Jinn Tanull

[stoof]

Name: Jinn Tanull
Race: Human
Age: 15
Birthplace: Alderaan

Allegiance: Republic/ Jedi order
Status: knight
Rank: padawan

Height/Weight: 4.10/ 90
Appearance:

Jinn is a 4.10 tall boy with a skinny body that just has his muscles outlines visible. His black medium long hair go in strands over his forehead and partly over his nose bridge and next to his eyes so his friendly yet shy looking grey eyes are always visible. He doesn't have any scares around his body or any birthmarks.

He is mostly found in a black robes without sleeves  hanging loosely around his skinny and small body with a black leather belt going around his waist to keep the robe of his upperbody together. On the beltthere is a clip attached to hang his lightsaber on.  to finish it of he wears a pair of black boots although it is just standard jedi robes only black and without sleeve.

His stance mostly comes over as a weak person who is scared of everything although he isn't scared he just thinks he isn't good enough 



Personality: Jinn is quiet yet shy young guy who always thinks he isn't good enough for anything he does or has to do. Mostly thinking he is weak or not big enough since he is pretty small for his age.

He doesn't talk to allot of people or stands up for himself since he is deadly shy mostly because he thinks everyone is above him and stronger even if it is proven it isn't true.

In his past time Jinn is mostly drawing mostly drawing the people he sees around using his photographic memory so he could also draw battles he has seen or other stuff that catches his interest like new species.

There are only a few places where Jinn is fully calm and that is deep under water, high up in the mountains or buildings.

Ships/Vehicles:

Equipment:
Lightsaber:
Color: blue
hilt: Standard
Extra: Bifurcating cyclical-ignition pulse ( Underwater case)  

Stats: (Feeble, Below Average, Average, Above Average, Superior, Legendary)

Strength - average
Agility - average
Intelligence - above average
Charisma - below average

Force Stats: (Unskilled, Novice, Apprentice, Adept, Expert, Master)

Telekinetic- adept
Telepathic- apprentice
Body- novice
Sense- adept
Protection- apprentice
Healing:– novice
Destruction– unskilled


Combat Training: (Unskilled, Novice, Apprentice, Adept, Expert, Master)
Bakuuni Hand- Novice
Broken Gate- Novice

Force Training: (Unskilled, Novice, Apprentice, Adept, Expert, Master)
Battle Meditation-Adept
Force Grip- Adept
Force Stealth- Novice
Force Battle Precognition- Novice
Force Repulse- Novice
Beast Control- Adept
Breath Control- Adept


Other Training:(Unskilled, Novice, Apprentice, Adept, Expert, Master)
Flying Small Ships- Apprentice
Deep Sea Diving- Adept
Survival-  Adept


Lightsaber Training: (Untrained, Novice, Apprentice, Adept, Expert, Master, Specialist)

Shii-Cho- adept
Makashi-unskilled
Soresu- unskilled
Ataru- unskilled
Shien/Djem So- unskilled
>>Sub-form Backhanded- unskilled
Niman- unskilled
>>Sub-form Jar-kai- unskilled
Juyo- unskilled
Double Bladed Combat- unskilled


Biography:

Jinn Tanulll was born on the planet Alderaan as third born of his family having 2 sister above him although like every child that is born in the a republic planet Jinn also got checked to be force sensitive with the midichlorian test. they found out that Jinn is force sensitive unlike his parents and his older sisters. Jinn's parents sended him to the jedi training's temle right away in hope Jinn would be the greatest knight ever be.

Although little did they know that Jinn wouldn't know who his family would be or if he ever had one beside the people at the jedi temple. But never knowing his family didn't make Jinn feel empty inside since he saw everyone in the temple as his family well he got trained by them from a young age

When he get 6 years old He got his first trainings lightsaber slowly starting his true way towards being a jedi knight although he was just a youngling learning the first ways of the light side of the force by the overseers and masters.

When he got 13 years old Jinn was fully ready to get a master and even got one in no time since he aced every assignment he got when he was a youngling without any problem although he always thinkgs he isn't good enoug. Jinn started to travel with his master through out the universe although his master had one missions for him on the planet of Aris where he was left alone by his master for a year making Jinn learn to survive on his own.

