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last online Jan 24, 2016 23:26:21 GMT -5
Force Sensitive
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Dec 17, 2015 15:41:25 GMT -5
Post by Cleh'mina on Dec 17, 2015 15:41:25 GMT -5
Name: Randal Retzloff Race: Echani Age: 36 Birthplace: Raxus Prime Allegiance: Sith Order Status: Sith Rank: Apprentice Height/Weight: 6'5" 182 lbs. Appearance: Randal has extremely pale skin, with brutally short white hair and silver eyes. His cheekbones are extremely high and defined, giving him a noble appearance. His face is very thin; his other features are relatively normal (for an Echani) though his nose is slightly longer than normal. Randal's body is very lean, and is almost all muscle. He has black Sith symbol tattoos that run up from his wrist to where they meet his armor. The design continues onto his armor, from where it left off on his arms. Randal's armor is off-white and is plated (see picture). In contrast to his armor, his lightsaber clip and belt are black. Personality: Randal is what some might call a Sith extremist; he despises the Jedi and what they represent, the Light Side. He is quick to anger and practically oozes hatred. He has no fear of death, and as such will rush into battle with little regard for his safety or the safety of others. Surprisingly, Randal is not quick to anger; he is almost always calm (though it is a deadly calm, as if daring someone to continue) though when he is in battle, he feels alive, which causes him to often burst out laughing with glee and hysteria. Ships/Vehicles: Randal is the owner of a black Liberator-class starfighter. It does not have any custom fortifications, as he mostly uses it to get from battle to battle. Equipment: Randal has two blood-red lightsabers, whose crystals he created himself. These sabers are shorter than normal, allowing Randal to use his agility to its full extent without so much of a risk of him cutting off a valuble limb. His armor spreads out the impact of a blaster shot, lessening the injury that he would have taken.   Stats: Strength - Above Average Agility - Legendary Intelligence - Average Charisma - Below Average Force Stats: Telekinetic- Apprentice Telepathic- Unskilled Body- Adept Sense- Novice Protection- Novice Healing:– Unskilled Destruction– Apprentice Combat Training: Echani martial arts- Expert Force Training:Battle mind- Adept Force scream- Apprentice Other Training: ( Lightsaber Training: ( Shii-Cho- Expert Makashi- Unskilled Soresu- Apprentice Ataru- Apprentice Shien/Djem So- Unskilled >>Sub-form Backhanded- Unskilled Niman-Adept >>Sub-form Jar-kai- Adept Juyo- Novice Double Bladed Combat- Unskilled Biography: Randal was born on Raxus Prime to two junk collectors. From an early age, Randal was taught to despise the Republic, as they had banished his parents to Raxus Prime for a crime they didn't commit. It became clear that Randal was force sensitive, though his parents had begun to fear for his safety, as he would often put himself in unnessecary danger. Whenever they would speak to him about it, he would just roll his eyes and walk away, often saying "What's the point of living without danger." Randal was about nine when he crafted his first weapon out of the scrap metal around him; he would often hunt the creatures that inhabited the junk planet. His parents, still concerned for his safety, began to follow him around while he was out. Eventually Randal bit off a little more than, in his parents opinion, he could chew. Randal had picked a fight with a giant junk droid; his father, using an one-shot EMP Ray he had picked up for exactly this occasion destroyed the droid's circuits. As his enemy fell to the ground, Randal whipped around to see his father and mother standing there, his father with the EMP still in his hand. Randal was enraged, and let out a Force scream that could be heard for miles around. His mother and father were knocked to the ground by the force of the scream; Randal walked slowly and deliberately towards his now unconscious parents. He pulled out his sword, and unceremoniously stuck the blade into his father's heart, he then cut off his mother's head. For the next year, Randal would steal food and hunt the junk droids as he pleased without his parents' interference, before a mysterious stranger in a black cloak came up to him. "Come with me and I will show you the power of the Dark side.", the figure said. Randal of course accepted. Randal spent the next fourteen years training with the Sith and honing his natural Echani agility into Legendary status. After he was finished with his primary training, Randal spent three years hunting Jedi for the hell of it. While he is somewhat lacking in the Force division, he more than makes up for it with his skill with Lightsaber combat. Randal is considered by many, Sith and Jedi alike, to be dangerous opponent. Roleplay Sample: . Randal Retzloff dashes through the battlefield, cutting down enemies left and right, all while laughing hysterically. He is moving towards the commander of these troops, a Jedi Knight. Randal has been hunting this Jedi for weeks, and now he finds him, in the midst of this battle. Slowing down for a moment, Randal's hysterical expression melts into that of a serene calm as he activates Battle mind. Speeding up again, his jumps over the soldiers and runs directly at the Jedi. Randal runs up to him lifting up his blades and bringing them down on the Jedi's head...
