Captain Deva

[pein]

Faction: Sith Army
Department: Black Ops
Rank: Captain

Name: Deva Thule
Race: Human
Age: 24
Height: 6'8''
Weight: 176 lbs
Appearance:
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/4/48/Mandalorian.JPG
Birth place: Aleen

Skills:
Can torture some one very well psychological , Close combat and Black Ops ,
Attributes:

Physical Strength: 8
Intelligence: 6
Speed: 5
Leadership: 7

Unarmed: 5
Melee Weapons: 6
Ranged Weapons: 7

Alignment:
-5
Bio:
Deva Thule was born on Aleen but shortly after his birth a strange disease befell him . The disease caused the force to flow around him but never to enter Deva's body . This disease can't be cured or anything but Deva uses it to his advantage ( Ok I have invented this but I think in a RPG the porpouse is to be creative so I hope this is allright ) .When he was tow monthes old he was brought to Mandalore. He was a quite kid never made any trouble for his parents who both lived like Mandalorians were supposed to do and they tried their best to relay that to their son .At the age of 6 he already had been trained in multiple ways of fighting by his father and other clan members. The training was the hardest and the best with what the mandalorians could train someone .For example he could beat all other Mandalorian kids in his age class in hand to hand combat , range and melee weapons . And at the Age of 13 he had his Verd'goten . He had to face a wookie and an other Mandalorian ( a full grown one ) in a triple threat match if he would be able to knock out both he would be granted the rank of a true Mandalorian . Deva passed the Exam not so easy because he had to use his quickness to outrun the other to and finally somehow beat them . After he had passed the exam Deva concentrated on building up more muscles . In the end of his 2 years training Deva was strong enough to beat nearly everyone of his clansmen in close combat . But at the age of 15 he left his clan because he felt that joining the sith empire would be better for the mandalorians so he and a small group of mandos left their clan on Deva's proud battle ship Fallen Justice ( can be found in the starships thread ) and strafed the galaxy as a bounty hunters , till the commanders of the new sith Empire found him on the planet Cato Neimodia where he killed the Viceroy of the planet.

The commanders saw in him a way to battle even the best jedi . Thats so because he managed to kill the top guards the Neimondians had without getting a some much as a scratch and recruited him as captain at the age of 22 . Deva accepted their offer at once the reason behind that is that he wanted to fight against the jedi to proof that they can be beaten. Since then he has led his small group of Madalorians in a waste number of secret operations . The most importunes were killing jedi masters Rod wambor on Allen . The mission was a pretty hard one even with Deva's extraordinary talents .

When the jedi was strolling with a small squad of republic soldiers . Deva had studied his "pray" carefully he knew where the perfect point for an attack was so he let his team set the dampeners on strategic positions so that the jedi couldn't escape easily . When Rod Wambor came to the place Deva had awaited him . "So you are mighty jedi general Rod Wambor " snarled Deva at the jedi . "Again a mandalorian "? asked the jedi . "Don't you grow tiered of me killing your men one after another ?Kill him"! ordered Wambor . That was the sign the mandalorians had waited for . Before one of the republic soldiers could fire a single shot they were dead except for two . Deva dogged the shots that came from one of the while the other looked for the mandos . Deva punched the first one so hard in the chest that his rips cracked immediately ( Deva's armor enhanced his strength ) and the soldier died . The other looked around at the sound of the breaking bones but it was to late for him too . Deva head his blaster out already and shot the man two times in the stomach . Then when the jedi ran at him Deva broke the spin of the soldier too and threw the lifeless body at the jedi . Who cut it up with is lightsaber and was hit in the side by the elector staff used by Deva the jedi caught himself before hitting a near by tree . But now he was in range . Deva's force free zone befall the jedi and caused him to fall to his knees. So Deva strolled over to the jedi and used the staff to kill him ( the jedi ) .

