upon the year 3612 BBY (I hope the date's right 0-0), another small dispute between the Hutt Space and Clan Terrand arose. Only this time, a small amount of fighting evolved in the sandy dry landscape. Due to some ideas for expanding, the Hutt Space needed to build a fort of some sort near the Clan Terrand settlement. Accusing the Hutt Space of violating the there agreement, a two year conflict caused some blood to be spilt. Though Drax was 13 when it began, and 15 when it ended, Drax took apart of the action. This is mostly where Drax picked up on his interrogation skills, as well as hunting skills. Drax never actually faced any full on battle situations, but he did go on small plots with his father, mostly consisting of tracking groups of Hutt Cartel men, or counter-attacking small groups of men. If any managed to survive, Drax and his father would take him or her and interrogate them for more information, and pick up again. To Drax, from what he could remember, It was like an ever lasting circle of information and learning.

Though lives on both sides were lost during the small conflict, Clan Terrand suffered more from the losses, which there Clan's numbered shrunk to small dwindling numbers. So, in order to avoid being entirely destroyed, Clan Terrand and 16 year old Drax left Tatooine for the stars.

Despite being one of the smallest Clans at the time, Clan Terrand was one of the clans to help assist the sieges of Mandalore, Concord Dawn, and Shogun in 3602 BBY. During the time, after many years of training, 23 year old Drax ended up being one of the best fighters in his Clan. Though, during the battle for Shogun, on the turf in which he was born upon, Drax lost his father during combat. So, in the name of his father, Drax helped with the Mandalorian war efforts.

Since then, Drax serves as a Hunter and Interrogater for the Mandalorians.

Roleplay Sample:


It had been long enough since Drax Terrand had seen the surface of Tatooine, the desert planet in which he'd called home so many years ago. The Polaris's engines finally silenced as Drax moved from the cockpit of his Starkiller, which the small side hatch to get inside opened. Due to being crammed in the Polaris for so long, it took Drax a few seconds to crawl out into the hot weather.

Turning his head to see where he'd landed, Drax spotted the number 19 painted on the sandstone walls. Though the pain was faded, due to so many years of wear, it was still visible. Drax assumed he'd landed on landing Bay 19. From the looks of his surroundings, nobody had used the bay for quite some time. If Drax could keep his head down for one night, he could use the settlement he landed in as a resting spot. Even if things get rough, I can always make a quick exit. He thought. Besides, who'd want to mess with me?

Departing from the landing bay and onto the streets of Mos Eisley, Drax was nearly pushed out of the way by two trollish looking men. Drax was knocked back against the door, but when he'd caught himself, the duo didn't even bother to see what they'd done, or who they had pushed. Drax nearly yelled out, but he decided against it. 'Losers, not my kind of fight.' He thought, before turning and walking the opposite way down the crowded streets.

Despite it being close to nightfall, the Drax was both glad and not glad. For one, the bars would be open, but they would be crowded no less or more. Struggling slightly to maneuver down the street, Drax finally pushed a few drunk men out of the way to escape into a bar. When the door opened, the dimness of the bar was much darker than outside, proving to be quite comforting. Though, when the door closed behind him, the room had been a tad bit lighter than he'd first foreseen. Though, he didn't let it bug him, which he traveled through the vacant bar.

Besides himself, a passed out man and a bartender were all that remained inside the bar. Picking up after a few seconds of observations, Drax assumed the bar was one of the more low profiled ones.

Drax approached the bar, his six foot three figure halting at one of the stools, primarily the one next to the passed out man. Drax used one hand to pull the chair away from the bar, then sit in it. While he'd prepared to rest his arms on the bar, he almost stuck his forearm into the side mess of the drunk man's druel. He silently groaned under his breath, ultimately showing his discust. Silently, Drax reached of the the bar and grasped a towel, and cleaned up the drunk man's mess. He then placed the towel right where he'd found it, which was when the bartender acknowledged him.

"You ain't from around here." The man said, which Drax immediately tuned in on the man's voice. He didn't look the man's way, not even bothering to turn his helm, or even jolt. He just sat there. "Nor do you look like one. Eh, guess I shouldn't care. What do you want to drink?"

"Anything that's cold, and won't make me pass out on the first drink." Drax responded, finally looking up. Drax's visor proved to be nearly impossible to see through, but the bartender didn't seem to care. "Sure thing, Just give me a second to get cha' something. The normal bottled stuff's in the back.."

