Dutch's Dumpster

[Dutch]

Well, normally I dun approve of blogging. Like, at all. I hold it up there with myspace, twitter, and gay midget donkey shaving porn. Just ain't right. But, as my English instructor stated, sometimes it just feels good to dump everything on 'paper'. I know this, free writing is very therapeutic and I've not done it for some time. What I haven't done before though, is "spill my guts" for people, always been more recluse and not trusting in general, but for all I know, some of you know my pain and problems. So, here we go.

The most pressing thing going on for me right now is that I recently lost my job. Must've dropped it somewhere... It's really frustrating, I had a job that though I hated, paid well, but was offered a job that would pay a bit more while working with people I actually enjoy. From October till a couple weeks ago, I had fun at work, made some decent money, and finally could relax. But of course, TWO DAYS before my birthday, they tell me that "I'm not suited for restaurant work." And let me go. Needless to say, I am upset. My old job won't take me back for obvious reasons, and with this F*CKED up economy, the chances of me finding a job are small. I've applied several places already, but from experience, it will be some time before hired. If I get hired anywhere.

Second most, I'm behind rent because of this. My landlord literally calls me almost every day, and I keep telling him the same thing. Luckily, having a disabled mother actually came in handy for once, and Uncle Sam is paying for my education. This, I am very grateful for, as the leftover cash pays for my rent in a pinch. And boy is life pinching.

There's something else that is really wracking my brain at this time, but I really can't say what it is. I promised someone I wouldn't. But it is a life changing event, that I'm not ready for at all. We have decided how to approach this issue, but I'm still scared sh!tless. Some of you know what this issue is, and thank you for keeping this silent.

And of course, there's the ever present issues from surviving cancer in my teens. I would kill for a body transplant, that I would. It's funny though, ever since I started watching Dollhouse, I've been somewhat fantasizing about my personality getting placed in a body that isn't so broken down. A new item is always better than a refurbished one, right?

It's funny, I've always seen wintertime as a horrid time, just from past experiences. And this winter has delivered on that. I honestly can say this has been the hardest one since I was diagnosed with cancer seven years ago. If I wasn't such a coward, and so in love with my other half, I probably would have done myself in weeks ago. Happy birthday to me, right?

Really, my friends both here and in the outside world have really helped me keep my mind off the bad stuff- honestly, it's mostly been here. Some people I def wanna thank.

Jenno
Rugs
Delta
Jace
Otter

You five have really helped keep my head up more than anyone else (Besides my fiance) and I just want ya'll to know that I doesn't afraid of anything and really appreciate everything.

I know things will turn up, they always do, I just need to find a place that doesn't have winter-weather. My mum says that the psych disorder where you get depressed runs in the family, but I personally just see it as a vitamin D deficiency, it's physical, not mental. But anyway. Guess that's all I had to say really, if anyone has any sort of advice, feel free to drop it and if you're the religious sort, pray.

-Dutch

[Otterling]

*clings* Hey, sometimes, it's a good thing to just let it out. I'm glad you trusted us all enough to do so. I wish I could offer some sound advice that will make everything better but unfortunately that just isn't the way the world works. What I CAN do is offer you an ear, someone to be silly with, and a friend who is here any time you need one. I won't tell you that "I understand" because I think such comments are insulting. I don't understand. I'm not you. I haven't been through what you've been through, haven't seen what you've seen. So no, I don't understand. I do, however, empathize and I DO know what it's like to go through something very hard.

I'm not going to regale you with what all I've been through or anything because this isn't about ME. It's about you. *hug* What I can tell you though is from experience. There's a great quote I use a lot out here: If you're going through hell....keep going. It makes sense if you look at it. If you're in the middle of something horrible, why stop? You'd be stuck there right? So don't stop. Don't give up, don't back down, don't let life or anyone else get away with that. You survived cancer, you can make it through this too. Just remember that no matter what, you are NOT alone and you have people you can talk to anytime you need them. We're all here for you. Rain or shine. *tight squeeze*

[Dutch]

Y'know, you're a very wise person. But you're right. It doesn't make sense just to stop in the middle of Hell, but it's also important to tackle the demons you meet on the way, right? Yeah, I just countered your reference with another ;D

Thank you, otter.

