Eaite Nayrus: Padawan

[Midnight]

Name: Eaite Nayrus
Race: Echani
Age: 14
Height: 5' 1''
Weight: 102lbs.
Appearance: Eaite, as an Echani has pale white skin. His hair, unlike many Echani, is dyed black in honor of his master. He keeps his hair short because it falls into his eyes when its long. His eyes are silver, and twinkle like stars in the night. He is well muscled and fairly strong, but stays lean and slim. He exercises every day to maintain his fit build. He usually wears black grey Padawan robes, that fit him well.
Birth place: Ryloth

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Padawan

Bio: Journey of the Parents

Eaite's father, an Echani by the name of Regulus Nayrus, was raised as a Jedi from the age of 3. He was chosen as an apprentice to Draco Lucian. As the years past Regulas and his master became well known. Prior to Regulas's Knighting Ceremony he met a Echani female Jedi by the name of Sky Kinto. The 2 instantly felt attracted and fell into a secret realtionship.

At the age of 32, Regulas and Sky were sent on a mission to investigate sightings of Dark Jedi in the Outer Rim. As pair had been tracking down the Dark Jedi for 2 years, their relationship got stronger till Sky had become pregnant with a child. Finally the journey brought the pair to Ryloth where Sky had begun to go into labor. The Dark Jedi sensed the birth of the Force Sensitive child, and attacked Regulas and Sky at their ship. 2 of the 4 Dark Jedi in total, fell to the blade of Regulas. The remaining Dark Jedi slew Regulas. Sky held onto her life as the Dark Jedi tortured her They went to take the child and slay Sky, but were foiled by the Jedi Watchman of the planet, who struck them down. In Sky's last words, she named her child, Eaite.

Youngling and beyond

Eaite grew up in the temple, from the time he was a small baby. There he spent 11 years, learning many things like, control of the Force, lightaber combat, and even to walk. At th age of 11 he was chosen to be a Padawan to a Echani Jedi, by the name of Nir Rarik. Nir Rarik was a Jedi Guardian master of Jar-kai and Niman. Nir dyed his white Echani hair black for the sole purpose of being different that regualal Echani. Eaite tought it was foolish to change for no reason at all. Nir taught Eaite Niman, Jar-Kai, and many forms of Echani combat. Eaite also constructed his own lightsaber on Ilum with his master.

Eaite began participating in his master's missions. On seamingly simple mission on Onderon in Iziz, the pair were to see that a merchant was sent to safety in his home. The 3 were ambushed by gang members and overpowered. Nir had saved Eaite's life by taking a fatal blast bolt. A gangsters went closer to Eaite, hoping to beat him at a duel. Eaite was also overpowered and his lightsaber was cut in half. He took his master's blade, the light red beam illuminating all around, and struck them down in cold blood. eaite fellt anguish and realized how much his master had meant to him. Eaite wavered to the Dark Side, unsure what he would do without a master. The Watchman of Onderon shipped Eaite back to the Jedi Temple on Curoscant, where he has stayed till a master would be arranged for him again.

Lightsaber: Single Phase Lightsaber (his master's blade)
Saber Color: Light red

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho: 3
Makashi: N/A
Soresu: 1
Ataru: N/A
Shien / Djem So: N/A
Niman: 1
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or duel Weild: 1
>>Sub-form Backhanded: N/A
Juyo / Vaapad : N/A
Double Bladed Combat: N/A

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices: Force Push, Force Pull, Force Speed, Sense, Force Leap


Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 1
Body: 4
Sense: 3
Protection: 1
Healing: 2
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills: N/A


Attributes:

Physical Strength: 5
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 7
Leadership: 4

Unarmed: 7 (Trained in Echani arts)
Melee Weapons: 6 (Trained in lightsaber and vibroblade arts)
Ranged Weapons: 1 (couldnt hit the broad side of a moisture evaporator)

Force Attunement: ##
+3 (drawn away from the light from his master's death)

Roleplay Sample: (takes place when Eaite's master dies)
Eaite and his master were a blur of motion as their lightsabers batted back the blaster bolts of their opponents.
"Run Eaite!" yelled Nir, his master. "I can take them."
Eaite turned on his heel, and dashed to the buildings behind him for cover. Before making it to cover, he heard a blaster shot and a scream. He turned, and there, on the ground behind him was Master Nir. He had taken the sot for Eait and died...
"No!" Eaite yelled in agony as he brought his master's blade to his hand, and charged the the enemy. They will pay...

[projectsunfire]

Change your rank to youngling, and get rid of your RP sample. change your age to 10

[Halmtier]

To PSF: He asked for more details about what is needed, so I obliged.

Anyways, The first thing I see that needs a lot of work is the Bio. While you have the outline of his life set out, there is little to no depth! Tell more about his growing up: How was his life until his mother died, and what was his reaction to her death? being young, I'm sure he didn't quite understand it. tell more detail about his life in the refugee sector- arriving there, his living arrangements, how he learnt some skills of his, how he got by day to day...

