Righto! Howdy, there, and warm welcome seconded.
Now, I see Dutch was good enough to drop you some useful reading material, so let me begin this review by throwing in my contribution: A few specific, recent instances of all that material successfully put into practice. When I proceed to talk about desired length (Well, more precisely detail.) and formatting, these accepted Jedi should provide a handy reference.
Fenn SoranAlec JaldaanMeira ValliOkay, technically Meira Valli's not a recently accepted character, but I figured she'd be valuable to take a look at all the same. She's relatively close to Maru's proposed age, and in addition to being a fine writer, Meira's an Admin, so you know she's gonna have a good grasp on all this!
So, moving on to the heart on to the review itself, I'm afraid when Dutch spoke of necessary tinkering, he meant something a bit more extensive. Specifics incoming!
Name-Rank: Everything's fine here, except for his age.
If that's your plan, you need to add a year. 22 is the minimum age cutoff for Knighthood.
Height/Weight: Purely as a formatting thing, the height belongs here, not in the Appearance section. You'll have a lot more to concentrate on in the Appearance. Speaking of which...
Appearance: We need a little bit more than that. We don't ask for a novel, but we DO ask that by the time we're done reading this section, we have some rough picture in our heads of what the guy looks like, at rest and in action. All I have right now is a height and some colors. Okay, his hair's black. How long is it, and and in what style? A mighty afro, or perhaps brushed and combed back with meticulous care into a pony tail of man bun (I'm told they're in right now!)? Or maybe he just doesn't care about such mundane frippery, and he's just sporting a perpetual case of bed head.
That's the sort of detail I'd like to see here. Hazel eyes, okay. Does he just stare intensely, or are they wrinkled by a smile a good deal of the time? There's actually a bit of overlap here with the personality. You say he's warm to those he meets, but what impression do people have of him before the conversation starts, just from the first glance? Does he slouch? Hold himself rigidly at attention?
Personality: Now, this section's a bit better. I've got some sense of him from this, but it could still use a little more fleshing out. You describe him as dry-witted, for instance. How often does he demonstrate said wit? Is his sense of humor a regular component of interaction with him, or does it surprise people who don't normally expect it from him? For that matter, how chatty is he in general? You describe him as a diplomatic sort, so give some thought to his conversational habits. They're important.
And the last sentence here is just sort of confusing. "Polite until he doesn't need to be possessed with youthful zeal"? Youthful energy is generally associated with temper and recklessness, not politeness.
Ships/Vehicles: This could or could not be a problem. A lot of Jedi characters don't specify any sort of personal transportation, in part because as a Jedi, it wouldn't technically be their property anyway, and they can always just requisition something if they need it. As still just a Padawan, I would like to see some explanation as to what he does that requires him to have a fighter regularly reserved for his own personal use. But we'll get to that.
Equipment: I'd like to see some clarification on the lightsaber. What ornamentation? Fancy in what way?
Stats: Two things. One, you don't rate entire sections overall. Also, we actually haven't used the number rankings for applications in some time. That applies to every single section in which you've used them. In this particular instance, it should read as follows:
Stats:
Strength: Average
Agility: Average
Intelligence: Above Average
Charisma: Below Average
Now, as far as that goes, these stats are fine from a game balance standpoint. But isn't below average charisma is a bit odd for someone who's supposed to have the makings of a skilled diplomat?
Force Stats: So, first of all, ixnay on the Destruction unless you have a very good and specific explanation in mind for it. That's pretty much a uniquely dark side skillset, and as such, the vast majority of Jedi simply won't have any training in it. Healing, on the other hand, IS a Jedi discipline, and the custom species' resistance to traditional medicine is a good motivation to study it, but he'd still have to put in the time and effort studying it.
And overall, these stats seem just a little bit high for an entry level knight, particularly one who's divided his focus between Force and Saber training. By the new rankings, he'd rate as Adept (Basically, 5-6) at four different Force powers. I'd say knock that down to 2. Maybe 3, depending on how you tailor your lightsaber skills.