As the man disappeared behind the bar, Drax leaned back against his chair, and only to fiddle with his fingers for a few minutes. Sure enough, like the bartender had promised, he placed a random alcohol beverage in front of him. Just when he was about to take off his helmet to drink, the doors to the bar had opened. Through the mirror across from him, and behind the displayed drink bottles, Drax could see two three men enter the bar. The first two immediately stopped by the door, blocking it so nobody could come in or out. The third however came in. Drax immediately analyzed the newcomer, knowing his arrival wasn't much of a coincidence. First of all, no man, besides the leader of the Hutt Cartel, would ever have men outposted to keep watch. And second, why would someone want to come to this exact bar. Carefully calculating the details in seconds, Drax knew it had something to do with him. The man seemed a bit tense, his hand remaining very close to his one handed blaster. Such a pathetic weapon, a generic blaster that was probably a few years out of date. Then, the man stopped, directly behind Drax.

"I need you to come with me." The man said, attempting to use a tough guy voice. It was quite humoring actually. "You better before I'm forced to-"

The man didn't stand a chance with his threats, which Drax swift picked up the neck of his beverage and smashed it over the other man's head. The glass and liquid shattered over his head, and both alcohol and blood dripping down his forehead and onto the floor. The man stumbled, obviously surprised by the attack. Drax immediatelyy brought himself out of his chair, and spartan kicked the stumbled man square in the chest. The man would fall backwards, hitting his head on the corner of the table and knocking himself out.

Instantly, right afterwards, the guards outside the door rushed in with blaster ready, and the bartender took cover. Though Drax? He was smirking behind his mask, his grey eyes filled with humor. It had been a while since he had a good bar fight, and this one would escalate very quickly..

As the bar doors closed, all that could be seen is Drax rushing the two guards, and lazers lighting up the room.

[DreadPirateMike]

Howdy!  My name's Mike, one of those poor NGTs that Neology likes to crack the whip on.  Normally, I'm the one who gets off easy, living halfway across the country from her and all, but this time, it's my turn!  So, galaxy's biggest jerk, eh?  Let's meet him.  

[**NOTE: If you find any bad grammer or wording, I'm sorry in advance. I didn't feel like taking the time to overlook my long writing passages.]

That's...not the most encouraging start I've ever seen.     But I'd be lying if I said I'd never been guilty of slacking off a little in that department myself, so let's just see what we've got, shall we?

Race-Rank: This is mostly fine, excepting perhaps "Interrogator" and "Jedi Killer". But we'll get to that.

Height/Weight: You forgot to include a weight. Big guy, muscular build...I recommend something in the 200+ pounds range.

Appearance: And here, we start to run into a few problems.  Let's jump right into a "for instance".

Amongst his compatriots however, some assume he has white hair, pastel white skin, and red eyes, almost a ghost from children's nightmares. Though, this is wrong, which Drax denies such assumed appearance. Drax's appearance will always remain unknown, unless he's forced to. But being who he is, that will never happen.

I assume the missing part of that penultimate sentence should be "take off his helmet"?  Also, the baseless speculation of his peers, refuted or not, isn't especially relevant here. I can see a brief mention for flavor, but it shouldn't take up more bio space than his ACTUAL appearance. And that's not just for his gear. You go into that at length below, which is great, but at present, you only have a single sentence about what the guy himself looks like. We need more. Any blemishes on that dark tan skin? Does he shave? How about scars? Handsome? Ugly? Etc.

Clothing Wise, Drax wears Beskar'gam armor made of thick black matte plates, Titanium, compacted shock panels, and .

This is a little perplexing, for a couple of reasons. First of all, nothing after the "and". Second, matte black is just a paint job. What's that made of? And then, there's the titanium. Now, beskar'gam is simply a catch all term for Mandalorian armor. It doesn't actually have to be made of beskar, though that option is open to you; it's super rare, after all, and if his clan just lived on Tatooine, it's conceivable they wouldn't have had access to it. But as alternatives go, titanium is an odd choice. It's impressively tough by real world standards, but it doesn't stand up too well against the setting's fantasy metals, which you may want to look into. Durasteel would probably be the most common alternative, but there's also alum, duraplast...you've got options. In any of these cases, titanium isn't likely to add much benefit. Same goes for the glass visor, by the way. I recommend looking into transparisteel.

