TCR_thechief2's Jedi Character App.

[thechief2]

Name: Valrak Niss
Race: Trandoshan
Age: 23
Birthplace: Trandosha
Allegiance: Jedi Order
Status: Jedi Knight
Rank: Knight

Height/Weight: Heightof 2 Meters Tall, Weighs 200 lbs
Appearance: Dark Green Scales, Brown Eyes, Light Tan Jedi Robes, Headset/Communicator

Personality: Cautious, Calm, Patient.

Ships/Vehicles: Jedi Interceptor (Green Paint)

Equipment:Two GreenBladed Lightsabers

Stats:

Strength- Above Average
Agility - Average
Intelligence - Above Average
Charisma - Average

Force Stats: Adept

Telekinetic- Novice
Telepathic- Novice
Body- Apprentice
Sense- Expert
Protection- Adept
Healing:– Adept
Destruction– Novice


Combat Training: Adept

Force Training: Adept

Other Training: Novice (Blasters, hence growing up learninghow to shoot blasters at a young age)

Lightsaber Training:

Shii-Cho- Unskilled
Makashi- Unsklled
Soresu- Unskilled
Ataru- Adept
Shien/Djem So- Unskilled
>>Sub-form Backhanded- Unskilled
Niman- Unskilled
>>Sub-form Jar-kai- Unskilled
Juyo- Unskilled
Double Bladed Combat- Unskilled


Biography: Valrak was born in a Trandoshan Village that was constantly battling Mandalorian Warriors who weretrying to find Force Sensitive children inthe Village... Valrak was force sensitive and was trained to use a blaster when he was old enough... 5 years of age... When the Jedi arrived on Trandosha a few months after Valrak's 6th Birthday, he was finally wisked to safety from the Conflict, allowing thevillage to rest at last from the Constant Mandalorian Assaults. Valrak's early years at the Temple were hard for him, him being the only Trandoshan in his dormitory of 4 he felt alone, and excluded. However as he grew and continued through constanttraining and meditating, he began to become respected by his fellow students... He soon became the Padawan of a Rodian Jedi named Siloo Tiarr. They became a excellent teamand eventually was sent on a mission to Trandosha... However this mission would change Valrak's life forever... During a small skirmish between the two Jedi and Mandalorian's, Siloo was killed... Valrak was surrounded, but he fought on, killing 3 Mandalorians, and knocking out the remaining 2... He soon became a Jedi Knight 10 years later...

Roleplay Sample: *Valrak walks through a small village on Carlac, he notices someone lying in thesnow,* "Hello? Are you okay?" *Valrak approaches with his handon his saber handle, and then flips the body to face him and see's a laser scorch on the villagers forehead* "Blast.. Someonehas shot this Man..." *I turn on my Holo Communicatorand contact the Jedi Council* "This is Valrak Niss reporting from Carlac... I have found a dead Villager buried on the side of the roadin the snow... I believe this was a Mandarlorian attack..."

[DreadPirateMike]

Hey, hey!  No, we didn't forget about this application.  It just took me a little longer to make my way to it than we expected.  But review is now imminent!  So drop your weapons, and prepare to be JUDGED!

Name-Rank: These are all fine.

Height/Weight: We do generally ask that height and weight both be listed in Imperial.  Make that substitution, though, and you're okay.

Appearance: We need a little more than that, I'm afraid.  It might be helpful for you to peruse a couple characters of accepted character applications, to give you a general sense of the sort of detail we're hoping to see here.  Here's a couple quick links right here.

Jho'zol'Fura
Alec Jaldaan

And just for fun, why don't I grab one off the Sith list as well, since that's the more common place for Trandoshan Force users to wind up.  Here's a good description of a Trandoshan, albeit one not dressed in terribly Jedi fashion.