When he attempted to pick the Jedi's pocket, he must have a major change in his life- so why not tell it! What happened right after wards? Did the jedi grab his hand, or did he follow him back to his bed? How did he get to the area where the blood test was taken? What was his impression of the jedi, or the fact that he was to start training?

And Finally, the youngling years- How did he fit in? How did he take to training, and the sudden imposed rules? If he lived as a slummer before this, the life of a youngling would be quite the change.

I think once you flesh out the bio, and make the changes PSF suggested, your character will be fine.

[Midnight]

Ok updated.

[projectsunfire]

Now for the blood and guts.

All problems will be marked in Orange-

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

Name: Eaite Nayrus
Race: Human
Age: 12
Height: 55''
Weight: 96lbs.
Appearance: Eaite has fairly tanned skin and jet black hair. He keeps his hair short because it curls naturally. His eyes are a very dark brown which appear black from a distance. He is well muscled and fairly strong, but stays lean and slim. He excercises every day to maintain this fit build.He usually wears light brown Padawan robes, which are one size too small. He always wears a crystal around his neck, over top of the robes.
Birth place: Nar Shaddaa, Refugee Sector

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Youngling

Bio: Eaite was born to a 17 year old mom on Nar Shaddaa. Though unknown to him, his father was a gangster who had died in a gang war. He lived a normalish life: he went to school, and help his mother when needed. His mother danced for a living at a local cantina and made very good but blue it drinking and going partying. Eaite and his mother had a good relationship and had loved eachother very much. Upon returning from school about a month after turning 5 he discovered his mother was very sick. She died in the hospital 3 days later from Cockccial Meninimia. When she died he was devestated. He soon learned to get over it and took all the stuff he needed to live alone out of his mother's small 3 room apartment.

When he was 5... The impossibility is astounding. I don't remember much when I was 5, though one thing I do recall is a total dependence on my family, and other people to take care of me.

This needs to change before anything else does...

[Midnight]

Now?

[projectsunfire]

Problems will be marked in Orange =followed by a brief explanation in Yellow...

Name: Eaite Nayrus
Race: Human
Age: 12
Height: 55''
Weight: 96lbs.
Appearance: Eaite has fairly tanned skin and jet black hair. He keeps his hair short because it curls naturally. His eyes are a very dark brown which appear black from a distance. He is well muscled and fairly strong, but stays lean and slim. He exercises every day to maintain this fit build.He usually wears light brown Padawan robes, which are one size too small. He always wears a crystal around his neck, over top of the robes. Grammar
Birth place: Nar Shaddaa, Refugee Sector

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Youngling

Bio: Eaite was born to a 17 year old mom on Nar Shaddaa. Though unknown to him, his father was a gangster who had died in a gang war. He lived a normalish life: he went to school, and helped his mother when needed. His mother danced for a living at a local cantina and made very good money but blue it drinking and going partying. Eaite and his mother had a good relationship and had loved each other very much. Upon returning from school one day when he was 5 he discovered his mother was very sick. She died in the hospital 3 days later from a terminal disease. When she died he was devastated. He soon learned to get over it and took all the stuff he needed to live alone out of his mother's small 3 room apartment.
|P New Paragraph
He was left with nothing but a few hundred credits and a mysterious crystal connected to a necklace. He left the little apartment and moveTense into the Refugee Sector. Here he lived in a old shipping container which was quite large. Unecessary An old man helped day by day, teaching him to sneak around the area without being caught and steal money and food from other refugees. He soon grew cocky and wasn't always hidden. He was soon discovered and gangs of kids came after and beat him to a pulp to get the food back. grammar The old man nursed him back to help Spelling each time he was hurt. After so many attacks he quickly learned to defend himself effectively. Grammar

At the age of 6 he saw a man in large unecessary brown robes walking through the sector giving credits to the extremely poor. Eaite followed the man and observed him. He saw that the man walked with perfect balance was never tripped or fell. grammarEaite also saw that none of the gangs attacked him which surely they would have. Grammar
|P New Paragraph
Eaite quickly and quietly snuck up on the man when he thought his guard was down. Eaite put his hand into the man's pocket and withdrew a shiny metallic cylinder that had a few small buttons and knobs. As soon as Eaite had his hands on the object he fled and ran back to his small home. Discrepincy The man knew the boy was following him the whole time and even knew when the boy had stolen his lightsaber. The man followed the boy to his home and confronted him. The boy didn't move a muscle not willing to return the object to him. The man smiled and told the boy that he was a Jedi Knight. The boy's mouth dropped and he stared in wonder at the Jedi. As the boy's gaze fell on him he had his epiphany: he was to be a Jedi. The boy returned the lightsaber to the man. The man asked him question like "why do you live alone" and "what is it like all alone". The man soon gained Eaite's trust and ask the boy for a blood test. The boy agreed and followed the man to his ship to take the test. The test showed that Eaite had a high amount of Midi-chlorians, making him a good chance to become a Jedi. He then to the boy to the Jedi temple. Eaite began his training as a youngling and did not fit in because of his older age. He greatly befriended the combat trainer and became very skilled with the blade. He trained for 6 years as a youngling and now borders the age of 13. He is ready to become a Padawan and is going to return to Nar Shaddaa and save the old man that had helped. Discrepancy, grammar, moderators condition

