Corner of Emotion

[Squee]

Okay, yes, if I ever type onto this thing, it might be to rant about something or another. I rarely get mad, but when I do, I have an extremely nasty temper. I gnash my teeth and then its the best time for me to do martial arts. However, every time it appears that I get angry, THERE'S NOTHING GOIN' ON.

I hate those son of a pregnant doges who decide there's nothing more and better to do than take the crap out of someone they have no clue. Many of you would say not to worry about it or just ban the guy. I can ban him from my site, but my second in command has control of the bloody c-box and I can't effing ban them because I have no freakin' control! So, therefore, I can ban them, but they will come in the cbox and attempt to show how smart they. This may be the reaction the bastard was looking for, but I will NOT DARE show it on my site, where he can have utter satsifaction of striking a nerve.

They're the lowliest lifeform on the face of the earth. They deserve to be hunt down and shot through the brain. I don't have the power there, but I wish I did sometimes.

I hate it especially when they take it out on my 'decorating tastes' and having to have someone else follow the HTML coding because I don't have the patience, the passion, or the TIME to learn HTML. I don't have photoshop, I don't make images. I'm a writer. I'm the person who's always there for others on the site. I do my best to soothe things over. I try to maintain a clean board. I manage it to the best of my effing capabilities!

And I get visited each night while I'm asleep by some idiot who thinks its fun to disrupt my board and scare everyone off.

And to top this off, here goe the scream:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

[seraphimxix]

Curious, is this, like, you're rant spot, or just a general "if you have a rant, post here" thing?

Okay, yes, if I ever type onto this thing, it might be to rant about something or another. I rarely get mad, but when I do, I have an extremely nasty temper. I gnash my teeth and then its the best time for me to do martial arts. However, every time it appears that I get angry, THERE'S NOTHING GOIN' ON.

I hate those son of a pregnant doges who decide there's nothing more and better to do than take the crap out of someone they have no clue. Many of you would say not to worry about it or just ban the guy. I can ban him from my site, but my second in command has control of the bloody c-box and I can't effing ban them because I have no freakin' control! So, therefore, I can ban them, but they will come in the cbox and attempt to show how smart they. This may be the reaction the bastard was looking for, but I will NOT DARE show it on my site, where he can have utter satsifaction of striking a nerve.

They're the lowliest lifeform on the face of the earth. They deserve to be hunt down and shot through the brain. I don't have the power there, but I wish I did sometimes.

I hate it especially when they take it out on my 'decorating tastes' and having to have someone else follow the HTML coding because I don't have the patience, the passion, or the TIME to learn HTML. I don't have photoshop, I don't make images. I'm a writer. I'm the person who's always there for others on the site. I do my best to soothe things over. I try to maintain a clean board. I manage it to the best of my effing capabilities!

And I get visited each night while I'm asleep by some idiot who thinks its fun to disrupt my board and scare everyone off.

And to top this off, here goe the scream:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

That's some pretty serious stuff. I'm sorry to hear that. Incidentally, it was a previously banned spammer who killed my rp forum, so I can relate. If you have any more problems I can kill the people of question though.

[Squee]

You gotta wonder sometimes: What makes you shatter? Could it be a hammer to your head? A lie from a family member? A best friend turning their nose up at you suddenly? A boyfriend or girlfriend who decides to up and leave you?

For me, it's usually the last one. Relationships can be difficult. It's hard to find someone who will actually stay true to their word. Most of the time, the odds are, they don't thrive like they sold themselves to be. You expect support, and advice with expert listening skills; a shoulder to cry on, a sensitive ear to listen, an angel to help you back to your feet when the going gets rough. You should be able to expect so much of them, but not in a demanding way.

What do you call being used? Something of a trophy to show off your friends? To be kicked under the bed when the shows over? Blown off, mistreated, backstabbed, hurt, and squashed so far that you don't want to stand back up again.

That's the problem, I realize among women. When a man pushes you so far and squashes you so beneath him, you don't want to stand back up and fight for the right you deserve. It's not going to change. It'll only get worse.

Shattered. Little bits of you gone, replaced with something that is totally not you. If friends start noticing, they'll step up to the plate for you, but it'll never be the real break up until you say so. And if your friends go for your sake and you're caught alone, guess who gets squashed.

Yeah. Me. And I'm done. Time to get my dignity and pride back. Because I don't deserve to be miserable.

Onward.

[Squee]

I doubt anyone can explain, but the rhetorical question will still arise.

Why did I make one of the stupidest choices ever? Why did I choose something that turned out to be worse than I had expected? Why hadn't I given it ANY thought? I just right out and said "yes".