[Otterling]

Heh, I think Mon'vuuem is wearing off on me...or the other way around. I can never be sure. As for your reference, yes, it is indeed important to tackle the demons along the way. Just remember though that the only demons that can ever TRULY stop us are the ones we make ourselves. So there's a reference to counter your counter of my reference. XD

[Rugs]

A wise man once told me:

Friday must always be Fish Friday.

Bam! How's that for you people and your deep mumbo-jumbo? Whoo!

Er... yeah...

But anyway, yeah, hard times come and hard times go. Just part of living, y'know? And, like otter said, I'm around whenever you need an ear or someone to talk to. After all, you are my Dutchie-poo :3 But you'll get through it. I know you will. (y)

EDIT:

But anyway, yeah, hard times come and hard times go. Just part of living, y'know?

OMFG THAT RHYMES

[Dire Wolf]

Man, I'm around whenever you need an ear to talk to, or vent at. You got my phone number, and its always open to you buddeh. I don't care if its three in the morning and I gotta wake up at five for work. xD Here for you, and yeah... it'll get better, broski. It always does.

btw, I adore you rugs. I really do.

[Deceit *Drinker of Jawa-Juice*]

Max. I noticed the name of this thread, "Dutch's Dumpster" (*good alliteration btw )

I just want you to know that your problems don't belong in a dumpster to us, not unless their done and over. Your apart of this Star Wars, nerdy family of love and drama. Your like, the cool Uncle. And I'm here for you, always, if there's anything you need to ask or question about, drop me a PM or find me on IM if you can. Don't be shy, love muffin.

<3

[Dutch]

Once more, thanks everyone.

[Dutch]

Well, just when I think things can't get worse, another blow is dealt. Not going into much detail, but I'm definitely putting this:

RIP Patches, you'll be sorely missed but always loved my friend.

[Otterling]

*hug* When it rains, it pours, huh? I'm so sorry. :/

[Dutch]

Well, I thought I'd update.

School is goin' OK- lotta canceled classes these past couple weeks, which has been fine by me. Been makin' my work load pretty easy. Mind you, that's school work load.

Money situation has gotten a lot better lately, my grant money from college came in, so I got to pay my landlord off, as well as some vet/ utility bills. So that's nice. And I got my taxes done, getting a really big refund, which is really, really useful. Can pay some more rent off ahead of time. Wonderful!

Aaaand with that money, my fiance and I have been talkin' bout getting another furry friend- the apartment has been awfully lonely without our beloved Patches. And there's always a homeless animal that could use a loving home- and love is what we have to offer. And catnip. We're thinking about getting a female this time, according to my mother in law, our older cat that used to live with them tends to get along with females better- and let's face it, Jerry is definitely a boy. And a young one.

Umm... situation with my family member we suspect is on meth has only gotten worse. Damn my love for Intervention. It is quite scary to watch an episode, and see someone acting EXACTLY like a loved one. Worst part is, I told this person if they did drugs again, I was gone for good. As my father knows, I'm good at disappearing for long periods of time.

Health wise, same as always, battled a stomach flu, now got a sinus cold. As I said to Rugs earlier, I've literally coughed up enough crap to seal a house for the winter. Too bad heat is included with my rent. Sometimes I feel like a Quarian (Mass Effect fans will appreciate), always catching every little virus that waltzes into my home.

Speaking of Mass Effect, holy crap, have you guys played the second one? Holy bleeping trees with bleeps, it's awesome. I've just started my third play-through- and damn is it addicting. When I'm not playing it, I'm thinking of playing it.

Well, I think that's about it. Things are sorta lookin' up, tis nice to not have to worry about bills for the first time in months. However, family issues are as prevalent as always. Be nice to have a simple family life. Something I'm really gonna strive for when my kid is born.

[Dutch]

Man... this winter has been ruthless. Completely and totally.

My health hasn't been well due to stress, still. Doc confirmed it. Classes... well, I've had to drop a couple from missing them due to all the BS that's been going on.

So, I mentioned suspicion of a family member doing drugs. Well, she had to get hospitalized or "pneumonia"- and I had the docs drug test her, and I searched her apartment. Positive for drugs, and found out she's been smoking and injecting her PRESCRIPTION MEDICATIONS. That, would be my mother.

She's lied to me, my fiance, her parents, and everyone else. I'm in bad condition, I won't like. I've had a fever, my chest really hurts, and I feel flushed. As if all the other sh!t wasn't enough, this is the cherry on a crap-tastic sundae.

Why can't something just go right? Please?

