D'Vhex D'Resh

[Darion]

Name: D'Vhex (Vex) D'Resh
Race: Human (Lorrdian sub-species)
Age: 21
Birthplace: Mandalore
Allegiance: The Mandalorians
Status: None
Rank: Veteran Warrior
Height/Weight: 5'11, 150 lbs

Appearance:
D'Vhex is about average height, weighs around 155 pounds, and has a tan skin tone. When not wearing his black armor he prefers to wear a white short sleeved shirt. His hair is brown and varies in length depending on if he cares to cut it or not. D'Vhexs eyes are a startling light Amber color to the point of being almost gold. Whether this is do to genetics or just a mutation, is unknown. In battle, he wears his black Bes'kar gam armor which is cris crossed with many small scratches.

The helmet to his armor has portions of faded black paint, revealing the reflective underside of the durasteel beneath. with his dual pistols holstered on his hips. His sniper rifle is located on his back and his vibrodaggers are located in various hidden sheathes in his armor. His face is relatively handsome boasting features that make him seem imperious when he talks to others. D'Vhex has short hair and normally walks with a quiet air about him, masking the turmoil within.

He is often clean shaven, and absolutely can not stand facial hair. Vex is usually seen strolling about without his armor when the occasion isn't formal or life threatening. He enjoys the looks of discomfort he gets from Mandalorians who happen to question why he is not wearing his armor. In battle or in formal events he can always be seen with his armor on.

The Quiet War

D'Vhex's armor is now made of beskar equipped with a rangefinder and jetpack. Since the Siege of Vanquo, his hair has been cropped close to his head, and he has grown a few inches. Additionally, he's lost a few pounds and, his new armor has phased out its many sheathes, only keeping one on the underside of the left forearm plate where his Kal now resides. The armor itself is adorned by scarlet linear patterns. D'Vhex remains clean shaven, while his heavy blaster pistol is holstered to his right hip. His Beskad blade's sheath is magnetically locked to his left hip plate for easy access.


Personality:
Vex is a very complex person. He will either insult or offer praise. Vex is normally a very quiet person, only speaking when spoken to or when his input and ideas are needed, in cases where his opinion is needed, he will answer seriously unless the answer is very obvious, in that case, expect scathing sarcasm. Vex enjoys insulting others he dislikes, cursing in fluent Mandalorian, tinkering with starfighters from time to time, and hoarding souvenirs from other planets, no matter how odd. When faced with romantic dilemmas, Vex either retreats, or points to something in the distance and promptly disappears. He has a strange aversion to women looking at him in a romantic light, and will often ignore their advances. Vex also has a strange obsession with symmetry.

He absolutely hates asymmetrical objects and people, and will often refer to them as "asymmetrical heathens". Vex then promptly destroys or fixes the asymmetrical being or object if possible. If not, he will either try to ignore or comment obsessively on how horrible the object/person is until someone or something fixes it. However D'Vhex has no symmetry issues when it comes to things or people he likes oddly enough, but if it is something he does not like or someone he does not know, he usually dislikes whatever is the source or cause of the issue. Vex has also been seen staring at boys around his age, but when questioned as to why, he either shoots you a glare powerful enough to destroy Alderaan or his hand hovers over one of his many vibrodaggers until you stop questioning him and change the subject.

This is because Vex feels very odd about his feelings, and is not used to being romantically involved with, well, anyone. He's as lost on this subject as he is to friendship, which he has little to no experience with due to his reclusive tendencies as a child, due to his mother's paranoia. D'Vhex has an intense dislike of slavery and those who participate in the enslavement of others. He often reacts quickly and often violently when confronted with slaves in need of freedom. However, in the case of Mandalorian slaves, he looks the other way.

The Quiet War

D'Vhex rarely speaks, and has become a much more gruff and uncompromising person. The only time his low voice can be heard is when he is either addressing his contract targets, potential employers, or betters. If he doesn't need to speak, he won't. He is almost singularly devoted to hunting Force Sensitives, almost to religious degree.

He no longer has much care about anything save his singular hobby. His original restraints have since melted away and he has become more of an emulation of Mandalorian culture. Mainly in the aspect that he has become uncompromising, and unforgiving. Valuing honor, strength and victory more than ever before. Along with this, he has begun to idolize mand'alor to an almost religious degree.

Ships/Vehicles:
None
Equipment:

Heavy Blaster Pistol

Mandalorian Armor

Beskad

Jetpack


Biography:

Family:

E'Varion D'Renale Lorrdian (Deceased)


X'era D'Renale Human (Deceased)

Family History

E'Varion grew up on Lorrd and was taught the kinetic language of his people passed down through the generations since the time of the slavers. He began working at an engineering dock creating Star Fighters. Eventually his love of space travel led him to leave Lorrd and explore the galaxy at large. Eventually he heard tale of the Mandalorian warrior society and went to Mandalore to investigate the stories he had heard of. As E'Varion arrived on Mandalore, he was suprised to see they lead a lifestyle similar to the one he had always wanted to live. Danger, adventure, guns, what more could he ask for, well, besides a wife. After spending some time on Mandalore he gained notoriety with the D'Renale clan and was adopted into the Mandalorian culture. After a few years of fighting, shooting, and stealing E'Varion met another Mandalorian on a separate mission. She had been surrounded by several bounty hunters and was in the process of waiting to be picked off. Due to E'Varion doing the "correct" thing, the Mandalorian woman was saved. Once they both returned to Mandalore, E'Varion found out her name, X'era. After going on several bounty missions together and terrorizing anyone not aligned with them, they decided to "settle down" if that's possible for Mandalorian warriors. Several years later, D'Vhex was born.

The fall of Clan D’Renale

During the last crusade the D'Renale Clan fought in numerous battles and were slowly whittled down to a few dozen members. Due to this, the clan was recalled back to Mandalore to try and recover from the losses, dropping out of the war effort entirely.

Due to the previous casualties all those years ago, and the tarnished reputation due to dropping out of the war effort. Clan D’Renale was a small clan before the war started. Due to war casualties and a string of mysterious botched jobs the clan was whittled down to a very small number. When the deaths began to occur on Mandalore a clan meeting was called to discuss the happenings and to root out the source of the disturbances. D'Vhex and X'era abstained from the meeting due to X'era’s paranoia. When no one returned from the meeting, X'era had feared the worst and decide to keep a watchful eye on the last heir to her clan.

Childhood

D'Vhex was born to E'Varion and X'era in the year 3616 BBY. He spent his early childhood training with his father at age five. Although due to his body's refusal to pack on immense amount of muscle, mental and ranged weapon training was substituted for the more physical side of things. During his ninth year while practicing at the shooting range, D'Vhex somehow managed to find the perfect position to hit the bullseye on the target every single time. E'Varion, not impressed with these "lucky shots" even if a slug thrower has its disadvantages due to being affected by wind, E'Varion knew that the bullets were hard to trace, and the benefits could outweigh the disadvantages should his son become proficient. Due to this, he had Vex switch to a different scope. After coming close to repeating the feat, Vex once again found the perfect angle, and managed to sync himself with the wind just enough to continue to hit the bullseye. During D'Vhex's tenth year E'Varion went out on a routine bounty hunting mission. The deal turned sour, and as E'Varion was escaping back onto his ship with his crew, he was gunned down. His body was brought back in the heavily damaged ship, and he was buried later that week. D'Vhexs mother was never the same after she received the news. She became paranoid that the same people who killed E'Varion would come for them, always keeping an iron grip on D'Vhex whenever they were out and about. She neglected his training physically, and only allowed him to practice gun fighting at their private shooting range outside.