Ki-rek-mundi had a padawan with him so the job was easier for Deva . His mandos distracted the master by luring away his padawan ( who was killed by mandalorian sniper as he ran after the other mandos ) . Deva had studied the jedi's lightsaber forms by watching holographic of jedi fighting so he could understand the basic movements and try to stop them there before they could use any of the higher fighting forms . So Deva had learned how to coup with a lightsaber . Which he used in the fight against Ki-rek-mundi . Which meant that it was really hard for the jedi to fight against Deva because he (Deva) knew how to block and counter the jedi's moves .But the major problem for the jedi was Deva's force free zone. And after a along fight Ki-rek mundi was dead at Deva's feet and Deva added the padawans and the masters lightsaber to his collection .

At the moment Deva is back at Mandalore and tries to get the remaining Mandos to fight with him against the Republic ....

RP Sample:
A strange gurgling sound came out squashed neck of a republic soldier . Deva suddenly could hear the sound of the boots from multiple soldiers .
"Shu'ardo you take the one's up stairs . Dev'rot you take the ones down stairs and I'm going to get those that are on this floor ". Deva to his elite group of Mandos .
They moved very quickly for their hight and weight . He stormed straight at a wall and broke through it . That was all to stun and surprise the enemy . He got in and inadvertently slipped a soldiers throat with the blades on his arm.
"Well young cadets are always the best" thought Deva as he shot two more and then smashed another one face . But somehow one of them slipped behind him and fired his blaster at him ( Deva ) . Deva grunted as the blaster shots hit him in the back but were absorbed by his armor . "He turned around and shot the soldier first in the balls then in the legs and arms and finally into the head . Then his comlink piped and Shu'rado's and Dev'rot's voiced said in union "Mission accomplished "....

[Val - Warning:Contains Sarcasm]

Going to jump in here quickly.

We're not in the Clone Wars era, we're around 3600 years before that, a few hundred years after KOTOR. He's not a Jango Fett clone for that reason. Also, he'll need a first name/surname depending on what Deva is. That's all Good luck with the character.

[Val - Warning:Contains Sarcasm]

Am going to suggest you maybe read through the rules, especially:
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=boardrules&action=display&thread=4584
and
swrponline2.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=boardrules&action=display&thread=1747

We don't allow Gen'dai, don't allow any unknowns in character bios, and your bio needs extending dramatically in order to be accepted. I'd suggest looking at other accepted Military bios for the Sith to get a grasp of where things are at and how a bio typically looks.

[pein]

Fix those things you ponited out is my character now approved ?

[Dutch]

Quick Note- Mando is a culture, not a race, the actual Mando race, the Taung, are extinct. So, gotta choose a species still.

[pein]

Ok fixed that too

[Rugs]

Alright, Val was right about expanding the bio, because right now it doesn't really tell us all that much about the character, and since there isn't a personality section, the bio is what we grasp the essence of the character from. It doesn't have to be a dissertation, mind you (though you're welcome to that if it floats your boat), but it needs to be long enough to cover some key events in the character's life and to help others be able to get an idea of what the character is like. So all you really need to do is expand on some of the points you have.

For example:

Deva Thule was born on Aleen but shortly after his birth was brought to Mandalore. At the age of 6 he already had been trained in multiple ways of fighting.

What was he like as a kid? What were his parents like? How'd his early training go?

And at the Age of 13 he had his Verd'goten . Which he passed splendidly .

Seven years is a pretty significant jump to pass by without mention. Now I understand there might not be much to comment on in these early years, but you should at least mention them. Also, how'd his Verd'goten go? What challenges did he face and how did he overcome them?

till the commanders of the new sith Empire found him and recruited his as captain at the age of 22

How did they find him? What lead them to him? Was he willing to work for them from the beginning?

The most importunes were killing jedi masters Rod wambor , Ki-rek-mundi and Joku .

How did these missions go? How well did he work with his team? How'd the confrontations with the Jedi go?


