Dutch's Dumpster

[Mara]

Well, I have a similar problem, with being attracted to unattainable guys (they all seem to be attached, gay, or in another country)... So it happens to everyone.


Plus, the majority of my coworkers were female, so... ;p

[Dutch]

Ain't that the truth chica? Also, thanks for commenting. Least I know somebody is reading these random ass rants of a stoner XD

Soooo it's update time! Exactly a month later lol!

Been an interesting few weeks for me. Actually saw someone steadily there for a bit, but it didn't last. Not quite ready to do the relationship thing yet. Carrie was nice, but I just didn't feel any sort of connection with her, y'know?

So been pretty content in general. Got pretty depressed around the holidays- was hard not to after living a certain way for a while. But some friends really came through for me, my buddy Geronimo, and all you guys here at SWU. Ya'll know which ones you are that were there for me, thanks. I love you guys ^___^

This time of the year is simply nutty for me, in the span of like two weeks there's Yule, New Years, and my birthday all at once. Didn't get anything in the form of gifts, but I'm fine with that. Well, I wouldn't say I didn't get anything. Lololololollolol

Some of you probably realize why that's funny. Get it? Sex pun? :3

But you nose

^ see that? Another joke in regards to that awesome night. :3

So yeah, my birthday was honestly the best I've had in years. No big party. No cake. But I didn't miss any of it. Went to one of my favorite bars, played a bunch of pool, drank myself silly, and got an AWESOME surprise gift that would be illegal to describe here XD

Had a bit of a scare at work, but I think it's behind me. Thinking of moving out of this apartment. I love the place, I love the rent, I love the location, I love the neighbors.

But my room mate is frakkin crazy. Like, legit bananas. My buddy Josh and I were talkin about getting a place. I'd like that a lot, he's a straight up dude, and one of few I feel genuinely has my back. I hope we really rock this bromance. We all saw the result of my last one XD

Did I mention I found out my exwife has to move in with his mom cause they can't afford their place anymore?

KARMA BETCH! AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Heh, as I think ya'll can see, I'm doing a bit better it seems. I'm still getting into better and better shape, and really starting to notice it and get compliments from people. It's really nice. Nearly at 100 lbs lost ;D

Pretty excited for stuff around SWU lately too. The tourney has kicked off, my first grading for Cain and Juzt, and even at one post each, I'm already having a blast with this. Good luck to everyone! I can't wait to curbstomp you all! <3

And the Winter Awards! I am SO happy we are rocking these again. It's just a delightful, unifying event for SWU, and it just makes me smile to see everyone appreciating everyone. I'll take this moment to thanks all of you for all your nominations. It really does boost your self-esteem quite a lot when you see a surprise nomination you weren't expecting. Makes me feel like ya'll appreciate me, and makes me appreciate you. Ya'll know Uncle Dutch will always be here to help as ya'll need it :3

Characters have been kinda fun for me to muse on lately. Y'know what? As I'm sittin here at 4 in the mornin (job lol) and updating this, I realize I've never really given ya'll a behind the scenes into my thoughts on SWU. Hm...

Oh! Characters! Yes!

So, since returning I've made a few new denizens to add to the village in my mind. I'll comment on each individually:

Jess: Ooooooh myyyy gooooooood. So I thought I'd have fun writing this dude, but I neeeeeeeeeever expected the type of impact he's made on the board as a whole. I thought he'd make a good match to study under Renata (<3) but I had no idea how else he would clash with others. I'm in SO many threads with this green bastard, and I do mean bastard, he's just so... fuggin smarmy and sleazy XD From Danica, to Tesa, to Bellinda, to Renata, to Gabby, and to Zarene.... I just love each interaction per them. Just omg Jess, you're here to stay you slimey git!