Verd'Goten

When D'Vhex reached age 13, his mother told him that his verd'goten would be a test of his ability to survive in less than stellar situations. In a huge breech of character, X'era took Vex to an unfamiliar city, and then took him to the rougher part of town. After arriving, Vex questioned his mother as she handed him a large bag of credits and then happily shoved him out into the street before taking off. Vex then put two and two together, and realized he needed to stay alive and get back home. That was his test. And the cash..was incentive for the local bullies to rob him. D'Vhex then looked up and realized he was surrounded, they were an assortment of lowlife rabble. He didn't see any blasters among their ranks but they did have a very nice collection of small vibro weapons and various crude bludgeons. With a heavy sigh D'Vhex gazed around the three people surrounding him. He then rolled his eyes and assumed a ready stance. All three charged and Vex laughed at all of them.

Not willing to get into a drawn out fight, he decided to end things quickly. His mother had taken his weapons, but, she had failed to check his mouth. Pulling the small sheath from his mouth, he whipped the small spike out of its sheath. The thugs laughed as they saw such a small weapon. However, they forgot to take in the fact the sheath had been laced with poison before hand, not the blade. As Vex whipped the spike out of it's sheath the poison rubbed off on the blade. The fight proceeded very quickly. Vex stabbed the three men when they over extended themselves to hit him. Eventually, the number of poisoned stabs brought the three men to their knees, paralyzed. 

Vex left the area before the authorities were alerted, and he had to answer how and why he had beaten up thugs in a slum. Seven days it took Vex to find someone cheap enough to drive him back to his city. Seven days he fought through that city fighting all who opposed him. When he finally arrived home, he was bruised, bloody, had some minor cuts and a knife sticking out of his shoulder. Other than that, he appeared fine. X'era coldly looked over Vex's injuries and told him to go take care of himself, and then to go practice weapons training. She then turned away from him and walked deeper into the house.

Current

X'era's condition came to a head in 3600 BBY when D'Vhex asked where his father's arms and armor had been stashed for the past several years. X'era, fearing her son would die as well, could not mentally handle the strain and snapped. As D'Vhex attempted to restrain her, she knocked him backwards and fled the building, a note fluttered to the floor. In the excitement of trying to find his mother who had so politely bolted out the door, D'Vhex did not open the note. Vex ran after his mother, and was lead down an alley. Just as he had cornered her and was about to ask why she had run, a blaster went off. X'era fell to the floor dying as D'Vhex looked upward. A figure cloaked in black, with an odd mask covered with red lines engraved in intricate knots over his face bolted along the rooftops. With other issues to worry about, Vex knelt at his mothers side. X'era, with her dying breaths, told him a series of numbers, 79431, she then gave him the location of a storage unit, and told him to go to the warehouse district.

X'era then closed her eyes, and never woke again. Later that week a shady Rodian approached D'Vhex and told him that a storage unit with his fathers name on it was set to be auctioned tomorrow unless the current holder emptied out the unit. Feeling uneasy about the situation, but having no other option besides leaving his father's items to whoever the Rodians auctioned them off to, he agreed to empty the unit. D'Vhex went to the storage unit warehouse under the cover of darkness. As he reached the unit his mother had described, he entered the code, 79431, and just as the door opened, the same Rodian and three others approached D'Vhex from the shadows. Stepping out into the light, the Rodian demanded D'Vehx hand over the contents of the storage unit so they could take what was inside and sell it. D'Vehx of course refused and the Rodians believing D'Vhex to be unarmed charged in vibroknives and daggers flying. D'Vehx had a vivid flash back from his childhood, and remembered the lessons his father had grilled into his head during the many long hours of combat training a young Mandalorian must undergo. He retreated into a nearby alleyway that was narrow enough that only one Rodian at a time could attack him. The Rodians gave chase and as the first Rodian entered the alley, he caught an elbow to the face and then as his head snapped backward D'Vhex grabbed him by the throat and slammed his head into the alley wall.

Shouting Uktreekov As the Rodian crumpled to the floor. D'Vhex then drew one of the many vibrodaggers hidden on his person and dealt with the other two in a similar but more lethal manner. He then stepped out of the alley to confront the ring leader. As the head Rodian attempted to escape, D'Vhex pulled out the vibro dagger he had hidden in his boot. He then launched the knife into the thigh of the Rodian. D'Vhex then advanced onthe Rodian and told him in a very quiet voice, that should he attempt to come back and try his little stunt again, he would vex him for years to come. With that, D'Vhex drew back his fist and quickly knocked the Rodian out cold. He then retrieved his dagger and entered the storage unit.

Inside he found his father's dual blaster pistols, his stash of thermal detonators, and a brand new sniper rifle. D'Vhex finally feeling curious as to the contents of the note dropped by his mother. The note was signed by his father oddly enough. Like the man himself, it was short and to the point. It read: In the event of my death, I give my armor, my blasters and my thermal detonators to my son. ~E'Varion Ren'Denale~. D'Vhex then exited the storage unit and slowly sat against the wall of a nearby warehouse, trying to envision what his future held. D'Vhex knew that even though he was now clan less as his family had all been destroyed. Knowing that keeping the same last name could prove fatal. With his future uncertain, and the outcome of recent events even more so, he sat in the alleyway, thinking.

The Quiet War (Four Years Later)

D'vhex had managed to survive the war, albeit scarred in more ways than one. His participation at the battle of Vanquo left him with pockmarked Durasteel armor, and one notable scar just under his ribcage where some republic soldier had gotten in a lucky swipe with his vibro-knife. However, as the war had progressed, his views of force sensitives changed, modeling that of his people's in the most extreme sense of the word. While Mandalorian warriors were formidable against most any foe, he had seen his fair share of comrades and kin killed by the blight called "the force". He despises Jedi and has a healthy dislike of the Sith, however he grudgingly respects the sith as they allowed his people to regain much of their lost territory. Although, when the war drew to a close with the signing of an armistice, he was angry. 

Once the order to stand down was given, he returned to Mandalore and began to train. The credits he had gained from the war and its battles and conquests went into upgrading and refining his armaments. The first addition was the replacement of his Durasteel Armor with Beskar. Outfitted in red and black Beskar'gam, he then procured a Beskad blade. D'Vhex had the blade forged notably thinner and slightly longer than most Beskad carried by Mandalorian Warriors. The result was a cost effective blade with less Beskar used, and a lighter, thinner blade whose weight did not leave him unbalanced. His dual blasters were sold to afford one heavy blaster. His Sniper Rifle was then sold in order to provide jump jets for his armor.

His fighting style further reflects this since having shifted from mid-range, to close range. The most notable changes are attributed to the year he spent training on Mandalore after the armistice order. His skill in hand to hand combat now allows him to hold his own when facing force users.

This anger caused him to strike out into the Sith Empire, or what was left of them after their pride had fled. The battle might be over, but the war certainly was not. D'Vhex intends to find a Sith Lord and begin hunting for force sensitives. Jedi, the stray sith apprentice, if they can wave their hand and move something without touching it, D'Vhex will gladly kill them. Provided he gets paid of course.

He talks less now, and has a much darker mindset, as well as an almost religious zeal with which he carries out his crusade in Mandalore's name.