[Otterling]

*huge hugs* Oh hon, I wish there were more I could do. There aren't wrods that help at times like these but I'm here if you need anything, and I mean that. You need me to stay up to chat, I'm here. You need me to draw you something to make you smile, consider it done. I will post some new art I hope makes you at least have a moment of happiness today. If there's ANYTHING I can do to cheer you up, take your mind off it, or otherwise help, you just name it. *hug*

[Dutch]

It's almost funny for me to come back and look at this. Three years ago, these were my problems, and it's like... though that stuff sucked, I would kill to trade some of those problems with what I got going on lately.

2012 has by far been the worst year of my life, outside of cancer nearly ten years ago. It started with me more or less losing my scholarship for college, due to some stupid banking technicality that was THEIR fault, but since I signed certain documents... I'm screwed. Luckily, I'm trained in the culinary arts, and recently got hired into a successful restaurant in the area. That job is pretty boss. Rather like it.

Besides reconnecting with my beloved Otterling, that has been the only positive in my life lately. On the 6th of this past June, my mom died. Overdosed on prescription drugs. Funny to look back at my blog, and see that I've been fighting that with her for so long. I thought she was sober, turns out she wasn't, and her heart couldn't take it. Now, my mom and I had some issues, and she was in the wrong to lie to me, and not be straight up. But still, she was one of few people I knew loved me unconditionally, despite her addictions.

The aftermath of that went poorly too, she had left a man I adored and considered a father figure for some scumbag that she moved into her apartment. They guy was a real loser, and he's lucky I've renounced my violent tendencies from when I was younger. He tried to claim all my mom's stuff, her money, her apartment, everything. Luckily, I had the law on my side. Didn't stop him from selling a bunch of her stuff though behind my back. Probably won't ever hear from the cops about it again, he's long gone I'm sure.

I was recovering from that for a while, naturally, a few months wouldn't be enough to recover... but I thought I had support. My wife, the same fiance I spoke of before in the blog, didn't take my mom's death too well, so even though she helped keep me comforted, I carried us through my own mom's death. I shut down for a month after she died, still job hunted, still made sure we were taken care of. But emotionally I was destroyed. I had no clue what was in store for me yet.

Turns out for nearly a year, my wife had been harboring feelings for my best friend. Never told me, even though I would have taken it well. Really, feelings can't be controlled, not like you consciously think "how can I screw over my loving husband?" Instead though, she hid it from me, and eventually told him instead, despite friends and her shrink telling her not to. He apparently never thought of her that way, until she said something. Not surprising he reciprocated after that, guy was still a virgin, let alone never kissed a girl before.

I never thought anything about them hanging out whenever I worked, they have for years, so why would I have been suspicious?

Several weeks ago, she told me they had feelings for each other. And I merely inquired if they'd acted on them. She said no, and I believed her, she was my wife? Why wouldn't I? I should have really seen what was going on...

After that time, she started acting more and more different. She was on the computer constantly, chatting with people. Turns out people was my best friend. All day. Every day. While I worked and supported us. I don't remember it so well, trauma and all, but we had a big argument one day, and she left to go to her parent's house four hours away for a week. I figured that would be good for her, let her remove herself from the situation, relax, etc. When I went up there to pick her up and bring her home, she told me she decided that she was going to stay with me, she had decided.

Again, wish I'd known better. She barely made it a week here before she started a stupid argument over how I looked physically. Which was silly, I had already been exercising and losing weight for weeks by that time. The fight blew out of proportion, and she called him to come pick her up. She stayed there in the spare room for a few days. Came back. Same old story a few days later, one night, she tells me she loves me, only wants to be with me, next, she wants to be with another man, to experience it. I say hell no, I'm her husband, when you get married, you stay faithful, end of story. She left to stay there again.

One day, I dropped by to surprise her after work with some lunch, as I was still devoted and loyal to her, and she meets me outside his apartment. Tells me she 'wasn't good'. Tells me they only made out. I got pissed, left, came home. She called a couple days later, asking to come back, and I said no. Not yet. Wasn't ready to see her. We decide to move her out of the house... into their apartment. Mind you, this was a four bedroom place, and she was going to have her own room and such. I was so blind... So so blind.

We decided to just keep separated for a bit, we still dated, fooled around, spent time with one another a few times a week. It was honestly kind of nice. Things were peaceful.

