Private Mogachi

[mogachi]

Faction:Galactic Republic
Department:Army
Rank:Private

Name:Ronald "Mogachi" Daniels
Race:Human
Age:18
Height:5'3
Weight:115 lbs.
Appearance:Young,short hair,scar on chest,stern look always,dark brown hair,fair colored skin
Birth place:Aargau/New Escrow

Skills:Good with surveying areas,good on speeder bikes,very intelegent

Attributes:Strong,fast,high stamina,good leader

Physical Strength:6
Intelligence:9
Speed:7
Leadership:7

Unarmed:6
Melee Weapons:7
Ranged Weapons:8

Alignment: posotive 3

Bio: Birth to 2
I was a mainly quiet baby born into New Escrow and managing to kill my mother in the process.My father loved me alot and tried to spend as much time with me as possible but with the return of the Mandalores in the outer rim father was quiet busy.Dad was a captian for the New Escrow army.He was the squad leader for the infamous swamp troopers also know as Harsh Terrain-Assualt Troopers.I learned to walk at 8 months and learned to talk at 10 months.
2 to 6
During my pre school graduation the New Escrow school distric gave me a test to see my Intelec capabilitys(they do this to every child).The test was of some simple Pre school first grade and kindergarden questions and I passed with a 100.Bieng so they gave me an IQ test and my IQ turned out to be 100.I took several more test and in one day wounded up skipping kindergarden,1st, and 2nd grade.I was a wonder to the 3rd graders.I was only 6 and in third grade.Besides school my hobbies included watching my dad fix speeder bikes and riding on them with my dad.My ambitions were to become a captian just like my dad.
6 to 10
I went through my school years skipping grades and by 9 I was in 6th grade.On my 10th birth day the sirens went off.My dad drove me to my aunts house on a speeder bike.My aunt lived in the country side so he was sure we could be safe.He was telling me good by when his com unit went off.He said he loved me them drove off.That night I heard the sounds off battle in the city of New Escrow when there was a huge explosion and it all stopped.The world was silent.The Mandalores had won.
10 to 14
I lived with my aunt for several years saddened by my fathers death.I failed 7th grade even!But when I found out my aunt had cancer and her dying wish was to see me graduate high school I got my act together.I went to the office and aked them if I could take the test and they let me.I passes I went from a freshman to a junior in 2 days of test.By 12 I had graduated high school all for my aunt.Then one night she died.She just stopped moving and the doctor escorted me out of the hospital room.I went to the Half blown up New Escrow.I roamed the wastes until I found a group called the speeders.They were kids around my age that loved speeder bikes as much as I did!I quikly sighned up and guess what I got my own speeder bike!I quikly be came the brains of the gang and we managed to live pretty well off of stolen food and water.Then at one party (I had turned 14 at least 2 days ago) while we weere drinking some stolen wiskey around a camp fire some where around the old bank we heard a loud noise.We looked up to see drop ships coming down and landing.One landed near us and then a squad of mandalorian troops rushed passed us.We all got on our bikes and left.We don't want to be there when the mandalores start firing.
14 to 18
We found out that it was republic forces that invaded.They had won the war over Aargau.Me and the speeders were walking near one of the ships when we saw a sighn that cuaght or eye it said "WE ARE OFFERING SPOTS ON CRUISERS FOR BOYS 13 AND OLDER!" well I was glad I was 14 becuase I was getting on that ship.We walked up to this station that was next to the sighn.A republic soldier asked us to sighn our names and then he asked us what we are good at.We all said "Speeder bikes" he said "Well that dosn't count but.......can you fix things?" We all nodded yes."Good!", he said.We all got put on the same ship but there was cache.They didn't have enough sleeping quaters.So we all had to share one room.It was hard bieng 4 guys in one tiny cell space but we managed to deal with it.For over 2 years we stayed on that ship reciving combat training from the soldiers that were on board.One of the sniper trainers said I was a good shot so that made me proud.We finnaly arrived a Corosuant when I was 16.I moved to the lower levels of the jedi temple distric and worked at a bar that provided lodging and food to me.I was a bus boy but I had a home and food.One morning when I was 17 my boss told me that I should sighn up for the army.I agreed.I went to a recruiting office and sighned up for the HT-AT division.(Harsh Terrain-Assualt Trooper)I went through a simple test and physical exam and then I was sent to Kashyyyk for training.It was hard very hard.I had to under-go test in every enviroment and with every gun and armor.I passed at 18.Im glad the trainings over.

RP Sample:Mogachi waited laying in the mud.He was waiting for an enemy patrol to pass by so he can give the go to his squad.The patrol passed and he flickerd his red light.His squad captian ran up next to him and said"Remember...Were swamp troopers.We can do this."

