Joshua Marino

[proto]

This character is too young to be classified as a Guardian. I would also like to point out that Force Crush is an advanced Dark Side technique, so it would be in your best interest to remove it.

[gusha]

Don't be afraid of making a older character. If you want the stats you have listed here I would expect a much older character.

[☢Axl☢]

okay...he's older tada

[proto]

Gonna have to add 8 years of bio. Or at least change around some of the bio reflecting his new age.

[gusha]

What I would do is give him a roughly full length padawan period, and elaborate on it. Two good missions would be nice. Push the class of younglings to 18 at the earliest. Also go in depth about how he feels about things. Has he ever struggled with the dark side? is he a eagle scout? or somewhere in between. His bio isn't just a history it is a biography so what dose he feel about each of the events.

[☢Axl☢]

Ok i added stuff...

[proto]

In the last paragraph you state that for the next 12 years that he had nothing to do but then you state that 4 years later he was relieved of his teaching duties. The wording seems to imply that he taught for 12 years and then after another 4 he was removed from his teaching position and knighted. Which would in the end make him about 33 years of age, I would also like to point out that I don't see the council appointing an apprentice to teach younglings. I also don't see the merit in him being knighted simply because he instructed younglings. No matter how long he had taught them.

[sparrow]

If you are going to have your character be familiar with six of the major lightsaber forms, you're going to have to explain it or at least create the impression that this character has been studying lightsaber combat very extensively for many years.

Also, here's a little inconsistency. If Josh was the only one who knew about himself throwing a twi'lek off a building, then how can the Council tell him that it's not his fault?

[☢Axl☢]

I meant its not his fault that Cara died...

[gusha]

Okay some more questions to think about...I swear this character is going to have an amazing Bio...What classes did he teach? How many youngnlings were in his classes? What age group did he teach? Why did the council assign him to be a teacher? How does he feel about that assignment? Does he have a favorite student? Why was this student his favorite? Not all these questions need to be answered but they will turn that 12 years teaching into something that seems like 12 years. Joss Wheadon once said, "Everyone is the hero of the story." He meant this in how we view our own actions. Your bio is all about you. It is your chance to let us know about the character(who is for all intense and purposes you please just go with it when I use you). Let us know really about his adventure as if he were the hero not a member of an ensemble cast.

[sparrow]

Another thing that should be addressed... Guardians generally achieve their rank by proving their mettle in combat. That the council would bestow upon him that ranking following 12 years of teaching seems a little unconventional, and thus begs for more explaination. Also, as Tieko pointed out above, how did he get to teach youngling classes while still only a padawan?

[☢Axl☢]

revised

[gusha]

okay next battery of questions, what does it mean to be a general in the Field of combat? What does he do. Also what missions has he done over the last year?

[sparrow]

Just like we asked you above how an 18 year old got assigned to teach younglings, we're gonna have to ask you why the council would ever assign an 18 year old padawan as a general. As this seems to be a very unusual occurrence, a bit of explanation will be needed.

Also, I don't think saying that 12 years has passed while he was a general is going to make it past the mods. Details, details, details! They're your friends!

[☢Axl☢]

Revised

[gusha]

Okay I think we have a solid bio here now. Even after this character is approved go back and rewrite your bio make it more clear. I think your melee skill might need to be lowered to eight to give your character some time to grow. On a structure not it might be good to expand last paragraph into about three but other then that you have worked hard on this guy.

[proto]

I have more requests......

Lower Sense and Telekinetic down to 6-7 seeing as you ARE a guardian. I also suggest lowering Destruction to around 2 or 3 seeing as a Knight with a force attunment of +8 would barely have a rudimentary knowledge of actual destructive force powers. It would also be a good Idea to run this through a spell-checker, you've made quite a few grammatical errors.

[☢Axl☢]

Ok, after that is he approved?

[proto]

We or at least I do not have the ability to approve your profile. You will most likely have to wait until Meira comes back on.

[gusha]

yeah sorry man I dont have approval powers just helping powers.