Mavrick Shilo WIP

[Mavrick]

Name: Mavrick Shilo
Race: Human
Age: 18
Height: 5' 9
Weight: 175
Appearance: Mavricks hair is a darker blonde that is mid length sticking out in every direction. He has a single brad that hangs over the right side most of the time.

Mavrick wears the traditional padawan robe. His throw over is a darker toned black and read mixed where his under shirt extends down to his wrist. It matches the color of the throw over above it.
Black pants are tucked down into his back boots.

Birth place: Coruscant
Faction: Jedi
Rank: Padawan

Bio:

The foundation of Mavrick

Mavrick was born on the planet Coruscant where his mother died shortly after his birth. His life was very pleasant at this age. He never really had any problems with in his life as he was treated rather well by his father, some go as far as to say that he was spoiled, but the time with his father was short as he was taken by a disease that claimed his life from Mavrick at the age of three.

It was then that Mavrick was found by a Jedi on a mission. The Jedi took Mavrick to the council and they told him that they was going to find a home for him and that he could stay there. But the Jedi insisted that he be given a chance to see what the child had. He knew that he could feel the force with in the child and he wanted to see if Mavrick was able to become something.

Sure enough Mavrick shown promise just like the founder jedi had foreseen in him. He was placed into training at the temple in order to hone them skill about around three years old and nine months.

It was never anything major, it was more about meditation and focusing on the force, as well as some light saber drills from day to day. At the age of five Mavrick was all for his light saber drills as he was always practicing on them more than he tended to do on the meditation of the force.

Proving to the Jedi council that Mavrick had promise they allowed him some time to see what they could manged to get from him, and to see if he could develop them into something his skills that is.

Age 8

For years Mavrick was devoted to his training, and the Jedi that had found him was always hovering over top of him when he came in for his visits "Mavrick you must understand why I make you train so hard, I don't want the council to think that your just some child. Some normal child with no future.....I can tell the force is strong with in you....and together we will tap into it!"

It was upon these words that Mavrick knew that he was going to give his training everything that he had. He was going to go all out to prove to the council, but more importantly he was going to make his founder proud of him.

Age 12

Mavrick was about the age of twelve when his founder Jedi approached him about becoming a Padawan and he would truly be able to call him his master. Mavrick was more than excited and more than ready for this role in his life, and the council approved of the duo.

After getting accepted by his master he was taken to the temple to be taught how to construct his own lightsaber. It was here they they spent most of their first week as Mavrick was making error after error. At the end of that week Mavrick proved victorious as he had finally created his own blue lightsaber.

After making it past the basic's and getting a good grasp on it Mavrick then began training under his masters light saber Form II Makashi. The form was more about protecting one's self from strikes of all kind.

Age 14

After training some time under Form II from his master Mavrick found that he liked the looks of Jar-kai and he wanted to try to use this style and add it into his array of training. His master wasn't fully supportive of it but went along with it.

He told Mavrick about the fact that he would have to us it's main form Niman as well as it's supportive form Ataru. Jumping into the studies of Niman, it took Mavrick some time to get use to this style.

It would prove to be even harder to comprehend the use of this style as it was also training daily under it's supportive art Ataru.

Age 15

After finely getting the some of the basic's down on the to parent arts and returning back to the temple in order to create a second lightsaber, Mavrick began to start training in the arts of Jar-Kai finely.

Mavrick proved to enjoy this style much more than his master and even he thought that he would. His training under the combat of lightsabers became even more fierce as he was now training under three forms, as he placed the arts of Ataru and Niman on hold.

The forms that he was now training under was Form I - Shii-Cho the basic that all jedi's must endure though, and then the Sub Form of Jar-kai. This form was more about duel wielding where the user used one saber as defense as the other one was used as offense, But it wasn't always like this with Mavrick as he liked to change it up and use both sabers for defense or for offense.

Age 16

Mavrick was a naturally strong boy as he was growing up, nothing massive in his strength just more above the average level for the kids around his age, but with his above average strength he tended to be more about brute force rather than thinking and planing, so it was safe to say that he really wasn't one of the smarter kids in his group.