Roleplay Sample: In the dark of a Mandalorian alleyway, D'Vhexs' ragged breathing fills the area. His thoughts are still processing the earlier fight with the Rodians. His father's war helm sits in his lap, Vex is beginning to replace the memories quick fight earlier with happier memories of his long gone childhood. Days spent in relative comfort training to do what his father had done. Vex awoke from his reminiscing and slowly lifted the helmet to stare at the fading paint. He faintly mutters to himself "I need to get this resized..". He knows that if he can get into contact with a Mandalorian clan, their smith might be able to resize the armor for him. durasteel should be easy to resize...right? He thought solemnly to himself. D'Vhex rises to his feet, memories of his past disappearing, becoming replaced with his cold calculating mindset. He knew that the only path open to one such as himself, was to finish what his father started, and find the coward who had killed his mother. He muttered the word "tal" before emptying the unit, and starting back home. Leaving the sounds of dying Rodians behind him, weary from the scuffle.

[Ash]

Hey buddy, Ash here. I know im not a mod, but I help out every now and again. Now, the best thing I can tell you is to check out some of the accepted profiles. Details are key for anything. You don’t necessarily need an incredibly long bio, but details are needed everywhere.

Also, on the left side of the board are a number of important links. If you haven’t checked them out yet, please do.

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

Appearance:
D'Vhex is about average height, weighs around 155 pounds, and has a tan skin tone. When not wearing his black armor he prefers to wear a white short sleeved shirt. His hair is a deep black like most of his race. D'Vhexs eyes are a startling light Amber color to the point of being almost gold. Whether this is do to genetics or just a mutation, is unknown. In battle, he wears his black Bes'kar gam armor, with his dual pistols holstered on his hips. His sniper rifle is located on his back and his vibrodaggers are located in various hidden sheathes in his armor. His face is relatively handsome boasting features that make him seem imperious when he talks to others. D'Vhex has short hair and normally walks with a quiet air about him, masking the turmoil within.

This is a good start for his appearance. Still, it seems like its lacking some stuff: Does he have any scars? Does his armor have any notable scars, scuffs, or small enhancements? Small things.

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

Personality:
Quiet, ruthless, unforgiving, minor amount of compassion, cunning, sly. Has a massive obsession
of collecting souvenirs. Enjoys making sarcastic and unnecessary comments in battle and cursing in Mandalorian.

This needs to be expanded on, and not it list form. Have it written out. Check out some of the other charries to check out how its done. Each experience, especially in childhood, helps add to the personality. Why is he so ruthless? I didn’t see any reasoning behind it in his bio. What made him want to collect souvenirs? History makes personality.

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

Ships/Vehicles:
X-Wing(Ragnarok)
Equipment:
x2 WESTAR-35 blaster pistols(yellow bolts)

This is all a big fat nope. We are at 3599BBY, a few hundred years after the Mandalorian Wars. SWU is running parallel to Star Wars, The Old Republic MMO, but we have been going for years and years before it came out. That should give you an idea of what type of tech and gear there is.

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

Stats:

Strength - below average
Agility - above average
Intelligence - superior
Charisma- feeble

Combat Training:
Mandalorian martial arts: Novice
Gunslinging: Adept
Knife throwing: Adept
Sniping: Expert
Knife fighting: Adept


Other Training:
Lorrdian body language/reading: Expert
Stealth: Adept
People skills: Feeble
Slicing: Master
Piloting: Adept

Now, stats can get a little tricky. A few years to every boost is about right. The biggest thing here is your Intelligence: superior takes a long time to attain, and even senior charries don’t see it much. Even the sniping may be pushing it at Expert, but I will let a mod check it out. I know slicing at Master is out of the question at his age, unless for his entire existence, he had been working on that. Compromises must be made: with higher shooting, his computer skills would be diminished, or vice-versa.

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

Biography: D'Vhex was born on Mandalore 17 years before the Mandalorian Crusades. He never knew his father as he perished in those very same crusades. His mother then took care of him. During his childhood, D'Vhex was taught how to use, and kill with a sniper rifle. He was praised as being a better shot than his father, a fully trained Mandalorian warrior. Soon after he turned 17, his mother mysteriously disappeared! Possibly off world, possibly not.

Ooooooooook, now for the bread and butter of any character: the Bio. Lets start you off a little slow with this and say that you are lacking some details. You skipped over his entire childhood. How was it without his father? Does he have any childhood friends he still keep in touch with? What important events happened, like did he fall down a well or something? Who trained him to use the rifle, family or family friends? These are just a few basic things that should be expanded on.

As another note, there are no unknowns around here, even if they are unknown to the character. Is his mother dead or did she just leave her kid? Was she kidnapped? This should be looked into.

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

D'Vhex scoured the surface of Mandalore looking for her, but to no avail. The only thing his mother decided to leave in D'Vhex's possession, was his father's black Mandalorian Bes'kar armor, and his Bes'kar blade.

If your mother isn’t dead, then how did she leave this behind? Also, beskargam is nigh-indestructible. He may fit into some armor at his size, but he is still growing. Is this the same armor his father had around the time he died, or was this an older set?

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

Later that week a shady Rodian approached D'Vhex and told him that a storage unit with his last name on it was set to be auctioned tomorrow unless the current holder emptied out the unit. Feeling uneasy about the situation, D'Vhex went to the storage unit warehouse under the cover of darkness. As he reached the unit with his last name displayed on the door, the shady Rodian and three of his friends approached D'Vhex from the shadows. Stepping out into the light, the Rodian demanded D'Vehx open the storage unit so they could take what was inside and sell it. D'Vehx of course refused and the Rodians believing D'Vhex to be unarmed charged in with their fists flying.

This is a good little story, or at least a start to it. This is the kind of stuff we love seeing around here: a little taste of adventure. A few things, however: the unit could have his last name, but there are usually many Mandalorians with the same clan name. Would he go somewhere a shady Rodian told him to go alone? Food for thought.

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

D'Vehx remembered the lessons his father had grilled into his head during the many long hours of combat training a young Mandalorian must undergo.

I thought his father was dead?

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

He retreated into a nearby alleyway that was narrow enough that only one Rodian at a time could attack him.

No blasters of any kind?

Oct 14, 2015 11:36:11 GMT -5 Darion said:

Inside he found his father's dual blaster pistols, his stash of thermal detonators, and a brand new sniper rifle. Along with these items a note signed by his father. Like the man himself, it was short and to the point. It read: In the event of my death, I give my armor, my blade, and my blasters to my son. ~E'Varion Ren'Denale~. D'Vhex then exited the storage unit and slowly sat against the wall of a nearby warehouse, trying to envision what his future held.

Seems like a long time to wait for all of this. Why did everything remain hidden until this exact moment of time instead of being distributed out to him upon his father death, or his mother’s disappearance?

Well, there are a few things that should help you smooth everything out, and work to get your charrie up on his feet faster.

[Darion]

Good points and questions all, yeah, the tech I was expecting some of it to be rejected. Skill wise, I'll definitely be changing some things. As for the story inconsistencies...I'll work a few kinks out. As for the remembering the lessons taught to him, that was more of a flashback of several years prior, I'll clarify that in a revision. Also, the wait for the equipment would be due to him not knowing about it before his father's death, and his mother only telling him of the items before she disappeared. At the point, Vex has no idea if she is alive or not. I'll be furiously typing away, thank you for your time Ash, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

[Julian]

Hey Darion, Julian here. I just wanted to suggest that we handle your joining the D'Resh Clan in one of your early threads, maybe even your first. That way we can get a good feel for each other in actual play, and you can focus on D'Vhex's origins here without worrying about involvement with another player.

[Darion]

Yeah, that's a good idea, I'll keep modifying my app then.

[lion]

Hi there! My name's Lion, I'll be giving a review of your character, under the auspices of the actual admins here. Now, what I say is merely a guideline; the guys in green and red are the ones with the final say as to whether or not your character gets the all clear, but it's always good to have another opinion and avenue of thought, you know?  So again, don't be disheartened, retooling is an important step in character creation and one I know I've had to undergo LOTS here.

