John Kearon

[fulhamfan7070]

Name:John Kearon
Race:Human
Age:34
Height:6'11
Weight:212 lbs
Appearance:Dark brown hair(short) with green eyes,light but not necessarily pale skin,with standard jedi robes.Build is rather lean, and his muscle,though impressive is hidden under his robes.
Birth place:Kamino

Faction:Jedi
Rank:Guardian

Bio:Born on Kamino where he barely met his parents and he doesn't remember that.In a money crisis, his parents felt they had no choice,so he was sold as an orphan slave to a shop manager on Tatooene where he lived for 3 years doing small jobs, such as handing tools to his owner, or carrying small parts back and forth,giving him a strength boost from the beginning.When a family of locals bought him off the owner for mostly all of their money,he was 4,he loved these people and thought they were his genetic family .When he was 6 years old a Jedi Came around on a mission and sensed the force in him, he was brought back to the council where they decided to make him a jedi.As a youngling he had trouble grasping the concept of the force and trained primarily with a lightsaber.In training where he wasn't able to look and he couldn't sense the small droids,he started to flail his lightsaber wildly and hardly hit them so he learned to listen to them,his sense at all rest with this.After getting the aim of the jedi,he became pretty cocky,one of his attributes he still has at current tines.Being an apprentice he had minor diplomatic missions with his master and fought a Dark Jedi, his master was killed and he killed the Dark Jedi. He was placed with a different master in which he felt as a father Character,in fact the biggest one in his life.Going on many missions,defeating many enemys.Then his second master was killed,It pained him so much at the age of 21,for another year he was trained by a third master, which he never liked nearly as much after a year,he was promoted to a Jedi Knight after finishing the rest of the trials.In that time he trained and honed his battle skills to the maximum.And went on many missions, and stood in as a temporary mentor to another Jedi when his master was hurt. Then became a guardian and became learned in the art of lightsaber to such an extent that he thinks himself a master and now trains in the art of fighting with his lightsaber backward.His main motivation now is going back to kamino to find the genetic parents he learned of when he was a Jedi Knight, and has sought them out for half of his life.

Lightsaber:One blade that is abnormally long(about 4 in. longer than a standard length Jedi Lightaber.
Color:A pale blueish color

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho:5
Makashi:1
Soresu:5
Ataru:N/A
Shien / Djem So
>>Sub-form Backhanded:5
Niman
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield:1
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat:N/A

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic:5
Telepathic:3
Body:10
Sense:4
Protection:4
Healing:2
Destruction:1

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 1 - 10:9
Intelligence: 1 - 10:6
Speed: 1 – 10:4
Leadership: 1 - 10:5

Unarmed: 1 - 10:6
Melee Weapons: 1 - 10:5
Ranged Weapons: 1 - 10:2

Force Attunement:+7

RP Sample:He crouched, training with droids was a piece of cake.He slashed the droid's legs off and it fell over, he sprung back up stabbed one and it dropped like a dead weight.He kicked another and brought it to the ground, and stomped on it,they next one he forced out his palm and it flew backward, slamming against a wall and clattering to the floor.The man stood up smiled, and walked out the door, which slid open,then shut,his name was John Kearon, Once an Orphan on Tatooene now a jedi guardian on Coursaunt

[Rugs]

Alright, since you were asking for feedback, here are my thoughts and opinions. Now, be aware that this is Kellaishleya's section, and her word supersedes mine.

Anyway:

Height:6'11
Weight:167 lbs

He's almost 7 feet tall and he only weighs 167 lbs? That's really quite light for someone so tall, especially if you want a 9 in strength. Make him shorter, or bring his weight up a bit.

Appearance:Dark brown hair(short) with green eyes

Give us a bit more, please. What's his build like? Skin? Clothing? Any scars? Things like that.

In a money crisis, his parents felt they had no choice,so he was sold as an orphan slave to a shop manager on Tatooene where he lived for 3 years doing small jobs, such as handing tools to his owner, or carrying parts back and forth,giving him a strength boost from the beginning.

Now, I will admit, I'm not the most well versed in child development, but it seems like at three years old he wouldn't really be able to do that much to be of such use to a shop owner. I mean, he might have been able to hand some things to the shop owner just sitting there, but I can't really see the whole carrying parts around.

When he was 6 years old a Jedi Came around and sensed the force in him, he was brought back to the council where they decided to make him a jedi.

Now, I'm assuming he's still on Tatooine at this point, and Tatooine isn't Republic territory. So tell us why the Jedi was out there, as it's not a world they just visit for the heck of it. On a mission, perhaps?

As a youngling he had trouble grasping the concept of the force and trained primarily with a lightsaber.

Mmmk, this is a good starting point, but tell us a bit more of his youngling years. This is the point in life where character starts to emerge, and we start getting a feel for how the character will be later on. So how did he act? Did he make any friends? What was his reaction to struggling with the Force? Did he get frustrated? Did he not care? Things like that. You've got about six years here; you can have a bit of fun with it.

Being an apprentice he had minor diplomatic missions with his master and fought a sith, his master was killed and he killed the sith where he was promoted to a jedi knight.In that time he trained and honed his battle skills to the maximum.

