Post by Twysper on Dec 11, 2009 0:32:32 GMT -5
Hello Pein.
I ish Twysper, and I'll be reviewing your bio tonight! ;D
Note: I am just a normal member like yourself, so none of this advice particularly needs to be heeded.
So let's get this show on the road, and hop right in...
Height: 6'8" Weight: 176 lbs. <- Um. What? Usually I don't do this, but 6'8" for a normal human is just a little ridiculous. I'm all for fun and creativity, open-minded character creation, etc. etc. but this needs to be brought down. Especially because he'd be on the very skinny side of the spectrum with his weight, not the muscle bound (strength of 8) black ops commando side.
Skills:
None of these need mentioning as far as I'm concerned, skritch them out to clean up the bio.
I'm going to get to the stats in a moment, dun worry. ;D
Bio:
Alright, I can pretty definitively say that the disease is not going to be accepted.
When he was tow monthes old he was brought to Mandalore. He was a quite kid never made any trouble for his parents who both lived like Mandalorians were supposed to do and they tried their best to relay that to their son .At the age of 6 he already had been trained in multiple ways of fighting by his father and other clan members. The training was the hardest and the best with what the mandalorians could train someone .For example he could beat all other Mandalorian kids in his age class in hand to hand combat , range and melee weapons . And at the Age of 13 he had his Verd'goten . He had to face a wookie and an other Mandalorian ( a full grown one ) in a triple threat match if he would be able to knock out both he would be granted the rank of a true Mandalorian .
First off.... Were his parents originally Mandalorians, or did they just decide to become them after having a child?
Reasons this is important...
One, his father would not be able to train him well enough in the ways of combat if they had just decided to show up, as they'd be learning themselves.
Two, if they -were- Mandalorians beforehand, why did they go to Aleen, instead of staying on Mandalore?
And I highly doubt that Deva was best in everything. No other kid his age-group, in the whole clan, could beat him at anything?
Next set of points here- His Verd'goten. This is not going to fly. Knocking out a wookiee, and a full grown mandalorian? Nope. It's not plausible in the least. Partly because you admit you don't know how he did it.
Besides that sentence needing a run through a spellchecker, allow me to draw attention to the 'somehow.'
There are no unknowns in a bio. 'specially when it's something that's key for a character.
Alrighty. Deva is fifteen. There are liable to be war veterans among the Mandalorians, training all of their lives for combat. A fifteen year old just starting to gain muscle = a pipsqueak compared to a battle hardened warrior, and thus, frankly screwed in a fight with them.
And now he suddenly has a battle ship? At fifteen? Where'd he get it?
As for the rest of it...
He's never even been in battle before, no other mandos would follow him. And as far as the Sith empire goes... Sorry, another no-no there. The Sith just formed in character about a few months ago, around a decade after Deva's suddenly generated knowledge of them.
Chances also are that the Neimoidians would blow the heck out of any unidentified potentially hostile mandalorian (remember, Neimoidians are known for cowardice, they'd rather shoot up an enemy from farther away) battleship that tried to land on their planet, or near their viceroy's current place of residency. Not that it matters, since a fifteen year old having a battleship probably, again, isn't going to work out.
I've covered that the Neimoidians would probably blow the living daylights out of the ship before they let it land. 'nuff said about that.
But you have your character portrayed here as being invincible and perfect. The mods won't approve characters like that. Trust me.
Plus, this whole bunch of sentences definitely needs to be reread and put through a spellchecker.
Again, this needs to be put through a spellchecker.
Now, furthermore, you never mention Deva having anything resembling power armor in the bio beforehand, it just seems to appear out of thin air.
Then I'm not sure why a Jedi would cut up the body. More likely he'd just jump over it, back up, or move to the side.
Where the fluff did the electro staff come from, and why was a Jedi master, one trained in lightsaber combat (of a similar nature to the attacks of an electrostaff) able to be downed so easily in two simplistic moves? Not to mention that the Jedi there is sounding particularly unjedi-like with his immediate jump to violence. More likely he'd try and mediate something first.
Furthermore, Jedi aren't entirely dependent on the force, so even if Devas did have a force free zone, it wouldn't make one fall to their knees. It's not kryptonite.
Um, not to be rude, but this seems to have absolutely no correlation to the bio at all. There's no set up, no plot, they're just suddenly there. You went from killing one Jedi to killing another.
So...
Who is Ki-rek-mundi? Where are they? Why is Deva trying to kill him? etc. etc.
So how did Deva get holo-recordings of lightsaber forms to study? And how do you preempt someone making basic attacks, or manage to consider all of the possibilities that your opponent has open for attack, and select the right motion to block, based on recordings?
Again, no force-free zone by disease.