Corunna: What was just a random idea turned into one of my favorite bios to write. I haven't really had much of a chance to post with her, but she was more meant for the big battle threads as a commander of sorts. Also, as the sister of the High Chancellor, I could use her in more political aspects, which excites me. Also! Writing as a mother, a feeling I'll NEVER experience, is interesting, really challenges me as a writer to see if I can pull it off. Can't wait for Thila to progress so I can get a chance to play her!

Lalo: Hoooooo! Is it just me or did it get hotter in here? XD So I have this one comic strip, seen here:

browse.deviantart.com/?q=my+hero#/d4sr1ot

Just... my god. Especially after my divorce, this really just spoke to me, and gave me hope. Lalo started out inspired by the Hero, mostly the way he evolves and changes in his journey. Lalo's entire bio was actually done per how each unique mark was given on his body... and wow, it was amazing to write, a treat every session. He really didn't steal me away until my darling Squee and I decided that our Humani would be a pair, and their bios were mostly the duo searching the stars for one another for fifteen years... and we're gonna rp out the reunion. Just guh, them feels, gonna steal some hearts I think. Also: 2steamy :3

Janner: He's in incomplete right now, but I'm still slowly pondering and working on him. A badass Jedi-Hunter of Boba Fett level badassery. An avatar of vengeance, he is meant to be my salty old man. Also to show that non-forcies can truly be a thread to them Jedi bastards. Once he's finished, I plan on him being whispered in fear by others. Republic's Most Wanted, ho-yesplz.

Lima: FINALLY got a GMA up! That was like 3 years in the making. Originally she was meant to be Foxtrot, but went with Lima instead. Her concept stayed the same though, a poster child for GM to show off. Deadly, efficient, perfect. Really she kinda creeps me out, how she's trained to fake emotions, but is dead on the inside. Gives me chills. lkjsfg

Can not WAIT to get the next GMA plot thread goin, the Masquerade. Especially now since Kella and I decided that each GMA's costume must be themed with the animal they identify the character with. Lima is totes a lioness >3

Halli: So, this little bundle of sunshine isn't finished yet. However, she's already stolen my heart as my most beloved character. Her upbringing in my mind was a little mixed. From some song lyrics I'd been listening to, to really diggin the new Dredd movie, to wanting to own a Jedi cliche and just wanting a new Forcie somehow lead to my little paint-spattered mutt. Her racial thing was at first gonna be a new custom species I had planned, but got lazy cause work's been nuts. So instead I thought "Wonder what someone raised in the slums of Coruscant be?" And I realized, chances are, they'd be a crazy hybrid from all the various races that all live around there. So I just keep slapping in races as I think of them, and she's already like 5 different types of near human XD

Jeeze I'm ramblin on here. Here's more! =D

Halli's cliche she's owning is the 'female messed up from physical abuse' one. As Jedi mod, I really do see quite cliched things happening to them. Namely sexual abuse. Mother of god is there any Paddy's sacred? Apparently not. NEITHER IS SHE! AAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA! but, she's different. I actually collaborated a bit with Necrofear (<3) and none other than Darth Eurachis will be making several cameos in her profile. Woo! I love the hell outta the dude, and to have such a pivotal character to the site actually be tied to one of mine, just honors me in a way.

omg moar babbles!

Then she sorta evolved into me thinking 'hey, why not have her tied to as many other writers as possible?' from that came the AMAZING Bells/Halli/Karon plots, came a hero worship of Jace, came a protege of Roq's, from the prey of Eurachis, the the victim of Mandalore. Just... my god guys, thanks! I'm so pleased at all the rp potential with ya'll XD

I could go on more, but I think I'll spare every one :3

So, quite a few, and of course, nice to play the friendly faces of Levin, Cyar, Ruck and especially Dutch. They've undergone a tiny bit of change in how I play them. Except Ruck. He hasn't changed at all. And I mean his clothes, my god do they stink, no washes after like 3 years, wtf man?

o/\o

...

o/\o

...

you're lucky you crack me up

^/\^

I think that's all I have to reflect on. I'm happy inebriated at this point (as if you couldn't tell, I'm so sorry for the rambles!) and think I am gonna go watch something and snooze. Maybe some Game of Thrones, which I've REALLY gotten into. Seen all the show, and have started reading the books. I am so in love.