Mavrick was also very fast for his age, very much faster than the children around his age. This was not be because of the genes that flowed though his body but rather because he was always constantly training on his light saber skills and training on the swiftness of his movement that why he would be able to react to what ever position he was in making the use of his Form II and his Sub Form that much greater.

Mavrick never really had any ability to lead anyone, Not like one of them great leaders did, Not even like a normal leader. He was always sheltered and caught up in his training that he never really developed people skills. Only way he was ever really able to get anyone to listen to him was though brute force as people tended to be afraid of his stronger feats.

Age 17

Around seventeen Mavrick and his mentor was sent out on a mission. It was the fourth mission of his and he was still very green to the fact of real combat, but this mission was different. It was a mission to take food to one of the less fortunate planets known as Balosar. This mission was one that wasn't suppose to have any real combat involved, but to their surprise they was attacked, ambushed I might add.

The people of Balosar resorted to crime for the food rather than just taking it when given.

His mentor took a blade though his stomach as he was caught off guard The attack was due to the fact that he didn't react quickly enough. Mavrick manged to reach his sabers in time to defend himself and quickly kill the one that was attacking them.

The wound on his mentor was far to bad. His life was fading fast.
"Don't Abandon the force, It was a great joy training you....I loved every moment of it....Grow up to be strong....!"
This was the dieing words of his mentor. "Master.....I will make them all pay for this....for what they have done to you.....and what they have caused me....!!!"
Only a single tear ran down the face of Mavrick's as he rose to his feet.

The council talked to Mavrick about this event in his life and told him that he needed to increase his training and start meditating over the force, the death of his master and the life of his master and how it effected his master as well as himself in all of this.

Age 18

Over the course of the year off Mavrick began to train in the art of Form VII - Juyo the more aggressive style of Light saber combat. He felt that this style was more suiting to him as he wanted to become more fierce in battle. He didn't know it but his rage was getting the better of him, it was controlling him at times.

He also took some time to work on the art of healing that the force had to offer, this was because he watched his master die right before him. He didn't want that to happen to him...He wanted to be able to heal himself if he needed. His anger and emotions tended to cloud his head at times making it far to difficult to grow in this area of the force.

It was during this time that Mavrick's personality took a turn for the worse. He became much more darker in his words and thoughts and less social. He tended to care only for himself as that's all he was ever really left to care about in his life. Would the council know about this new change in his life style, well it would all just have to play out and see. He used his rage in a new type of training as he was always sparing and hitting training with his fist now, making him better at his hand to hand combat.

Mavrick has been told that it is time for him to come back into the council as they are looking for a new master for him. He now awaits for his new adventure to begin.

Lightsaber: One Curved Hilt, One Normal Hilt
Color: Blue, Green

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Form I - Shii-Cho - 4
Form II - Makashi -
Form III - Soresu -
Form IV - Ataru - 2
Form V - Shien / Djem So -
>>Sub-form Backhanded -
Form VI - Niman - 1
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield - 1
Form VII - Juyo -
Double Bladed Combat -

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: - 5
Telepathic: - 2
Body: - 4
Sense: - 4
Protection: - 3
Healing: - 1
Destruction: - 0

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: - 6
Intelligence: - 4
Speed: - 6
Leadership: - 2

Unarmed: - 3
Melee Weapons: - 1
Ranged Weapons:- 1

Force Attunement: + 1

RP Sample:

With dust scrambling past Mavrick on all sides of his head his eye's remained fully closed. His heart raced like thousand humming birds wings moving in different directions at once, never once taking the same path. His heart wouldn't give him a single moment of relief, it was like his own personal villain.

"Hesitate no longer young padawan, This is your first mission. No need to be frightened." After hearing the words of his master his heart seemed to calm down a bit. Upon opening his eye's all of his thought raced. What will I do? If we are attack? If I am lost? If I drop my light saber!? After taking a deep breath his heart manged to slow down even more, It was almost back to it's normal way.

He could hear the thruster shut down as the carrier ship was hovering just above the platform. A man exited from the cock pit and waved his hand to all of the soldiers that was around Mavrick and his master. The man then loudly yelled out to everyone so that he could be heard over the thrusters. His voice sounded much like a Frenchman. "If your on this flight get aboard. We are heading out!"