Until one of their other room mates got the pair to get a hold of me, and tell me what was really happening. Didn't give details, just simply warned me that something wasn't right. I got that message after work at like 2 am. So I went to bed, and had to be at work around 5am, so couldn't call and find out what was going on. Got home later that evening. Before I called my wife, called my "best friend". Asked him what was going on. Coward said no. I said he owed me. He said he doesn't have to say a thing to me. I ask if he's fooling around with my wife. He says that's none of my business. Coward. Lucky he lives far from me.

I call her. She answers all sunshine and rainbows "Hiiii~" and stuff. I ask what's going on. She plays coy. I finally use what I call "The Tone", my don't F*CK with me tone. She tells me she's been close with him this whole time. I ask how close. She says just kissing. I say she's lying. She says third base. I'm already disgusted at this point. But I know when she lies. I call her out again, and again. And it went from they had sex that first time she 'wasn't good' to they were doing it often. And not only that, but she had just started screwing another friend of ours we didn't talk to too often. So in the span of four weeks about, she was screwing three dudes, and none of us knew. Quim.

That day, I told her I was filing for divorce. She begs me not to. I call her everything I could think of, I tear her down for what she did to me, after I had been helping her pay rent, pay for food, take her out to dates, and just being the loving, supporting husband I am.

She tried to kill herself minutes later. Takes a whole bottle of prescription pills and chugs a liter of booze. I call the coward and demand he take her to the ER. They do. I spend the afternoon in a frenzy of anger, hurt, and panic, unsure what to do. Do I go and show I'm worried? Or do I cut her off right then and there. Some sound advice from a friend here (you know who you are, and thank you) and I went to the ER to check on her. She's fine physically, but went catatonic from emotional stress. She recovered. We went outside to talk while the coward followed us. I told him I wanted to talk to her alone. He says no. I turn and get in his face, and tell him to stop playing the f**king white knight, and back off. I needed to talk to my wife. He still plays white knight, asks my wife if she'll be ok.

I nearly take him down right there. But again, I fight fairly. I'm a trained boxer, he's got the muscle definition of pasta. Once again, another person lucky I've dropped my violent streak.

Her and I talk for a couple hours. Mostly her apologizing in a huffy sort of way. Like I owed her something. Like I was to blame for her being at the ER. I tell her, she needs counseling, and the hospital had apparently already set her up with a new shrink. Thing is, I know addict behaviors, and she was showing signs of a hallmark sex addict. Sounds awesome, I know, but no. The hiding, the shame, the constant lies, the victim complex. I was staring at my mother all over again. Addicts seem to know I can be used due to my loyalty.

I tell her she's no longer welcome at my home. She tries to pull the "we're both on the lease" thing, but she hadn't contributed a dime to rent in years. I tell her that unless she pays me back 1/2 that rent, a few thousand dollars, she ain't coming near my home. I also tell her, she'll be getting divorce papers. We are through.

She asks if it's forever. I said you've lost me as your husband, and unless you really make some changes, you've lost me as your friend as well. We'll see if she makes those changes, but outside of dividing our stuff in a few weeks, I don't want to see or hear from her for at least a couple years. I need to focus on myself now.

The divorce was started a couple weeks ago, now as most people know, it's not immediate... and that kills me. I'm lucky I have a job that I'm almost constantly at- usually work 10 hour days nearly every day. But when I get home, and it's silent... it gets to me.

I've lost all my friends in the area from this, the coward and I were the nucleus to our little group, and during and after, I've never heard from any of them really. Just a single neighbor who uses me to run errands. Well, not anymore. I'll talk to the lady, but I'm no ones errand boy.

Loneliness is crippling, when you don't feel anyone touch you in any way for a long time, you begin to feel different. I go entire days without verbally saying anything to anyone. It's odd.

For the first few weeks of this fiasco, I couldn't eat, or sleep. The only thing that helped me sleep during that time, was Kella literally reading to me until I fell asleep over skype. There are few people in this life I'd describe as angels. Kella is one. Bless you child, I adore you.

I start recovering a bit for a few days, but my dad then calls me. My uncle has cancer- something that hits home for me- and has maybe 2 years left to live.

Which basically means in a span of 6 months, i lose my mother, my best friend, my uncle, and my wife, with whom despite all this, I still love, and it breaks my heart to know she's out there barely fending for herself. And then I get sick at the thought of MY beloved opening her legs for other men. It really messes with me, makes me think those violent thoughts I don't want. It makes me want to crawl up into a ball and die.

