Fowsk Piaus

[starwarsgirl008]

***I am not a mod., so you really don't have to listen to my review...

I am going to jump right into it...

Bio.:

First off, (I don't mean to sound mean) there seems to be a slight lack of detail. You put gaps between ages and because of it some parts seem a little random. Something had to happen during those times.

1. Some mods. are more strict on this than others, but there is suppose to be a no unknowns rule. That means you should explain who your character's parents are, and then tell us why he never knew them.

2. I don't find it likely that a young boy would be able to stop a ship through the Force without training.

3. Again, I find it a little random a smuggler would allow a boy to come on his ship. Perhaps he has to do something in return?

4. How does he find the archives?

5. How does he meet a Padawan?

5. How does he get to Korriban?

6. How does he train in a form he never saw before without a Master?

Stats.:

First off, I believe there is a rule that no saber stat. can be higher than that in Shii-Cho. Also, you have a lot of stats. Most Force Users master Shii-Cho and then pick one or two other forms that suit them well to learn. For your age, a very, very good raking would be a five in Shii-Cho and two 3’s in two other forms.

You also have lot of high stats. I don’t see that much stat. training in the bio. Understand that a 5 is average, and a 7 is very good. An 8 is amazing, and a 9 and 10 are so good that you need a lot of detail in the bio. to support them.

I don’t see how you can learn leadership from a holocron. Perhaps elaborate in the bio.?

Also, if you were not raised by the Echani, how come you explain you have special training in their arts?

Off to a good start, but still needs some finishing touches.

[sparrow]

Before posting an app, it is always good to skim through the following:

The Rules
List of Unallowed Stuff
Character Creation Tips

You will have to change your app to adhere to the following rules:
1) No mention of canon characters. That means no Revan holocrons, no Tombs of Exar Kun, etc... The purpose of this rule is so that not every other character is somehow Revan's secret apprentice, Canderous Ordo's long-lost great grandson,... you get the idea.
2) No black lightsabers

I'll refrain on commenting too much on stats right now except to say that you really should take the time and look at the stats of a few of the accepted Dark Jedi bios. This way you can get a good idea of the range of stats generally accepted for a character of your age.

Wookieepedia says that it takes about ten years to fully master the Niman lightsaber form, so I generally use 10 years per mastered form as a rough guide when determining saber stats.

Starwarsgirl did a good job covering your bio, so try to add more details to the parts that she mentions. Remember, generally the more details in your bio, the better off you'll be.

Also I'd like to point out that simply being Echani does not grant instant speed and martial arts prowess. You still need to go into how the character trains in these skills. These are definitely things you will want to cover as even though your character race is Echani, he wasn't raised or trained as one, so where did he learn his awesome martial arts.

[Trace]

Will do thank you. I didn't have much time to put more detail in my bio but i will be able to today more. Thank you though.

[Trace]

Okay everything has been changed to fit hopefully. Thank you for the feedback.

[Jenno]

Faction = Dark Jedi

The Sith nor their teachings have been around for hundreds of years.

Rank:

we need to know what level you are aiming for with this character, at 22 he could be at the Knight level but only just. Also, if you go for the Knight rank then it would be best to choose one of the sub-ranks so we know which direction the character is heading towards in terms of training.

Prophet = Dark Jedi who focuses on Force abilities
Marauder = Dark Jedi who focuses on lightsaber skills
Assassin = Dark Jedi who studies both aspects equally but doesn't stand out in one or the other because of this.

This just helps us to see if we think the stats you've gone for are realistic and fair.

~Jenno

[Trace]

Fixed please check

[sparrow]

Is he Human or is he Echani? Your bio is contradictory on this point. Also, Echani genes don't give superspeed. The main differences between humans and echani are 1) Echani all have light skin, silver hair and eyes, 2) Echani children are near-identical in appearance to their parent of the same gender, and 3) Echani generally have slightly faster reflexes. Most of the badassness that Echani possess come with their intense training and culture.

Also, there are rules regarding Juyo. Read them in the application tips section.

You have yet to explain how he just walks into the Jedi Archives and starts looking at the holocrons. I don't think the Jedi would allow someone unaffiliated with the Order, especially a Force-sensitive with dark intentions, to just come in and browse.

[Trace]

modified

[Mara]

Also, your profile pic is rather vague as to his physical description. Perhaps you could also write out a couple sentences describing him?

[Trace]

Modified, once again

[Trace]

Please check

[sparrow]

A few quotes from other threads that apply to your character

Concerning saber forms (from the Dark Jedi for Dummies thread by Jace):

You absolutely cannot Master Juyo unless you have mastered three other forms.

Concerning Force Powers:

May 6, 2009 11:25:07 GMT -5 Jenno said:

For a brand new Knight an 8 is rather high. We usually look at the rank of Knight as the stage where 7s enter into acceptance.

Just a little chip in.

~Jenno

At age 22, your character falls in the new Knight category. This means unless you do an exemplary job justifying an 8, seven is your upper limit for Force Powers, and you probably shouldn't have more than two of them.

Also, you have not answered my questions concerning the Jedi Archives.

[Trace]

Modified. Recheck

[Val - Warning:Contains Sarcasm]

What were the Wookies like when he was bringing brought up? Did they accept him or was he always feeling different?
It seems kind of unlikely that he'd find a holocron, not to mention know how to use one. Maybe explain here how he communicated with it. Lucky?
Also you start talking about a fight scene and then cut out of it and go straight to him being 12. What happened?
Would the Jedi have just let him inside the archives? A non-Jedi Force user that just turns up out of the blue would surely cause questioning.
Yeah Juyo would probably not get past the mods. It's a very powerful form that would probably be too hard to learn alone.
Why is his healing 2? Why is his destruction 7? Not a lot of detail needed, but just explain why he can do these things maybe.

[Trace]

Juyo is only at 1 for that reason and wont get any higher unless he gets a master. Destruction is a 7 because he has spent years in isolation learning and strengthening his Force powers. As far as the holocron goes I mentioned that he was at the Archives and that he had helped from the Chief Librarian who liked him.

[Trace]

Modified re check please

[sparrow]

To quote Meira, head of Jedi character apps:

Now a special note about Juyo: This form is exceptionally difficult, AND rare. Because of the specifics about this form, I have personally made a few decisions about accepting it's practice in a character's profile.

As it requires a deep understanding of the forms that come before it. I will not grant training in this form before the rank fo Master. Also, a character must have mastered at least 3 previous forms (Shii-Cho being one). This may seem like steep restrictions, but if you read up on this style and are realistic about it, I'm sure you can understand.

So no Juyo. Not even a 1. Choose something else.

Also, the Jedi Archives are inside the Jedi Temple. They're not going to just let you walk in, especially since the Jedi Masters in the Temple are going to sense the dark vibes coming off of you. The Librarian liking you won't work, because you won't even get past security to even see the librarian.