Combat/Force/Other Training: Again, you don't quite have the right idea. A training section is for the specific, specialized skills you've learned in those categories. For instance, blaster pistols, Force Illusion, and Piloting, respectively. It's those specific skills, not the overall category, to which you assign the Unskilled-Master rankings.
Lightsaber Training: Again, a bit too much here. By his early twenties, had he chosen to make it his focus, he could have mastered Shii-Cho and moved on to something else. Maybe experimented with two different styles, but he wouldn't be particularly high level at either one in this case. Overall, you have 11 lightsaber "points". Knock that down to, say...7 or 8, and distribute as you will. But remember, those numbers are just for reference in your head. The new rankings are Novice(1), Apprentice(2), Adept(3), Expert(4), and Master(5).
Bio: And, as usual, this is the biggie. I'm afraid to say, this just needs a lot more work. There's just not a lot about him here now, and unfortunately, most of what you DO have conflicts with the lore. Allow me to illustrate.
A toddler with no training isn't going to be busting out Force powers on that level. About the only thing that should overtly separate him from his peers is some weird dreams, and better than usual reflexes and coordination. That said, as he was born on Coruscant, provided he was born in a hospital, his Force Sensitivity would be known from birth. A midichlorian test is standard on Republic worlds.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. There are basically two ways to wind up in the Service Corps. One, you can simply decide that's the right path for you. Two, you "wash out", in other words reach the age of 13 without getting chosen by a Master for apprenticeship. Either way, it usually precludes ever becoming a Knight. I say usually simply because Obi-Wan Kenobi was chosen back out of the AgriCorps by Qui Gon Jin, and there's no rule saying it's explicitly impossible here. But it was highly unusual in his time, and it would be much more so in this setting, where the Order and thus the available pool of Younglings is much larger. In any case, slacking off on his duties to go chase criminals when he had no legal authority to do so certainly wouldn't get him rewarded.
Yeah...sorry, but no. Don't get me wrong. You are entirely welcome to flesh out his past through flashbacks in play. For little episodic stuff, that might have been significant in a way, but not life changing events. His selection by a master, and his training to Knighthood is likely the most important experience in your Jedi's life to date. I can't accept the character to begin with if your bio's missing that kind of information.
Again, we don't need a novel. But Maru's accumulated more than 20 years of life experience, and the point of the bio is to tell us about it. So, my suggestion is to take some time, and look over some of those other accepted applications to get a general sense of what we're looking for. Then, sit down and try to come up with a story for your character. The experiences that made him into the character you want to play. Then...tell us about him.
RP Sample: Okay, so this is obviously by far and away the most solid part of your application. Long enough to tell a bit of a story, and give us a sense of how Maru acts under pressure. But it just seems a bit rushed, particularly where this Mandalorian is concerned. Granted, the fight itself played out about right, I figure, except for how easily (Like an afterthought, really.) he finished the guy off; a Mandalorian trying to go saber to saber against a Jedi who's spent years training to use the thing is highly unlikely to do very well. But it's even MORE unlikely that a Mandalorian stupid enough to try it would have gotten his hands on one to begin with. Granted, I guess you don't explicitly say he got it by killing a Jedi, so it could just have been a trophy or something handed down to him, but it still doesn't explain just what this Mandalorian is hoping to achieve by rushing into close quarters with a Jedi, who would presumably have the backup of some sort of starport security. Sure, even a Mandalorian isn't immune to panicking and doing something stupid, especially if he's young. But why is he even at the starport to begin with, if he's supposed to be hiding? And how did he get that close without someone seeing him?
Basically, if your intent was to present this Mandalorian as a formidable adversary that Maru's bested, I'm afraid it missed the mark a bit. Also, even before the Mandalorian shows up, there is one part that confused me.
But they already know he's a Jedi.
So, that's about the long and short of it. The application needs a bit of an overhaul, and I know we set our newcomers to a pretty high standard here, but everyone who comes through is capable if they challenge themselves to really see what they can do! Never weaken, Pilgrim.
Seeya for round 2!