My heart is literally broken.

At this job of mine, I'm the kitchen manager, which automatically means can't get overly friendly with my staff. Sure, I have fun, and joke, and whatever. But they're literally my only physical social contact. I want company, but from this... I am so terrified to let anyone in. To be near others. I'm so, so afraid to get hurt like this. Almost to the point where I never want to date anyone again, let alone maybe remarry. Twenty-four, and I'm a divorcee.

Like some big black X on me, some label that for some reason, I'm unworthy to stay married. Now I know the statistics, but my ex and I, we were closer than anyone else I'd ever seen. Whenever it was her time of the month, I'D feel cramps and get an acne outbreak too. We were intuitive with what we thought, what we said. She knows me better than anyone else, she's literally the only person I've ever fully, completely, disclosed myself to. And she took that and wrenched me apart. Despite knowing that in my life, those that were supposed to be loved ones, have always cut me the deepest. Needless to say, I have a long line of being betrayed.

I'm being more cautious now though. Learning what to watch out for. It's a valuable lesson, but makes me feel so alienated from the world.

I still barely eat, and sleep is a joke. I can fall asleep fine it seems this past week or so. But staying asleep never happens. I have nightmares, and wake up screaming, crying, drenched with sweat. So vivid, so real. I'm actually being sent home by my boss from the way I look sometimes. Time means nothing to me anymore, I do the same thing all day every day. Wake up. Go for run. Shower. Work. Computer. Bed. Repeat.

It's nice not to have to think... but I have so little in the way of hope anymore. Sadly, the only thing I have to look forward to at all right now is Thanksgiving at Moonfire and Cain's place. I have no friends around here, and my family disowned me long ago for no longer following their religion.

If it wasn't for SWU and its people... I don't honestly think I'd still be here. I'm broken in so many ways now, and it's taking me a lot of time to collect them...

There has been a few upsides for me though. I've lost close to 80 lbs from exercising, and, well, not eating, since this whole thing with my ex started. I look good, I feel good physically. By the time I get on the computer in the afternoon, I've made sure I'm exhausted physically. Just difficult to rest my mind and emotions. I've also packed on a ton of muscle from lifting stuff around the kitchen. 50+ lbs of boxes, bags, and other stuff. Can lift 50 lbs one handed now, and do it comfortably. I'm impressed myself.

The top of this year though, has been returning to SWU, and more importantly, getting back in touch with my friends here. I felt so, so awful about leaving three years ago, but at the time, it had to be done. Always told myself though, if I'm ever a bachelor again, I'd come back. It's been great catching up with everyone, and seeing them grow. Hell, Kella was 15 last I saw! Now she's in college! Same with Squee! WTF!

Also, as some of you know, my dearest friend here was someone named Otterling, who left shortly after I did I'm told. Well, just a couple days ago, we reconnected, and she's gonna come back- just lightly though, girl's a busy woman. Otterling was another person I've opened up to, on a level close to my ex. And as much as I love everyone who I talk to here, they know she was someone special to me, and it's just so nice to reconnect.

So, despite my entire world being shattered, and now living alone for the first time, ever, I'm doing... decent. I still can't really eat or sleep, and I miss my wife- ex wife- something terrible... but I'm still going. I've survived cancer, this isn't much different. Just like waiting for chemo to work, I have to wait for time to pass so I can let these wounds heal.

Thanks to those who've been helping me with that, you know who you are.

-Dutch

[Dutch]

Oh god! DOUBLE POST! D<

Yeah...

Anyway, thought I'd post a bit of an update.

So, today I've finally succumbed to a cold or flu or something I've been fighting for days. Chilled to the bone, screeeeeeeaming headache, shaky, it's awful. Not to mention sours my mood something terrible. Sad thing with this though, is it's the first time I've been really sick sick since the divorce. Back when things were better, being sick was actually kinda awesome. Cuddle up on the bed/couch, be coddled a little bit, feel comforted. I really miss that feeling.

Comfort in general is something I feel I'm lacking lately. As Otter recently pointed out... I've been kinda working myself ragged, and it's finally catching up to me physically. Actually didn't run this morning, slept in an extra hour instead, and have felt crappy since. But when sick, running outside in the cold and getting sweaty would probably be a bad idea.