Worst mistake ever. What I get for kindness and being there to listen to feelings, to allowed to be hugged, to be dragged into having arms wrapped around me, things said into my ear, to be a heater when he was cold...

Kindness comes back to bite you in the butt. So be mean. It's the best chance you have. Don't always say sure or "I'll think about it", but say "HELL no" or "Never. Won't do it". Girls, you'll be better off in the long run. Because as soon as they get what they want, they want more. And when you finally put your foot down, they don't like it. It's all glares and snarls, kicks and tears.

Do I like the ex? No, not much any longer. So, why am I still moaning over him?

Because he's hurting me.

Now, Squee doesn't like to be bitter. But she tends to pretend to steal her jaw and take whack after whack after whack on her already gawddamn sore chin. And sometimes she can be so wrapped up in her act, she forgets who she's talking to or where she is until she realizes she's being meaner than usual.

So, if Squee ever starts talking ugly in the cbox, ask her if something is really wrong or say something that'll catch her attention. Because maybe I'm not mad. More than fifty percent of the time I'm not REALLY angry. But an act so her pride isn't wounded any further. I don't like to be sympathized in real life. Because the only time I'm ever sympathized is when I'm crying. I hate crying. It's a worthless act of life. The only time I let myself cry is when I'm in the safety of my room.

Other than that, you'll see a fake stubborn, angry glint in her eye.

[Squee]

Today's emotions: fear and exhaustion.

Nightmares. Anyone else have them? I've had them for three straight nights in a row. I cried today, and nobody likes it when Squee cries because it's the most pitiful sight ever. Squee hates it too, and hates it with a burning passion as hot as that sun shining through your window. I don't cry very often, but if simple, horrible dreams for THREE nights make Squee cry, there's something going on.

I see everything I love, hold dear, or just as well like disappear before my eyes and vanish before my fingertips. The first night, everything thing silly that I loved disappeared. My music, my computer, my ring that's on my left hand, my papers, my pencils, my... my art work. Gone.

And the second night my family was died or dying in the most awful of ways. Torture or swift deaths, semi-trucks and car crashes, knives, guns, pianos, chairs, anything. Or, they came after me, hating on me with red eyes that make me want to shrivel into a corner.

And last night... all my friends. Died, dead, or dying, or raising from the dead to kill me, or being possessed to kill me, or just... attempting at murder. It was horrible. I cried. I cried so hard.

Now, Squee, it's just a dream.

She knows. But it's so hard when it runs around in your head and the scene replays over and over. It's almost frightening. And nightmares cause me to thrash and lash out at everything that's in my bed. I wake up repeatedly, I sweat, I whimper, I cry out in my dreams, anything bad you think that a person acting out in a dream happens to me. And therefore I don't get much sleep, which makes it hard for me to purge the memories of my dream from my head. I can't think straight. I don't have energy.

And I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight. I'm fifteen. I should be better than this. Yet, somehow... I'm insecure. I suppose praying would help, and thinking about nice things or reading or listening to music before bed would help.

A good night would be nice. Really nice.

[Squee]

Emotions: Anger, angst, sadness

Friends are great, don't get me wrong. Boyfriends are fun, don't get me wrong. I love them to death, don't get me wrong. It's when things get all mixed up that I hate.

I got angry at my boyfriend last night. Truth be told, he didn't know he was pissing me off, so he kept at his games. I got fed up and I stopped talking to him. I ignored him. And he's a sweetheart and doesn't like it when I'm angry or sad or stressed or yadeeyadda. He most definitely feels guilty when I have these feelings toward him. He wants to fix it, but doesn't know HOW. And so, he appeals to my best friend, who knows me better than probably my PARENTS do, for help.

I just don't understand why my friend tries to figure out what's wrong with ME, to tell my boyfriend, and gets wrapped up in the whole thing. She wants to know what's wrong, my boyfriend only gives off he believes I'm angry at him, but she doesn't give him any hints on how to make sure he can figure out on his own. She comes to me and bugs the hell outta me to know.

And then she gets pissed off at me for telling her to back out of our business. It is between me and my boyfriend. I don't want to say what's going on, and she goes off about how I should think about how I talk to people! I was talking just fine until she tested my already short fuse and with trying to surface what's wrong, she set off the dynamite.

So, I've got a best friend who's ticked off at me because I won't say what happened between me and Dylan. And I've got a boyfriend who's scared I'm still angry with him.

Am I at WRONG somehow? Someone, please, tell me, did I DO WRONG? Don't I have the right to my privacy? Don't I have a right to be angry?