"Come young one! We must not be left behind or you will surely fail your mission" His master smiled out to him as he grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him tightly to him. Mavrick was ashamed to admit it but he loved being their in the arm of his masters as for once in his life he really felt like he truly mattered to some one. "Right master....I must not do that....I gotta make you proud!" As he finished saying this he quickly jumped up onto the carrier and took his seat as he waited for lift off.


For later use....only a not for now....Nothing to do with Mavrick

the-trukstop.com/articles/2007/images/10_more_star_wars_images/femalemandalorian.jpg


images.wikia.com/starwars/images/7/76/Rohlanfull.jpg

[sparrow]

A few quick comments...

The Jedi order in this plotline is very rules-oriented and orthodox . For example, unless your species is endangered, then as a Jedi you wouldn't be allowed to marry and have kids. If you did, then you'd have to turn in your lightsaber and not be a Jedi anymore.

Also, since attachment is discouraged, Mavrick wouldn't be allowed to hang out with his dad, much less be trained by him.

His rank will have to padawan, since the minimum age for knights on this site is twenty-two.

Could you eliminate the "1 - 10" from the stats area? Kinda makes it harder to read.

[Mavrick]

Jul 7, 2009 4:20:02 GMT -5 sparrow said:

A few quick comments...

The Jedi order in this plotline is very rules-oriented and orthodox . For example, unless your species is endangered, then as a Jedi you wouldn't be allowed to marry and have kids. If you did, then you'd have to turn in your lightsaber and not be a Jedi anymore.

Also, since attachment is discouraged, Mavrick wouldn't be allowed to hang out with his dad, much less be trained by him.

His rank will have to padawan, since the minimum age for knights on this site is twenty-two.

Could you eliminate the "1 - 10" from the stats area? Kinda makes it harder to read.

Ok fixed the story, I knew the padawan thing....I just forgot to change that in my bio, Don't want you all thinking I am a noob...had to clear that up. lines taken out.

[Meira]

Unfortunately, there is a major lack of detail in this bio. Without detail, it is impossible for me to determine if the stats you have presented for this character are appropriate. I know little, to nothing, about this character's personality, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Note that you pretty much skip 5 years of his life as a padawan. This time of training is crucial in character development, as it is a time of growth and learning. It is through the experiences of the character during this time that we get a glimpse at the possible future paths they might take.

I would suggest reading accepted bios of characters of similar age, or even looking at the amount of detail put into this time of older accepted character's lives to get a better understanding of what is expected.

If you feel that you are not up to, or don't care to add the necessary detail, the option of shooting for a lower age is always available.

[Mavrick]

Jul 7, 2009 10:44:05 GMT -5 Meira said:

Unfortunately, there is a major lack of detail in this bio. Without detail, it is impossible for me to determine if the stats you have presented for this character are appropriate. I know little, to nothing, about this character's personality, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Note that you pretty much skip 5 years of his life as a padawan. This time of training is crucial in character development, as it is a time of growth and learning. It is through the experiences of the character during this time that we get a glimpse at the possible future paths they might take.

I would suggest reading accepted bios of characters of similar age, or even looking at the amount of detail put into this time of older accepted character's lives to get a better understanding of what is expected.

If you feel that you are not up to, or don't care to add the necessary detail, the option of shooting for a lower age is always available.

Ok....I see what you mean. I have taken the time to update my profile in attempts to make everything blend together more better.
Thoughts please?
^_^

[Val - Warning:Contains Sarcasm]

Hey, I'm Next Gen. You don't have to listen to anything I say, but my comments are here from my observations of what you could change.

Appearance - need some written description at least, maybe a picture as well if you can find one.

Bio -

You seem to glaze over 2 years of his life. Maybe just say whether his father was good, whether his home was safe, whether he had any problems. Also the Jedi probably wouldn't bring him before the council unless he had some sort of Force sensitivity or I guess at a long shot if he had a really appalling situation of life which would demand intervention. So either dreary up his life or have the Jedi realise Mavrick has potential.

