sergant Orik

[sergant Orik]

Faction:replublic army
Department:army
Rank:sergent

Name:orik
Race:human
Age:25
Height:6 feet
Weight:140 pounds
Appearance:A tall soldier that seems skinny but very strong.He has white battle armor with red stripes on it with two blasters on the side gun holders, a heavy blaster on my back.Orik's face has one scra down my eye to my chin He also have dark blond hair with blue, green eyes.Some people say my eyes change color sometimes
Birth place:Tantooine

Skills:sharpshooter, good at enginering,great pilot

Attributes

Physical Strength:8
Intelligence:7
Speed:7
Leadership: 9

Unarmed:5
Melee Weapons:5
Ranged Weapons:8

Alignment:+6

Bio:ages 1- 5
When he was born everything was fine he was treeted like any other child but he semed smarter then most children finding ways to get out of his bed no matter what they did. Plus what is funny when they got something sweet even thought he was a todeler he always found a way to find the food no matter where they hid it. His father was a hunter got money for hunting serten animals in his life. His mother always stayed home to help with him. When he became 3 hea got a sister name catherin who always foiled his plan in snaching things from his parents.

Ages 6-10
When he started school he was very different not the kind that didnt love books but games, He always wanted an adventure but he was to young to go anywhere on tatooine. He never got along well with kids so he always did things his own way always making creative things no one else thought of something different from there projects and other items just like he is to them in life. He was an ace student at things he loved to fly he loved fighting in battles he even has his own droid. The droid is name Hk-48 he didnt have any special name so he just called hk that but he calls him HK for short. His sister catherin loved to put HK in dresses her mother were our mother didnt like it but we thought it was funny when he would dress up acting silly.

Ages 11-15
When he started getting older in the years he became more smarter plus he also wanted to learn about being a soldier they whent everywhere danger in every direction he wanted to feel that surge of life hes never had. One time he left the city with his father to show him how to hunt and use things. A pack of sand raiders attacked them, But they got away sense soldiers where there to help just passing by they where very kind unlike some he saw. His father broke his firing arm in the fight so Orik would go outside when no one knew and hunted thats when he saw on of the soldiers who said he could teach orik to train.But jedis found out he was force sensitive but he refused to be a jedi a soldier was more what he wanted.

16-20
When sent to the military to be a soldier he did great thanks to hunting and helping with traps or some old tactics he learned from his father he was quite good at it. After a few years of being in the training facility and becomeing a privat he was put in the plattoon the soldier how helped him was in. It was great but he was taught hes not a child to just go running to others for help tsnad for yourself he learned. Hey he learned to be alone sense starting school. When put to the battlefields he always was good at reparing machines or piloting tanks or low altitude planes. His best friend had died while a battle agaisnt the sith it was touching but his friend, teacher, and hero knew that touching moments wherent allowed this is what he told me "the mission always comes first feelings second" that was thae last of him.

ages 21 -25
Spending many years in the army he was sergant after taking his teachers place has the sergant. He was always tactical while keeping his soldiers alive but there where times they where at the mercy of sith but jedi where always there to help. What is sad even thought jedi saved him he never thought they where the great protectors of anything there just people who can do special things. He always said he could take jedi down when he wanted but they where friends and he protects hsi friends. Everyone cheered at the site of jedi but he disagreed you see them die you see sith jedi die easily to some blasters they wherent special to him they where just another platoon of soldiers to him. He still lives but his family is dead catherin is a jedi though he got sick of the thought but her and him where way different. When they would fight they where a great team blaster and saber close and far range weapons he would fire while she would keep them away from him.Thhis life of his woudnt end soon also HK his old droid was fixed to now adays and got a something so he can help in battle able to hack when connected to enemys computers good with a blaster the only things he cant do is pilot, heal allys, but hes like a battle servec droid.Him catherin Hk-48 are still alive fighting for the republic.