During the time Jinn spends on Aris Jinn learned different things like taking care of himself, pure survival skills and animal control by using the force which he got so good at he became friends with the wok-woks that lived on the planet. After a year his master came to pick him up form the planet to see his progression and he was carrying a lightsaber for Jinn if he survived the planet although this lightsaber was special since it had a special waterproof casing in it since he knew Jinn loved to be underwater. Surviving on this planet was a test thought of by the master himself to see how much jinn knows and see how much he still had to teach him.

Jinn continued his training although the training didn't last longer then 2 years since when they were going on a mission at the Hoth planet they crashed the ship with a failed engine that made the ship crash into the ice. Jinn woke up a week later after the crash founding out his master was death making Jinn the only survivor of the crash and now he had to show himself what he had learned during his training to stay alive and call for help to the republic in hope they can pick him up

Roleplay Sample: .

It has been 2 Weeks after the ships crash And a young 15 year old Padawan standing 4.9 feet tall was wandering the icy plains of the planet Hoth in the distance a crashed ship could be spotted and if you looked even closer you could see a body wrapped in old clothes laying infront of the ship. The body was the padawan's master that died in the crash although the padawan hasn't found a way yet to burn the body so it could be one with the force.

 The padawan wrapped himself in white clothes to camouflage himself and he had quit a few layers on to keep himself warm. He was wondering the plains in hope he could find some food since the randsome of the ship was wearing out and he still needed to eat he heard ones in a while some wild animal growls but he didn't exactly knew from which animal it came from.

After a hour or two wandering the icy landscape he heard a hard large growl behind him and he turned quickly around facing a giant wampa. He narrowed his grey eyes while he stared into the wampa's eyes and started to point his left hand palm towards the wampa "calm down girl calm down" He said calmly since the wampa was about double his size. He was attempting to use the force on the animal using beast control to control the beast although he wasn't looking to befriend the beast only to calm it down before he could slay it and use the meat as food and maybe to skin as a extra layer of clothes. While he was staring using the force at the beast his black hair strands that goes over his nose bridge and next to his eyes would flow a bit with the wind. The padawan didn't blink ones he just kept staring with his eyes narrows until the beast started to stand on all four of its legs into a calm position. He calmly walked towards the beast before he quickly beheaded it.

The Padawan used force grip to drag the body with his and he was carrying the head of the beast in his hand using the horn as grip. He makes his way back towards the ship and slowly started to take the ship apart so he could use a igniter to star a fire although without any wood that was ind of hard so he setted his death master on fire so he could be one with the force but also she had a fire to cook "I am sorry master"He said before he setted him on fire and started to skin the wampa body 

[DreadPirateMike]

Right, sorry about the delay.  Moving, or more accurately recovering from the moving proved a somewhat more drawn out process than I'd allowed myself to optimistically believe.  But review time has come at last!  Let's get to work!



Okay, so the first few bits are all good, as is generally the case.  The first hiccup occurs when we get here.

Status: knight
Rank: padawan

If he's still a Padawan, then he is by definition not a Knight yet.  His status would be...Padawan Learner, I suppose.  Or Jedi Trainee.  Something like that.

Height/Weight: 4.10/ 90

That is a tiny, tiny slip of a kid.  Like...the ballerina princess gif is significantly more buff that than.  There's nothing wrong with being abnormally small, I suppose, but it's going to have some bearing on other stuff in the application, which we'll get to.

His stance mostly comes over as a weak person who is scared of everything although he isn't scared he just thinks he isn't good enough

You might want to re-word this.  Being convinced that he's inadequate to every situation he may run into IS being scared, unless he's so apathetic he doesn't care if he succeeds or fails.  And I get no indication of that.

Personality: Okay, so he's painfully shy due to crippling self-esteem issues.  That's fine...kind of interesting to see it in a Jedi.  But is that all there is to him, 24/7?  What about during those moments when he's legitimately calm that you describe?  What's he like to be around then?  Or does he also have to be alone in those happy places to be calm?  And what about in those moments when he's obviously demonstrated that he's NOT inadequate, but actually rather adept at something?  Does he just stubbornly block out the praise, and somehow convince himself in real time that he still sucks?  Or is he capable of being proud of himself?

Equipment: Fine.

Stats: Everything's fine except for the Strength score, which I'm sorry to say is too high.  Average strength requires something at least close to average size and musculature.  Jinn, on the other hand, is a literal 90 pound weakling.  This is the kind of frame I'd expect to see matched up with Feeble strength.  I'm willing to allow Below Average, but I'm afraid that's as far as it could realistically go with someone this size.