Those are just some suggestions. That's it for now. Reply when you've made changes and I'll take another look.

[pein]

OK i think I have covered everything you wanted

[Anna]

If I could i'd still like to suggest you expand more on the bio.

And if I remember correctly, there is no trade federation at this time. At least, I don't think so.

[Rugs]

Nighthawk is correct. It would probably be beneficial for you to look at some of the accepted military profiles to get a feel for what we're asking for. And no, the Trade Federation is not around at our current time, which is 3602 BBY, which is roughly 3500 years before the movies. It would also help you to run this app through a word processor like Microsoft Word, since I'm noticing quite a few spelling errors.


Also, because I didn't get to it in my first post, your stats are a bit on the high side. Here's a breakdown of how the stats generally work on this site:

1-2 Abysmal, the character is terrible in this area
2-3 A bit better, but still not that great
4 A bit below average
5 Average
6 Pretty good
7 Very good (This and up needs some mention in the bio. The higher the number, the more it needs to be explained in-bio)
8 Extremely good
9 Amazing. Among the best of the best
10 God-like, and usually not allowed. I can only think of one character on this site with a ten in something.

So, that 9 in strength is likely going to have to be knocked down a point or two, and mentioned in the bio. There's also currently nothing to back up the 8 in intelligence, so that needs to be mentioned. I can see the foundations for the 7 in leadership with him leading squads, but just expand on it a bit more.

Also, for the height/weight, we use feet/inches and pounds. I've done the work on a converter for you, so he'd be 6'8" and 132 lbs, which is really light for someone so tall. You can up his weight quite a bit.

Now, for the two Jedi killings:

The first one doesn't really work. You say that the Jedi was a master, but you have Deva kill him by breaking his neck after he walks into a door? A fully trained Jedi--especially a Master--would be able to sense the threat in an instant, and Deva would more than likely end up quite dead. As for the second one, it would perhaps be possible to disarm the Master, but engaging a Jedi master in melee combat when they have all of their Force abilities at their disposal is asking for a beat down. Further more, what kept the Jedi from simply pushing Deva and his team through a wall (meant that figuratively, but it could happen literally)? Powers like Force Wave aren't that rare, and I doubt it'd be beyond the ability of a master to utilize such. So, you've got to engage Jedi with weapons they can't block--preferably from a distance--and distract them in order to take one down. It's no easy feat, and it would be even harder to take down a master. Perhaps he had a padawan the team could go after to distract him? And you made no mention of what the team did to help in taking down Ki-Rek-Mundi.

This may seem like a lot, but just hang in there. We'll get you approved ;D

[pein]

Ok I have fixed everything I hope

[Casual]

Heya there, just your friendly neighborhood Casual to help out and move this app along. Gonna give you some tips to help you get up and out there into the SWU world. That said, lets get crackin'

Deva had studied the jedi's lightsaber forms by watching holographic of jedi fighting and he even managed to take a jedi holocron ( The holocron was opened for him by a captured jedi which was "cajoled" with a truth serum ) . So Deva had learned how to fight with a lightsaber . Which he used in the fight against Ki-rek-mundi .

This was probably what struck out to me most of all. Only a trained Force sensitive can wield a lightsaber. As it says in wookieepedia: "Due to the weightlessness of plasma and the strong gyroscopic effect generated by it, lightsabers required a great deal of strength and dexterity to wield, and was extremely difficult—and dangerous—for the untrained to attempt using. However, in the hands of an expert of the Force, the lightsaber was a weapon to be greatly respected and feared. To wield a lightsaber was to demonstrate incredible skill and confidence, as well as masterful dexterity and attunement to the Force."
Wookieepedia is your number one ally on this site, and what it says goes here. If you're looking to make Deva capable of using a lightsaber, you're going to have to make hims a Force-user.

Also, the fact that he defeats a Jedi with it is all but impossible. Unless this Jedi was poisoned or heavily sedated, this could not happen. At all.