Excluding the metal armor sections, Drax has reinforced fabric and leather armor on his arms, thighs, and other sections in which aren't covered. Embedded in theses layers is a single titanium sheet.

Okay, so, same deal here. Nothing WRONG with fabric and leather, per se. But you may want to look into armorweave, unless you're deliberately shooting for a lower tech construction. And the titanium sheet I'm just not understanding at all. I thought this was the NON-metal section, but if that's the case, what's the benefit of sewing metal into fabric over just making a full plate suit? Also, if it's a single sheet, presumably meaning one hammered into a human shape, it couldn't possibly be articulated, meaning it wouldn't allow him to move.


Personality: Okay, this part is a little more solid!  Got some points here as well, but smaller stuff.  Just some inconsistencies, and stuff in need of more detail to explain it!  

When meeting Drax for the first time, Drax can either be found at a bar

Why would he be frequenting bars? He'd need to remove his helmet in public (As you depict him about to do in your RP sample later on.) in order to drink anything, which you earlier claimed he never does.

Drax is pretty unique with whatever responses, threats, or insults come at him, which can irritate others.

Unique in what way?

Since the death of his mother at a young age, Drax has attempted to permanently eliminate any form of these select emotions

How come? According to the bio, he wasn't just YOUNG when his mom died. It was in childbirth. That means he never got to know his mother, and had no opportunity to appreciate her loss. Don't get me wrong; he could certainly perceive her ABSENCE quite acutely, be it in seeing other complete families around him, or in how it affected his father. Any of those things could lead to his emotional growth being stunted. But the only way for us to know these things is for you to WRITE it.  

Drax begins to destroy there relationships with friends- and bring there love life into a grinding hault. He'll then begin to destroy the things that person takes pride in.

Seems more "Mean Girls" than Mando. Mind you, that's not necessarily a deal breaker. A Mandlorian certainly doesn't have to be some hulking moron with a huge gun, solving everything with his fists. In fact a "Loki in Asgard" type theme could be fun if done well. But given the cultural importance Mandalorians place on honor, glory and a good fight, you'd definitely want to explain in his bio how he came to prefer dealing with people that way over...you know, shooting them in the face.

Ships/Vehicles: Owning this is fine. But if you were intending it as his sole form of personal transportation, I should point out you've selected something with no hyperdrive. That's a long drive between rest stops.

Equipment: Most of this is fine. Even a Mando isn't carrying this entire arsenal at once, but I assume you're just describing his entire weapons locker, which he takes stuff from to suit the job. Just a couple of POSSIBLE sticking points.

A Vibrosword [with modifications for Drax's needs.]

Modified how? If it's something really unusual, you may need to write up a short tech app for it.

Explosive Knives

Run this by me. Are we just talking like...a grenade with a knife on it, for sticking into people before it blows?  So it's a slightly meaner version of his sticky bombs?

High Speed Reactor Visor Setting

This is the one HUD feature I'm a little unclear on, everything else seeming pretty standard. How's it work?

Stats: The only one I take issue with here is the low charisma. I get that he's a jerk, but charisma doesn't necessarily just mean you're nice. This is a measure of how persuasive you can be, how successful you are in getting people to follow you, believe you, come around to your way of thinking. From what I can tell, the way Drax likes to operate. With sub-par charisma and only average intelligence, some of the skills you list below, particularly the socializing and verbal manipulation, just don't make a lot of sense. Basically, Drax needs to either know how to pretend NOT to be a repellent creep so long as it suits his interests, or you may need to rethink the adept manipulator angle.

Combat/Other training: A lot of these, like the firearms and the hand to hand skill, are fine. They're just a standard component of your typical Mandalorian upbringing. Some others are common Mando skills, but would require some battlefield experience to properly hone (Tactics, Battlefield observation), which you don't yet mention in the bio. And one or two are just really specialized and not yet justified. Whether he picked up torture and interrogation as he went or somebody specifically tutored him in it, that needs to be explained if that's supposed to be one of his primary roles in the clan. Also, being good at parkour (Especially if you plan to have him zipping around like Jackie Chan in his armor.) requires more than just average Joe level agility.

Biography: And here's where we get to the meat of it!  The main thing I'd say here...needs more meat.  There's no set length for how long a bio should be, and believe me, nobody's gonna ask you to write a novel.  But it should probably be longer than your RP sample.  But not to fear!  I have some suggestions for where to start bulking it up.  