Force Stats: Okay, remember when I was reviewing Sora, how I mentioned that an Adept at anything was impressive for a teenager, and would require some sort of explanation in the bio to justify it?  Same problem here.  Granted, this is an obvious Consular build, so he'll focus more on Force abilities, but being more naturally inclined toward something doesn't remove the necessity of putting in the time and effort to learn it.  Here, you have Adept level at two different schools of the Force, and the only thing you ever discuss as far as specifics about his training is the Beast Control, which is just one specific power.  But we'll get into the bio shortly.

Combat Training: This is fine.

Force Training: This list needs to be shortened considerably.  Same problem as mentioned above, only more so.  I THINK I mentioned some of this to you before, but to recap, if nothing else, the powers one lists in this section are a step beyond the stuff you see Jedi doing constantly in the movies, like throwing stuff around with their minds and jumping really high.  They're considerably more rare, esoteric abilities that require a fairly sophisticated understanding of the Force to pull off, and as such, like lightsaber skills, they require a good deal of time and effort to learn.

Now, that said, there's not technically a hard and fast limit on his many Specialized Powers you can have, but USUALLY, the most that a character gets accepted with here is 3.  And that's for characters, in some cases, twice Jinn's age or more.  I could see one, MAYBE two here if you explain it.  And it's doubtful he'd be Adept at them both.  Oh, and you can take Breath Control, Battle Precognition and Force Grip off that list by default.  Those are standard powers.  Again, he won't be Adept at them all, but any Jedi can use them to some extent.

Other Training: Only one of these skills is currently explained in the bio.  And that'll need a little polishing too.  But again, we'll get to that.

Lightsaber Training: No problem here.

Biography:

Although little did they know that Jinn wouldn't know who his family would be or if he ever had one beside the people at the jedi temple

I assure you, the Jedi would make certain before they took Jinn that his parents were clear on what it would mean.  The Order asks a lot of the parents, but they're not big on misleading them.

When he got 13 years old Jinn was fully ready to get a master and even got one in no time since he aced every assignment he got when he was a youngling without any problem although he always thinkgs he isn't good enoug.

Oookay, so there's a lot going on in this sentence here, so let me address one point at a time.

- 13th birthday is the cutoff point.  If he didn't have a master before that, it'd be back to Alderaan or into the Service Corps for him.

- What exactly do you mean when you say he "aced every assignment"?  That sounds more like he's in a regular school, and always does well on the quizzes.  Now, granted, classroom instruction is a PART of an Initiate's upbringing, so sure, he always aced those astronomy quizzes.  Sweet.  But then there's the actual mystical Jedi bits.  Lightsaber training, meditation, honing force powers and all that.  Those aren't as straightforward as pass/fail, or earning so many points.  And he inevitably would have lagged behind some of his peers in certain areas.  Nobody's best at everything.

- Then, we get into his thinking he's never good enough, with which I have two issues.  For one, it just kind of comes out of nowhere.  There has to be some REASON why he feels so inadequate, and just his size alone doesn't really explain it, since you have him excelling in spite of it.  And that leads into the second problem.  If he's beset by all these gnawing doubts about his ability and self-worth, he wouldn't be burning up the tracks as a Jedi in training.  Remember that whole scene from Empire Strikes Back on Degobah, where Yoda talks about limitations being largely in your head?  If Jinn doesn't THINK he can perform as a Force User, then he can't perform as a Force User.

Jinn started to travel with his master through out the universe although his master had one missions for him on the planet of Aris where he was left alone by his master for a year making Jinn learn to survive on his own.

Holy reckless child endangerment, Batman!

Seriously, though, that's some pretty gross negligence on the part of his master, which would get him censured right quick as soon as the High Council caught wind of it.  A week, I could see.  Aris doesn't seem like an especially dangerous planet.  If his master (This guy is going to need a name, by the way.) was secretly keeping tabs on him somehow, ready to step in if Jinn got himself in trouble, maybe as long as a month.  