Sarkh

Obviously, one thing these applications all have in common is that they're a lot longer, and more volume of text technically is ONE thing I'm looking for, but it's by no means the most important thing.  Different writers have different styles, and if yours is a little short, that's okay, so long as I come away with a decent idea what this character looks like.  At the moment, I've got mostly a collection of colors, and the character's height.  Are these scales shiny, or dull?  Do you figure him as solid, or skinny?  How does he stand?  Proud and erect, or humble and stooped?  Obviously, playing a Jedi means the garb is simpler, but even there, there are SOME variations in style.

Also, the headset and communicator would belong in the Equipment section.

Personality: Same deal.  You've got a few traits down as a good place to start, but I'm presuming you must have something more.  Something that makes Valrak a unique individual.  Cautious, patient and calm are qualities that would describe pretty much ANY Jedi.  Like...say I just used the words "Cocky, reckless and irreverent" to describe Han Solo, and left it at that.  All true, but it's hardly the whole story, is it?

Some possible questions to consider might be...is that calm demeanor the result of a true inner peace and contentment, or are there troublesome emotions and instincts that he's simply learned to keep under control with practice and discipline?  How does he interact with people?  Is he basically an emotionless zen master, or does he have a sense of humor?  Any hobbies he enjoys?  How does the caution interact with with the calm in practice?  Does he just enter into a situation, highly wary but keeping his cool, or does he refuse to enter into an uncertain situation to begin with until he's studied every possible angle to it to the best of his ability?

These are just a FEW possible things to explore, mind you, but together with the other applications as a guide, it should be enough to get you started.

Ships/Vehicles: This is fine.

Equipment: Lightsabers are fine.  Headset/Communicator from the Appearance section MIGHT be fine.  If it's just a comm device he wears on his head, like a present day bluetooth, it's no problem.  If it has a bunch of other fancy features, it might need a Tech application made for it.

Stats: Entirely reasonable

Force Stats: You don't rate an entire section.  Just the individual skills within that category.  And as far as those skills go, they're mostly fine.  The Destruction score is a problem, though.  That's the one that lets you shoot lightning, drain people's life force, all that nasty stuff.  In other words, it's straight Dark Side, and you wouldn't have learned it from any Jedi.  It's not quite impossible to have picked up a little knowledge on some adventure or other, but it would require a proper explanation of how it happened, and it WOULD be out of place for the peaceful Jedi you describe.  Then, there's Sense.  That one, you'd totally have studied at the Jedi Temple, but Expert level is pretty highly developed for a brand new Knight.  That would take some pretty significant natural aptitude for the art, and again, how Valrak went about honing it so well so early.  Or, if you want to go the simpler route, you could bump it down to Adept.

Combat Training: Again, you don't rate the section as a whole.  You list special skills that fall under that umbrella, and then rank those.  This would include stuff like blaster, knives, any unarmed martial arts he's studied, and so on.

Force Training: Ditto.  You'd list any special and unusual powers here that aren't on the Banned list.  Force Push, for instance, would not belong here.  That's just what you do with telekinesis.  But stuff like Beast Control, Plant Surge, Force Valor and so on would be examples of what you might list in this section.

Other Training: Same observations as above.  Also, blasters go in Combat.  As for the sort of thing that might go here...no piloting skill for that Jedi Interceptor?

Lightsaber Training: This might be the first time I ever told anyone their saber stats are too low.  Or, rather, incomplete.  Valrak is obviously more of a Consular, focusing more on Force abilities, so less by way of saber skill makes all kinds of sense.  But every Jedi is trained from childhood in Shii-Cho.  It's the basis of all the other saber forms, and what they're using when they do those blind blast deflection exercises.  Not every Jedi chooses to actually master this style, of course, but by the time he was knighted, Valrak should be at least Apprentice level at it.

Biography: Sorry to say it, but again, there's not quite enough here, and a couple small issues with what there is.  I'll go through the issues first, and then give you some general ideas for areas I'd like to see expanded on.