Just to emphasise he'd be able to practice a lot with the saber, but the Jedi would impart knowledge and Force training onto him regardless of whether he was the next saber legend or not. It's very important for a growing Jedi.

I doubt he'd be able to start learning Makashi until he was fully versed in Shii Cho, as Shii Cho is pretty much the foundation of saber training, and it's unlikely he completed it by the time he was 8. I need to verify with an admin or mod though, as to whether other forms can be learnt alongside Shii Cho.

It would also be highly unlikely that he would receive a lot of tuition from a master at this stage, as he would be just a Youngling. As a Force sensitive (since he's getting Jedi training) he'd be with other Younglings working with the Jedi tutors and archives. His master would approach him after he turns 11 for Padawanship.

When his master dies he seems to show some sort of dark side qualities. Anger, fear, revenge, and such, but there's no elaboration. Does he fall slightly here? Does he vow to hunt them down? Does the council notice this at all?

Stats

I doubt he'd have a 6 in healing too, as it would take a long while before he'd achieve such a high healing quality.

Maybe knock down leadership a little. He sounds more antisocial.

Maybe mention unarmed a little in the bio to just clarify that all his work wasn't with sabers, and that he can handle himself in a fistfight.

Need an RP sample before it can be accepted.

[Meira]

The picture needs to go in the appropriate place (i.e. under appearance)

What's his last name?

*foundation*

Your first paragraph is confusing. You say his father dies, but then after that, you talk about his father nearly spoiling him.

The second paragraph is also confusing, mostly due to spelling and grammatical errors. Using a word processor (like Microsoft Word) can help you identify and fix these mistakes so that your writing is much more clear.

A youngling probably wouldn't even begin any sort of real training until around 5. So doing lightsaber drills at this age is not likely. The most they would be learning at this point is how to handle a lightsaber without cutting one's arm off.

The last sentence in this section is again very confusing.

*Age 8*

At this time, Maverick would not have his own master. He would still be studying at the temple under a number of different Jedi Masters there.

Also, only training in Shii-Cho is allowed before becoming a padawan.

*age 12*

In order to learn Jar-Kai, you must also train in Niman. This is because Jar-Kai is the subform of Niman. I would suggest that instead of learning Makashi, Maverick studies Shii-Cho, Niman, and Jar-Kai.

*age 15*

You say he isn't massive, but then you say "his massive strength" Be careful of contradictions like these.

*age 17*

Is this the first mission he's ever been on? What was the mission for? What was their goal? Why were they ambushed? Who ambushed them?

As a Padawan, Maverick really doesn't have any say in what he can or cannot do. He doesn't have the freedom of a Knight. If his master dies, he waits for a new one, or whatever the council decides. He can't tell them he doesn't want to be bothered.

*lightsaber stats*

How/when did he get his lightsabers and the crystals. Purple lightsaber crystals are pretty rare and need to be explained in the bio.

I also think you need to reconsider the lightsaber forms you've chosen for this character. He ranges from brute strength, delicate and precise, and then a blend of everything that uses two sabers. This is too much. Jedi usually learn one, maybe two forms other than Shii-Cho. They pick the one or two that suit them most. So I ask, what's more important: having two lightsabers, or using a stronger form? The precise and intricate style, or more brute force?

*force stats*

Again, this is still hard to judge, as I don't know much about Maverick as a person. You started hitting on what I'm looking for there at the end when you mention how he seems to be sinking to the dark side because of the events in his life. Where did he learn destruction by the way? Younglings don't learn it... so he must have learned something as a padawan?

*attributes*

Lower speed to a 6. Why is he so good with Melee weapons? Remember that melee is different than lightsabers. They have separate categories for a reason. I see no evidence why Maverick should have this stat.

*RP*
This is pretty good, though I will note that I'm pretty sure there are no Frenchmen in the Star Wars galaxy

[Mavrick]

Jul 8, 2009 10:02:04 GMT -5 Meira said:

The picture needs to go in the appropriate place (i.e. under appearance)

What's his last name?