RP Sample: "you see them anywhere?" Orik would tell HK he replied"negative no life signs anywhere kind of strange." We would walk down the hall our missiong was to recover stolen data from a mercenary that was paid to get data from our battle plans. We see somethikng in the dark we fire furiously but after a few rounds it turned out to be catherin "who do you think your firing at trooper" "sorry we thought you where the enemmy why are you here?" "I was told to help you sergant wheres your troops you cant fight alone", she snapped at me "i thought jedi where suposed to be friendly plus my troopers are here there just looking at other sectors of the ship." Orik said laughing a bit. "No need to interupt but we have company" A group of the mercenarys thugs where here to rake us out they fired with there blasters at us, we took cover firing back while catherin would keep any shots from geving us fatal wounds."Look out!', She yelled behind Orik one of the thugs where behind to shoot Him in the back she pushed the thug forwards with the force pulling close to take him out another moved to the side to her but Orik ramed him while firing my blasters "any near squads we need renforcements we have enemys." Orik yelled in the radio He could hear my soldiers foot steps rushing to help there sergant. "there runing shall I follow them master" HK said "no let them run we will have reinforcements to help chase them down" Orik said while everyone was taking a breather except HK-48

[Dire Wolf]

You may want to check the timeline of the site, this is about 3600 years before the clone wars

[Anna]

Not only that...but...no offense; you need everything to be waaaaaay longer. Your history needs to be more detailed, your rp sample needs to be more detailed, everything needs to be more detailed. If I were you, I would look at some other peoples bios to get a feel for what's required.

[sergant Orik]

How about now I changewd him alot

[Rugs]

Just a note here, but I see that your RP sample and appearance are in first person. We RP in the third person past tense here, so that'll need to be changed around. Though the appearance doesn't have to be past tense.

Also, I don't know if English is your primary language or not, but it might help to run this through a word processor to catch some of the spelling mistakes I'm seeing.

[sergant Orik]

There you go third person happy now plus im not good at typing real fast because I miss misspell words without noticing.

[Xander]

Okay dude, you are obviously not trying hard enough to listen to the observers, no offence. I still see allot of problems here, allot of problems.

a heavy blaster on my back

Okay okay, everything else seems to be okay. It's just your My's. My means me, which is still first person. As others have said, third person please. Say "His" or "Him" that way it is third person.

Orik would tell HK

Okay, why is that would there? Would means there is a change. Example: Jarak would usually have his Blaster Pistol holstered. But today was diffrent, he could sense there was something wrong. He could tell from the blood that was smeared along the floor. This is the proper use of a 'would,' you however mis-used it. Please cut the would's out.

Physical Strength:8
Intelligence:7
Speed:7
Leadership: 9

Unarmed:5
Melee Weapons:5
Ranged Weapons:8

The stats are a tad high. the eight's are too much, ecspecially for a twenty-five year old. He seems to have the abilities of an expirienced Mando in his late thirties. Leadership: Nine is way too high, cut it down or mods will never accept. Nine means god, it means your practicly better than everyone. But then you back that up with two eight's? Sorry Mod's don't like that stuff.

Alignment: +6

I think this is high, I mean, from what i've seen only Jedi are allowed alignment this high. A Republican soldier isn't as good as that, maybe lower it down by one or two points?


I'm sorry if I offended you in any way, because that is not intended. I only mean to enhance your character, and your expirience at SWURP.

[Dutch]

Quote:
Alignment: +6


I think this is high, I mean, from what i've seen only Jedi are allowed alignment this high. A Republican soldier isn't as good as that, maybe lower it down by one or two points?

No, anyone can have any alignment, just has to be explained well, and anyone who has a 7+ alignment needs to be very active to show said alignment. An example is my Sith Army soldier with a -8, it's possible, just gotta work with it often.

[Xander]

Okay, sorry, I just assumed.

[Val - Warning:Contains Sarcasm]

Hey, thought I'd give you an overall second look over. Welcome to the site! Here we gooooooooo!
*jumps into drainpipe*

1 - In your thread title can you please replace "sergeant Orik" with the forename and surname only.

2 -

Name:orik

There is no surname here, which would be required. Just a general surname or something off the wall, such as Baku, Lood, Gum'ga or Repassi maybe?