Lightsaber: Training light Unecessary
Saber Color: Blue

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho: 2
Makashi: N/A
Soresu: N/A
Ataru: N/A
Shien / Djem So: N/A
Niman: N/A
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or duel Weild: N/A
>>Sub-form Backhanded: N/A
Juyo / Vaapad : N/A
Double Bladed Combat: N/A

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices: Force Push, Force Pull, Force Speed


Telekinetic: 1
Telepathic: 2
Body: 1
Sense: 1
Protection: 1
Healing: 1
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills: N/A


Attributes:

Physical Strength: 2
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 5
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 4
Melee Weapons: 6
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: ##
From +6

[Midnight]

Updated

[projectsunfire]

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

He always wears a crystal around his neck, over top of his robes.

Fix this sentence. Clue: "over top of his robes."

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

His mother danced for a living at a local cantina and made very good money but blew it at drinking and partying.

Fix this sentence. Clue: "blew it at drinking and partying."

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

Eaite and his mother had a good relationship and had loved each other very much.

"had loved" is an un-necessary use of wording. You achieve the same thing by just useing the word loved. If you feel the need to use a work between "and" & "Loved" they would be more appropriate.

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

Upon returning from school one day when he was 5 he discovered his mother was very sick.

Use commas.

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

He soon learned to get over it and took all the stuff he needed to live alone.

How would he know what that is? This is where the story line starts to fall apart. It also conflicts with what you write later.

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

An old man helped him day by day, teaching him to sneak around the area without being caught and steal money and food from other refugees.

who is the old man? Also this sentence needs some work done on it. It has the feeling of a run on.

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

He soon grew cocky and didn't always stay hidden. He was soon discovered and gangs of kids came after and beat him to teach him a lesson.

and and and and... Run on sentence... Needs fixing.

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

The old man nursed him back to help each time he got hurt.

Health... typically people are nursed back to health...

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

The boy returned the lightsaber to the man. The man asked him question like "Why do you live alone" and "What is it like all alone".

How is he alone.. what happenned to the mysterious old man?

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

The man soon gained Eaite's trust and ask the boy for a blood test.

Tense

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

The test showed that Eaite had a high amount of Midi-chlorians, making him a good chance to become a Jedi.

Fix this sentence.

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

Eaite began his training as a youngling and did not fit in because of his older age.

Yunglings are typically that age. If I assume he is still 6 or 7 years old.

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

He greatly befriended the combat trainer and became very skilled with the blade. [/qoute]

No. Not possible. Skilled with a Lightsaber likely wont happen for a bit. Especially if your only useing Shii-Cho. He's still young at this point. I would not set him apart from the others so drastically yet.

Aug 14, 2008 12:56:11 GMT -5 Midnight said:

He trained for 4 years as a youngling and is now the age of 10. He is almost ready to become a Padawan and is wishing to return to Nar Shaddaa and save the old man that had helped.

You wont be considered for Padawanship unless things get really bad for the Jedi. You will likely be trained by Jedi at the temple. As a Padawan you wont have free reighn to go places. Not everyone can be anakin skywalker.

Lightsaber: Training lightsaber
Saber Color: Blue

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho: 2
Makashi: N/A
Soresu: N/A
Ataru: N/A
Shien / Djem So: N/A
Niman: N/A
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or duel Weild: N/A
>>Sub-form Backhanded: N/A
Juyo / Vaapad : N/A
Double Bladed Combat: N/A

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices: Force Push, Force Pull, Force Speed


Telekinetic: 1
Telepathic: 2
Body: 1
Sense: 1
Protection: 1
Healing: 1
Destruction: 0

Specialized Skills: N/A


Attributes:

Physical Strength: 2
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 5
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 4
Melee Weapons: 6
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: ##
From +6

[Midnight]

YO updated after ever later! I know it I need to write Rp Smaple, but I just want to know how good it is now.

[Iota]

i would say change the colour of the lightsaber..only one person had a slightly pinkish lightsaber and that was darth bane but that was more pinky purple mainly cos he scuffed up making a red one. There are no pink lightsaber crystals. Blue, Green, Yellow, Red, purple and all variations of and sometimes silver... but silver is very rare.

[Midnight]

Updated!

[Midnight]

Updated!

[Iota]

the lightsaber stats are too high for his age.. he would only just of started to learn about the stances you have him at..so they would only be a 1 for niman..he is only 14 and a 3 in anything other than schii-cho would put him at late padawan stage

[Midnight]

UPDATED!

[Iota]

i hereby cast you out of thepending and into the accepted!

go forth and prosper, young jedi!

[Jenno]

It has been over a month since this user was last active.

Moved profile to Inactive.