As is, Jinn's master just isn't remotely doing his job.  Popping in a year later to check and see if his student is still alive?  It's his duty to do everything in his power to ensure his Padawan's safety.  Furthermore, even if he somehow KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jinn would be alright, it's still the master's job to TEACH.  It's cool that Jinn's learning useful survival skills, but he's not being taught any of it.  AND he's missing out on a year of all the other training that a Jedi might need.  So, unless Jinn's master is some kind of nutjob who's somehow keeping all this under the Council's radar, this section's going to need some revision.

Also:

it had a special waterproof casing in it since he knew Jinn loved to be underwater.

How does he know this?  You mention this in the Personality section, but you never actually mention any instances of Jinn spending any time underwater.  Or at the tops of tall buildings, for that matter.  Or drawing.  See where I'm going with this?  

Jinn continued his training although the training didn't last longer then 2 years since when they were going on a mission at the Hoth planet they crashed the ship with a failed engine

- So what were those two years of training like?  What did he learn?  More importantly, what sort of a relationship did he have with his master?  

- What was the mission?  Hoth is awesome and all, but generally speaking, there's not a whole lot there.  So what drew the Jedi Order's attention?

- What caused the engine failure?  Some sort of enemy action, or did the ship just suffer a freak engine malfunction at the very end of its journey?

Jinn woke up a week later after the crash

A week?  Even assuming the cold was a non-issue, which it could be if the hull was intact and he was in a non-exposed section, this is dicey.  He'd likely be dead from dehydration alone after that long.  Judging by the picture and the description, Jinn doesn't have much of anything by way of body fat, so food would be almost as serious an issue.  A Jedi could theoretically extend that with some sort of protective trance, but Jinn's not going to be using the Force if he's unconscious.  And if he took a hit bad enough to leave him unconscious for that long, then he's gonna be in BAD shape when he wakes up.  Much worse than he seems to be in the RP Sample.  Oh, and speaking of which...

Roleplay Sample:

He was wondering the plains in hope he could find some food since the randsome of the ship was wearing out

I'm not sure what this means.  Do you mean rations?

although he wasn't looking to befriend the beast only to calm it down before he could slay it...He calmly walked towards the beast before he quickly beheaded it.

I'm not sure if I'm quite seeing the Jedi in all this.  The actions themselves are okay.  If a Jedi needs to kill an animal to survive, then that's what they need to do.  If it's a particularly dangerous animal, and they need to use some power to calm it down first, that's okay too.  It's just the utter lack of ceremony that seems off.  You've gotta remember, Jedi are characterized by a reverence for life, and that extends beyond just people.  Again, if killing the thing is necessary, it's necessary.  But I'd expect to see some moment of reflection about it, some regret about having to use the Force to trick and then behead the thing.

Also, why does he keep the head afterward?

could use a igniter to star a fire although without any wood that was ind of hard so he setted his death master on fire so he could be one with the force but also she had a fire to coo

So, you recognize the difficulty of starting a fire without wood or some similarly combustible material, which is good, but I think you may underestimate the problem a little.  Just setting a human body on fire is no simple task, and even if you pulled it off, it wouldn't burn like a camp fire.  That's why people have to build the funeral pyre around the body first.  If burning the body is such a priority, you could theoretically try using the ship's fuel as an accelerant, maybe?  I will say, though, I've never heard of burning the body as being necessary for a Jedi to be one with the Force.  The poor guy's there already; the cremation is just a custom.

Also, even if you DID get the body burning right that you could cook meat with it, cooking your food in a fire fueled by a decomposing corpse sounds rather hazardous to your health.  I'm no medical expert, so I don't know offhand how the body being frozen would affect all that, but I'm nevertheless going to go ahead and suggest it's probably not a great idea.  How exactly he's supposed to eat and stay warm is a neat problem for him to work out, but if you want to play all that out, I'd suggest starting something more along the lines of boiled snow and a lightsaber as a heat source.

And that's an app!  Essentially, the main issue right now is that the bio just isn't finished yet.  There's not enough on paper to explain Jinn's journey as a character.  What were his Youngling years like, what drew his master to him in particular, what was there time together like, and so on.  Up until age six or seven, glossing over stuff is okay; it's mainly Jedi play group, and then the most basic of instruction.  But when you get to the most important years of his life, you just can't skip that and still tell the character's story.

So, take a little more time, go back in there and connect the dots.  Then, let me know when you're ready for me to make another sweep through.

[Neology]

Are you still working on this, stoof?

[Neology]

Moved to incomplete.