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last online Sept 11, 2020 13:01:23 GMT -5
Youngling
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Dec 17, 2015 16:53:01 GMT -5
Post by Midrealm Sixtus on Dec 17, 2015 16:53:01 GMT -5
Hello.
I'm here to offer my ideas and tips. Keep in mind, I'm by no means an expert or veteran; I just want to point out a few things. The first of which is: this is awesome! And on to the more serious stuff. The personality might be something to expand on, as I was told myself. Describe his emotions and reactions a bit more, as well as maybe his thought process. Regarding the ship, it should be explained how he got it. Also, the Force Dash skill isn't counted as a specialized skill, so you can drop it from the list. You might want to get rid of the stuff in parentheses on the other skills and lightsaber forms, too. In the biography, due to the fact that the Sith Order is so new, he couldn't have been training with them for so long. And finally, the roleplay sample is a little too short (though it is good).
Overall great, just a few small tweaks to do. Don't think that you have to take my advice, either. Just reviewing 'cause this is worth making happen.
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last online Jan 26, 2016 17:17:14 GMT -5
Youngling
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Dec 18, 2015 15:48:16 GMT -5
Post by The Gray Sith on Dec 18, 2015 15:48:16 GMT -5
Alrighty, not experienced people reviewing apps time!!!!!!one!!!  Since the grat modstaffteam is too busy coding the site, I'll just add onto the Jawa's reply then  Again, as he said, no reason to listen to me, but i'm here only to help. I'm not gonna prank you into writing peedmypants or something like that, don't worry. You made quite a cool guy, got my attention for reading everything (usually i just skip past appearance and half the bio) Really only have a few small things to tell you, nothing big, and nothing really a huge mistake by you New to the site, not knowing how everything works, I've had those moments. The rank apprentice is saved for Sith who have a master, as far as I've seen in your bio, your guy doesn't have one, so it would be appropriate to change this to either Acolyte or Sith Knight, but as i see, your guy is more of an independent Knight, i mean he has legendary agility, no acolyte has that  Again, no mention of this in the bio. This site is very detail-oriented, and everything you do with your character you have to somehow mention in the bio, which should by then be quite long by itself Thinking you know what I mean, it never says in the bio where or how your character learned this ability, and trust me, it is quite hard to learn and it takes a fair amount of time, so it should surely be mentioned in the bio.  The juicy part (learned this line from the staff, don't judge me), Bio: Wow dude, you got me intrigued, what was the crime, who did do it, and why didn't the Republic find them? Expand on this a bit more, I mean because it would be something that should be expanded upon, and because I'm quite interested what the hell happened for the Pubs to do something like this... OK, no more quotes, just gonna say, BRUTAL, he was a nine-year-old dude, no need for him to become an adventurer so early on.. not a critic, just brutal.. I mean, respect for the guy that ventures out in the wild as a nine-year-old... I lied, more quotes.. Dude...no...i know how you would like your guy to be like an epic merciless sith that just kills for fun but no...this is too much. 1) Why would he get angry at his father for saving his life? NO WAY THAT A NINE-YEAR-OLD WITH NO SPECIAL TRAINING CAN DEFEAT A DROID LIKE THAT, DON'T SAY A WORD.. NO WAY 2)Them Force scream, again no way. Too much.. not balanced whatsoever. You say the guy is lacking powers in the Force but he gets over it with lightsaber combat, well this kind of a force scream can be created only by let's say a Sith Lord training only Force scream for a dozen years, or a Darth that masters Force powers. So you get my point.. and btw. for this kind of Force scream the score would need to be Expert AT LEAST 3)Why... not a critic