The dark Wookiee

[zodiaczach]

Name: Yoguun
Race:wookiee/silverback
Age:42
Birthplace:Kashyyyk, Kashyyyk system

Allegiance: sith
Status:
Rank: apprentice

Height/Weight: 2m/6'6 ft. 264 lbs./120kg
Appearance: Yoguun wears a black leather satchel around his body. Each pocket of the satchel contains something different. At the bottom of his satchel he holds his lightsaber, which can reach up to 5 ft.

 





Personality: Yoguun loves to "talk" to people even though they don't understand him. He always craves a fight, and is usually agitated if someone is mocking his appearance and will tend to either rip them apart or cut them down where they stand. But, other that that, he can be very gentle. When Yoguun is anywhere near the planet Kashyyyk, he tends to be agitated because the other wookiees cast him out and never accepted him. If he had his way, Yoguun would blow up the entire system of Kashyyyk and leave no trace of a single planet.

While Yoguun is in a battle, he tends to use his lightsaber. He doesn't always use the force, but is fairly skilled in the ways of swordplay. But, if he doesn't have his lightsaber, he'd use his claws only if desperate, otherwise Yoguun will battle open palmed and while using the anger and hate of his childhood to strengthen his attacks. He is a Wookiee who knows what he wants and will do whatever it takes to accomplish his goals killing whoever is in his way, whether friend or foe.

Ships/Vehicles: a black A-Wing that crashed down to Kashyyyk, but while on land he prefers to use a speeder bike

Equipment: In his satchel he has four pouches, one for each different thing.1) food (meat) 2) explosives 3) a crystal from each of the Jedi he's faced 4) the fur of his father who was killed in the Kashyyykian Shadowlands.

Stats:

Strength -superior
Agility -above average
Intelligence -average
Charisma -below average

Force Stats:

Telekinetic-apprentice
Telepathic-unskilled
Body-adept
Sense-apprentice
Protection-apprentice
Healing:–novice
Destruction–adept


Combat Training:
Unarmed martial arts-adept
Bowcaster-adept
Vibroblade-apprentice

Force Training:
Force speed-novice
Force push-apprentice
Force choke-novice
Saber throw-apprentice


Other Training:
Crafting tools-expert
Machine handling-adept
Understanding languages-adept

Lightsaber Training:

Shii-Cho-expert
Makashi-adept
Soresu-novice
Ataru-untrained
Shien/Djem So-adept
>>Sub-form Backhanded-apprentice
Niman-novice
>>Sub-form Jar-kai-adept
Juyo-adept
Double Bladed Combat-novice


Biography: Yoguun was born next to the little dessert area of Kashyyk. He is the youngest of three wookiee pups, his brothers Beguun and Teaguun were both close to adulthood when he was born. His father Todguun was the only one willing to train him to be a real warrior because Yoguun was the only Silverback in his community besides his father. When Yoguun was seventeen, about to enter manhood, his father took him into the Kashyyykian shadowlands to prepare him to survive on his own, which was tradition for all wookiees. They traveled the shadowlands for seven hours before a Blastail tracked them down. Yoguun's father fought it off long enough for Yoguun to escape, but died fighting it. Yoguun was trapped in the Shadowlands for three days before he found his father's body mangled and torn apart. He took a piece of his father's fur and put it in his satchel for safekeeping. He lived in the Shadowlands for two years looking for the Bastail that killed his father. Until finally he found it lounging on a dark rock. Yoguun chased after it and eventually wore the Bastail down and then killed it. While looking for a way home, he came across an old abandoned A-Wing and started to repair it. In the ship he found a lightsaber and learned how to use it, he self taught himself how to wield it. When the ship was repaired, he piloted out and landed in Tatooine where he joined the Sith.

Roleplay Sample: . While living in Tatooine, a couple of Tusken Raiders ambushed Yoguun and his little sand hut. He could barely understand what they were saying, and didn't like the insults. He pulled out his lightsaber and cut through one of them. The others started to shoot at him, but he blocked their blasts right back at them. "Hrrraaaagggh,"( don't you dare belittle my abilities again). He skinned them and used their meat as a seasoning for his soup that night, he had enough meat to last him the rest of the month, luckily they provided him with meat, because food was so scarce there on Tatooine.

[Darion]

Personality: Yoguun loves to "talk" to people even though they don't understand him. He always craves a fight, and is usually agitated if someone is mocking his appearance and will tend to either rip them apart or cut them down where they stand. But, other that that, he can be very gentle.

