Pvt. John Crow

[John Crow]

Name: John Crow
Race: Human
Age: 21

Birthplace: Corellia



Allegiance: Republic

Status: Republic Army

Rank: Private



Height/Weight: 6'0" 88.4505122 KG
Appearance: Wide brown eyes, well kept brown hair, no facial hair, has signs of muscle development (not the heaviest marine), fits perfectly in a cleaned and straightened suit of the standard Republic Soldier armor



Personality: He is a rookie, often has mixed feelings about things, in battle he is not a hardened warrior so he feels scared, determined, and surprised, outside of combat he usually keeps to himself and is seen as shy to others, doesn't shake from adrenaline



Ships/Vehicles: None



Equipment: Blaster Carbine, Blaster Pistol, Fragmentation Grenades, Republic Trooper armor



Stats:



Strength - Average

Agility - Average

Intelligence - Above Average

Charisma - Average



Combat Training: 
 -Marksmanship - Average
 -Hand to hand combat - Adept
 -Swordplay - Adept
 -Explosives Tactics - Expert


Other Training: None



Biography: John was born on Corellia. He would move to Coruscant in his infancy with his parents Alesa and Tolth Crow, former Mandalorians who wanted out of their politics. He would grow up around militants and be fascinated by the Republic Soldiers and want to become one, which he did. What started his fascination was when the Mandalorians got more aggressive. Troops were seen more and more around the civilian population and so he would grow up around them. He would want to become one because they all looked big, strong, and cool. (His opinion.) During school he was one of the kids who was shy and not very talkative but he had some build to him. Bullies left him alone along with those bullied. He was a above average student, usually maintaining a higher grade than normal in most of his classes. In his tweens, he would learn about the attacks from the Mandalorians and wanted to join the military to help. He was too young so upon enlisting, he was too late to the war. But before his military career, he went into business for some time. He would enlist soon afterwards. He would undergo intense conditioning and beginning battle skills in his first year at the cadet academy. His second year, he would take advanced courses to grow upon these classes and become more familiar with the courses taught. In his third year, he began to learn swordplay. His fourth year was advancing on swordplay and fleshing out his flaws with his other courses. He would pass with higher scores in classroom setting classes and having some skill in other forms of training, showing more intellect than most but being average when coming to physical attributes. In the academy he was placed in a squad whos commander was a sergeant in training (By commander, I refer to them being their leader). The drill sergeant didn't really pick on him too often because others would mess up and that would draw their attention. He would pass basic training and hold his place in his original squad in the army, where he would be stationed on Coruscant for the time being.



Roleplay Sample: 
                                          [Training Mission: Defend the Hill]
                                                       [Simulation Base]
                                                     [Involved Squads: 2]
                                                     