With that aside, let's get in! 
-------------------------------

Initial stuff: 

Name, size and all that's fine, good to go. I like the average size you've gone with for this guy, it certainly suits his age. Gotta love the choice of an alien species, too, way to go. :3

Appearance:

Alrighty! Nice bit of detail here which is neat, and I like that you've listed how he appears both in and out of his armor, too. Covering both his physical self and his choice in attire is pretty good, and I find what a character chooses to wear helps outline their personality, you know? That said, there's something here we'll need to cover when we hit stats.

Personality:

Alright, this one may need a bit of blowing out. Personality's what makes a character a character; arguably it should be one of the biggest points in a bio (biggest being the history, of course) to cover as it defines how they are and, more importantly, who they are to others. If you've listed him as a complex person, in what way? Is he difficult to get along with, perhaps? Hypocritical? Flippant? 

I do like that you've separated personality based on situation (in fighting, out of fighting), but why not expand on that? Why is he flashy and reckless in battle when he's quiet and simple out of it? Furthermore, I'd say list some other scenarios as facets of his personality; how is he toward friends, or toward intimacy, or in adverse situations? Essentially, try to outline how he is at his best and at his worst.

I like that you listed hobbies, though, that's good! Keep on that line; does he have any little flaws or vices he engages in? A sweet-tooth, for example, or perhaps he's gotta do something a certain way for some reason. It's not necessary, of course, but food for thought; even if he's completely free of these things, it's worth noting that he specifically doesn't have them. Tying in with appearance, particularly the facial hair bit, suggests he takes care in his appearance, for example.

Equipment:

Fair enough from what I can see. What's the knife made out of, though? Love the detail of listing the blade shape, though, that's pretty insightful; does the clip-point confer any advantages? Any disadvantages? Not huge, but consider it when this guy fights with it. 

Much love for the slugthrower rifle, too; got a character myself using 'em. Just remember that a slug's got less range than a blaster, and comes with its own pros and cons. Might be worth listing if it's packing a mounted scope or if he's using iron-sights, though.

I like the mention of armor, but consider that armor, no matter how light, impacts movement and has a weight to it, yar?

Stats:

Alrighty! By the sound of the build, he's a guy relying more on speed and intelligence than strength, but keep in mind that Agility also means flexibility, balance and grace of gait, and I'd imagine reflexes. Might be difficult to fully bring that to bear in armor (even light), but it's not so far out that it'd be unacceptable, but it may come into play that he's generally weaker than average as well.

Feeble charisma, though, might be a thing that you can expand on. Charisma not only encompasses appearance, but one's sense of self, and this is where you can really start packing on the personality section for it. Is he easily persuaded into doing things he wouldn't normally do? Does he feel he's living in a shadow, or perhaps, completely socially inept? Or just not a social person at all?

This doesn't need to change if you don't want, but keep this in mind. That said, you did list him as handsome, too; bit of an imbalance.

Combat Training:

If stats reflect personality, this reflects bio. Where's he learned these skills, from who, and why? Expert sniping suggests he's been with a rifle for most of his life, which is fair enough, but keep in mind that his history needs to reflect this, rather than merely mention it. However, like above, this is where you can add much to your history; I can see a short story already of this guy learning how to use a rifle, making his first shots, eventually managing to hit targets, learning how to gauge wind and all that.

Knife fighting and throwing is fine, just keep in mind that a combat knife and a throwing knife are two very different beasts, as one will be balanced differently to the other.

Gunslinging I take it to mean use of pistols? If so, probably better to list it as pistol marksmanship, or are you meaning that he's a snap draw, etc? That's fair enough if you're meaning the whole thing. Again, from who, where, and why are important factors to list in your bio.

Other listings there, all good. The martial arts point does surprise me, though; I would imagine Mandalorians would be constantly sparring, practicing and working on these skills, as a lot of the unarmed martial arts motions carry into weapon skills. Is he someone that's just not done well or learned? Become rusty? Again, something to outline. :3

Other Skills:

This is where you can list the fun stuff that isn't battle related ,and it's cool you've done so. Very smart on listing the Lorrdian language here, ditto with people skills and the like. I see no issue here. :3

Bio:

Before I get into this, I'll just reiterate what I said above, that you can use so much of the info you've listed above to pad this out and really get into your character. With that in mind, let's dig into this. I'm gonna divide this into sections of age for you, as I find it's a good idea to treat a bio as several short stories interwoven by time rather than one big beast. With that aside, down to business.

Youth: Here's a good opportunity to express what this guy was like as a kid, how his upbringing was, and what would go on to form his personality. This is an important step in life, after all, the formative years, and shouldn't be glossed over for too long. You've said he was born "17 years before the Mandalorian Crusades", but since those kicked off in 7,000BBY , I'm gonna guess you meant "17 years before the end of the Crusades". Yar?

Anyway, either or, outline who these guys were! Parents are important, as these are two figures (or one) that your character as a child would look up to. Who was D'Vhex's father, who was his mother? What were they like as people? All this has an impact on character development, and forming this guy into who he is as a grown man, so don't feel afraid to flesh it out. :3

I'm all good with a child been taught how to use a rifle, but I would imagine this would be in the latter stages of childhood. Even with a proud warrior people like the Mandalorians, whilst I could see them raising kids around weapons, I'm gonna guess they're not handing them out until the boy's responsible enough to handle it. This could be a point to also focus on; why is he being taught to use a slugthrower rifle specifically, and what challenges surround it? And more importantly, who taught him? His mother or his father? If the latter, when did he die?

Being a better shot than his father, a full-trained warrior, maybe. Again, outline the father and when D'Vhex surpassed him, and I'm all for it. As it stands, you've written as if as a simple novice, he's better, which seems unlikely. Spend some time here outlining the progress; was he a natural with a rifle, or did he have to take extra time to get all the details?

Teen years/Current:

Since this guy's so young, I'm lumping these together into one big ol' lot of time for you. I love the little story of adventure and action with the Rodians, but what came before it is a little uncertain. His mother up-and-vanishing seems a little uncertain, considering Here it's saying Mandalorian women are expected to raise their children to adulthood, and whilst I'm up for some sudden disappearance angle, explain why. Was she targeted ,perhaps?

Which does bring me to the next bit, as pointed out, the gear. How come it wasn't bequeathed sooner? Mandalorian armor is important in their culture ,I'd imagine the passing of a suit from father to son would be extremely important and thus wouldn't be left to linger in a storage room. That said, I'm up for it being forgotten, or perhaps a spare suit; there's ways to work around it. :3

You do mention here his father having taught him, so I'm going to presume his father taught him to shoot, so again, go back to youth and tell us a bit about Mr. Mandalorian and when he died. :3

Other than that, I agree with Ash. Make the changes he suggests, and consider some of these, and you should be good to go. Of course, these are only suggestions, and at the end of the day, the mods are the ones who give you the all clear or not.

With that said, good luck!

[Darion]

Thank you for the suggestions! I'm already working on revisions, I honestly appreciate it.

[Julian]

Well bud, I'm gonna take a crack at giving you a proper review (well, in my case, a proper I'm-not-a-mod-these-are-just-suggestions, but either way). Remember, these are just suggestions. If Lion says something I say isn't valid, he's probably right. If a member of the staff says something I say isn't valid, they're right, full-stop. Now, enough of me digging my own grave.

Age
You have his age listed as 17, but the first paragraph of your biography says he was born in 3636 BBY, which would make him 37. Unless some serious voodoo was happening to this kid when he was born, one of these things probably needs changed! If 17 is your age of choice, the appropriate year would be 3616 BBY.