*foundation*

Your first paragraph is confusing. You say his father dies, but then after that, you talk about his father nearly spoiling him.

The second paragraph is also confusing, mostly due to spelling and grammatical errors. Using a word processor (like Microsoft Word) can help you identify and fix these mistakes so that your writing is much more clear.

A youngling probably wouldn't even begin any sort of real training until around 5. So doing lightsaber drills at this age is not likely. The most they would be learning at this point is how to handle a lightsaber without cutting one's arm off.

The last sentence in this section is again very confusing.

*Age 8*

At this time, Maverick would not have his own master. He would still be studying at the temple under a number of different Jedi Masters there.

Also, only training in Shii-Cho is allowed before becoming a padawan.

*age 12*

In order to learn Jar-Kai, you must also train in Niman. This is because Jar-Kai is the subform of Niman. I would suggest that instead of learning Makashi, Maverick studies Shii-Cho, Niman, and Jar-Kai.

*age 15*

You say he isn't massive, but then you say "his massive strength" Be careful of contradictions like these.

*age 17*

Is this the first mission he's ever been on? What was the mission for? What was their goal? Why were they ambushed? Who ambushed them?

As a Padawan, Maverick really doesn't have any say in what he can or cannot do. He doesn't have the freedom of a Knight. If his master dies, he waits for a new one, or whatever the council decides. He can't tell them he doesn't want to be bothered.

*lightsaber stats*

How/when did he get his lightsabers and the crystals. Purple lightsaber crystals are pretty rare and need to be explained in the bio.

I also think you need to reconsider the lightsaber forms you've chosen for this character. He ranges from brute strength, delicate and precise, and then a blend of everything that uses two sabers. This is too much. Jedi usually learn one, maybe two forms other than Shii-Cho. They pick the one or two that suit them most. So I ask, what's more important: having two lightsabers, or using a stronger form? The precise and intricate style, or more brute force?

*force stats*

Again, this is still hard to judge, as I don't know much about Maverick as a person. You started hitting on what I'm looking for there at the end when you mention how he seems to be sinking to the dark side because of the events in his life. Where did he learn destruction by the way? Younglings don't learn it... so he must have learned something as a padawan?

*attributes*

Lower speed to a 6. Why is he so good with Melee weapons? Remember that melee is different than lightsabers. They have separate categories for a reason. I see no evidence why Maverick should have this stat.

*RP*
This is pretty good, though I will note that I'm pretty sure there are no Frenchmen in the Star Wars galaxy

I would like to keep the picture their if it isn't a bother, I just don't like it right in the middle of my profile breaking it apart.

I have fixed the story errors, or so I hope.

Changed the light sabers colors to Blue and Green, Academy basics.

As for the Styles I would rather keep them as they are...I made up for it in my characters story telling why he has each of them. One because he is forced to learn it, one because it's respect to his master, One due to his one liking and the last because he is fading and anger is taking him over from the inside and this is just his way of taking it by swinging his saber hard.

Fixed the Destruction one, as well lowered my speed v_v and lowered my melee, your right! I didn't know that it was different from Light sabers.

Hey....They are thousands of races in SW their might be a French guy in there some where.....Anyways...I was saying that is voice sounds like a french guy's not that he was.

*Crosses fingers and hopes to be accepted*

P.S.

Sorry that I am being a noob, This is just a good STRICT site, And I haven't ever really been a part of one and I am getting use to it.
Plus my SW knowledge isn't that high....

[projectsunfire]

Care to look Mavrick over?

Well Mavrick, I have to say a few things before I get down to brass tacks. I will give you a word of warning. I didn’t become an admin by being soft on the player base. I earned a lot of Ire and respect when I was still modding people’s profiles a year ago. Then I took a rather long break due to RL issues. Namely pursuit of career related skills. I got here by giving constructive criticism, and making solid canon references. So If you see me say something that may seem harsh, or critical, understand I have several things in mind:

1. I want your RP to be enjoyable, and creative.
2. I want your character to be able to RP with other members characters without rubbing them the wrong way or dominating the RP.
3. I want your character to be rock solid, no chinks, no loose threads, and no unresolved issues that don’t make sense. Structurally, and canonically.