again, but why would he just outright kill his parents that just saved his life.. you can say corruption, he wasn't even training in the Dark side, so umm, explanation ? No problems with the agility, just the Sith.. According to the lore of the site the Sith as the Order exist for only 4 years, i recommend reading this link for clarification. If you meant the Sith Aristocracy, they had nothing to do with the dark side.. Alright, that's it  Hopefully you'll try and fix some things just so that a mod can Approve this awerrgsome character faster You don't have to listen to me, you can always just wait until a mod tells you most of this stuff and more JUST HELPING OUT Dutch DON'T KILL ME, TRYING TO BE A GOOD MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY WHILE THE MODS ARE BUSY *disappears in the mist* |
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Dutch
Darth Awesome, Specialist at Everything
4,164 posts
372 likes
King All the Easy
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last online Apr 30, 2020 12:47:50 GMT -5
Master
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Dec 24, 2015 17:34:09 GMT -5
Post by Dutch on Dec 24, 2015 17:34:09 GMT -5
Hello Cleh'mina, you're next on my review sweep DISCLAIMER: This will not be a full review, just a little something to get you started.
Minor fix here, the Status is their standing within the Order. Neophyte, Knight, Lord, etc etc. Their rank is fine, if he's apprenticing under someone. If not it'd be Initiate. So... 182 at 6'5 is pretty slim and malnourished. Muscle weighs so much more than fat, so he'd prolly have an extra hundred or so added onto him at this height  Gonna need to flesh this out a bit more, in a sense that you contradict yourself a couple times in this section. Proof read it a bit, read it out loud, and you should be fine. [/color] If he's just using a ship to get from planet to planet, you don't even need to put anything here then. The Order has a full compliment of ships at their disposal for exactly that. The saber type you're looking for, are lightsaber shotos. See the wookieepedia page for more info on them. If Randy uses some sorta special armor outside a light/medium/heavy set, he'll need a tech application for that. Message Fromikeable if you need help with that Alright, these need a little finagling. From your descriptions of Randy, this is the stats I'd like to see: Str- Above Average Agility- Superior (echani are known for their nimbleness after all, but a Legendary is a bit much with your build here) Intelligence- Below Average Charisma- Below Average This is the fairest build, for what you have here Easy fixes here, gotta drop Juyo since he doesn't meet the criteria (see the Jedi Notes page for them), and I'd like to see either soresu and ataru dropped altogether. Having two adepts and an expert is saber styles at his age works best here, as they're obviously what he'll be using. //tags lion again Remember to keep your tense in the past, fits in with the board better generally.
Few newbie level fixes, but nothing glaring here. Pending lion's bio review, and the fixes you should be set! |
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lion
The Wintergreen
220 posts
38 likes
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last online Jan 18, 2017 19:38:34 GMT -5
Padawan
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Dec 26, 2015 3:56:09 GMT -5
Post by lion on Dec 26, 2015 3:56:09 GMT -5
Hey there dude, I'm lion, and since Dutch has given me the tag-in to read over your character's backstory, that's what I'm here to do. It's pretty much one of the final stages of getting your character cleared through, so you're not far off, dude. :3
Alright, let's take a look. Straight off the bat, and I say this to most folks who don't already, I tend to find it's better to lay out a backstory in sections rather than one large blot of text, as not only is it easier to read, it's easier to write. Rather than being one large story, it can be several short stories tied together, focusing in on particular points in your character's life; youth, teenage years, adult years, etc etc.
That aside, we'll get stuck in.