RP sample:
Crashing right through walls? Getting shot in the back repeatedly? Nu uh. Not unless it was a very thin wall of duracrete, which is not mentioned. Or a very pathetic blaster. A close spread of shots at the close indoor range you seem to be going for would probably burn through the armor and kill Devas.
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Stats:
Nowhere in bio is your character noted to have any great deal of intelligence, so I'd move the stat down to a five, the average intelligence level for an adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Final notes-
This bio probably needs to be longer. He's 24, and he only has about three paragraphs of information related to his development in the bio.
My advice would be to break it up into sections.
Birth to age 4, age 4 to 9, age 9 to 14, etc. until you get to 24.
Try and write at least a paragraph for each section, so that we have the whole story.
The bio will flow better, and make it easier on the people that come to read about your character.
Yeah, it seems like a lot to try and fix, but take it piece by piece, reread it for correct grammar, and I promise it'll disappear quickly.
I ish Twysper, and I'll be reviewing your bio tonight! ;D
Note: I am just a normal member like yourself, so none of this advice particularly needs to be heeded.
So let's get this show on the road, and hop right in...
Height: 6'8" Weight: 176 lbs. <- Um. What? Usually I don't do this, but 6'8" for a normal human is just a little ridiculous. I'm all for fun and creativity, open-minded character creation, etc. etc. but this needs to be brought down. Especially because he'd be on the very skinny side of the spectrum with his weight, not the muscle bound (strength of 8) black ops commando side.
Skills:
None of these need mentioning as far as I'm concerned, skritch them out to clean up the bio.
I'm going to get to the stats in a moment, dun worry. ;D
Bio:
Deva Thule was born on Aleen but shortly after his birth a strange disease befell him . The disease caused the force to flow around him but never to enter Deva's body . This disease can't be cured or anything but Deva uses it to his advantage ( Ok I have invented this but I think in a RPG the porpouse is to be creative so I hope this is allright 
) .
) .Alright, I can pretty definitively say that the disease is not going to be accepted.
When he was tow monthes old he was brought to Mandalore. He was a quite kid never made any trouble for his parents who both lived like Mandalorians were supposed to do and they tried their best to relay that to their son .At the age of 6 he already had been trained in multiple ways of fighting by his father and other clan members. The training was the hardest and the best with what the mandalorians could train someone .For example he could beat all other Mandalorian kids in his age class in hand to hand combat , range and melee weapons . And at the Age of 13 he had his Verd'goten . He had to face a wookie and an other Mandalorian ( a full grown one ) in a triple threat match if he would be able to knock out both he would be granted the rank of a true Mandalorian .
First off.... Were his parents originally Mandalorians, or did they just decide to become them after having a child?
Reasons this is important...
One, his father would not be able to train him well enough in the ways of combat if they had just decided to show up, as they'd be learning themselves.
Two, if they -were- Mandalorians beforehand, why did they go to Aleen, instead of staying on Mandalore?
And I highly doubt that Deva was best in everything. No other kid his age-group, in the whole clan, could beat him at anything?
Next set of points here- His Verd'goten. This is not going to fly. Knocking out a wookiee, and a full grown mandalorian? Nope. It's not plausible in the least. Partly because you admit you don't know how he did it.
Deva passed the Exam not so easy because he had to use his quickness to outrun the other to and finally somehow beat them.
Besides that sentence needing a run through a spellchecker, allow me to draw attention to the 'somehow.'
There are no unknowns in a bio. 'specially when it's something that's key for a character.
After he had passed the exam Deva concentrated on building up more muscles . In the end of his 2 years training Deva was strong enough to beat nearly everyone of his clansmen in close combat . But at the age of 15 he left his clan because he felt that joining the sith empire would be better for the mandalorians so he and a small group of mandos left their clan on Deva's proud battle ship Fallen Justice ( can be found in the starships thread ) and strafed the galaxy as a bounty hunters , till the commanders of the new sith Empire found him on the planet Cato Neimodia where he killed the Viceroy of the planet.
Alrighty. Deva is fifteen. There are liable to be war veterans among the Mandalorians, training all of their lives for combat. A fifteen year old just starting to gain muscle = a pipsqueak compared to a battle hardened warrior, and thus, frankly screwed in a fight with them.
And now he suddenly has a battle ship? At fifteen? Where'd he get it?
As for the rest of it...
He's never even been in battle before, no other mandos would follow him. And as far as the Sith empire goes... Sorry, another no-no there. The Sith just formed in character about a few months ago, around a decade after Deva's suddenly generated knowledge of them.
Chances also are that the Neimoidians would blow the heck out of any unidentified potentially hostile mandalorian (remember, Neimoidians are known for cowardice, they'd rather shoot up an enemy from farther away) battleship that tried to land on their planet, or near their viceroy's current place of residency. Not that it matters, since a fifteen year old having a battleship probably, again, isn't going to work out.