Thanks for reading! (Mara, lol)

<3

-Dutch

[Mara]

No probs.

[Killik]

Glad to see that you're doing better, mah friend. Remember, if you're ever feeling down, you can always come spam with me. <3

Spam buddies for eva!

[Dutch]

Well, seems I went and forgot to update this, like six or seven weeks later.

Suppose now is as good as a time as ever, as I just can't seem to post the past couple weeks. Most of that is due to overworking myself. My restaurant is in a bit of an employment flux, which means us supervisors/ managers gotta pull some crazy hours. I haven't had a day off in... like 13 days, and I don't see another for another week or so, if I'm lucky. Great for saving money, not so great for my mind and body, both which are exhausted to the point that I've been having these like exhaustion/panic attacks at home. My body just like, goes into shock or something. I get dizzy, I get panicky, and I just need to lay down and close my eyes until the world stops spinning. If I wasn't healthier than I've been in years and years, I'd be more concerned. Speaking of which, a big moment happened last week. Officially dropped 100 lbs since I started working at it. I feel like a whole other person, and am massively embarrassed by how I used to look. Though I do force myself to look at pics of fatass self to kinda remind me not to stop keeping myself good.

Which I have been lately, physically at least. I don't really smoke all that much anymore, and have decided to stop drinking for a while. My mind is already so clouded from being tired, and when I drink/ get high, all I wanna do is sleep when the fun starts. I've cut all caffeine except for black coffee/tea as well. Which may have been a bad idea considering the 50-60 hour work weeks I've been pulling. But it's worth it I think. Quite pleased with my appearance lately, more specifically how well I take care of myself lately. I work out often, and really can tell how much stronger I've gotten. Working the kitchen helps, like the other day, working prep (cause despite my promotion, I'm still one of few that knows the kitchen as well as I do) and was bringing in produce bags (onions/peppers) that we keep in these 50lb bags, and I friggin had one hoisted in each arm.

That was a pretty awesome moment, cause I barely felt them as I held them. Also, whenever I had someone something I don't find difficult, I always fight a smile when they need to hands to handle something I was fine holding in one.

But I digress. So, taking care of self, right.

Along with the exercise, I'm trying real hard to stay clean/groomed. After every work out I take some time to preen and trim myself. Quite chuffed at my beard lately, it def helps when it's so cold outside. Speaking of that, got a new coat. A leather bomber-style one I think I look quite dapper in. My old one was simply way too large on me, and was ripped/ragged and looked terrible. This one has a lovely wool lining that keeps me quite warm. My Geronimo sold it to me for dirt cheap, so that's nice.

However, he sold it to me because he moved to Florida last week. My only real friend in the city is now gone. I miss him. On top of that, for weeks now, my other buddy has just been... negative, and downright rude to me lately despite me doing my best to be his bud still. I've all together gave up on trying to reach out to him. He always turns down any offers to hang out, or talk, or anything. Then he quit the restaurant. *shakes head* The two guys I felt closest to are both gone now. Hey there abandonment issues. I didn't forget you. Sigh.

Not to say I'm totally alone up here. I do have a couple people I'd consider friends. Josh I've mentioned before, he's still pretty legit, but I've been noticing the difference between the paces we take life. Where as I prefer to take things a bit more leisurely, he's more gogogo. And I really am not that way. He wants to go out to bars always, and party, and drink, and smoke, and blah blah blah. I really don't, gotten to the age where that just doesn't appeal to me so much anymore. I get enough craziness at work, I need some time to recover/rest still. Plus, found out he's moving soon too.