Personality
Now you have some real meat! However, I think there are still some questions that you could answer. First, why does battle bring out his wild side? Is it the adrenaline? Is he imitating the bombastic attitude that some other Mandalorians go into a fight with? This shift in attitude is definitely something you should explore. On the same note, you say that he's able to maintain a high level of combat efficiency while pulling off dangerous stunts, but I can't see my way to daredevil fighting being particularly intuitive. Did he practice that sort of thing in private while growing up? Something to address in the bio.

I like that you took the time to point out some of Vex's personal struggles, his compulsions and tics. It really fleshes out the idea that this man has truly awful people skills, but it's not really his fault that such is the case. I'm curious how they affect his life, though. Most people don't have symmetrical faces, and Mandalorian armor is asymmetrical by default (the swing-down eyepiece that looks like an antenna makes sure of that), so how does he keep his cool when nearly everything he comes across provokes that dislike? Is releasing pent-up frustrations part of why he changes so much in the heat of battle?

My second heavyweight question is this: Why is Vex defensive and ashamed of his sexuality? How did he learn that behavior? Mandalorian society accepts people from all walks of life, and cares more about personal chemistry in family units than procreation or genetic relation. Mandos don't care if you decide to marry a geriatric Wookiee and a adopt a Hutt, so long as your relationship is healthy and you love your child.

Confusion can be very frightening, and I'm not saying he can't possibly feel this way, but I do want to know why the culture hasn't resonated with him. Something else that can be addressed with additional biography information. 

You also haven't mentioned how he interacts with friends. Does he have many? Does he try to change his behavior to get people to like him? Has he had negative experiences trying to make friends, and does he have any that are especially important to him? Whatever the answers are, growing up with or without friends and people to talk to must have had an effect on him, and is - you guessed it! - worth including in the biography.

Equipment
Lion's questions still stand. Since it's so important to him, how is his the slugthrower outfitted? Is it scoped? Has he modified it at all? Are his vibrodaggers designed for hand-to-hand or throwing? While it's true that a throwing dagger is usually reasonably useful in close combat, the inverse is not: Throwing a knife that isn't properly balanced for throwing is about as useful as throwing your blaster, but at least the blaster might be heavy. Vibro weapons are also known to interact with tissues like lightsabers react with everything (that is, cut through it extremely easily), so are his daggers designed to stick in the target, or cut at them until they fall out or are retrieved?

This is related to your appearance, but it works better here. His armor almost certainly isn't made of Mandalorian Iron unless it was handed down (even then, it still might not be), which your bio no longer states that it was, and there are two reasons why I'm making that claim. First, beskar is hard to come by and very valuable (it's a Restricted Tech, so you need a very good explanation for having it). Second, D'Vhex hasn't completed his verd'goten, the Mandalorian rite of passage, so he isn't considered an adult by other Mandalorians, and therefore not deserving of "real" armor. I'll have more to say on this in the biography.

Stats/Combat Training/Other Training
These are good, although I will mention them in regards to your bio. Some small issues, though. Slugthrowers and blasters wouldn't be covered by the same skill (they function very differently), so you may want to clarify that he's an expert at using a slugthrower sniper, and gunslinging with blasters. If he's also a good sniper with a blaster, that's a separate thing, because a blaster bolt will travel differently than a bullet and won't be affected by the same factors.

Biography
Now we get to the real stuff.

D'Vhex was born to E'Varion and X'era in the year 3636 BBY.

I mentioned this already, but it doesn't hurt to show you what I mean. Either he's 37, or this should be 3616 BBY.

He spent his early childhood training with his father

Did they start at the traditional age of eight, or earlier? Earlier isn't unheard of, but I want to know how much time they spent working together.

During practice at the shooting range, D'Vhex somehow managed to find the perfect position to hit the bullseye on the target every single time.

Mmmm. Mandalorian, so this may be possible at an early age, but there are qualifiers. When did this occur? Was it a few years into training? It certainly didn't just happen one day, suddenly he was a great shot where the day before he wasn't. I understand the idea that he was a natural, but why didn't his father notice his progress before the day of the "perfect position?"

After coming close to repeating the feat, Vex once again found the perfect angle, and managed to sync himself with the wind just enough to continue to hit the bullseye.

Why were they using slugthrowers? I ask because a blaster bolt is largely unaffected by wind. Had they already done this with blasters? If so, I find the idea of Vex intuiting how to fire accurately much more believable, but the above still applies.

(Wind sync does not work in armor as the wind can not be felt)

You don't really need this. There are a lot of ways Vex could know things like wind speed with his bucket on, from an advanced scope to a HUD in his eyepiece. Learning how to accommodate for wind without being able to feel it should also have been a high priority. Otherwise, he's not a very capable sniper.

When Mand'alor gave the call, E'Varion went with him and fought in the failed battle.

First, when did this happen? How old was D'Vhex?

If it was more than three years ago, then no, E'Varion didn't die fighting for Mand'Alor. For over fifty years, the Mandalorians have been forced to live subservient to the Republic, due to the Treaty of Mando'a. They could rule no worlds, command no military forces, couldn't even have more than 100 members in any given clan. Mand'Alor obeyed that treaty, because the alternative was the Republic wiping them out. This only changed very recently, in 3,602. If E'varion died in the last three years, then yes, he would have been following Mand'Alor, he went off to war and didn't come back, but that can only have happened since the Mandalorians reclaimed their independence. As such, his mother's fear of the Republic makes much less sense, because she should also have been off fighting the war.

He could still have died in battle before 3,602, but it probably would have been a inglorious death doing mercenary work, not fighting for Mand'Alor.

In the excitement of trying to find his mother who had so politely bolted out the door, D'Vhex did not open the note. He wondered how long this had been covered up. D'Vhex also continuously asked himself why he had failed to question his mother sooner. Later that week a shady Rodian approached D'Vhex...

So... Where's X'eras? Why did Vex seemingly give up on finding her in less than a week? Regardless of whether or not he knows where she is, you need to explain what became of her. That is a universal rule of applications: There are no unknowns for the reader. Why didn't he open the note?

And again, when did this happen?

He retreated into a nearby alleyway that was narrow enough that only one Rodian at a time could attack him. The Rodians gave chase and as the first Rodian entered the alley, he caught an elbow to the face and then as his head snapped backward D'Vhex grabbed him by the throat and slammed his head into the alley wall. As the Rodian crumpled to the floor D'Vhex dealt with the other two in a similar matter before stepping out of the alley to confront the ring leader.

Why weren't the Rodians armed? I'm not saying they should be, but I'm curious about why they didn't bring blasters, or even a stun baton. More importantly, D'Vhex is, by your own description, physically weak and very minimally trained in close combat. He's a little quicker than the average person, sure, but having him deal with three assailants with his bare hands doesn't fit the character you have established up to this point. He had daggers, which he is fairly good with, so why did he not use one immediately?

This also isn't a "flashy" way to deal with his enemies, it's very calculated and efficient, which contradicts what you said in Personality.

He then retrieved his dagger and entered the storage unit.

Was there a password? A key? A DNA code wouldn't work, but there must have been some lock, otherwise the Rodians wouldn't need D'Vhex, and I want to know how he overcame that lock.

Inside he found his father's dual blaster pistols, his stash of thermal detonators, and a brand new sniper rifle.

You removed E'Varion's armor from this list, but you said that D'Vhex doesn't know where the armor is. What became of it?

In the event of my death, I give my armor, my blade, and my blasters to my son. ~E'Varion Ren'Denale~

Why didn't E'Varion trust his wife to pass this message on verbally, or leave a formal will? How did the blasters get to the storage unit? What blade? This note needs context and revised, I think.