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Born on Raxus Prime to two junk collecting Echani's fine, but who are these people? You've said they were tried and punished for a crime they didn't commit, but other than that, we hear nothing about these people. Who were Randal's parents, what did they do, and perhaps more importantly, what didn't they do that got them banished?
Banishment, also, is not a common legal punishment for the Republic to mete out for criminals; but there's certainly many reasons Randal can be born on Raxus Prime if the world is core to the character. Junk traders, dirt-poor, all manner of reasons could be placed there, and my advice would be to go with that, as the story of them being criminals has no real bearing on Randal's upbringing. If they truly were criminals, and were sentenced properly, it's likely they would be imprisoned rather than exiled.
Now, normally I would add that being born a force-sensitive means that Randal likely would have tripped the whole Jedi "Blood test" thing and become a possible candidate for training, but actually being so far out as he is on the Outer Rim, he actually wouldn't. Whether by design or not, you've actually written this part accurately by omission! Bang on and didn't have to lift a finger, love it.
Now, reading into his youth, Randal sounds like quite the rebellious kid, but why is that? You've given no mention how he views his parents, and whilst some kids are certainly thrill seekers, they're rarely that young when they act like that; they're certainly young enough to know fear rather than courage. Was there something going on to cause this? Given you've not really outlined his relationship with his parents past their concern and his hatred, there's a lot of questions that could do with answering here.
Here's where we get to the fiddly bits of the bio, the junk droid and the force scream. Force sensitivity is neat and all, but it needs to be honed to be viable to use. Jedi younglings can use the Force because they day-in, day-out train under the guidance of Jedi, but Randal doesn't have that advantage, meaning his abilities won't show themselves until later in his life; usually in the early to mid teenage years as he grows older. A nine year old would have to be quite the early developer to manifest any powers, letalone a powerful Force Scream, which brings me to the next point,
Why kill his parents? At nine years old, Randal is bound to be immature, but to actually act on that anger and murder both of his parents after they save his life is an extreme logic jump to follow. Having come across a large junk droid, something that could very well have easily killed Randal, the boy should be feeling panic and fear; not by choice but sheer fight/flight psychology. Whilst overbearing, Randal's father has practically proved why his concern was needed, and in that event, Randal should be grateful. Sure, maybe a little put out, but murderous rage? No.
To be honest, a nine year old doesn't have the physical strength to remove a head, either. The thrust through the heart, maybe, but a clear swipe to lop off a head? No, that requires strength to do that Randal, at that age, would not have. Another querty comes up, where did he get the sword? You mention he built his first weapon out of junk, but you don't say what it was.
Unless there's something severely wrong with him, which you've not listed in his personality as having any mental instability to that degree, I'm going to suggest reworking this section. Parent death, the Force Scream, all of it; no child is going to be able to express the Force that powerfully at his age, and the parent-slaying, whilst potent storytelling, is executed poorly. If you want him to kill his parents, give him a solid reason to do so, and if it's going to be a sheer outburst, even that needs some foundation to go off of to work.
This dark figure appearing out of nowhere isn't the worst introduction of a mentor I've heard, but like the parents, it's lacking in detail and depth. Who is this guy? I can presume he's a sith, as he leads Randal off to study with the Sith (who have only been around for four years in this timeline, not fourteen), but other than that, I know nothing of who he is, why he's there, and what interest he has in Randal.
And perhaps the biggest peeve, seventeen years of Randal's life, you gloss over in no less than two sentences. Fourteen years of training (that couldn't have happened, admittedly) plus three for hunting Jedi, mentioned offhand for no reason. Some of the most pivotal years in someone's life is their teenage years, where hormonal development changes both body and mind and personality is fully ingrained, and it's stepped over.
My advice here, move the events back. Randal can have his upbringing on Raxus Prime, but go into detail about how he and his parents get along; how are they financially, is there abuse, etc that may drive Randal to aggression? Going into these aspects could give him a reason to hunt droids, and furthermore, gives us some indication of why he is hostile to his parents; people who presumably love him unconditionally.