While seeking passage to Tatooine for Drax's determined birth date, Drax's parents were forced to have Drax born on Shogun due to his early arrival.

This is fine. But if the clan lived on Tatooine, what brought the folks out to Shogun to begin with?

From what Drax could remember, Clan Terrand did have some small disputes with The Hutt Space (can I call them that o-o

Well, Hutt Space is just...the literal space over which the Hutts hold sway. I believe the term you're looking for is "Hutt Cartel". Also, just as a minor nitpick, he won't remember these disputes if they happened prior to his birth. It'd be..."from what he was told" or some such.

Upon the year 3612 BBY (I hope the date's right 0-0

Pretty sure you're good.  

Accusing the Hutt Space of violating the there agreement, a two year conflict caused some blood to be spilt.

Cool. Did Drax do any sort of fighting in this conflict? At that age, he wouldn't realistically be slaying enemies by the score with the jawbone of a Bantha or anything, but he might have helped out in some way. And that's your chance to get in some of that battlefield experience I was talking about earlier. Come on! Tell me the whole gory story!  

In 3605 BBY, Drax has set off on a hunting mission by himself. Though, when he'd found his target dead on Saleucami, his Target's killer had left a trail. Drax learned for himself that the two jedis' not affiliated with the Jedi Order

And...here's where I have no idea what's going on. Why is he going on this trip by himself? Who's his target, and why is he hunting said target? Is this a bounty thing? And then, where do these two freelance Jedi come from? Did they kill his original target? Why? I'm afraid this story just needs to fill in a LOT more blanks to make any sense. Sorry.  

According to stories, Drax had killed the Jedi with his own weapon, and took the lightsaber of both jedis as trophies.

Again, while I appreciate that you're trying to spell out that some tales are told of this guy, this isn't the place for it. The bio is where you put HIS story, not the heresay that others have come up with about him. It doesn't matter if the actual events are well known to the galaxy at large. We staff are a nosy bunch, and we want to know these things.

Besides, killing TWO Jedi is basically going to be the source of all his renown. It's an impressive achievement for ANY Mandalorian. They look at the Jedi as the ultimate test of their skill and ferocity for a reason. For an 18 year old kid with no experience mentioned is...improbable. Very improbable. So you're going to need to spend a little time detailing how he pulled something like this off, and MAYBE be prepared for the possibility of having to nerf this a little.

So!  Overall, to reiterate, this bio just needs more. More meat, more detail, a little more time spent on it. Hopefully this review will be of some help in giving you a place to start.

RP Sample: So, the first half is pretty good. You set the mood, the tone, the atmosphere, all just fine. The second half is, for the most part, similar. Right toward the end, there are a couple errors that a proof reading might have helped with, like "quate in the chest" and lasers being spelled with a z. Oh, and a reference to a Hutt crimelord who won't be born for another 3,000 years.



I will say, though. I'm a little unclear as to his motivation for spilling the old man out onto the floor. If the place was virtually empty, doesn't that make literally every other seat at the bar free? Granted, Drax apparently likes to start fights, so maybe this was just meant as a demonstration of what a jerk he is...but didn't the beginning of the sample establish that he was trying to keep his head down? Risking a commotion for no reason other than poor impulse control seems kind of counter-productive. That part could use some tightening up.


Aaaaaaand there we go!

I know, the first round through the review grinder can be a lot to take in, and some of us are sticklers for details. But that's where the character comes out! You've got a solid base to keep building off of, and I think you'll find a lot of these critiques a lot easier to address than some might initially think. So, don't get discouraged! Keep on plugging, and I look forward to seeing you for round 2! 

[ℜℯT̶̶R̶̶A̶̶K̶̶K̶S̶]

Okayyy so, to prevent myself from being overwhelmed [Not that I will be XD], I've fixed the following, and I'd like input on it before I move on to the next part of my app. AKA: Everything but the stats and skills XD

Here's what I've fixed so far:

- Bio [**NOTE: I took out the jedi parts, I didn't feel like hassling with it XD]
- Personality
- Appearance
- Sample Post
- Equipment
- Ship
- Rank

And the Things I HAVEN'T fixed, due to either me being a dummy and having trouble fixing them. But I'm sure they can be focused on later XD

- Stats
- Combat Training
- Non Combat Training

[DreadPirateMike]

Okay!  So sorry for the wait!  Let's delay no further, and jump right into round 2!

