Post by Grawn on Mar 31, 2009 14:40:30 GMT -5
Hey all, this is a story i had to do over a "unexpected" story. Those kind that make you WTf o.O at the end and your head explodes aka Sixth Sense.
Your comments are welcome, good or bad. Constructive critism is appreciated.
Structuring probably blows but dis iz the netz lawl
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The sun shone brightly through the window of his room as Zack opened his eyes. Almost immediately he paniced, but settled down as he realized he was laying in his bed. Moving his sheets off he moved his legs over the bed and felt the cold hard wood floor on his feet. He sat puzzled for a minute, trying to recall what happened the night prior, but his mind was blank. Shrugging, assuring himself he'd remember later, he got up and made his way to the window. A smile came to his face as he saw children playing at the park across the street.
Deciding today was a good day, the teen walked out of his room and down the stairs to see his parents watching T.V.
"Hey guys", he said somewhat cheerfully.
"A lot of work today. Got to find a place to put it all", he heard his father say as Zack left the living room and entered the kitchen. The teen sighed; he knew his dad would have something for him to do, usually yard work. Without another thought, Zack went to the fridge and opened it, feeling the cold radiate from it. Not seeing anything he wanted or seeming pleasing to his stomach, he shut the door and saw his Great dane, Sampson.
"Hey buddy", he greeted, patting the dog on the head affectionately. Zack remembered the day his parents bought Sampson as a puppy a number of years ago; he was still cute as ever. The dog looked at Zack, slanting his head as if confused. The teen chuckled; his dog had always been a goof ball and decided he'd talk to his parents before leaving to get some real food.
Maybe McDonalds? The thought brought saliva to his mouth and Zack began to walk out when something caught his eye. A knife gleamed in the kitchen sink, covered in ketchup.
"Greedy punks", muttered Zack, his parents knew he liked meatloaf. He walked into the living room to see his parents still watching TV.
"Im going to head out for McDonalds real quick", he said quickly not wanting them to give him a "no" response.
"A lot of work", his father echoed his words from earlier. Sighing, he was about ready to reply when his father stood up and left the room. Then Zack noticed his mother sobbing.
"Why did you argue with your father Zack, especially when he was drunk?", she sobbed. When was his father drunk? He could get pretty out of control, into rages that you just had to let past and not try to anger him.
"What?", asked Zack, anger starting to fill him. If his father had done anything to his mother he would...
Without waiting or his motehr to reply he went after his dad. Entering the kitchen, Zack saw the basement door was open, so with a growl he went down the stairs. He knew his dad had hit his mother before when he was drink. Had Zack said something to send him into a rage and caused him to beat his wife?
"Dad!", he roared as his feet met the concrete floor of the basement. There he saw his dad dragging something out of the crawl space.
"Zack, Zack, Zack", the large man echoed with a tone of pity.
"What did you do to mom!", Zack asked angerly as his father pulled out a tarp wrapped around a long shape.
"You shouldn't have angered me boy", his dad replied as he brought the tarped object to a table. His anger flared and Zack appraoched his father, fist clenched until the man took out somehtign from his pocket. The light from the overhanging light reflected off the knife blade which was covered in red. The ketchup drenched knife from the kitchen? Just as Zack was about to yell; his father raised the blade and stabbed into the tarp, tearing a long hole down the middle. Zack's eyes went wide with confusion and fear at what he saw in the tarp.
Zack laid dead on the table, a wound in his blood drenched chest.
Your comments are welcome, good or bad. Constructive critism is appreciated.
Structuring probably blows but dis iz the netz lawl
----------------------------------------------
The sun shone brightly through the window of his room as Zack opened his eyes. Almost immediately he paniced, but settled down as he realized he was laying in his bed. Moving his sheets off he moved his legs over the bed and felt the cold hard wood floor on his feet. He sat puzzled for a minute, trying to recall what happened the night prior, but his mind was blank. Shrugging, assuring himself he'd remember later, he got up and made his way to the window. A smile came to his face as he saw children playing at the park across the street.
Deciding today was a good day, the teen walked out of his room and down the stairs to see his parents watching T.V.
"Hey guys", he said somewhat cheerfully.
"A lot of work today. Got to find a place to put it all", he heard his father say as Zack left the living room and entered the kitchen. The teen sighed; he knew his dad would have something for him to do, usually yard work. Without another thought, Zack went to the fridge and opened it, feeling the cold radiate from it. Not seeing anything he wanted or seeming pleasing to his stomach, he shut the door and saw his Great dane, Sampson.
"Hey buddy", he greeted, patting the dog on the head affectionately. Zack remembered the day his parents bought Sampson as a puppy a number of years ago; he was still cute as ever. The dog looked at Zack, slanting his head as if confused. The teen chuckled; his dog had always been a goof ball and decided he'd talk to his parents before leaving to get some real food.
Maybe McDonalds? The thought brought saliva to his mouth and Zack began to walk out when something caught his eye. A knife gleamed in the kitchen sink, covered in ketchup.
"Greedy punks", muttered Zack, his parents knew he liked meatloaf. He walked into the living room to see his parents still watching TV.
"Im going to head out for McDonalds real quick", he said quickly not wanting them to give him a "no" response.
"A lot of work", his father echoed his words from earlier. Sighing, he was about ready to reply when his father stood up and left the room. Then Zack noticed his mother sobbing.
"Why did you argue with your father Zack, especially when he was drunk?", she sobbed. When was his father drunk? He could get pretty out of control, into rages that you just had to let past and not try to anger him.
"What?", asked Zack, anger starting to fill him. If his father had done anything to his mother he would...
Without waiting or his motehr to reply he went after his dad. Entering the kitchen, Zack saw the basement door was open, so with a growl he went down the stairs. He knew his dad had hit his mother before when he was drink. Had Zack said something to send him into a rage and caused him to beat his wife?
"Dad!", he roared as his feet met the concrete floor of the basement. There he saw his dad dragging something out of the crawl space.
"Zack, Zack, Zack", the large man echoed with a tone of pity.
"What did you do to mom!", Zack asked angerly as his father pulled out a tarp wrapped around a long shape.
"You shouldn't have angered me boy", his dad replied as he brought the tarped object to a table. His anger flared and Zack appraoched his father, fist clenched until the man took out somehtign from his pocket. The light from the overhanging light reflected off the knife blade which was covered in red. The ketchup drenched knife from the kitchen? Just as Zack was about to yell; his father raised the blade and stabbed into the tarp, tearing a long hole down the middle. Zack's eyes went wide with confusion and fear at what he saw in the tarp.
Zack laid dead on the table, a wound in his blood drenched chest.