What also struck me was that this bio is quite short, and doesn't go into detail of how Deva is the way he is. Why is he such a hardened punk? Which brings me to his alignment. People who break spines generally aren't neutral people. They're the crazy ones, and are those who should have negative alignments. (Zero stands for neutral)

reason behind that is onknown

"Unknown" I'm assuming is what you meant. Well, you can't have any unknowns, sorry. And the reason is one we would like to know as it builds up on the character of the... well, character. The more we know the better we can interact and understand Deva.

ingenious invention , which was a force dampener

If your going to have a character devise such a thing, you will have to create it in the technology section. Even then, it's probably not going to be accepted, as it is exceedingly powerful.

Dow no one knew at the time in 1000 years would General Grievous copy many of Deva's strategy and just like him collect the lightsabers of the jedi he had killed

Woa! The mention of Cannon characters is not allowed in bios, and the fact that Grievious would copy Deva indicates an excess in power. As fun as it is to be powerful, Overpowerful is not something SWU stands for. These guys are human (well, you know what I mean), and therefore are falliable. Try to keep that in mind when planning this guy out.

Good luck with the rest of your app, should be a fun guy to meet in RP.

[pein]

OOC- Sorry for the late reply but I had load of school work to do but now I have fixed everything in my character and I even have a brilliant explanation why my character can use a lightsaber .

[Anna]

I haven't read your bio much tbh. But if you could, seperate those walls of text into 3-4 different paragraphs. It just makes me not want to read them, and makes them much more appealing to those wanting to read said bio. If you could, that'd be great, thankuu.

[pein]

Done

[Rugs]

Here we go:

First off, Casual is a smart fella, and was right on about everything he said, as was Nighthawk. That said, there are still a number of things that need addressing.

"Unknown" I'm assuming is what you meant. Well, you can't have any unknowns, sorry. And the reason is one we would like to know as it builds up on the character of the... well, character. The more we know the better we can interact and understand Deva.

This is true, and you still have the reason as unknown in your bio. There are know unknowns in bios. The character may not know, but you as the author and we as the readers should have a reason to understand everything that goes on in the character's story. So some reason needs to be put in for him to join.

Now, the whole lightsaber thing isn't going to work for a number of reasons. First and foremost, you can't transfer the blood of a Force sensitive to yourself and then magically become Force sensitive. It dun work that way. Second, it takes years of training before someone is able to wield a lightsaber even semi-competently. It's not something you can just pick up and swing around for a little while and then be able to take on a Jedi Master with. Also,

But not only did he train alone no he was trained in lightsaber combat by Darth Zeram a drak lord of the sith ...

This won't fly. The Sith Order just barely started to reform in our timeline, and there is no way he would have been able to learn from a Darth, since up to a few weeks ago, there was only one. Furthermore, he wouldn't get any lightsaber training unless he was part of the Sith Order. As a soldier, he's part of the Sith Empire, and the relationship between the two is like the one between the Republic and the Jedi. So the lightsaber's gonna have to come out.

Which he used in the fight against Ki-rek-mundi . But the major problem for the jedi was that Deva had managed to poison Mundi with a venom that kept the jedi from using the force.

When, how, and with what poison? I'm not saying it's impossible, but you're gonna have to find some poison that actually exists in the SW universe at this point in time to go along with this, otherwise, that's gonna have to change. A good place to look is wookieepedia, for things in general.

Deva punched the first one so hard in the chest that his rips cracked immediately and the soldier died

Now, I'm a bit iffy on this to begin with, but if he was fighting a soldier, wouldn't the republic soldier be in some sort of armor? Frankly, I don't really see how he could punch through armor hard enough to kill the Republic soldier in one hit.