John was readying up. Stun rounds were loaded into his rifle. Thinking about what to do in situations created in his mind, he was feeling both scared and brave at the same time. He wasn't going to hesitate to shoot at the enemy but we didn't want to let his teammates or himself down and be the first hit. He was listening to his commander, a sergeant in training. They were supposed to defend a flag that took place in a building environment. Hallways, rooms, and stairwells were all involved. It was supposed to represent a high floor on a Coruscant building so the attacking team started on, and had to bring the flag back to, a landing pad. The defenders had some turrets and collapsible cover to defend that also utilized stun rounds. The attackers had to break in, steal the flag, and get out, or they could just eliminate the opposing team. Each side had a "medic" or a person that could bring someone back if not hit in a critical area (Example: forearm). John was on the defense team. There was two hallway entrances to the room they chose to defend. The hallways had closable doors and it was a rounded room. A control station was set up to keep the field lifelike and so it curved around in a circle fashion closer to the center and was slightly elevated compared to the rest around it. The sergeant had set two turrets to cover each door. The defenders had some time to set up. John was on one side next to a turret gunner sitting behind the controls to use as cover. The controls had splits in it so they could be used as cover and still provide a area for turrets to be placed. The sergeant, two other guys, and the medic lay behind ammo crates and were to come to action if they were needed. John and another guy flanked the turret and acted as support for it. Same went for the other side. John was thinking about what would happen this time compared to previous events. Hopefully they come the other way. I don't want to be the guy who gets shot first. He readied up as he heard footsteps nearby. Another trooper did too. "Contact, they are on the other side of the wall." the trooper said. "Are they going to breach?" John asked. "No explosives this round." The sergeant grunted, "They are going to have to take the hallways." As if on cue, two of the 8 attackers sprang from cover on John's hallway by exiting a small entrance to a room. The turret man immediately started shooting at them. The first attacker tried a summersault to evade shots and ducked behind cover of another door way, but the other just ran. The second was hit and he hit the ground like a bag of bricks. The first got to return fire but was unsuccessful with accuracy. Shots went wild as they hit they cover used by the soldiers. John fired and hit the next guy square in the chest. He gasped and dropped like a rock. Even if the medic was to arrive, he wasn't coming back up. The other was hit in the leg and the other guard shot him in the chest as well. "They aren't coming back up." the trooper cracked. Then three other men started firing on the other side of the room. John thought to turn his head and watch but resisted. The other two didn't. As they turned their heads, more troops came from the hallway. Three as well. They came from each exit into the hallway and fired at the turret guy. John shouted, "Contacts! on your six! Alex, get down!" John took cover as Alex, the gunner, turned and got hit in the helmet. "Argh!" The other guard tried to return fire but was also hit in the arm. "Alex and Jacob were hit! Jacob needs to be revived! Medic!" John laid down some fire on the opposition by spraying it across the hallway. The attackers took cover as it happened. The two idle men ran to his position and the medic also hurried to heal Jacob. The sergeant was occupied with the other side. The gunner on that side was hit in the head and the two guards couldn't return fire without getting shot. John peered from behind cover to see the attackers and saw that they were behind cover but waiting for the reload. Jacob was revived and helped aid the push against them. John stood up and ran to the ammo boxes and waited. When Jacob and the other guard started to reload, they all sprung out and shot at them. Jacob was hit again, but this time in the chest. "Ugh." he gasped. The other guy had gotten to cover in time. The gunner was also hit, but in the shoulder. The medic moved to help him when he was shot in the side. As they approached and fired on the defenders whos' backs were turned, John jumped up and fired on them. As soon as he shot two of the men in critical parts, he felt the jolt of electricity and the sudden numbing of his stomach and he dropped. He was hit.

[grassyplain]

You've got a good base here, but it could be more rounded. Are there any further details on him? Where was he educated as a child, and how much? Were there any particular incidents that drew him to the military? What's his relationship with his family like? You say he keeps to himself, how does this impact his relationship with his fellow soldiers? Give us more details on his time in the academy and his specific strength and weaknesses. A hobby or two can also help give a character depth.

[darkrei9n]

Hi, I'm Darkrei9n and I'm going to give you a friendly review. Please note I am not a member of the staff and anything I say may not be accurate and the staff may have differing opinions.

With that said lets move on to the appearance.

Height/Weight: 6'0"
Appearance: Brown eyes, brown hair, no facial hair, standard Republic Soldier armor

How much does he weigh? Also the appearance could use more details. How does he stand? When he enters a room how does he appear to others? How buff is he? How does he keep his hair? When hes wearing his uniform how good is the fit? Does he look like a dirt bag in uniform or does he rival generals for appearance? Stuff like that are great additions to his appearance.

Personality: He is a rookie, often has mixed feelings, in battle he is not a hardened warrior so he either feels scared, determined, or surprised, outside of combat he usually keeps to himself

What are his feelings? Does he face inner turmoil about what he does? When hes not deployed to an active warzone how does he act? Is he the confident guy who gets picked to lead over his comrades? Is he the joker? When he is deployed does his personality change? Does he become more serious? More morbid perhaps? We want to know!

Combat Training: Attended the Republic Soldier Academy, Adept to combat but is new to the field, he had extensive training with accuracy and adrenaline, he is experienced with accuracy and not shaking with a adrenaline rush

Don't quote me on this but when they say combat training I believe the staff are going to be looking for more of a list. Stuff like Rifle Training, Hand to Hand, stuff like that. They would like to see a categorized list of what he has been trained in. Not shaking when the adrenaline is a great thing to put under personality if you want to keep it.

With this stuff out of the way lets go on to the bio.

John was born on Corellia. He would move to Coruscant in his infancy with his parents.