3 -

Appearance:A tall soldier that seems skinny but very strong.He has white battle armor with red stripes on it with two blasters on the side gun holders, a heavy blaster on my back.Orik's face has one scra down my eye to my chin He also have dark blond hair with blue, green eyes.Some people say my eyes change color sometimes

If you could provide an image of him that would be helpful, though it's not necessary. I think this area might need to be split into two areas. If possible could you explain first his facial features - green/blue eyes, tall, thin, muscular, hair type, skin type, how he wears his hair, battle scars, anything like that.

The second half could be his combat armour and the distinguishing red marks, as well as any weapon slots. Again, a picture for this could be helpful, but I'd need to make you aware that because of the timeline an image directly of a clone soldier will probably not be easily accepted because of the implications. We're 3000 years before that, around the time of the KOTOR games if you've played those. Also try to stick to using the third person. Using 'his eyes' and 'his hands' instead of 'my hands' or 'my eyes'.

4 -

Birth place:Tantooine

Just check the spelling - Tatooine or Dantooine? Dantooine is the planet with the old Jedi temple. Tatooine is the desert.

5 -

Physical Strength:8
Intelligence:7
Speed:7
Leadership: 9

Might I suggest the following:

Physical Strength: 7
Intelligence: 5
Speed:6
Leadership: 6

A 9 would be the equivalent of Yoda's speed if you've seen Episode 3, or a charisma level to rival Darth Vader. Unquestionable leadership.

6 -

When he was born everything was fine he was treeted like any other child but he semed smarter then most children finding ways to get out of his bed no matter what they did. Plus what is funny when they got something sweet even thought he was a todeler he always found a way to find the food no matter where they hid it. His father was a hunter got money for hunting serten animals in his life. His mother always stayed home to help with him. When he became 3 hea got a sister name catherin who always foiled his plan in snaching things from his parents.

OK, I'll list the things here and let you elaborate on each area at a time. For the above paragraph:

- What sort of house was he born into? Rich? Poor? Slums? Suburban? Farm?
- How was he smarted? Could he improvise? Could he do good math?
- Did his mother have some sort of major influence in his upbringing?
- Did he ever want to be a hunter like his father?
- How did his sister foil his plans? Did he resent her for it?

When he started school he was very different not the kind that didnt love books but games, He always wanted an adventure but he was to young to go anywhere on tatooine. He never got along well with kids so he always did things his own way always making creative things no one else thought of something different from there projects and other items just like he is to them in life. He was an ace student at things he loved to fly he loved fighting in battles he even has his own droid. The droid is name Hk-48 he didnt have any special name so he just called hk that but he calls him HK for short. His sister catherin loved to put HK in dresses her mother were our mother didnt like it but we thought it was funny when he would dress up acting silly.

- Was it common for other children to prefer books over games? How did he become an ace student if he preferred playing?
- Why didn't he get on well with other children? Did he act strange? Was he just a loner character who preferred his own company?
- Can you give up examples of how he did things differently and was creative? Did he invent something or spark the idea to design something such as a modification?
- When you say he was an ace student and fought in battles and flew, it sounds like he's a late teen by now. Could you give a little more help with the ages as the bio progresses. Also, what battles was he involved in? As far as I'm aware Tatooine is fairly peaceful, especially as far as a schoolboy goes.
- The HK-48 droid is an assassin droid that would probably have been inappropriate for him unless it was reprogrammed. Was it's behaviour system changed or was it the violent, aggressive robot we all know and love?
- Some of these things sound rather advanced for his age, especially the flying and fighting. I think these may be more appropriate later in the bio around the 18 mark, which is where Luke Skywalker was at in Episode 4.

When he started getting older in the years he became more smarter plus he also wanted to learn about being a soldier they whent everywhere danger in every direction he wanted to feel that surge of life hes never had. One time he left the city with his father to show him how to hunt and use things. A pack of sand raiders attacked them, But they got away sense soldiers where there to help just passing by they where very kind unlike some he saw. His father broke his firing arm in the fight so Orik would go outside when no one knew and hunted thats when he saw on of the soldiers who said he could teach orik to train.But jedis found out he was force sensitive but he refused to be a jedi a soldier was more what he wanted.

