Leear Coston

[leearcoston]

Faction: Republic Military
Department: Army
Rank: Private

Name: Leear Coston
Race: Human
Age: 19
Height: 6ft
Weight: 154
Appearance:

Birth place: Tatioone

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 6
Intelligence: 7
Speed: 2
Leadership: 1

Unarmed: 7
Melee Weapons: 1
Ranged Weapons: 6

Alignment: +5

Bio: Born on Tatooine and raised by just his father, Jamie Coston, his mother, Kimberly Coston, died in child birth. Leear was raised on Tatooine until he was 5 when his father met a woman named Osila, they then moved too Coruscant where his father ran a hotel, The Coston Inn. Leear had a normal schooling, same as everyone else but was bullied constantly and always in fights. The school and his family did nothing about it. His step Mum hated him and always mentioned boarding school, in turn he hated her. With Leear being in regular fights in school and always in trouble, when Leear was 14 he joined a swoop gang, and developed a talent for riding and became good in fights. He was regularly in trouble with the law and became the gang leaders best friend and they were inseparable, the gang leader Harry was 16 and taught Leear everything he knew, they went off together for a month, during Leears birthday, too Naboo on a fishing holiday, where they grew close and began too fall for each other, Leears first love. The first kiss was incredibly cheesy, the sun was setting and Harry leant in and they kissed. They managed too keep it a secret from everybody in the gang and their families.
It came too a point where, when he was 18, the school and Leears parents sat down in a meeting too talk about what too do with Leear. Leear was pacing outside panicking because he didn’t want too leave Harry, so Leear walked off too Harry’s house too talk too him about it, Leear walked too Harrys house and heard a pistol and ran in and saw him dying, He went too Harrys draw and took out a pistol and walked too the other gang leaders house and knocked on the door when the leader opened the door, he shot him, he then ran back too Harrys house and sat with him until the police turned up, he tried desperately too convince them it wasn’t him, but he had shot two people, all the evidence led too him and he gave up hope. During the court case, just as Leear thought he would instantly go into jail he thought of an idea and turned too his attorney and asked about spending 10 years in a suicide squad, his Attorney asked, The Judge asked why and Leear said about being 19 and strong and fit and he would be better use in an army squad than in prison, the judge thought about it and decided it was a good idea and after some discussion, just after his 19th birthday, Leear joined the army, knowing he would probably die, which he wasn’t scared of.

RP Sample:
Leear walked too Harrys house and heard a pistol shot and started running there, the door was wide open and a member of a rival gang ran out carrying a pistol, Leear looked at the gang member, then at the door and run into the house and saw Harry lying on the floor screaming in agony and knelt down beside him,
"Don’t die Harry please don’t die" Leear started crying and kissed him on the head Harry looked up at him with a cheeky smile and said with a giggle "Shut up you f*g**t" Leear looked at him and smiled "Your so annoying" And kissed him "Hang in there" "I’ve probably only got a couple of minutes Leear" He said with a croak in his voice Leear looked at him and cried, Harry looked back up crying, they both looked at each other and said at the same time
"I love you" and kissed, just as Harry died. Then after 15 minutes of Leear sitting there with Harry crying, the police burst in.

[Dire Wolf]

Switch his weight to Imperial/American, please.

stats:

A "9" in strength means that there are few sentients in the galaxy stronger than him (including wookiees, trandoshans, etc), so take his strength down to a "6", which is above average for a human and still pretty strong for a 19 year old. I also did not see anything in the bio to warrant a "9" in unarmed or an "8" in ranged, I would also be hesitant to allow a 19 year old stats that high.

Take the ranged down to a "6" and the unarmed down to a "7" both stats are still very good and still allow your character room for improvement.


bio:

Please fix the enter button errors on that are throughout the bio/rp sample and take the dialogue out of the bio, this is supposed to be something more like a biography.

[leearcoston]

Done edited yay

[Dire Wolf]

The story seems fine, but the sentence structure gets in the way.

It is spelled "Tatooine" xP

I suggest that you re-read your bio again, and/or run it through a word processor like Microsoft Word or Open Office. There are many run-on sentences and sentence fractures, and if you read the bio/rp sample to yourself aloud you should be able to catch them.

One thing that I did notice, though, is that you tend to fit every form of "to" into "too"

Example:
To - We are going to the store.
Too - I want to go too.
Two - Can we have two of those?

Okay do ^ and I should be able to give it my seel of approverization.

[leearcoston]

Done Hopefully its good

[Dire Wolf]

You fixed it? You still haven't changed the spelling for Tatooine, nor have you fixed the "to" form errors or the run-on sentences... like I told you to do.

Edit: I see that you did fix some of the run-on sentences, but not all of them

[Dire Wolf]

User has not been active for well over a month, moving to inactive incomplete.

If you wish to have this profile brought back to pending please send me a pm with the url to this app and I will move it as soon as possible.