Joshua Marino

[☢Axl☢]

Aw damnit.

[Meira]

Take out all the notes from the application, those are for your reference, not mine.


Mmk... first off... slavery is illegal on Alderaan.

Secondly, why do the Mandalorians leave Josh? It doesn't make sense to leave a witness.

You talk about Josh progressing faster than all the other younglings... but I don't see anything particularly great about him. You've provided no details to back up this claim.

Now, after Cara dies, you say Josh jets off to Alderaan. No... Padawans are not free to just run off whenever they please. They are wards of the Jedi and are watched over. A knight might have that freedom, not a padawan. And aside from that, why go to Alderaan? why not just go to a meditation chamber or other quiet place in the temple. Why not seek out comfort or advice from a master at the temple?

Break up that long paragraph. It includes Cara's funeral (which by the way wouldn't last 4 hours... The Jedi don't dwell on death like that. They'd burn the body in a short respectful ceremony and that would be it) , Josh's time on Alderaan, and his revenge on the gang boss... those are three separate events and deserve their own paragraphs.

The Jedi don't take up "general" roles in the republic military until the clone wars. They assist and all that, sure, but hold not place in the military itself. They are there as allies. Also, conflict between the sith military and the Republic has only just started, and wasn't an issue back then, so that overpowered part about killing 70 men needs to be taken out. It doesn't work with the site plot and it's too much for a character of this age.

I don't see why he is knighted... Perhaps in his time fighting, he has passed the trials of courage and flesh, but what about the trials of skill and spirit?

Your bio give (little) detail of his life up to a year after knighthood, which I presume puts him at 23. But you have him at 28... what has happened in those 5 years?

Overall, the bio needs more detail. We know next to nothing about Josh as a person, so his sudden bout of darkness (which seems irrelevant, because there is no consequence or follow through) seems out of place in a character who seems to serve the Jedi well. Why does he suddenly go dark? And why doesn't it affect him later on? You don't just have a moment like that and then it not pop back up every now and then...

What you have here is the basic idea of a character, which could be great. What you need to do is breath life into him and flesh him out a bit. Otherwise, all you've got is a shell.

Stat:

Lower Shien/ Djem So to 3


Force abilities:

Lower your 8 to a 7 and all your 7s to 6s. Also, how'd he learn destruction skills?


Specialized Skills:

All are denied. Specialized skills are rare and need to be explained in the bio.


Attributes:

Leadership is too high for a character that hasn't displayed leadership abilities.
Unarmed and Melee are both way too high. I would say nothing above a 7.

Attunement is too high, especially for one who has had a bout with the dark side. I wouldn't put him above a 5.

The RP sample is ok... but there are inconsistencies in it. You can't just go to a bar and arrest someone... how do they know these were the right guys? Also, Jedi are skilled in the arts of concealing themselves from notice. How come they couldn't do so here? Doesn't make sense.


Ok, go through and make the edits. Post when you've done so.

[☢Axl☢]

revised

[Meira]

Mmmk... I don't believe slavery is legal on Dantooine either. To tell you the truth, I don't see why you're stuck on his family being slaves... Why not just poor farmers? The slavery bit just seems irrelevant. Also... all you did was change Alderaan to Dantooine in that first paragraph. Under birthplace, it still says Alderaan. And in the second paragraph it also says Alderaan.

Again I'm going to say that the Jedi do not serve in the Republic military. And what's more, there haven't been any huge scale conflicts for a while. The Mandalorians haven't been an organized threat in a long time and are just now starting to.

I would recommend taking all that out and in stead talk about actual missions. Which would be more Jedi-like.

What is the point of wiping his memory if it just comes right back? And also, wiping the memory doesn't really help Josh. It's an easy way out. The Council wouldn't just do that. Instead, they would have him learn from the experience. Because if they just wipe the memory, knowing that it will wear off, they run the risk of Josh becoming enraged and falling to the dark side. No, the Council would more likely keep a close eye on him and set him on a meditation routine and likely council him during his time at the temple. They wouldn't just erase it all and pretend it didn't happen.