I will close on a separate point, one that covers the biography as a whole. D'Vhex is growing up on Mandalore, among Mandalorians, and presumably in a clan. However, he hasn't done his verd'goten, the Mandalorian rite of passage, where you complete some type of test - it varies from clan to clan - that proves a young Mandalorian is a true warrior. This is supposed to be completed at thirteen if you grew up Mando, and it is how you come to be seen as an adult in the society. Now, part of this issue is that the timeline of your biography is so fuzzy. If D'Vhex was only twelve or thirteen during the incident with the Rodians, that means you have another four years and an important milestone to cover. If he was sixteen or seventeen, then he should have been fighting for Mand'Alor for years at this point, and you should still be covering the milestone.

There are two alternatives to this. The first is that X'eras prevented him from doing it in an attempt to keep him safe, but that still ends with X'eras being considered dar'manda (a term that means someone is willfully ignorant of his or her Mandalorian heritage, and should be regarded with contempt, even expelled from the clan and planet) and D'Vhex being considered a child despite his age. Not a good outcome, no?

The second is that D'Vhex didn't grow up in an actual clan, which means he isn't truly Mandalorian yet. If you didn't grow up in a clan, then you do your verd'goten within a few years of joining (this is how biological adults from other cultures become Mando'ade).

Now, because you're planning to join a different clan than the one D'Vhex was born into (mine, specifically), if you want to have him join earlier than we spoke of before, please PM me and we'll hammer out how D'Vhex joined Clan D'Resh and completed his verd'goten, which you can then write out and include in your biography. Whether you want to say he joined the D'Resh at the earliest possible time (around the age of fourteen), was clanless until recently, or even if you want to say he did the Ren'Denale verd'goten and hasn't joined the D'Resh at this time, that's up to you, but the verd'goten is a big deal for Mandalorians and should absolutely be in your biography.

In Conclusion
No matter what you think of anything else I wrote, it would be very wise to establish a firm timeline. Tell us when the major events occurred, and things will go very smoothly from there. I hope I didn't come off as harsh or unfair, I only want to help you truly find D'Vhex, so that you will have the most fun possible playing him. Otherwise, I think you're making great progress, and I look forward to reading the next update!

[Darion]

Thanks a ton Julian, I'll work on dates today, and I'll hammer out the kinks when I get home from school.

[Fromikeable]

Hey bud. Just lemmie know when you get those last few edits sorted out, and I'll hit you up with something official. Also, thanks everybody for the help!

[Darion]

Gotcha, I'm already workin on em

[DreadPirateMike]

Okay, so Darion, once again, apologies for not being able to get this up sooner.  Hopefully, my rambling walls of text are worth it.  

And to those of you who stepped in to help out with the reviews, thanks so much!  Any member who feels they have something insightful to add is welcome, nay encouraged to do so at any time!  So, lovely to see folks taking part in the basic operation!  That's what democracy looks like!



Anyway, on to the review!

Name-Rank: This is all fine, though referring to the Lorrdians as a sub-species raises a few points. It's okay, of course. According to Wookiepedia, they were sometimes classified as Near-Human, but...well, we'll get to it.

Height/Weight: A skinny Mando. Unconventional choice. I approve!

Appearance: Okay, this is pretty solid, overall. Just a couple points.

His hair is brown unlike most Lorrdians, although this is due to his mothers genetic influence.

You may know something I don't, but I can't find any reference to a lack of brown haired Lorrdians. I'd be somewhat surprised to find it, given that brown hair is hardly unusual in regular humans, and genetically speaking, Lorrdians ARE regular humans. Regardless, what difference do his mom's genes make? Is she not Lorrdian herseld?

The helmet to his armor has portions of faded black paint, revealing the reflective underside of the Mandalorian iron beneath.

This I bring up simply because of the attached picture, in which the shiny part is the visor. I just wanted to make sure you weren't referring to this, simply because the visor can't be made of Mandalorian Iron. Beskar isn't transparent.

D'Vhex has short hair and normally walks with a quiet air about him, masking the turmoil within.

Again, some discrepancy with the picture, since I don't think of "short" hair as coming completely down past the eyes, but if the character's actual appearance simply deviates from the picture in that instancem it's fine. Just some clarification may help there. More importantly, I'd like some more about this "quiet air" about his. After all, staying quiet on its own isn't going to conceal having a lot on your mind. It could just as easily accentuate it! So, what else is there about his demeanor that diverts attention from his personal anguish? Just a stone cold poker face? False content front? That sort of thing.


Personality: Okay, there's a lot of good stuff going on here! A Mandalorian youth struggling with confusion about his sexual orientation, and a touch of OCD on top? This section is where you really get a chance to make your character stand out from the cookie cutter rank and file, and I'd say you nailed it!
 


That said, there are also some issues that need to be addressed.

Vex is a very complex person. He will either insult or offer praise. Vex is normally a very quiet person, only speaking when spoken to or when his input and ideas are needed.

I'm a little confused what this means. If he keeps his mouth shut, then he's offering neither praise, nor insult. Do you mean that if he's asked for his input, he'll always give either a diss or a compliment, rather than something tactfully neutral?

However, on the field of battle, he becomes loud and reckless, often pulling off idiotic stunts or managing to fire flashy trick shot. Although he does get in over his head at times, he can usually stab or run himself out of most problems. Vex enjoys insulting the enemy, cursing in fluent Mandalorian, tinkering with starfighters from time to time, and hoarding souvenirs from other planets, no matter how odd.

See, the problem here is that you're describing how he behaves in battle, but according to your bio, he's never BEEN in battle. His fight with the Rodians is the only dangerous confrontation depicted in his life. Certainly, this could make sense down the line, once he's gotten some experience...assuming his Mando CO equivalent lets him get away with stunts like that. But he still has to DISCOVER this about himself, you know? The bits about the souvenirs and the starfighter tinkering aren't quite as out of character for them, but the general problem still exists. As far as I can determine from his bio, he's never been off of Mandalore, or spent any significant time around starfighters.

He absolutely hates asymmetrical objects and people, and will often refer to them as "asymmetrical heathens". Vex then promptly destroys or fixes the asymmetrical being or object.

So, again, interesting touch. I've been known to get bugged at asymmetrical ship designs myself! But Julian really put the nail on the head with this one. I suppose I can't say for sure about all the other alien races, but humans are asymmetrical creatures, if usually only subtly so. And given that humans are by far and away the most commonly encountered race in the galaxy...destroying or fixing might be an issue. So, how far does this compulsion go, and how does he deal with it?


Equipment: Everything's fine except for the Adventurer rifle. A particular model of weapon in use during the Rise of the Empire era is unlikely to have existed three and a half millennia earlier. Still, if nothing else, there are some pretty good slugthrower type weapons in our very own Tech section. PM me if you like, and I'll link you to a few that have caught my eye in the past.

Stats: I see no real issues here.

Combat Training: Some issues here, however. Lion actually put this pretty well. Training reflects bio. And at the moment, the bio doesn't support some of this, sad to say.

Mainly, it's the sniping. In truth, a 17 year old character is going to have a tough time being a true expert at anything, unless it's a skill they've been actively and diligently developing all their life. Now, it's true that D'Vhex has been using a rifle since he was little, but as you point out, true sniping is a step beyond basic marksmanship. The distances are greater. The list of things you need to consider is longer. And it looks like he's been confined to a shooting range at home since he was ten. Now, that's fine for his blaster skills, even the knife throwing. But it's just way too confined for the sort of practice that a legit sniper needs. If the family home was some sprawling property with acre upon acre of land on which to set up targets, then maybe. But wouldn't that defeat the purpose of confining him to the house to begin with?