[A®heim]

*smashes through ancient hieroglyphed walls with a pickaxe and steps through hole*

Incredible....I have found it at long last! They said I was crazy but it really does exist! I have located the Darkness of Squee, the ancient subterranean world where all the negative emotions of that seemingly undauntable being have been deposited for over 6,000 years! I knew she couldn't possibly be so happy all the time! What a marvelous discovery! I will be revered in the archeological community! I will have money, fame, everything!

I must get proof! I know, I'll get a rubbing of that stone tablet recollecting one of her events of misery and sorro- *falls through pit trap* AHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[Squee]

There seems to be something wrong with me and relationships. I love them to death, yes, but, I think I'm the one who gets hurt the most by them. Is that normal? Is that feminine of me? I don't know. I don't understand. All I understand is something is wrong and I'm left in a puddle of tears. Angst? I try not to have much of it. And it's not because I need a good cry either. I mean, it truly, genuinely hurts.

So, I write this. I snuffle back snot and continually brush away tears, move my jaw, and try to find that steely nerve that's inside me. I know it's there.

But I constantly cycle back to the problem. I never blame anyone unless there's evidence that it's ONLY them. I try to find the fault in me. Once I find that fault, I apologize. It drives me crazy when I can't find that fault. I've been told I always think there's something wrong with me, even when there really isn't.

Now, I can't find fault in myself. I exercised my rights completely fair. My ideas and my beliefs are always firmly stated. I can't form THOSE so they fit YOU. It just won't happen. I'm beginning to see where this is going. The boyfriend wants me to change MY BELIEFS so they fit his. I don't believe I should, so, I won't.

But this difference between us makes him feel... I don't know, untouchable.

And it's getting to me.

Someone remind me why I go through relationships.

[A®heim]

Because it is natural. Any relationship that doesn't have its rough points is false. If your life is perfect, wake up from the dream or try to track down the two multi-millionaire brothers toying with your life for a bet they've made.

Stick with it. If you make it through let that be just another obstacle you've conquered. One more mountain you've scaled to make it to happiness.

[Squee]

Emotions: Well, mostly stress

God, I've been so busy. x.x I'm releasing a lot of stress in this post, so, anyone reading, that's what's going on. Maybe a touch of PMS along the way. Hey, it's getting to be around that time, and I'll admit to being the most unpredictable person when IT occurs. >.<

Anyway, wow, lemme see, Saturday before last two of our computers got a really nasty bug that eventually shut down a desk top and almost ripped the guts out of a laptop. So that occupied me a couple of days. Course, I have church on Sundays. I was swapping places with a friend, she came to my house and I went to hers. At her house I can't do a damn thing on the computer and here we're having too much fun playing video games and simply messing around. Happened until Wednesday. Thursday I fell ill. Again. And developed an allergic reaction to my medication I was taking to be rid of my sinus infection. Yuck. Nasty rash, and was tripped to the Doc's the next day. I got home and wasted the day simply sleeping.

Saturday I was dragged from bed and sat through driver's ed class. To those who don't know, I am merely fifteen. Don't ever believe my age on a profile. xD But, seven hours of that and I passed my permit test.

Sunday was church and my sister's birthday. Yay! Social event while dealing with a very pissed off friend because I got my permit. Oh mah goodness. I was so upset. I don't like people being angry with me too much. I'm a very happy-go-lucky person, as I've probably stated. I like being happy. I have been told by many folks I am the happiest person they have ever meant. And it's because I don't have many issues with my life. Who wants problems in their life? I sure as hell don't.

Monday I was tripped down to a downtown to get an MRI done. I hurt my shoulder swimming way back in October and am now only getting it treated. The surgery will be next. This means no swimming for me during school this year. T_T This troubles me some, as I like to swim, but it is better to heal.

And today was finally a mostly lazy day. Wow.

Anyway, better get some posting done.

~Squee

[Squee]

Man, I haven't written here in a long time but it's the only site that will let me go ANYWHERE at this point in time because... well, my computer is being an ass and not letting me on like... deviantart. Keeps freezing up, so, I am going to post my rant here instead of there like I have been doing.

I'm really upset. Otherwise I would not be writing. I'm curious as to WHY I don't deserve respect out of my two roommates, one my sister, the other my best friend, as I sit here in the hotel at San Antonio. I have been awake earlier than I've wanted. Wake up time was supposed to be seven. However, I don't follow protocol because I like my sleep in and it does not take me an hour and a half to get ready, since we leave at eight-thirty. That's what I was told, anyway, if they changed the time, well, then, they have to tell me. They being my parents at this point.

