Yulma Rilli -Jedi-

[peachie]

Force Sensitive Application









Name: Yulma Rilli
Race: Twi'lek
Age:
16
Birthplace: Ryloth


Allegiance: Republic
Status: Jedi Counslar
Rank: Jedi Sage
Height/Weight: 5'4 - 155 lbs.
Appearance: Tall, thin. Green skin with her Lekku's have camo on them. Light brown eyes, and some muscules. 


Personality: Nice, Funny, Emotional, Loves to Dance, Has a soft spot for Male Humans. Loves to help and heal people. 


Equipment: Lightsaber, Vibroknife, Healing Remedies



Stats: 

Strength -
Average
Agility -
Above Average
Intelligence -
Superior
Charisma -
Above Average


Force Stats:


Telekinetic-
Apprentice
Telepathic-
Novice
Body-
Apprentice
Sense-
Adept
Protection-
Apprentice
Healing:–
Master
Destruction–
Unskilled


 


Combat Training:



Vibroblade- Apprentice

Blasters- Novice
Electrostaff- Apprentice
Laser Cannon- Unskilled
Light Cannon- Novice
Martial Arts- Adept

Force Training: 

Force Push- Novice
Force Jump- Apprentice
Force Wave- Apprentice
Force Pull- Novice
Force Blast- Adept
Force Sense- Adept
Force Cripple- Novice
Force Choke- Unskilled
Force Stop- Novice
Force Speed- Apprentice


Other Training: 

Slicing- Apprentice
Diplomancy- Apprentice
Politictal- Apprentice
Dancing- Apprentice
Piloting- Adept
Synthweaving- Adept
Armortech- Novice
Healing- Master


Lightsaber Training: 



Shii-Cho-
Adept
Makashi-
Adept
Soresu-
Expert
Ataru- Master
Shien/Djem So-
Master
Niman-
Master
Juyo-
Apprentice
Double Bladed Combat-
Specialist





Biography: Yulma was born on Ryloth, into a huge Twi'lek family. Yulma was born Force-Sensitive and so was her sister, Ignese, but she died training in the force. Yulma trained in the force, by healing more that strength. In no time Yulma was a master in Force Healing and Force Sense. When Yulma was 12 she was sent to Tython to train to be a Jedi. In 3 Years, she was 15, she became a Jedi.


Roleplay Sample: "I'm Master Yulma Rilli." she said. "Hello." said a little girl about 11. "I'm Minua." the little girl said. "Im also a Miraluka." Minua added. "I'm a Twi'lek." Yulma said to Minua. 

[Fromikeable]

Hey there peachie. Lemmie just drop a few quick directives here for you:

• Don’t really need to specify that it’s a Force-sensitive application. All Jedi are, even if they’re in the Corps.
• Status should be “Jedi”, rank should be “Padawan”.
• Those personality and appearance sections are awful sparse. We don’t ask for a whole book here on SWU, but at least a paragraph would be nice. For example, as a Twi’lek, what skin tone is she? Any scars? Does she wear make-up? What sort of robes does she prefer? Etc.
• In her equipment, you list “healing remedies”. Are we talking normal medicine, or herbal stuff, or…? This is something that should be explained in your bio.
• For your stats, you shouldn’t leave stuff blank. If her Strength, for example, isn’t anything special, then just list it as “Average”. Also, I’m not quite willing to give you Superior Intelligence. This chick’s 16; unless you can prove to me with an extensive bio that she’s smarter than Einstein (who didn’t publish his first notable paper until he was 21 and educated, mind you), then it’s a no-sell.
• Same thing for the Force Stats. If she doesn’t have any training in a field, it should read as “Untrained”.
• Those are a lot of combat skills for a 16 year-old padawan. Let’s tune it back to one that she’s a novice in; the Jedi Order doesn’t give much priority to teaching anything but basic saber and force techniques to younglings. That said, any specialized skills should be coming from her master, and again, even if she’s a prodigy, she’s probably only an Adept at one thing so far. I’m also not sure of the difference between “Laser Cannon” and “Light Cannon”. Do you mean blasters?
• Most of those Force Powers are just standard powers that fall under the Force Stats. The ones I take issue with are Choke, Cripple, Blast, Stop, and Speed. Choke and Cripple are distinctly non-Jedi-y (the pacifist Order isn’t really big on teaching kids how to choke people to death or cause them crippling physical trauma). Blast is… honestly sort of a useless power that’s essentially Push but with more glowy bits (probably not worth your time, unless you’re set on it). As for Speed and Stop, I have no idea what either of those are. I assume you mean “Speed” as in Yulma making herself faster (which falls under the Body stat), and so far as I can tell, “Stop” isn’t a defined power.
• Again, for Other Training, that is a toooooon of skills. Let’s wind that back a bit; pick your favorite two or three. Remember that you need to explain the skills, how they were acquired, and why in the bio.
• For you Saber Techniques, we likewise need to clean house a bit. All younglings are Adepts at Shii-Cho, but that’s it. Any additional training with sabers is dependent on the master, and generally people can’t effectively learn more than one or two forms at a time, which means Yulma is probably learning more Shii-Cho and some other form of her master’s knowledge.
  
  In short, knock the Shii-Cho down to “Adept” (unless they’ve been focusing on saber training heavily, which needs to be in the bio) and maybe one other thing of your choosing to “Novice” (which also needs to be in the bio). Except for Juyo. Yulma needs to master at least three other forms before that, which definitely isn’t happening for a while.
• Now that that’s all covered, the Bio needs some work. I’ve been saying through this whole review what I’m saying again now; the bio needs to explain your character. Why is her personality the way it is? Where was she from? Who were her parents? How did she wind up in the Order? How was she as a youngling? What did she like to study, if she even liked studying? Who’s her master? Why? What are they like?
  
  These are all important questions that we need to understand the character. I’m not asking for a novel here, but I’m at least asking for a page or two. Just some explanation as to who this is, why, how, and what that means. Birth to 16; not too much ground to cover. If you need any idea of what to talk about or how much we’d like you to go into it, check out another few applications of a similarly-aged character. Some people write a lot, some write comparatively little, but they all put some effort in and are rewarded for it.
• Same goes for the RP example. Imagine you were actually writing for someone else here on SWU; how big a post would you give them? Again, not asking for a mountain of text, but at least a paragraph or two. Show us how she thinks, how she responds to literally anything.

That’s all I’ve got for you. Post here when you’re ready to proceed!