Post by Jenno on Aug 1, 2007 2:06:02 GMT -5
So Far:
1. Jedi don't take children at birth, they're not a childcare center.
2. I two sentences you went for just being bored, to having had 15 years pass.
3. First two sentences of the second paragraph are virtually the same.
4. You don't need a colon after 'colours of', it's merely a list that you can just use regular commas for.
5. I don't really see the point in the whole fourth paragraph, seeing as a lot of Jedi know about the crystals on Ilum.
6. I'm not getting a single jolt of emotion/feeling. Even if you say he's emotionless or something like that (which isn't really possible unless you roleplay it that way, which would be quite difficult). Unless you show emotion well, you'll never achieve Master rank.
7. Things seem to be put simply and could easily be expanded upon.
'He broke the lock and quickly stabbed Ju'nixca. He died...'
that could be expanded upon greatly and that's just one thing.
8. This Ju'nixca character, how many lives does he have? He's been killed your character twice so far... <<
That's all I can see at the moment, but I just got up and I gotta get ready for work.
1. Jedi don't take children at birth, they're not a childcare center.
2. I two sentences you went for just being bored, to having had 15 years pass.
3. First two sentences of the second paragraph are virtually the same.
4. You don't need a colon after 'colours of', it's merely a list that you can just use regular commas for.
5. I don't really see the point in the whole fourth paragraph, seeing as a lot of Jedi know about the crystals on Ilum.
6. I'm not getting a single jolt of emotion/feeling. Even if you say he's emotionless or something like that (which isn't really possible unless you roleplay it that way, which would be quite difficult). Unless you show emotion well, you'll never achieve Master rank.
7. Things seem to be put simply and could easily be expanded upon.
'He broke the lock and quickly stabbed Ju'nixca. He died...'
that could be expanded upon greatly and that's just one thing.
8. This Ju'nixca character, how many lives does he have? He's been killed your character twice so far... <<
That's all I can see at the moment, but I just got up and I gotta get ready for work.