- Just a clarification needed on how you phrased the first part, maybe. He wanted to life the life of a soldier so he could feel important and such.
- I think it may be highly unlikely that the soldiers would just offer openly to train Orik, but would probably just try to recruit him.
- Jedi would be highly unlikely to be on Tatooine unless he was in a major city or something. Also he is too old to be trained so they would not have offered him this. They may have made him aware of his Force sensitivity though.

When sent to the military to be a soldier he did great thanks to hunting and helping with traps or some old tactics he learned from his father he was quite good at it. After a few years of being in the training facility and becomeing a privat he was put in the plattoon the soldier how helped him was in. It was great but he was taught hes not a child to just go running to others for help tsnad for yourself he learned. Hey he learned to be alone sense starting school. When put to the battlefields he always was good at reparing machines or piloting tanks or low altitude planes. His best friend had died while a battle agaisnt the sith it was touching but his friend, teacher, and hero knew that touching moments wherent allowed this is what he told me "the mission always comes first feelings second" that was thae last of him.

- You may need to state previously in the bio that he went hunting with his father and learnt the tricks of the trade from him.
- It seems controversial that he would be joining a platoon that ordered the members to stand alone. Maybe they'd press individual fitness and independence, but not risk the teamwork needed for a soldier duty.
- You may need to mention a secondary training module where he learnt piloting skills and repair techniques.
- The Sith were not at war with the Republic at this time, and it is more likely he would have been fighting rebels or pirates. Also, you'd need to mention he was taken off-world at some point, as I assumed he was still on Tatooine at this point. This would mean a teary farewell with his parents. More details on the death of his friend too! Explosion? Shot? Assassinated? I'd like to know!
- Again, just to reiterate, you mentioned 'he told me' when it would be appropriate to put 'he told him' to keep the writing in third person.

Spending many years in the army he was sergant after taking his teachers place has the sergant. He was always tactical while keeping his soldiers alive but there where times they where at the mercy of sith but jedi where always there to help. What is sad even thought jedi saved him he never thought they where the great protectors of anything there just people who can do special things. He always said he could take jedi down when he wanted but they where friends and he protects hsi friends. Everyone cheered at the site of jedi but he disagreed you see them die you see sith jedi die easily to some blasters they wherent special to him they where just another platoon of soldiers to him. He still lives but his family is dead catherin is a jedi though he got sick of the thought but her and him where way different. When they would fight they where a great team blaster and saber close and far range weapons he would fire while she would keep them away from him.Thhis life of his woudnt end soon also HK his old droid was fixed to now adays and got a something so he can help in battle able to hack when connected to enemys computers good with a blaster the only things he cant do is pilot, heal allys, but hes like a battle servec droid.Him catherin Hk-48 are still alive fighting for the republic.

- Again, Sith would not be attacking yet and the Jedi are not helping at the moment. The Sith have only just (really, JUST) attacked the Republic and the Jedi are very much on the sidelines still.
- Why did he suddenly decide he didn't like the Jedi so much? Is there a reason for his dislike of them so much? And especially his sister, even if it was just sibling rivalry. As far as I can tell the reason he hates them is because they're different. Is this the only reason or does he wish he was special too?

7- RP sample just needs to be looked over and split so it's easier to read. Maybe split into two or three paragraphs and fine-tuned for detail.

Overall it just needs an overhaul to bring it to the correct timeline, and a read through for spelling mistakes and using the correct versions of words - sight/site, has/as, allys/allies, etc.

[Keilara]

Hi Orik!

You look like you have a really good start here on this bio. I'm just going to run over it and give you some pointers on things you may want to take a look at. I know Valadin is planning on dropping a review in here as well, we just want to help you get approved as quickly as possible. If you have any questions about anything we put down feel free to pm and ask, or ask here in the thread!

1. You need to capitalize Republic anywhere in your bio that it refers to the Republic. So

Faction: Republic
Department: Army
Rank: Sergeant

2. Always capitalize proper nouns (Names- Orik, Place- Coruscant, Proper names of things- Jedi temple) and the beginning of sentences.

3. In your description you bounce back and forth between first person and third person. Just make sure you double check in there that all "my's" are changed to either Orik, him, or his. ^^

4. Val mentioned he would work on your stats, stats are not something I'm very good at. You will probably want to go with what he suggests.