Race-Rank: Okay, you're all set.  Good start!  

Height/Weight: That should do it.

Appearance: Okay, big improvement!  I'd say you've added sufficient details about his appearance under the armor to be sufficient.  That said...

Amongst his compatriots however, some assume he has white hair, pastel white skin, and red eyes, almost a ghost from children's nightmares.

Still cool, but still has no place here.  If you want to throw some mention into the bio as to why people started to assume this, that's cool.  But the appearance section is for his ACTUAL appearance.  

Now, as for the armor, I can see from your edits that you've done some homework.  That's what I like to see!  But you've gone a little bit overboard on this one, I fear.  I'm counting THREE different lightsaber resistant metals in the same package, which is two more than anyone should need.  And even at a millimeter's thickness, neuranium honestly still sounds too heavy to make for practical infantry armor...and if you're looking for the scanner blocking properties, keep in mind he won't be totally encased in the stuff.

Basically, you've clarified now that his armor is made of actual beskar, which is virtually indestructible all on its own.  No other metal added to it is going to add to that durability enough to justify all the extra bulk.  And as to these shock panels, I may not have paid them adequate scrutiny before, but it's kind of hard to tell exactly what these things are.  Impacted, compacted...

Here's my suggestion, as far as streamlining and saving you some trouble.  All you need as far as the metal bits is the beskar.  Trust me, it'll hold up just fine.  Under that, maybe some extra padding to soak up heavy impacts.  Then, beskar'gam pretty much by default includes some sort of protective body glove.  Specify some sort of electrical insulation incorporated into that to protect you from getting zapped.  It won't protect your wrist computer, for instance, from a massive EMP, but I wasn't seeing how anything you described before would do that anyway.

And finally...

Drax has tally marks that counts how many jedi's he's killed, which the total is currently two.

That should now be zero tally marks, unless this is just counting how many Jedi he's CLAIMED to have killed.  Speaking of which...

Personality: 

Drax claims to be a jedi killer, having a small death count in which he keeps track of.

Either Drax is a liar, or you forgot to edit out the other mentions of Jedi killing.  If it's the former, awesome.  Just don't get caught.  If it's the latter, don't neglect the housekeeping.

Also, as far as the edited version of how he deals with people he hates.

It will be his mission to kill the disliked person...If it comes to the point where he doesn't receive one, or it's a case where he can't forgive that person, he'll kill them.

That's not actually an escalation.  Maybe start with just shooting kneecaps or something?

Otherwise, I'd say you've got this more or less under control.  Moving on...

Ships/Vehicles: That's a cool ship, assuming you mean that class rather than that particular ship you name.  So neat, I may have to look into getting one for myself.  Unfortunately, by the time of this game, it's also a 16,000 year old design.  Outdated is not a strong enough word.  If you want to use it anyway, be my guest.  But it'll need some pretty good explanation for how and why he's flying around in a museum exhibit.  If all you're looking for is a one man craft, there are some pretty decent choices in the Mando tech section, and he wouldn't even have to restrict himself to that.  There's THIS SUCKER for instance.  One man fighter, just like you were originally going for.

Equipment:

Throwing Knives [ If thrown properly, the small grenade implanted in the hilt of the knife will detonate upon impact of the target, causing a small explosion of shrapnel.]

Sounds cool.  We'd just ask you to throw up a real quick little tech app for that with some basic information.  Weight, blast yield, stuff like that.

High Speed Reactor Visor Setting

And I still need to know what that means.

Bio: Better!  Just two things.

(I hope the date's right 0-0)

Now that this has been confirmed, you can delete this bit.  Breaks up the flow of the story.

Accusing the Hutt Space of violating the there agreement, a two year conflict caused some blood to be spilt.

My bad for not noticing it before, but this sentence doesn't work.  The conflict didn't accuse anyone.  Also, still several uses of "Hutt Space".  Please just finish proof-reading for consistency.

Roleplay Sample: Okay, much better!  Lasers is still spelled with a Z at the end, and you'll need to remove mention of Starkiller, since that was a specific ship and not the class.  Otherwise, good to go!

Okay, and this concluded round 2!  Getting there!  Let me know when you've addressed all this, and worked on the categories you've thus far left along, and I'll be back again.  Good luck.  

[Neology]

Are you still working on this, ℜℯT̶̶R̶̶A̶̶K̶̶K̶S̶?

[Neology]

Moved to incomplete.