[Val - Warning:Contains Sarcasm]

Hey, and welcome! I'll be going through the bio to see what's up and what can be changed. Don't worry if there's a lot of changes, hopefully most of them will be minor corrections

Name:Mogachi

He'll need a first name and a surname. If you want Mogachi to be his nickname then maybe put it in ""s.

Appearance:Young,short hair,scar on chest,stern look always,dark brown hair,fair colored skin

If you could write this in a few sentences it could be more helpful and read better. Possibly something along the lines of:

Mogachi is a young man, with short, dark brown hair that comes down to [place]. His face is almost always occupied with a stern look, and his eyes give the indication of a feeling of [emotion]. His skin is fair, and [mostly/hardly] untouched, [except for/especially] a scar on his chest. He is [muscular/hardly muscled] and [tall/short] and [thin/large]. He can most commonly be seen in... [and then go on to describe his clothing].

high fatigue

Should this maybe be high stamina? High fatigue, to me, sort of sounds like he gets really, really tired.

Physical Strength:8 1 - 10
Intelligence:81 - 10
Speed:9 1 – 10
Leadership:7 1 - 10

Unarmed:6 1 - 10
Melee Weapons:7 1 - 10
Ranged Weapons:8 1 – 10

Could you maybe just take the 1-10 out of these values so we've just got the single numbers? Makes it easier to read. Also, for an 18 year old human, I think he'd benefit from stats more along my suggestions:

Physical Strength: 7
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 7
Leadership: 6

Unarmed: 5
Melee Weapons: 6
Ranged Weapons: 7

It just keeps the stats down to a more acceptable level. 8s and 9s are rather powerful, and would require a really good description in the bio.

Alignment:Cares about his squad,dosn't judge people for race or intellegence or strength

This should be a number that reflects his moral standing. -10 being total evil, 0 being neutral and 10 being total good. Your character sounds around 2/3ish.

Was born on Aargau and lived with my dad for 10 years when he died in the defence of New Escrow.I then lived with mt aunt in the country side of Aargau until the mandalore attacks were over.I then moved into the city living on the streets for my aunt had died of cancer.I lived on the streets until the Republic gained control of Aargau.I lived on a Republic Starship as a handyman for 2 years when the ship docked at Corosuant.I lived in the lower district of Corosuant.I joined the army at 18

OK, I'll be honest and just say that this is very short for an 18 year old soldier. Here I'll hopefully be able to suggest some changes to the bio with a few points each paragraph to flesh it out for a mod to look at:

Paragraph 1: Birth to 2 years.
What were his parents like? What did they do? Where was he born? Did he behave as a young child or was he very shouty/screamy? How easily did he find learning to talk?

Paragraph 2: 2 years to 6 years
How did his schooling progress? You mention he lived with his father - what happened to his mother? Did he have any friends? What hobbies did he engage in? What did his ambitions consist of?

Paragraph 3: 6 years to 10 years
By now we're apparently reaching an important time in your character's life. Your character's father apparently died when he was 10 in 'the defence of New Escrow', but you don't mention who was attacking or why. Also, what effect did this have on your character?

Paragraph 4: 10 years to 14 years
Your character will be verging around adolescence around here, so this would be a good time to point out the speeder bike thing that you mentioned, as well as how good he was at leading others - maybe in gangs or something? Any love interests your character had at all? Any fights? Enemies? Did he really want to join the army by this point? Why was he living with his aunt? How did he feel when she died? What did he think about living on the streets? How old was he when the Republic retook control of Aargau? And again, who attacked the planet in the first place?

Paragraph 5: 14 years to 18 years
What age was he when he joined the starship as a handyman? Also, would the Republic take him on at this age? Would he be old enough? How did he go from working aboard the starship to Coruscant, and how did he get living quarters there? What did he do for income on Coruscant between arriving there and joining the army? Also, you'll need to describe his application process and training, especially what branch of the army he was going into.

RP Sample:Mogachi waited laying in the mud.He was waiting for an enemy patrol to pass by so he can give the go to his squad.The patrol passed and he flickerd his red light.His squad captian ran up next to him and said"Remember...Were swamp troopers.We can do this."

This also needs to be longer, so we can get a proper feel of your RP style. You didn't mention anything about being swamp troopers in your bio. Also, what can they do? How do they do it? Just let us know all these things through the RP sample.

[Dutch]

Just a quick note in the mean time, this should be written in the third person- not first. I might get around to giving a full review tonight. If Dragon Age doesn't beckon me <_<

[Mara]

Hi.

Could you please fix your bold () tags so that everything in your profile isn't bolded? It should just be the titles of the categories. Makes it easier to read.

[Rugs]

Moved to Inactive Pending