Who were his parents? We're kind of interested in that, we don't need their life story but it helps to know who his parents are and how that influenced him. Also not necessary but why would his parents suddenly decide to move to Coruscant? As I said its not totally necessary but it helps add fluff to John's background and help us see who he is.

He would grow up and be fascinated by the Republic Soldiers and want to become one, which he did.

There is a bit of gap between this point and joining the Republic Army. How did he do in school growing up? Was he bullied? Did he bully people? Was he a perfect student who could never do anything wrong? What did he do after he graduated school? We really want to see who John was and who he becomes.

He would attend the Academy for Republic Soldiers and pass with somewhat average scores. He would go into the army after graduating.

Once again how did he do in the academy? Was he the best at small arms? Did he get yelled at on a regular basis? How close did he come to quitting? Who were his friends? Who did he bond with? What was his instructor like? Was he the typical Drill Sergeant from hell? Was he the quiet reserved one who with just spoken words could make you realize you messed up?

When he was in the academy, he would pass with moderate scores, showing more intellect than most but being average when coming to physical attributes. He would pass it and be in the army, where he would be stationed on Coruscant for the time being.

You have already mentioned this earlier. My recommendation would remove earlier references and keep the biography in chronological order. It helps the flow of your writing and keeps you from repeating things that have already been established. Same stuff as before where you mentioned it earlier though. What was it like at the academy?

So now on to the RP sample. At a glance I will say this. It needs to be rewritten in third person and be in the past tense. I would also recommend formatting it into paragraphs to make it easier to read.

He was listening to his commander, a sergeant in training.

A commander is an officer, Sergeants are enlisted or a Non-Commissioned Officer.

The first attacker tried a summersault to evade shots

I don't know if you've ever worn a bullet proof vest but believe me, you will not be doing a somersault in one let alone in combat gear with a web belt, rifle, helmet and hard armor.

All in all the roleplay sample is decent. It has an incredibly stilted pattern though. Throughout is "John did this", "John readied his rifle", which is fine, but the entirety of the sample follows this and it doesn't flow. It simply says something happens rather than describing what happens.

Anyways, this is my review. Once again I am not staff and this is just my review for your convenience so you can try to fix it up before the staff do see it.

[John Crow]

Thank you both of you. I do not have adequate experience roleplaying on something like this. Most of it comes from Google+ communities. There was another community I joined that used proboards and was a lot more in depth than this (Halo roleplay) but the mods were inactive and I never got the chance of learning anything new.

[grassyplain]

Okay, the changes you've made so far are good. The former Mandalorian parents, that's a nice twist. Was he raised in Mandalorian culture? Does he speak the language? Does it influence his progress or his affiliation? You're making great progress. I'm just a newbie, but if you need some casual advice feel free to get in contact with me. This sort of thing is a process.

[John Crow]

You are correct when asking if he speaks the language. John does speak a little Mando'a. He doesn't usually speak it, though, as he was raised as a standard Corellian/Coruscantii child. He wasn't raised through the culture. But he does act a lot like Mandalorians.

[grassyplain]

Nice. You can put that under other skills then, speaks Mando'a and then whatever skill level you think he's at.

[Rugs]

Still around John Crow?

[John Crow]

Yes.

[Rugs]

Alright, quick look-

Status could be either what branch he's in or what specific role he is. Alive is amusing, but not quite what we're after xP

Combat Training: He has been taught how to shoot a rifle an pistol accurately, knows the basics of hand to hand combat, has some sword training with vibro blades but is considered a beginner, can throw grenades extremely well.

For this, just list out his skills and his ability, sort of like what you have with strength, agiliy, etc. For example, you could say marksmanship - average, hand to hand - average, etc

And you need to flesh your bio out a tad. Don't need a book. Just a bit more about his training so we can properly guage what level he should be at. Quick edits. PM me when they're made and you should be good to go

[John Crow]

Done.

[Rugs]

Approved

Ships/Vehicles: None



Equipment: Blaster Carbine, Blaster Pistol, Fragmentation Grenades, Republic Trooper armor



Stats:



Strength - Average

Agility - Average

Intelligence - Above Average

Charisma - Average



Combat Training:
-Marksmanship - Average
-Hand to hand combat - Adept
-Swordplay - Adept
-Explosives Tactics - Expert