You might want a bit more detail here like, for instance how does he act around other members of his species? Does he like to be commanded or bossed around? Since he is a Sith, does he use his claws in unarmed combat, which is technically considered social scuicide to most wookies but he is a Sith so that could add some General charecter to him. Also, adding some description of his personal moods and emotions would be good too. Does he have any odd charecter quirks or phobias? Other than people mocking him is there something he absolutely hates? What about his likes, just go crazy in detail (within reason of course haha). This is probably the best part to get creative, just go for it and see what works![/quote]

[DreadPirateMike]

So...I suck.  That's about the long and short of it.  Admittedly, some of the delay can be attributed to me not realizing this was ready for a review until your PM, but...took me awhile to muster the time and focus for this.  So, I won't leave you waiting any longer!

First thing, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mind re-titling the thread to "Yoguun".  Makes it easier for other players to find the character's information, when they want to know who they're playing with.  Now, on to the bio.

Name-Birthplace: These are fine.


Allegiance-Rank: No mention of Status?  If he's still training, then "Sith Student" or "Sith Trainee" would work.  As for the Apprentice rank, that only makes sense if he's been chosen by a Master, which your bio doesn't specify.  If not, the word you'd want is "Initiate."


Height/Weight: For future reference, no need for the metrics here.  We just need Imperial.  No rule against listing them both though, so you're good.

Appearance: Unfortunately, this section is badly in need of expansion.  We don't need a novel, but an informative character description should be at least a decent sized paragraph of relevant information.  This is both very short, and only about half of it actually describes the character.  Information about his lightsaber's function and the contents of his satchel more belong under "Equipment."

What may be tripping you up, as it does for a lot of first time applicants, is thinking you don't need a lot of detail, since you have a picture.  But we ask that folks not rely on those, partly because those links can break, and partly because this is a writing focused forum.  So...paint me a WORD picture.  The color of his fur, whether he wears anything other than that satchel, basic stuff to start.  After that, you could talk about his demeanor.  The personality describes him as both gentle, AND spoiling for a fight.  What do people seeing him for the first time come to expect?  A snarling beast who wants to eat them, or a giant teddy bear?

Personality: This section is significantly better.  The main issue is that some of what you put here is unsupported by your bio.  Like...all your bio says is that only his dad wanted to train him.  Where does this "anger and hate of his childhood" come from?

Beyond that, you could stand to flesh out his motivations a bit more.  You say he'll kill friend or foe to accomplish his goals.  So what ARE his goals?  What motivates him? 


Ships/Vehicles: The speeder bike is fine.  The A-Wing, not so much.  Keep in mind, this site is set in 3599 BBY.  Sorry, but we can't let you have a fighter craft from thousands of years in the future.  

You might wanna check out the tech section.  Lots of fighters types you could use in there.


Equipment: So...again, a little more detail here, if you would.  By "meat", do you mean dried out jerky that he carries with him in case he's in need of a snack and doesn't have a meal ready at hand?  Or are we talking "freshly killed, still bleeding"?  As for explosives, what kind?  Detonite charges he can plant and detonate at a distance?  Thermal detonators?  And with the Jedi crystals...we'll get to that with the bio.


Stats: Yeah, these are okay.


Force Stats: These will likely need to be adjusted.  To what degree, however, depends on how long he's actually been aware of, using, and formally training in these abilities.  Meaning, in short, I'll need more bio information before I can properly grade this section.


Combat Training: Bowcaster is fine.  That's just a standard Wookie thing he'd have cause to learn and use.  The traditional Wookie Rykk blades aren't actually vibroweapons, but I'll let that go too.  I'd like some explanation about the martial arts, though.  Wookies aren't actually known for having a sophisticated native style, so...what sort of style does he know?  Presuming his dad taught him, how did he know it?




Force Training: This section is for advanced, unusual powers.  All these are standard powers, and as such don't need to be listed here.


Other Training: So...does "crafting tools" mean that he knows how to fashion the tools themselves, or that he's an expert craftsman with the use of said tools?  And in either case, when did he learn that skill?  There's no mention in the bio of anyone teaching him mechanical skills either.  When did that happen?  And what languages does he understand?  I understand he might have a head for new languages and be able to pick them up more quickly than most, but he'd still only understand the languages he's taken time to learn.


Lightsaber Training: These will DEFINITELY need to come down.  First of all, by site rules, to reflect what an advanced and demanding style Juyo is, a character is only allowed to start learning that after flat out mastering Shii-Cho and two other styles.  More critically, your bio states that Yoguun taught himself how to wield a lightsaber.  Now, if he already knew how to use a regular sword, he could use that knowledge, and figure out to use the thing with SOME efficacy, but he'd have no actual training in any formal style until he joined the Sith.  You have some training in every single style.

Keep in mind, mastering a style takes about ten years.  That amounts to roughly two years per skill rank per style.  There's some wiggle room there, but the fact remains, he can't have had time to learn all this.  The present incarnation of the Sith Order has only been around for about five years, and the last version crashed and burned long before Yoguun was even born.