And then there's Anita. Oh how I wish Anita wasn't married lol. She's just a real sweetie, and keeps up with my wit and banter like a champ. When we work together, we have far too much fun. However, because she is married, and a mom on top of that, she's quite busy outside work. She did surprise me with some chicken noodle soup she made from scratch today. That was a real boost for me, as I haven't eaten home cooked food in a long, long time. I don't count what I cook, cause that's more out of necessity than anything else, there's just something about comfort food cooked by someone for you. I miss the feeling.

Same kinda goes on the relationship spectrum lately. I'm just... so pulled in so many direction lately. I hate being single. I really really do. Sure, I have my hi-jinks every now and then, but are they overly satisfying? No. And if I'm honest with ya'll, kinda embarrassed by them. Like this past weekend, went to a party that was fucking nuts, but really felt out of place the whole time. From what I remember at least. After that is when I kinda saw myself going a direction I wasn't liking, and decided to veer away.

What I really want still, is to just be settled in with someone I'm connected to. I've been alone for so much of my life, and I'm just tired of it. Someone really kinda summed it up for me well though, and was a statement that really clicked with me. Her and I were texting, and I forget how it came up, but she said

"You just want a best friend. More than that, you really want to be able to attach yourself to a lady. Maybe you're... putting out there too much. You want this badly, so you're doggedly pursuing it, and people feel bulldozed just a little. Pursue, but be conscious of people's personal space and need to grow comfortable and adjust to the strength of your personality, because you can be quite overpowering"

Believe it or not, that was from an 18 year old. She never ceases to amaze me with her wisdom, you know who you are. I've been thinking on that ever since, and I often do forget that I'm... not exactly a subtle person. I'm always told I wear my heart on my sleeve, if I feel something, you can tell just by looking at me. Which I know is true, but since when was that a bad thing? I can't stand it personally when I can't tell what someone is thinking/ feeling. I mean... if people made it more obvious, I'd understand them more I think. But I just don't, I'm terrible at reading intentions these days, and it gets me so paranoid of others.

Still painfully alone, still agonizingly afraid of being hurt by people. Wtf.

It is true though, I really do want to be apart of a couple again. I'm good at that. I know I am. The key is one day finding someone that compliments me. Not to say that there isn't a couple potentials, but both have their frustrations. Both I don't really know all too well, but both I'm quite attracted to on several levels. However one lives long distance, while the other never really returns calls or texts. It frustrates me to no end. I mean, I haven't even legit hugged anyone in so long, the last I remember was at my mom's funeral in June... it makes me feel weird and alienated.

Especially when all my best friends in life live dotted across the country, and I've never actually met any of them. That's a weird concept, because I know I'm loved, and I know there's people who can handle me... but none are anywhere near me. Though I'm seeing a couple of them in April when I go to Philly for Moonfire 's 21st birthday. I'm really looking forward to this. Though if I'm completely honest, which I should considering I use this as a sort of mental dump, and should be honest in my thoughts, I'm already expecting to fall through. I've come to just keep that in the back of my mind. I try to see it as having a healthy dose of skepticism, over negative thinking. It's so hard to tell the difference sometimes though.

Don't get me wrong though, my life has its positives. The main being my health obviously, but being financially comfortable and occupationally secure is nice. Plus there's SWU of course. Which btw, I'm so, so sorry to people I'm threading with, but just haven't posted for the past couple weeks. My mind is so deep fried from overworking my self, that it's just nigh impossible to think creatively most days. I'm honestly shocked that I've even been able to post at all.

I had more I wanted to talk about, but if I'm honest, just sorta hit a wall. I'm tired, and can't really remember what I wanted to talk about anymore. Suppose I'll update this later. Knowing me, prolly about a month later lol.

Let's hope my next post here has me discussing more good things than frustrations.

Let's hope.

Also, wanted to say thank you to Moonfire and Squee for their kindness and love. You two treat me better than my biological little sister. Thank you, I really don't think I could keep doing this without you two.

-Dutch

[Squee]

<3

[Moonfire]

<333333