The commanders saw in him a way to battle even the best jedi . Thats so because he managed to kill the top guards the Neimondians had without getting a some much as a scratch and recruited him as captain at the age of 22 . Deva accepted their offer at once the reason behind that is that he wanted to fight against the jedi to proof that they can be beaten. Since then he has led his small group of Madalorians in a waste number of secret operations . The most importunes were killing jedi masters Rod wambor on Allen . The mission was a pretty hard one even with Deva's extraordinary talents .
I've covered that the Neimoidians would probably blow the living daylights out of the ship before they let it land. 'nuff said about that.
But you have your character portrayed here as being invincible and perfect. The mods won't approve characters like that. Trust me.
Plus, this whole bunch of sentences definitely needs to be reread and put through a spellchecker.
When the jedi was strolling with a small squad of republic soldiers . Deva had studied his "pray" carefully he knew where the perfect point for an attack was so he let his team set the dampeners on strategic positions so that the jedi couldn't escape easily . When Rod Wambor came to the place Deva had awaited him . "So you are mighty jedi general Rod Wambor " snarled Deva at the jedi . "Again a mandalorian "? asked the jedi . "Don't you grow tiered of me killing your men one after another ?Kill him"! ordered Wambor . That was the sign the mandalorians had waited for . Before one of the republic soldiers could fire a single shot they were dead except for two . Deva dogged the shots that came from one of the while the other looked for the mandos . Deva punched the first one so hard in the chest that his rips cracked immediately ( Deva's armor enhanced his strength ) and the soldier died . The other looked around at the sound of the breaking bones but it was to late for him too . Deva head his blaster out already and shot the man two times in the stomach . Then when the jedi ran at him Deva broke the spin of the soldier too and threw the lifeless body at the jedi . Who cut it up with is lightsaber and was hit in the side by the elector staff used by Deva the jedi caught himself before hitting a near by tree . But now he was in range . Deva's force free zone befall the jedi and caused him to fall to his knees. So Deva strolled over to the jedi and used the staff to kill him ( the jedi ) .
Again, this needs to be put through a spellchecker.
Now, furthermore, you never mention Deva having anything resembling power armor in the bio beforehand, it just seems to appear out of thin air.
Then I'm not sure why a Jedi would cut up the body. More likely he'd just jump over it, back up, or move to the side.
Where the fluff did the electro staff come from, and why was a Jedi master, one trained in lightsaber combat (of a similar nature to the attacks of an electrostaff) able to be downed so easily in two simplistic moves? Not to mention that the Jedi there is sounding particularly unjedi-like with his immediate jump to violence. More likely he'd try and mediate something first.
Furthermore, Jedi aren't entirely dependent on the force, so even if Devas did have a force free zone, it wouldn't make one fall to their knees. It's not kryptonite.
Ki-rek-mundi had a padawan with him so the job was easier for Deva . His mandos distracted the master by luring away his padawan ( who was killed by mandalorian sniper as he ran after the other mandos ) . Deva had studied the jedi's lightsaber forms by watching holographic of jedi fighting so he could understand the basic movements and try to stop them there before they could use any of the higher fighting forms . So Deva had learned how to coup with a lightsaber . Which he used in the fight against Ki-rek-mundi . Which meant that it was really hard for the jedi to fight against Deva because he (Deva) knew how to block and counter the jedi's moves .But the major problem for the jedi was Deva's force free zone. And after a along fight Ki-rek mundi was dead at Deva's feet and Deva added the padawans and the masters lightsaber to his collection .
Um, not to be rude, but this seems to have absolutely no correlation to the bio at all. There's no set up, no plot, they're just suddenly there. You went from killing one Jedi to killing another.
So...
Who is Ki-rek-mundi? Where are they? Why is Deva trying to kill him? etc. etc.
So how did Deva get holo-recordings of lightsaber forms to study? And how do you preempt someone making basic attacks, or manage to consider all of the possibilities that your opponent has open for attack, and select the right motion to block, based on recordings?
Again, no force-free zone by disease.
RP sample:
Crashing right through walls? Getting shot in the back repeatedly? Nu uh. Not unless it was a very thin wall of duracrete, which is not mentioned. Or a very pathetic blaster. A close spread of shots at the close indoor range you seem to be going for would probably burn through the armor and kill Devas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stats:
Nowhere in bio is your character noted to have any great deal of intelligence, so I'd move the stat down to a five, the average intelligence level for an adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Final notes-
This bio probably needs to be longer. He's 24, and he only has about three paragraphs of information related to his development in the bio.
My advice would be to break it up into sections.
Birth to age 4, age 4 to 9, age 9 to 14, etc. until you get to 24.
Try and write at least a paragraph for each section, so that we have the whole story.
The bio will flow better, and make it easier on the people that come to read about your character.
Yeah, it seems like a lot to try and fix, but take it piece by piece, reread it for correct grammar, and I promise it'll disappear quickly.