Now, for the mods who have commented on this profile prior to me. Thank you Meira, sparrow, and Valadin for your insight, and by no means am I commandeering or planning on going over anyone’s head by providing Mavrick with my opinion on specific issues. I will try to include your hard work, and suggestions. Though I have the problem of coming here and seeing this late in its creative process, since I can’t see it’s original form. Some things may escape me. I ask from you all in that instance, your forgiveness…

My general opinions about Jedi Characters. Weather they are new or old, they should have 1 thing on their minds. Understanding the force. Marshal application of the force, is a byproduct of their training. The Jedi are a monastic order, though not cloistered. They spend their lives meditating on the force, and bettering themselves and others through its use. A Jedi is allowed to feel emotions, though they are taught to control themselves, and these emotions. Some Jedi suggest blatant suppression but wiser Jedi suggest understanding their feelings, by meditating on them, and the why of them. The force explains everything; it is the fatalistic entity that is everywhere and everything.

>>>>>

1. Suggestion: Change the name in the title to your characters full name. “Mavrick Shilo” . Two reasons for this… A)It will make it easier to recognize and search for the character. B) I won’t have Sarah Palin saying the word Maverick in my head all day when I see your character title. “Maverick… Yah He’s a Mahveerrick…” GAH! Personal reasons I know, apologies...

2. Comment: Nice Pic Selection. If your ever in need of a new one I highly suggest Deviant Art. They seem to consistently have the best.

3. Comment: Good choices on your beginning stats of age, -rank. It places you within jumping distance of knighthood.

4. Suggestion: As a padawan, your not required to go into massive amounts of detail, but I know I would like to see a bit more depth in the foundation paragraphs. A Jedi on a mission is kind of vague. I would also like to see you go through and check grammar and spelling. Foreseen is a single word for example.

5. Suggestion: Your master seems creepy. Not sure what it is that makes me think that, he just seems sort of praying mantis. Also, change his text color to something more easily read please. Something lighter so it doesn’t blend in with the background so much.

6. Error: Makashi form is a lightsaber to lightsaber dueling form. Not truly meant for multiple opponents. starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Makashi It can be utilized against multiple opponents, but be wary of such uses, as Makashi relies on a single line, of movement. Side stepping is not something often employed.

7. Suggestion: Save that last link. Wookieepedia.com will become your best friend.

8. Suggestion: Do a little more research on the Jedi and the forms.

9. Opinion: It is my opinion that it takes years to learn just 1 form
of Lightsaber Combat. The 1st form is a more or less given thing as it’s taught to younglings. Makashi would likely take more than 2 years to learn it well enough to utilize it effectively.

10. Blatant Denial of desired ability: Jar Kai uses both forms Niman, and Ataru. starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jar%27kai learning to use this ability would require skilled use of both its parent skills.

11. Suggestion: Making a character naturally stronger and faster is all well and good. However consider a character that has no weaknesses. What do they have to struggle against?

12. Opinion: It is my opinion that a Jedi that uses brute force to make people listen to him, Especially one training at the temple, would be constantly reprimanded, perhaps even sent to work with some of the many branches meant to help students of the force learn to control themselves. Like the Agricorp.

13. Opinion/suggestion: In the age 15 paragraphs. Paragraph 3 is difficult to understand. If your interested in improving its readability, please rewrite it.

14. Opinion/suggestion: In the age 17 paragraphs. Your first paragraph shares similar issues with its predecessor. It could stand work. Look at grammar and spelling.

15. Suggestion: Research Balosar-http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Balosar_%28planet%29

16. Suggestion: Look over all of the age 17 paragraphs and clean up the grammar, and spelling.

17. Opinion: The Jedi council would not suggest a child of the force take a break, especially after the death of a master. They would instead, insist he continue his training. They would also suggest that, when he meditated, he should meditate on the force, death, life and how it related to his master.