In short, I could see Adept Sniping. He's a naturally great shot, and he's trained with a scoped rifle. But that's about as much as I can justify right now.

Other Training: Same issue here. Now, the Novice level stuff, I'm honestly fine with filling that in on my own. His dad presumably owned some means of transport, so he showed him how the controls worked, as well as some basic maintenence. Fine by me. But slicing? You've gotta remember, Mandalorians are basically space Vikings. Are there Mandos out there who have this skill, and could theoretically teach him? Of course. But it's not a skill that every Mandalorian child is expected to learn by default, and you don't include any study of computers anywhere.

Then, there's the Lorrdian kinetic language. The issue is, Lorrdians are just baseline humans, with a unique history that necessitated the development of a unique skill on their homeworld. And D'Vhex isn't from Lorrd. Now, that doesn't mean you can't have the skill, even at Expert level. It DOES mean that come bio time, I'd like to know more about his parents. Who's Lorrdian? Were THEY from Lorrd, and if so, how'd they wind up being Mandalorians? If not, how many generations removed?

During his fifth year while practicing at the shooting range, D'Vhex somehow managed to find the perfect position to hit the bullseye on the target every single time.

Does this mean he bullseyed the target every shot in one particular set, or started nailing every shot, every time he picked up the rifle, ever? The first I could maybe buy, if the target was set up in some not particularly challenging spot. But nobody's ALWAYS going to be a perfect shot. Either way, I'd suggest bumping up the age at which he pulled this off a little. He'd need to at least be big enough to handle the recoil in order to make flawless shots.

X'eras condition came to a head in 3632 BBY

This number should be getting smaller as time progresses. It's the Star Wars equivalent of B.C. So, what you'd mean here is 3600 BBY.

A figure cloaked in black, with an odd mask over his face bolted along the rooftops.

Huh. So someone WAS gunning for them after all. Or...just her, at least. Raises some questions, though. If these WERE the other party in the deal that went bad, what further motivation do they have to go after E'Varion's family? And why take a shot now, after 6 years? Also, what was odd about the mask?

Stepping out into the light, the Rodian demanded D'Vehx hand over the contents of the storage unit so they could take what was inside and sell it. D'Vehx of course refused and the Rodians believing D'Vhex to be unarmed charged in vibroknives and daggers flying.

This seems like a dubious business model, given what planet they're on. These guys obviously aren't Mandalorians, which is fine, but presumably they'd know something about the native culture. I'd tend to think if your plan is to rob someone on a planet where folks are raised to be badasses, one of you would at least bring a gun. Mind you, none of this is a deal breaker. "They're idiots." explains a lot. Just food for thought.

Inside he found his father's dual blaster pistols, his stash of thermal detonators, and a brand new sniper rifle.

And the armor, I presume? And what about the blade mentioned in the will?

D'Vhex knew that even though his verd'goten was completed, he was still clan less.

Okay, two big things from this, one of which I've sort of been wondering about as I read through this. First, when and how did D'Vhex complete his Verd'goten? It's a test of all your martial and survival skills. He's apparently been entirely self-taught for the past six years of his life, and that didn't include any survival training. And even if he had the skills, he'd have needed to leave the house and go demonstrate them, typically in the wild...which doesn't sound like something his mom was allowing. So, what happened? Really, if you're playing a Mando, this isn't a section that should be glossed over. It's what marks you as a recognized Mandalorian adult, something that separates them from just another armored soldier. It's just like how if you were making a Jedi, you wouldn't skip their being chosen by a master, or constructing their lightsaber.

Secondly, why is he clanless? Mandalorian culture as a whole is clan based. If you're a Mandalorian, which his father at the very least seemed to be, you're either born into a clan, or you're adopted by one. About the only way I can see this making sense is if the entire rest of the clan was wiped out somehow...which DEFINITELY needs some explanation in the bio.


Roleplay Sample So, this is okay, if a tad on the short side. I guess the main question to ask is, if you were starting a thread, would you leave it at this? I mean, it'd work as just a quick setup for someone else to jump in, but can you think of anything else you could add, to demonstrate what D'Vhex is made of? Some sort of action he could take, beyond simply sitting and ruminating? Also, there's this.

"I need to get this resized..". He knows that if he can get into contact with a Mandalorian clan, their smith might be able to resize the armor for him.

I'm afraid that's not actually possible, at least if it's made of actual beskar. Once the stuff is forged, the fact that it's virtually indestructable means you can't warp or bend it into another shape. Technically, if the helmet's too big for him, he might be able to swing that simply by adding a lot of extra padding. And depending on the size difference, he might be able to re-use the torso segments by attaching them to a different underweave, though it wouldn't be a PERFECT fit. Anything that had to be made specifically for his frame to work right, though, like the shoulder plates? That'd have to be forged new, likely out of some lesser material until he'd built up the resources to get the legit stuff made.

Aaaaaaand, that's it, I swear!

[Darion]

*rushes in* Sorry for my absence! Today has been busy, x.x You made some valid points, and I do need to change some small stuff I must have missed (such as the will). As for general fleshing out, I'll probably add separate sections to explain some of the things, such as family history and the coming of age ceremony. As for the clanless part. Well, his family is dead, so it was a very small clan, and by small, I mean like microscopic. Thank you for the wonderful review and advice, I'll work on this as soon as it's not 12 am xD.

[DreadPirateMike]

Thought I'd be able to get to this yesterday, but other fun, fun stuff came up.  That was sarcasm, if it makes you feel any better.  But anyway, I'll give this a quick run through now.  I note you've fixed the gear, as well as the dating, and aged him a bit before making him a dead eye marksman.  Much appreciated.  And you've bumped the Slicing down to Novice, I see.  I guess we can call that solid too.  A few of my concerns from before are yet to be addressed, though, so we'll run through those real quick before I get into your verd'goten, the major new addition.  Sound good?

- I appreciate the clarification about his parents, though it would be better to just write that into the bio, because that wasn't all I meant when I asked about his family history.  This ties into both the Body Language, AND the clanless problem.  His dad's Lorrdian, which is just fine and dandy.  But how did he come to be a Mandalorian, then?  If he was raised in that culture, which is the norm, then he would have needed someone to teach him the Kinetic Language.  If he was NOT raised Mandalorian, then there's even more need for a story.  Basically, in order for the Body Language thing to make sense, there needs to be some ancestor from Lorrd itself, some time within the past 350 years in order for that to be within the time of the Kanz Disorders.

Also, a nuclear family of 3 isn't really a clan.  Whatever E'Varion's story was, did X'era not come from a clan?  What happened to them?

- For the reasons I mentioned before, he's still not had adequate training opportunity to justify Adept sniping.

- I see you switched to non-beskar armor to account for the inability to re-size, but you haven't made any edits to the RP Sample.

Okay, and now we come to the verd'goten!  As a test of D'Vhex's skill, it works okay.  It's missing the traditional toast, but since he's kind of a shut in, I guess that makes sense, and I don't THINK that's a requirement.  The only thing I'm a little confused about is how a few pounds of a fairly common, if solid metal is supposed to net any major revenue.  I mean, if it's really high quality, then I suppose a smith who didn't have any beskar to work with might be willing to shell out for it...but some clarification might be helpful.

And that's the major stuff for now, I think.  If I realize later I forgot anything, I'll post it here, naturally.  Otherwise, seeya next time!