Valrak was born in a Trandoshan Village that was constantly battling Mandalorian Warriors who weretrying to find Force Sensitive children inthe Village

Why?  To kill them, I imagine?  Also, as a point of site lore, the Mandalorian clans had been effectively disarmed by he Republic at the time Valrak was born.  There were some rogue clans and the like, so this village having trouble with them isn't a problem on its own, but this wouldn't have been any well-armed and equipped crusade.  So why didn't the village just call for extra help?  Just pride?  The Trandoshans aren't exactly a traditional law and order type society, so an official army of police force might not be available, but I'm sure there'd be plenty of hunters that wouldn't mind having a beskar helmet to hand on their wall.

When the Jedi arrived on Trandosha a few months after Valrak's 6th Birthday, he was finally wisked to safety from the Conflict, allowing thevillage to rest at last from the Constant Mandalorian Assaults

This only requires a small edit, but 6 years old is the cutoff point for the Jedi to accept a child.  This would be too late for him to go with them.  Also, the Mandalorians were just after him in particular?  How'd they even know about him, then?  He wouldn't have been busting out any impressive and attention getting powers at that age.

So, that's the stuff in need of editing.  As for the stuff I'd like to see...

- If Valrak's old enough to be taught how to shoot, he's old enough to understand who's taking him and why.  How did he feel about it?  And how'd his village feel about giving him to the Jedi?  Reluctant?  Relieved to be rid of the target on their backs?

- What did the other Younglings do or not do to make him feel excluded?  I'd like to see a bit about their interactions in general.  And how did he cope?

- How did he eventually gain their respect?  What was his relationship with them like after that?  Did he have any friends?

- Let's hear how his training went.  What was difficult for him?  Where did he excel?  What did he enjoy?

- What drew Siloo to him?  What was he like, aside from what species he was?  And what made them such an excellent team?  Even if Valrak was literally JUST knighted, a year after the minimum possible age, he was still only 13 years old when Siloo died, meaning they were only together for a couple of years at most.  What did they actually do together in that time?

- When did he build his lightsaber?  That's a major rite of passage for an aspiring Jedi.  Also, when and why did he build a second one?  No training is indicated in Jar'Kai, which is the style for using a lightsaber in each hand.  Did he just want to have a backup?

- What was the mission that brought them back to Valrak's homeworld?  What was it like coming home? And what were Mandalorians doing there?

- I'd like more detail on how the fight went.  Did Valrak defeat all those Mandalorians AFTER Siloo was killed, or did he get some of them while Siloo initially did most of the work?  Because 5 to 1 odds are a stretch for a neophyte, physically immature Padawan.

- After this point, you just gloss over the next ten years.  Those are the ten years in which most of his development as a Jedi is going to occur.  How did the death of his Master affect him?  Who took over his training after that?  How did he pass his Jedi Trials ( We really only worry about Skill, Flesh and Spirit here.)?

Roleplay Sample: You've got an exciting start there.  Keep going!  

The idea of the roleplay sample is to give us a sense of how your character acts, how you intend to play him, and a tense, high stakes situation like this is a great way to do it.  The problem is, we don't see him do too much here.  He just finds the body, calls it in, and that's it.  Isn't he worried the shooter might still be in the area?  Heck, Valrak might be in some sniper's scope RIGHT NOW!  



What are his priorities?  Finding cover to protect himself?  Securing the area?  Looking for survivors who he might still be able to help?  

Also, while you're under no obligation to tell the ENTIRE story, there are a few questions I can't help but ask here.  Why is he calling the Jedi Council with this news?  They're in charge of Jedi operations everywhere in the galaxy.  Busy folks, in other words.  This mission would have to be something pretty darned important for them to be overseeing it directly.  And why does he immediately assume this has to be Mandalorians?  

Oh, and you also switch suddenly from third to first person at one point here.  I try to keep my inner English teacher in check when doing these reviews, but that is somewhat jarring for me as a reader, so I recommend you try to keep that stuff as consistent as possible.

And I'm pretty sure that's it!  Are you a bad enough dude to make some edits?  If so, I'll see you for round two!  

[Neology]

Moved to incomplete.