18. Opinion/suggestion: In the age 18 paragraphs, there are many grammar, and spelling mistakes.

19. Opinion: It is my opinion that one conflicted in their understanding of the force, will have a difficult time controlling it, and their abilities. There are many canonical references for this. Luke Skywalker himself was emotionally conflicted in his training with Yoda, making his abilities difficult to control. So the likely hood of Mavrick learning new abilities at this stage are slim. Also, the Jedi would sense the darkness that would be growing in him.

20. Error: Research Jedi starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jedi , and Jedi Council starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jedi_Council

21. Opinion: Your practiced lightsaber forms, and force abilities look fine. As well as your attributes.

22. Opinion: Force Attunement would not be at a +3 with so much conflict within the boy.

23. Opinion/suggestion: Follow the other Mods instructions to a T. Don’t miss anything, or skip anything. They have your best interests in mind. ;D

That is the extent of my opinions, suggestions, and other sundry issues. I hope this is what you wanted. I would never assume you had hoped for me to pass the character over one of the other mods, especially when their accurate suggestions, and opinions, preceding mine seemed right on the money to me. It is my greatest hope that you complete this profile soon, so that you may Join us soon.

Take care out there.

-PSF

[Mavrick]

1. Done

2. Thank you, that's where this one came from...got a much better one for when his character development starts.

3. It's about time that I have done something right ^_^

4. Hope all was fixed. From a hick town....Words are not a strong suit. v_v

5. LOL, Not sure why. Fixed it all.

6. starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Makashi
I was referring to paragraph two of weakness.

7. Got it and it has

8. Constantly on it

9. From Age 12 ~ 14 He was under this training making it two years exactly

10. Dropped a point in Back hand it is now 1 and added a point in Ataru as well as story reason for it. They are all just one's as he only knows the basics of it.

11. He is weaker in the force, So his constant training on his speed and light saber skills can easily give him a great struggle when fighting a user of the force.

12. It was more like a high school bully. More of a type where they kinda just listened because they Rather not to mess with his strength. Kinda like an intimidation. It wasn't nothing major.

13.Well...moved some things around and lost it....so sorry about not fixing this one...OoO

14. Not seeing it....this is about a completely new thing....All though I may not be understanding that fully

15. The key parts that I hit on I got correct. Didn't I? ?_?

16.Think I fixed it all....Bets are that I didn't....

17. Cleared it up some

18. Same as 16.

19. Understood and dropped Healing down to one

20. Not sure my error...but I read.....

21. WOOT! VICTORIY IS MINE!!.

22. Sweet! didn't think so...just didn't' wanna get yelled at.

23.Always do....or try to.

OH! It is very much what I wanted. I thank you so much for taking them time to step out and help me with my profile. No..didn't want you to pass me if I didn't earn it. Thank you once again.

[Meira]

Thank you PSF for that commentary. Glad to know Maverick could get some help. And I appologize Maverick for not being around. You've had the misfortune of catching me at a busy time. SO... let's get down to business.


I don't want to sound snippy, but when I told you to move the picture, it wasn't a request. The picture needs to be under appearance. And if you could, sizing it down would be great. I'm not exactly sure of the technical side of how to do that... but I'm sure someone around here can tell you how.

It was then that Mavrick was found by a Jedi on a mission. The Jedi took Mavrick to the council and they told him that they was going to find a home for him and that he could stay there. But the Jedi insisted that he be given a chance to see what the child had. He wanted to see if Mavrick was able to become something.

This paragraph is still confusing. Especially the second and third sentences. The second one sounds like the Council is accepting him for training, but the third one sounds like they're not and the Jedi that found him is insisting that they do.

He was placed into training at the temple in order to hone them skill about around four.

Why would they wait a year to take him into the Temple? This makes no sense. If he's accepted, they take him right away. He may not begin every aspect of training right away, but they wouldn't wait a year.

Proving to the Jedi council that Mavrick had promise they allowed him some time to see what they could manged to get from him, and to see if he could develop them into something his skills that is.

This sentence makes absolutely no sense.

Mavrick you must understand why I make you train so hard

Unless this Jedi is an instructor at the temple, he would have no control over Maverick's training as a youngling.