Not to mention, my appetite is still nearly nonexistent. I really only eat at work. Which probably isn't helping my energy levels, but it's just something I don't think of anymore. Heh, living off beer, coffee, and cigarettes lately. Diet of champions eh?

Really though, the worst is I'm still quite lonely. Naturally being able to be active here and on skype with my friends I've made is lovely, and really helps quite a lot. But there are times where I just kinda want a hug. As a few of you know, I did hook up with someone at a party a week or so ago. And as awesome as that was, it's not the same as just being close with another. My best buddy in the area comes over every now and then, but I've only known him like 3 months, so with recent events really kinda watching what I do and say around others. I still panic at the thought of getting much closer to anyone. Which I know, I see the irony of the situation. I want to be close to another person so terribly bad, but I'm scared stiff at the thought of being hurt again.

Physical pain I can deal with easily. This emotional crap though? It's just a poison. Eats you alive from the inside. And leaves nothing in its wake.

Supposed to see the Ex tomorrow. She has a few personal stuff to collect. I'm a bit shaken up by this though. Last time I saw her, was by accident, and it left me weeping and shaking for hours afterwards. What is going to happen tomorrow? When she's back inside the home we built together? I know I won't do anything stupid like tell her to come home, and we'll work things out. Past that point. If she had really wanted that, she'd have gone into counseling with me like I suggested, not gone off to bang other dudes.

I just don't know what to do with myself lately. I'm far from suicidal, but I'm also having trouble seeing a point to all this. Why work so hard, at work, on myself, when there's nothing to really show for it?

I dunno, didn't want to end on a depressing note, but that's just sort of what's knocking around my mind these past few days.

Yup.

[Dutch]

Hooooooooooooono. Triple post. Word.

Well, the Ex never came over, never even called. Coward. Just fyi on that.

Had a thought here. Already in a bit of a somber mood today, most of that is being tired from a 12 hour shift. No break. That. Sucked.

And I guess not really a thought as something I noticed, and I dunno, feel weird about. Looked at a spot on my desk, and saw the things that really more or less define my life these days. Cans of beer, cans of energy drinks, and packs of cigarettes, most empty.

Still not eating well. Dunno if my stomach shrank or what, but I still have no appetite. I honestly am getting concerned by that. I eat maybe every other day. Despite working in a restaurant.

I dunno. I have a couple things to look forward to this year. But they really can't get here soon enough. I'm meeting Otter for the first time in person at a Supernatural Convention in Chicago- my home town- which is suuuuuuuuuuper exciting.

And of course, SWUsgiving. Can't wait for that either. Gonna make Mooney, Cain and Kella 'splode with my cooking skills.

Guess that's all I have right now. Much love.

-Daddy Dutch

[Dutch]

Quadruple post.... that's just sad.

Didn't realize it had been so long since I gave ya'll an update. You deserve one considering I'm still not as active as I'd like to be. To be honest, I just haven't felt inspired lately. Kinda lead a soul crushing existence as we speak.

Haven't heard from the ex at all in a long time. This is good. I still hear things about what she's up to, and trip over pics online or whatever by accident.

I hate to admit it. But I miss her. Or who she used to be to be exact.

Health wise I'm doing better I think. Don't drink booze really anymore, and been rocking a gluten-free diet for weeks now, been doing good for my weight loss. Working out a lot helps too. I'm nearly back to my weight/shape from when I boxed, maybe try to find some local gyms to fight in. Been really in the mood to beat someone's face in.

Still not eating enough I think. My average food consumption is like a taco a day, and that's it. I don't mind it, but that's what kinda scares me, that I'm getting comfortable with not taking care of myself.

So both those things I mentioned that I was looking forward to? The only things I had? Well things came up, and couldn't meet Otter in Chicago. And SWUsgiving is a no-go now as well, least for me. Which leaves me here with... nothing.

My personal life has gone to sh** lately. Just feel like I'm being used or ignored by everyone around me. Not dating anyone anymore, not even trying to hook up really. Mostly because I kinda let myself get crushed by someone. Not even intentionally, just got my hopes up.

Met this girl at work couple weeks back. Her name is Sarah. Dance major at the local university, sweet, intelligent, beautiful, we started talking over our mutual love for fish tacos... it was a wonderful, delightful hour we spent just chit chatting and getting to know each other. I couldn't believe it... I had met someone that gave me that feeling again. Hope.