5. Alignment is fine.

6. Alright, bio time. I will probably make a lot of notes here. DON'T BE DISCOURAGED! You have an excellent start, you just need a bit more detail and some grammar/ spelling help. Val is covering the detail bits. I'm going to help out with the structure. ^_^

I suggest always that before you say a paragraph is finished, that you read it aloud and mark any places where you pause naturally with either a comma or a period.

Let me just clarify the difference so you don't have to go through again later and change them. A comma is a pause in the sentence. It says, this thought is not yet finished, but I need air or I'm going to pass out. A period, however, is a full stop. It marks the completion of one thought and says, "After me there will be a new but related thought."

That said, I am going to run through your first paragraph and give you some helps and tricks that will hopefully help you edit the rest of your bio.

When he was born everything was fine he was treeted like any other child but he semed smarter then most children finding ways to get out of his bed no matter what they did.

There are two distinct thoughts in this sentence. The first thought is "When he was born everything was fine". This needs to be made it's own sentence, ending in a period. Be sure you capitalize the beginning of the second sentence.

The second sentence should read, "He was treated like any other child but he seemed smarter than most children, (because you would need to take a breath there) finding ways to get out of his bed no matter what they did."

-- Let me just quickly point out as well that you will need to identify who "he" and "they" are. There is nothing wrong with saying "When Orik was born..." and "no matter what his parents tried." It will get confusing if you don't make those clarifications.

"Plus what is funny when they got something sweet even thought he was a todeler he always found a way to find the food no matter where they hid it."

I suggest a complete re-writing of this sentence just to make it a bit clearer. Something similar to,

"Orik learned to walk and crawl around the age of "blank". He had a love of sweet things, and would go to hilarious lengths to find them no matter where his parents had hidden them."

"His father was a hunter got money for hunting serten animals in his life."

Simple rewrite here, just a couple missing words and a misspelling.

"His father was a hunter who received money for hunting certain animals."

"His mother always stayed home to help with him."

Word choice is very important. It helps to make things clearer. I would say something more like,

"His mother always remained home to raise him properly."

"When he became 3 hea got a sister name catherin who always foiled his plan in snaching things from his parents."

I suggest taking out one of the "he's" and replacing it with Orik. Catherin should be capitalized as it is a proper noun, and you need to fix snatching

Capitalize Tatooine. It's the name of a planet. You also need to make sure you have capitalized Catherin's name anywhere it appears in the bio.

Again, read through your sentences out loud and mark the pauses. You have some run-on sentences that would easily be solved with a comma or a period.

Sand Raiders = Tusken Raiders (capitalized because it is the name of a race)

But they got away sense soldiers where there

There are some errors here that a word processor and spell checker WILL NOT pick up. Words spelled properly but used incorrectly. Sense means to use your senses. A sense soldier is probably someone who uses their nose or their hands and smells or feels their way around. I think the word you're looking for is since.

Also, where describes a location. You are looking for were

>Side note. There has been no mention previously of Force-sensitivity, so the part about the Jedi should be deleted because it makes very little sense. However, for future reference, Jedi should be capitalized.<

Capitalize Orik any time you use it.

Run through the 16-20 years carefully. There are some typing mistakes and word usage errors (such as the use of sense instead of since again).

Sergeant not sargent
Capitalize Sith, Jedi, Catherin, and Republic.
Run through and look for typing/ spelling mistakes.

RP Sample

The first word of a sentence in quotations is almost ALWAYS capitalized. Make sure you keep your rp sample in past tense. "We saw", "we fired" and anytime someone speaks, make it a new line. Especially if you have more than one person speaking at a time. Run through this as well for spelling and typing mistakes.

~~~~~~~~~

Okies, that is all for now. Get those things, as well as what Val has left you finished and we'll check back on how it looks when you're done! Good job so far. Just some tweaking and you'll be ready to go.

[Dire Wolf]

Howdy ^_^ just stopping in to say that all these folks are right on the money. Follow what they say and you'll be well on your way on the road to acceptance.

[Rugs]

Let me know within the next few days if this is being worked on or it will be moved to incomplete.

[Rugs]

Moved to inactive pending