Another thing I'm going to ask you to do is run this through some sort of spelling and grammar checker. There are a number of spelling issues, and the writing throughout is a bit disjointed, and hard to read. I'd also like you to perhaps get someone else to read over it or read it aloud to see how things flow together, because this

Deva had let a smell less gas floatr out of his armor the hole time without realizing it the jedi had breathed in the gas the hole time and now fell to his knees because the gas takes away ones power and force users are unable touse the force till the poison is take out of them.

is, in addition to being a run-on sentence, is difficult to make sense of. I got the gist of it, but it could definitely be rewritten to clear things up. And if you're gonna go that route, I still need some sort of actual poison that does this, rather than just saying he can use this gas. That's because unless there's something to back it up, there's not really anything to keep you from whipping it out in a thread, or making up something similar, and that wouldn't be fair.

....where he killed the Viceroy of the trade federation

The Trade Federation does not exist at this point in time.


To finish this off, there is still nothing to support those high stats in the bio, so they're either going to have to be explained or lowered. And I'm already going to say that one of those eights is going to need to come down, since he's only 24 years old.


Reply when changes have been made and I'll come through for another pass.

[pein]

OK so now I have fixed the things you wanted

[Anna]

At the age of 6 he already had been trained in multiple ways of fighting.

He was trained by who? Where? How? Was his training lax or hardcore?

In the end of his 2 years training Deva was strong enough to beat at Wookie in close combat.

This doesn't seem very likely to me, tbh. Human's don't have the strength of a wookiee to begin with, and at the age of 15 and 13, his bones wouldn't even have finished growing. Weight lifting and such would quite possibly only do damage to his body.

But at the age of 15 he left his clan and strafed the galaxy as a bounty hunter

Why did he leave his clan? Generally speaking Mandalorian's are taught to have a strict sense of honor, putting a person's clan only after a person's family. It's part of the Resolnare. So why does he leave at such a young age?

Since then he has led his small group of Madalorians in a waste number of secret operations

Wait what? First he's in the Sith Army, and then he's leading mando's into battle? A) Mando's wouldn't let him lead them unless he was somehow redeemed from leaving his clan, or they had left the clan with him. And B) The Sith army doesn't really co-operate with the Mando's at this point time, so I couldn't really see them with the mandos.

That's all I got fer now...maybe later i'll expand on it...

[Rugs]

Nighthawk was, once again, correct in what he's said. Please adjust accordingly.

In addition to that, I've already told you to remove the lightsaber. Lightsaber training takes years, and there is no way he'd be able to learn it well enough to be able to take on a master who has been training/fighting with one for almost their entire lives. And besides that, there's a huge difference between knowing how something works and then putting it into use. I fence, but that doesn't mean I can watch a video of Olympic-level fencers on Youtube all day and then go out on the strip and be at that level. It doesn't work that way. So you can't just watch a video of Jedi fighting with lightsabers and then magically know how to use a lightsaber, especially since he is not a Force-sensitive, and has had no one to train him. Which brings me to my next point...

How on Earth did he get a holocron? These things aren't common, and are kept locked up in the Jedi Temple. So unless he busted in to the Temple (which would be begging to die), he ain't getting his hands on one.

Also, as far as the Synox poison goes, unless there's just something else you were looking at and I'm not seeing it, all that wookiee page says about Synox is that it's "colorless, odorless, tasteless poison that was extremely deadly." There's nothing there about being able to cut off a Force user's connection to the Force. So unless there's just some disconnect between us, you'll have to think of some other way to go about this.

Also, I noticed his alignment is really low. Are you sure you want it to be that low? I mean, it's up to you, but a -8 is getting into "I eat children for breakfast" territory, and I haven't really seen anything that would suggest that he's that evil.

Now, if you feel like you may need some help, don't be afraid to jump down to the cbox at the bottom of the page. There are a lot of really helpful people on this site, and I'm sure they'd be willing to help you out or bounce some ideas around. Or you can shoot off a PM to someone, if you'd like.

Anyway, reply when changes are made and I'll come through agani.

[pein]

Ok fixed again ...