Once again, I have to make my argument against the use of so many forms. You made a comment about learning one style out of respect to his master. I don't really see the reason in this. All Jedi are different, and I just can't imagine why his master wouldn't try to find the style that best suits Maverick. The fact that, within 3-4 years, you say he's learned a good deal of 3 styles is just too much. Again I say that a Jedi usually learns one or two styles that suit him, not four.

You need to pick what is most important to the character and stick with it. Remember that he has time in the future to learn new things. What you have now would actually put him at a disadvantage. By knowing only just a little of a number of forms, he is weak in comparison to someone who knows a great deal more about only one form.

My suggestion: What I see the most for this character is the jar'kai, so he needs to focus more on Niman with a little bit of Ataru, then, in his later training years, he starts to incorporate actual jar'kai. It would also make more sense if he doesn't even build a second blade until a while later, once he actually starts jar'kai.

nothing massive in his strength

but with his massive strength

This contradiction still needs to be corrected.

I don't really know how a Jedi could simply be caught off guard... Go over this mission and reconsider what would be realistic. Maybe if you added more detail, it would make more sense to me.

Over the course of the year off Mavrick began to train in the art of Form VII - Juyo the more aggressive style of Light saber combat

This is not going to be allowed. I have very specific criteria for Juyo. It is in the thread you as supposed to read before applying. Here is the quote:

Now a special note about Juyo: This form is exceptionally difficult, AND rare. Because of the specifics about this form, I have personally made a few decisions about accepting it's practice in a character's profile.

As it requires a deep understanding of the forms that come before it. I will not grant training in this form before the rank fo Master. Also, a character must have mastered at least 3 previous forms (Shii-Cho being one). This may seem like steep restrictions, but if you read up on this style and are realistic about it, I'm sure you can understand.

This is not something that is open for debate. You will have to edit it out of your bio.

I still think some info about how he got/built his lightsabers could be added to the bio.


Stats:

Lightsaber stats: Because you are learning a number of forms, I suggest the following:

Shii-Cho: 3
Ataru: 1
Niman:2
>>>Subform Jar'Kai: 1


If you picked just one form, numbers could be higher. But at his age, I just can't see anything higher than that. I still really don't see the need for Makashi. It just doesn't seem to fit the character at all.


Force stats look fine

Take out defensive fighting from Specialized skills, that is not what this section is for.

Everything else is fine.

[Mavrick]

Ok....Didn't know that the picture mattered that much...will try and get that fixed

Appearance added in.

Second one is like they are saying that they will put him in a program to help him find a home
The third one is more like the Jedi is saying that he fells the force with in him and thinks that he should be checked out.

It was more like he was close to four like 3yrs and 9mths that's all

They wanted to see if the boy was actually going to develop in his skills.

It was more like he popped in for visits to check in on the boy, to see if he was actually training
Under stand on the Forms I will change.

Added in how he got his lightsaber.

Mavrick trained under the form of his masters but quickly found out that he didn't like this. Meaning he showed him about it and showed him how to us it but Mavrick didn't take to it.

Fixed the strength thing

Will take out Juyo

Stats on form changed

[Meira]

Jul 13, 2009 16:38:36 GMT -5 Mavrick said:

Ok....Didn't know that the picture mattered that much...will try and get that fixed

Appearance added in.

Second one is like they are saying that they will put him in a program to help him find a home
The third one is more like the Jedi is saying that he fells the force with in him and thinks that he should be checked out.

It was more like he was close to four like 3yrs and 9mths that's all

They wanted to see if the boy was actually going to develop in his skills.

It was more like he popped in for visits to check in on the boy, to see if he was actually training

When I pointed these things out, I didn't mean for you to explain them to me, I meant for you to go in and edit them in the bio. They should make sense in the bio without outside explanation. By making these changes, you will make your bio more understandable and easier to read.

[Mavrick]

Ok...Fixed...fixed...and fixed

Added in the age and everything....It done tells that he was just coming in for visits on there....

[Mavrick]

I switched Mavrick over to Gray Jedi

[Mara]

I noticed you made a new thread... that's not necessary. We can just move the thread over, if you wish.
Also, if you're switching him, you need to use the Grey Jedi app template instead.

[Mara]

Okay, moving and locking this, since the character switched factions.