The droid incident? Fine, keep that if you like, but I would move it to his teenage years. Hormonal flooding, adrenalin, aggression, it's all common mid-puberty and, add that to a tumultuous upbringing, murder could actually become understandable (not warranted, of course, but damaged psyches can do that). Randal's story here could go from something of a horrific psychotic episode that would make even criminals wince to something people can actually understand, and it leans towards his personality as you wrote it in the above section; calculating, not quick to anger, but prepared to defend himself.
You can go one of two ways from here; Randal spends his life on Raxus Prime until the Sith (4 years from the current setting, so when he's 32) come, OR, make it a Dark Jedi that finds him. Someone who looks to use Randal for their own ends, but give them a description; let us know who this guy is and why Randal is willing to trust them and take him away from the only place he's known. From there, you can tie Randal to the Sith later on, but still have him receive training in the Force enough to warrant his skills.
The last part in this backstory I need to go over with you, and I take this one a little more personal given I play a Jedi Hunter myself, you need to reason why Randal hunts Jedi. It's not something someone chooses to do just because they want to, and given Jedi are known far and wide as an extremely dangerous force to reckon with (Even the Mandalorians will admit as much, as much as they hate them), so just for shiggles isn't a good enough reason.
My advice again, find a reason. Profit, a test of skill, bias against the Jedi, anything can work, but simply "Because fun" isn't a good enough reason to cover it. Jedi are not easy prey to kill, and since I wager Randal opts to take them on with lightsaber and the Force, it's actually even more dangerous for Randal, as he's fighting Jedi on terms they have more experience using. My hunter, Sarkh, specifically uses trickery, his appearance, dirty-fighting and surprise to engage Jedi, and even then he's only gotten a few, and this is a guy from a society that reveres hunting dangerous prey.
So, my advice overall here with this, because I think Randal here can become a really, really solid character if you take the time, is thus:
Outline Randal's parents; who they are, what they do. Tell me about Randal's childhood in more detail, and personally, add some issues. They're criminals? Maybe the father's a bit of a drinker, beats his mother a bit. Maybe the inverse? There's a lot that can go on here. There, that gives you the potential for Randal to be an aggressive child, who can use his dangerous treks as something of a therapy tool. This would go a ways to explain why he resents his family's presence; he's scared of them.
Incidents become worse as Randal grows and perhaps even directed to the kid himself. Give Randal a real reason to hate his parents, and I can believe more readily why he would be prepared to kill them when they come to save the day. Resentment, fear, maybe Randal thinks the EMP's a blaster and he's gonna get shot? Nix the force scream, but if he's a teenager, this could be the absolute point where Randal's powers manifest; maybe a sudden force push out of nowhere against mum or dad. Hell, both, if you want, but again, give me reason why. Or even perhaps, a tragic mistake kills the one he didn't mean to harm.
From here, either Randal waits and tries to practice the Force on his own, or more likely, lucky dark jedi visit. Tell me about this guy, tell me about Randal's training (for example, who taught him the Echani hand to hand stuff?), and you can start to show Randal developing more. You can even add Jedi hunting into this arc; dark jedi love them some of that, as it's a test of their abilities! There's your reason.
Joining the Sith? no problem, Randal outgrows his master, or if there's any malignant intent on the part of his dark jedi educator, maybe it backfires? Either way, there's ways for you to get ol' Randy to Korriban in the 32~36 year old stage to be the Sith Apprentice he is.
Sound good? Stew on that a bit and let me know what you come up with, yeah?
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Rugs
The ring-dang-doo, now what is that?
6,347 posts
1,102 likes
Friendly neighborhood CEO
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last online Jan 12, 2024 11:24:20 GMT -5
Administrator
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Feb 13, 2016 11:47:39 GMT -5
Post by Rugs on Feb 13, 2016 11:47:39 GMT -5
Moved to inactive pending
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Hopefully you'll try and fix some things just so that a mod can Approve this awerrgsome character faster 