[Darion]

Thank you again for the review! Again those pesky little details that keep slipping through my grasp, time to reread the rp sample again haha. As for the parents, I'm thinking of adding another section to the bio labeled family history instead of just writing it into the mess that is D'vhex. Other than a few clarifications and some *cough* death stares at my computer, it'll be fixed by the end of this week. Arigatou gozaimasu!

[Fromikeable]

Aright Darsville, you’ve had a lot of input here and with any luck at all, this’ll be the last of it. I won’t even make a cheesy joke, let’s get you cruising to Writingsville, shall we?

I know that D’Vhex here isn’t supposed to be in a clan, but even still, his Rank should denote what his profession is. Since he’s a Mando warrior, his rank should thusly be “Warrior”.

For Appearance, could we just get an idea of how often D’Vhex is actually seen without his armor? In Mando society, it’s very unusual for the average warrior to be seen outside of their beskar’gam; think of it kind of like just seeing someone strolling down the street naked. I’m not saying he necessarily has to adhere to this rule, just that he’ll get some odd looks if he doesn’t.

For Equipment, I just need one of two things. Either for you to be a bit more vague about what sort of gear he’s packing (i.e. two medium blaster pistol, five throwing vibrodaggers, etc.), or for you to create some techapps. The criteria for if you need to make them into apps is basically how unique you want them to be. For example, if the vibrodaggers are just your standard throwing knife, they can stay as is. If they set people on fire when they hit/have trackers in them/penetrate armor, etc. , then they could use an app. A way around making your own apps would be taking a gander at the stuff that’s already accepted.

Now zen! Ze Bio is mine for ze taking, jes? Jes.

Family History: I can assure that it is indeed possible for Mandalorian warriors to settle down Looks solid, moving on.

Childhood: I’m not really keen as to why slugthrowers would have bullets that are hard to trace. If anything, blasters are probably better for this; the best you can get off of them when it comes to forensics is the amount of energy the bolt contained and the angle it came from, not the specific gun it was shot from. Just a nitpick.

Also, any particular reason why his mother neglected physical training? She clearly didn’t abandon it altogether, so was it just a massive oversight, or…?

Verd’Goten: I again question how much revenue a few pounds of durasteel would really net the family (considering it’s basically the most plentiful metal in the galaxy), but that’s just me nitpicking again.

The real issue here is that Verd’goten is supposed to be less a test of stealth and more a test of resilience. Mandos are warriors, and while they understand the value of subterfuge and silence, they’re known for being unkillable, not unseeable. What I’m getting at here is that this Verd’goten doesn’t really do much in terms of proving D’Vhex’s ability to fight or survive independently. From his mother’s perspective, it might be a fine test, and to be sure, it isn’t easy to pull off a robbery (especially when you’re a young ‘un), but other Mandos (i.e. their clan) might not be so accepting of such a credential.

Current: I’m wise to that pun about how he would “vex” the last Rodian.



Honestly, however, the main problem with the whole bio is that I’m not seeing how D’Vhex is clanless. His father and mother were both part of the D’Renale clan. By transitive property, D’Vhex was born into it, making him D’Vhex D’Renale. Even if his parents were the only two people left in the entire clan (which is unlikely, given that even the smallest ones are about a couple hundred people), D’Vhex would still be the last D’Renale. The only way he could be clanless in the given circumstances would be if he renounced his clan, which would basically be social suicide in terms of interacting with his fellow Mandos. Clans aren’t just the guys you shoot the breeze with and live next to; they tend to be the people you fight with, the people you help, and the people that help you. Think of clans less like families (especially since blood relation means jack squat to Mando society) and more like… the Mandalorian version of your ethnicity. It’s your particular brand of Mando culture, and to rebuke it is seen by Mandalorians as rebuking a Mando way of life itself.

In short, as it stands D’Vhex is either in his parents clan (even if he’s the last living member, which isn’t established and isn’t likely without some special circumstances), or has rebuked his clan and is indeed clanless (which pretty much marks him for untold amounts of rejection and persecution from his fellow Mando’ad). There’s really not a lot of middle ground there; Mando society is based around clans, so you’re either in one or you’re not.

To make that even shorter, I really just need to explain how Clan D’Renale is doing. If his parents are the only remaining members, I’ve got to know why. If he decides to rebuke his clan, again, I’d need to know why (and need you to know that his likelihood of having a positive interaction with another Mandalorian is slim to none).

That’s all I got. Get to those and you’re just about done amigo. Sorry for the wait!

[Darion]

Thank you for the review, thanks god they're getting shorter amirite?! Anyway, I'll get on revising it asap, it's always the small stuff that slips through hehe. I'll get it fixed, I just need to find my fixing wrench....

[Neology]

Are you working on this Darion? Or are you waiting for another review?

[Darion]

It's currently being worked, I pop around every few days, school kinda increased the workload so fixing Vex is a bit jumpy these days.

[Talau the Ever-Lurking]

Right so since I'm not a mod any more I'll behave and be (semi) nice...plus I'm out of practice. I will give you a few tips, though.

Whether this is do to genetics or just a mutation, is unknown.

No unknowns. Mods see all and know all, doesn't mean ICly anyone else will.

His hair is brown and varies in length depending on if he cares to cut it or not.

Now, I know he's mando so they're a bit more lenient with haircuts, but you may want to put some restrictions on his hair...after all, he is in the military and they -do- have to have basic standards...plus, having long hair in battle can be a real problem if it gets in your face or you sweat and it starts sticking to you. Maybe just say he never lets it get beyond a certain length, or that he always makes sure that it doesn't get to a point where it's messy and could hinder his fighting.

objectif possible

just a quick tidy-up typo in personality

However, in the case of Mandalorian slaves, he looks the other way.

Question: do you mean slaves of mandos or mandos who are slaves? (not that I particularly see the second happening much but I think it might be good to clear this up a little....also: why?

Although due to his body's refusal to pack on immense amount of muscle

Couple things: 1) not sure when it's necessary for mandos to have 'immense' amounts of muscle to do physical training. I've never heard of such a thing, especially if someone is never (or rarely) trained physically anyway. 2) as a child he'd never -have- immense amounts of muscle. Children are still growing, and it wouldn't be until his teens (and probably right around the time of his verd'goten) that he would really start to pack on any muscle at all. 3) Mandos will always train in physical fighting aspects...depending on clan and parenting, they may decide to focus -more- on other training but mandos are typically at least passably trained in physical fighting. So you may want to say that mental and ranged fighting were primary focuses rather than straight up substitution.

Verd'Goten:
Okay here's opinion...With mando parents, even the insane ones, if they have any sanity left they won't want their kid killed. X'era (who's been so careful to protect him, to the point that she kept him from training physically -completely-) just dumps him (without warning) into an area where he's got no experience at all. I know you said it was a big breach of character for her, so that covers part of it, but my concern is this: if a parent doesn't want their child (in this case the last surviving child of their whole clan) to die, they're going to give them some warning so they can prepare themselves at least a little...OR...they're going to start training them in situations that will tie into the verd'goten even if the parent doesn't explain why they're doing it (so they can keep the actual verd'goten a secret). Example 1: X'era tells D'vhex on the way to the planet "Oh by the way, prepare yourself for having to deal with a strange place and a city full of people. You'll have (this many) days to get home with just what you have on your back and one thing I'm going to give you"
Example 2: X'era takes him once to the local market with her to get food items, etc. The next time she sends him to the market alone. X'era then starts insisting that as part of his mental training, he begins to study city planets such as Coruscant....etc....then finally drops him off at his verd'goten. Oh surprise! all that strange training now makes sense!

See what I mean?

Okay that's all I have time for atm...have a thing to get to, but it's some food for thought in the mean time.