Biography:

His father Todguun was the only one willing to train him to be a real warrior because Yoguun was the only Silverback in his community besides his father.

Okay, so I can't find any mention of there being a stigma attached to Silverbacks in Wookie culture, so you're going to have to fill this in for me.  First off, why were he and his dad the only Silverbacks there?  Did his dad come from elsewhere?  If that was a problem in this particular community, why stay?  As for Yoguun himself, how badly was he treated on account of this, and by whom?  Presumably it wasn't such a big deal to his mom, since she mated with one to begin with.  

Basically, you really just gloss over the first 17 years of his life.  What sort of relationship did he have with his family?  Did he occupy his days with anything OTHER than training to be a warrior?  And this is presumably where his seething hatred against his entire homeworld comes from.  So, this is also where you'd explain it.

Yoguun was trapped in the Shadowlands for three days before he found his father's body mangled and torn apart.

How was he trapped?  What was blocking him from running back to his village and getting help?  The Blastail obviously wasn't hunting him still.  Otherwise, it wouldn't have taken two years to come across the thing again.  Speaking of which...

He lived in the Shadowlands for two years looking for the Bastail that killed his father.

Okay, so I guess it's not necessarily a stretch that it could take him that long to find a single animal.  The Shadowlands are a big place, and Yoguun doesn't appear to have any tracking skill.  But how does he recognize it when he finds it?  Was there something distinctive about the Blastail?  And did nobody ever come looking for him or anything like that?

While looking for a way home, he came across an old abandoned A-Wing and started to repair it.

As mentioned above, the type of fighter will need to change, and I need to know when he learned to fix a starship.  Also, what state of disrepair was this thing in?  Do you mean it had crashed in the Shadowlands, or simply landed and abandoned?  Either way, I need a little more.  If it was busted up by a crash, that means he's going to need parts to fix it up, which means a return to Wookie civilization.  If it had been deliberately landed there, was there no sign of the pilot?  Even if Yoguun never learned it in character, I'd like some sort of explanation if you mean to suggest that someone just ditched a salvageable starfighter in a place that dangerous.

In the ship he found a lightsaber and learned how to use it, he self taught himself how to wield it.

Okay, now that's a little convenient.  I can come up with some explanations on my own why someone might have abandoned a fighter, particularly if said someone was a Dark Jedi...which would be indicated by the color of the lightsaber blade.  But why would anybody, Jedi or otherwise, just abandon a lightsaber?

When the ship was repaired, he piloted out and landed in Tatooine where he joined the Sith.

A couple of rather major problems with this last bit.  First of all, as mentioned above, there were no Sith to join back then.  Yoguun, by the end of the story we have here is, what, 20 at most?  That means nearly another 20 years before the re-founding of the Sith Order.  Second, even if you edit the bio such that the time period is right for the Sith to be around, they have no presence on Tatooine.  If he was looking to join them, the planet to make for would be Korriban.  Third, WHY would he want to join the Sith, even if he somehow knew about them and where to find them?  That comes completely out of the blue.  Prior to this, there's no mention of Yoguun even being Force Sensitive.

And fourth...the story stops there.  Say you edit everything else, and Yoguun winds up on the right planet in the right time period to find the Sith...and has a good reason for doing it.  How was he received?  How long has he been with them?  How many Jedi has he faced, and how did he manage to defeat them as a mere trainee?

There's the makings of a good story in all this.  But you've skipped over a bunch of critical chapters. 


Roleplay Sample: So, aspects of this likely will have to be edited simply to match edits that will need to be made to the bio, so this critique will be kept fairly short.  Still, there are a few things I'd like you to think about.  For one, there's just not a whole lot that happens here.  He fights Sand People, kills them, and eats them.  Like the bio, and the Appearance, think longer.  More detail, more narrative.  Second, as far as what's there, the reader doesn't get a terribly clear sense of location from this.  You say Sand Raiders ambush Yoguun "and his little sand hut".  You can't ambush an inanimate structure, so I presume this just means Yoguun is in proximity to the place...outside, I'm guessing, since he has enough space to deflect blaster bolts.  But try to focus on describing a clearer picture.  It's important to give as clear a description of what's going on as possible, especially in a setting where the story depends on other players understanding and responding.  And third, if your intention is for him to have joined the Sith, why is he depicted here as off living on his own?

And that's about it.  The dread Wookie Sith is in need of some work, but we're all here to offer whatever help we can, so don't hesitate to ask.  Just stick with it, and this will come together sooner than you think.  

And again, sorry for the delay!

[zodiaczach]

I apologize for the lightsaber styles, for I didn't fully understand them at the time, but I'll fix them as quick and soon as possible. Thank you for the help.

[Rugs]

Moved to inactive pending