Until we began texting and talking and getting to know each other better... to discover she's gay, with zero interest. I'm still happy I got a friend out of that beautiful memory... but massively disappointed in myself. After everything that happened to me, after I thought I was smarter now since the divorce... I still just fall head over heels.

I'm pathetic sometimes.

I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore. My trust is tough to gain, and only a couple people can claim to even have a smidge of it. Unfortunately... those people I never seem to talk to anymore. Between my work and others, I rarely get to talk with the people who comfort me the most. Leaving me feeling... abandoned. Again, pathetic.

Only thing I'm glad for, is that my housing/internet is finally stable. Got an apartment with a coworker, and despite her being rather... neurotic and bossy, I really like it here. Lots of nature, good amount of space, dirt cheap rent. I make it in 1/2 a paycheck, that's boss.

Just shows the old saying: Money can't buy happiness.

Lessons kids, learn them. I sure need to.

-Dutch

[Dutch]

don't even know why I post here anymore. Fifth post in a row.

So right now. I'm really drunk. Warning ahead of time.

Things... are getting worse for me. Thanksgiving is coming up next week. I'm going to spend it completely alone. I'd be lying if I said I was ok with that. Thanksgiving usually meant going to the in-law's house for tons of booze, food, weed, and awesome company. I f**king loved going there for the holidays. I'm missing them all so much. Once again, my family has been torn from me. Am I ever going to feel like I have one again? Or am I doomed to watch other people's lives with envy?

I dunno what I'm doing anymore... I'm in so much pain so often now. Not just physical from after chemotherapy effects. Those I'm used to. It's this emotional bullpoodoo I can't do anymore. More and more I feel my self drifting from people. I'm afraid of what it means. I'm afraid my future is being more and more set into stone. Is this what I'm meant to be? A workaholic with no social life and no comfort from anything besides drugs? Just one of those lonely wretches you see sitting alone at a coffee shop, desperate to say anything to the waitress just for human contact?

I'm told to not lose hope. I'm told to keep pushing, it'll get better. But it hasn't. People have told me this since my mom died. MY MOM. MY MOTHER. Do you even know what that's like? To have the one person who's supposed to love you unconditionally just RIPPED from you? Shit. Shouldn't rant like this hear, but that's what booze is for I guess. Just this thanksgiving crap. I hear people at work, co workers and customers alike talking about seeing their families, plans with loved ones... and I just think about how this year I'll be completely alone... and be reminded that in the same year, I lost my mom and my in-laws. I miss them all so much. It kills me.

Isn't family supposed to be unconditional? Loving? Aren't we supposed to know that no matter what, someone in our family wants us? How the fuck is ssomeone supposed to live when they are literally unwanted by anyone? Let alone their flesh and blood? You'd think after knowing a relative LOST THEIR MOTHER, you'd want to keep tabs on them. Or maybe that's just me. Too damned nice. always have been. ANd I fucking hate it. Wish I didn't feel this crap. Wish I could just turn it all off. Just temporarily. I sure don't want to die or any crap like that. I just don't want to feel anymore for a while.

[Deleted]

It's indeed not the same and i know the feeling, i've had many past issues with my family.

I know what you're looking for and want and need. But remember you always have a family here at SWU, we care man. Hell your like a brother to me, always remember you're never truly alone. We're here for you. Unconditionally.

[Dutch]

Thanks Koe- I know.

Update time, bout a month later lol. Woops.

Y'know. Imma hit this first then do a post here ...



finally found a decent reason to use that gif!

There we go. That's better. Best thing about having money, being able to afford some good stuff.

Jeez, lotta stuff has happened since I last updated. Well a lot, but not gonna mention all of it. Mainly my frustration with women lately. Now I ain't bashing the gender, I love women, as many of you well know.

More specifically, I'm tired of seeming to be attracted to either A: Women that are married, or B: Women who have no interest in me.

Like no joke, it's like after those first couple months from being divorced, I've had like no female company outside my friend, who is quite in the friend zone for me. Don't get me wrong, I'd toast her rump in a heartbeat, but she's with a bro of mine, so I ain't gonna even try to think that way.

But with how often I work, the only place I have to meet women... is at work. Co-workers obviously out of the questions, and even if I wasn't their manager, not a single one available of course. So no action there, and for customers, that's a little weird, I'm too much of a professional. Dammit.

So I had more, but forgot what I wanted to talk about. Yup.