Now here's some things: My roommates are early birds. They like getting up at the crack of dawn every day and get ready and then wait around an hour. I would prefer to lay in the comfortable bed for as long as possible. This goes especially because I can be ready in fifteen minutes. I don't need the hour and fifteen minute gap to feel safe that I will be on record time.

So, I'm trying to sleep, you know, because, I don't have to be up. For the past TWO days I have missed at least thirty minutes of sleep that could have had my name stamped on them. My roommates have been LOUD and using the blow dryer (which is FIVE feet from the bed) when they've showered the night before. They run and giggle and squeal and beat their feet.

Is it so much to understand what I want by sitting up and telling them to quiet down?

I don't take crap. I got a bunch this morning. Instead of hearing me out, they decided to tell me I was too snappy and that I was too lazy to get up and join them and that I was not going to ruin their morning by telling them to be quiet! I'm not against them having fun! I could care LESS about them having fun, but they can have fun QUIETLY because it's the respectful thing to do. There isn't a NEED to run the blow dryer.

My best friend gets easily offended at anything she deems "snappish". To this, I say (but have not yet), "Put your big girl panties on and DEAL WITH IT." She is in the presence of MY family. There's going to be YELLING or a TELLING TO because that is HOW THIS EFFING FAMILY OPERATES. Like the other day when I went out for a few minutes only to come back to try to enter my hotel room only to find my friend and my sister had put the chain on the door. This readily pissed me off because there was absolutely no need for it when half the group is standing on the porch. I told them not to do that because there wasn't a need and I got snarled at for yelling. Okay how else am I supposed to get across that there wasn't a need to chain the door?

Last night I ended up crying on the phone to my boyfriend. If I wasn't a quarter to six over where he is at the moment, I would, but I won't. I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the target over two similar material people who always take each others back because they believe they know each other SO WELL. Well, then, they can be best friends. I'm going to stay out of it. I'm not going to say anything more. I can't get the respect I deserve for my kind of person. I can fight for it, and fight for it intelligently, but I won't get it because they just like to ACT LIKE THIRTEEN YEAR OLD B!TCHES.

-sigh-

[Squee]

Hrm... over two years this time.

Well...

Hmm... Wondering if I should put my feelings out there or not. I don't particularly enjoy being whiny, because it's not fun to be nor is it fun to read. I don't know who reads these. If there was someone I could think I could go to, or even wanted to, at this point in time, I would instead of posting here.

I just... I feel kind of lost. I think that's because I'm confused by my own feelings. I have logical wars that I'm raging inside my head. I wish I wasn't waging logical wars, or even a heart/logic war, because its affecting another person. If it was only affecting me, I think I would not be so stressed over it.

And of stress... School has died down. I don't have school stress.

I have becoming a better adult stress. Part of me is like "YEAH, GO GET 'EM" and yet, recently, a piece of me wants to be five again. I'm slightly worried for my future, I suppose.

Even though I'm told I'll do well and that I'm a smart kid and I'll figure it out, it SCARES the CRAP out of me. I will admit it.

I have... wonderful parents who said I am willing to remain under their roof while I go to school. Granted, school entails getting internships and putting my all into college, but still... they're letting me live here and eat their food. I still feel like a freeloader, but there's not much I can do about it. I need to start getting back into the habit of doing some more chores. Yeah... that would help a little, I think.

And then I kinda feel like my personal relationship is a little stretched thin, atm. I don't like it. I hate thinking about it. But I need to turn and face that stretching. This is where my logical warfare is, where I'm trying to make a decision about the future of this relationship that will impact him... rather significantly. This is not a "continue or end it" kind of decision, just a decision that will have long term consequences... and I just don't know what to think. I'm troubled.

And even as I write all this out, I realize I won't get the kind of emotional relief I was hoping for. I've only managed to raise my stress due to unreleased emotions and thereby increase my blood pressure, which results in a body that feels rather sickened/tired/worn out/ other synonyms.

Hrm... I don't know what to do with myself right now. I guess I could work on homework, but I worry that will increase my stress. I'm not in the proper mood for drawing, because I do have commissions to work on. I wish my friend would call me back, because we planned on doing some henna tattooing this weekend. Which will be fun. And then I'm anxiously awaiting my mother's return because I know she's going to have something to yell at me about and remind me of real life.

... I think this song is most fitting right now:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mi8wvLLnRmA

Now, what to do with my life...

[Dutch]

Now, what to do with my life...

Live it baby doll. Live it