Alright, I got a couple of things here. First, who was his master? It doesn't have to be a character on the site, unless you just want to coordinate with someone and add them in. But still, the Master is a very important person in the Jedi's life, and some insight into who they were, what they were like, how they trained would be great.

Secondly, Sith mentions in bio are a no-no. In our timeline, the Sith Order has only just reformed, and as such, there wouldn't be any Sith for them to fight. There could, however be Dark Jedi.

Also, when did this happen? The minimum age for Knighthood on the site is 22 years old, so I'm going to assume he was at least that old. Even then, that means there's 10 years of what are arguably some of the most important years in the character's life that are unmentioned. So fill those in. And, to be promoted to a Knight, one must face the Jedi Trials. They are a 4 tests that test the Jedi-to-be in a range of areas, from their skill down to their character. Certainly, beating the Dark Jedi could count for some of them--skill, and perhaps flesh, since he lost his master--but not all of them.

Also, what does "trained and honed his battle skills to the maximum" mean?

Then became a guardian and became learned in the art of lightsaber to such an extent that he thinks himself a master and now trains in the art of fighting with his lightsaber backward.

Ah, so he's a bit cocky is he? That can be fun; I've a character of my own that's quite cocky. The thing is, he's got the skill to back it up. But more on that in just a bit.

Also, what has he done in the time since his promotion to knighthood. Surely he's done more than train. He wouldn't be a very productive member of the Order if he hasn't.

Final bio thoughts:
Overall, what this needs more than anything else is detail. It doesn't have to be some massive literary masterpiece, but it needs to be long enough to give us an idea of what your character has been through: their successes, their failures, their motivations, their struggles. Things like that. The bio is what gives us a look into the 'heart' of your character, if you will.

Now, I also saw you say in the cbox that you are working on expanding the bio, so some of this may be moot.

Moving on:

Lightsaber:One blade that is abnormally long

How long is abnormally long? And saber construction is something else you can add to the bio, by the way, since it's a pretty important event in the life of a Jedi.

Shii-Cho:4
Makashi:1
Soresu:2
Ataru:N/A
Shien / Djem So
>>Sub-form Backhanded:3
Niman
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield:1
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat:N/A

This is what I was referencing earlier when I was talking about his skill and cockiness. For someone who's trained their battle skill "to the maximum," he doesn't seem to be that good. Now, Shii-Cho is mastered upon promotion to knighthood, so that can be raised to a 5. As for the rest, since he's a Guardian, he could probably have a 5 in another form and perhaps another, since he's in his thirties. That can be up to Kellaishleya though, since she's the one with approval power.

Telekinetic:5
Telepathic:9
Body:10
Sense:4
Protection:5
Healing:2
Destruction:3

Wait, I thought he wasn't that good with the Force? Body, I can see a good score in, since he's a Guardian, but telepathic? It's not impossible, as such things differ from individual to individual, but that's not a skill Guardians usually focus on. Telekenises could probably be a bit higher though.

Oh, and just so you know, high numbers--from seven up--need some sort of mention in the bio. The higher the number, the more it needs to be mentioned, and a ten is almost always a no-go, so that ten in body will have to come down. And even though I said he could probably get away with a high score in body, it's still gonna need mentioning in-bio.

And why does he have points in destruction? Those powers are associated with the Dark Side, and aren't taught by the Jedi. Where'd he learn them?

Physical Strength: 1 - 10:9
Intelligence: 1 - 10:7
Speed: 1 – 10:7
Leadership: 1 - 10:7

Unarmed: 1 - 10:4
Melee Weapons: 1 - 10:10
Ranged Weapons: 1 - 10:2

I'm not seeing a giant of a man that weighs about as much as someone around eleven inches shorter than him should having a nine in strength. Also, some of those others are going to have to come down, as the physical attributes are high across the board. Generally, a character's strength lies in strength or in speed, not both. Or they can be balanced between the two, but the scores are generally lower for that. Remember, weaknesses make the character as much as strengths do. Also, there's currently nothing in the bio that supports his scores in intelligence and leadership.

The weapons stats look fine, except for the melee score. Know that we separate melee weapons from lightsabers here, so that's not what it is, if that's the reason it's so high. So knock that down a bit.


His attunement is quite high. Note that a +7 is a shining beacon of the light, and there's not really anything in the bio that indicates such devotion to the Light Side. Most Jedi are within the +4 to +5 range.

RP Sample is a bit short. Have some fun with it. Let us see how you'll play the character, or what they're like.

That's all I've got. Yes, I know it's a lot, but character creation is a process that takes some time and care. With some work, I'm sure you'll get up to Shiny status for Kellaishleya, and be on your merry way. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to shoot off a pm to someone or jump down in to the box. We've got some good members who should be more than happy to help you out.

Good luck (y)

[A®heim]

Jan 23, 2010 21:04:10 GMT -5 fulhamfan7070 said:

Name:John Kearon Problem one, John is not nearly Star Warsy enough. The only thing worse is Dave. Everyone knows the only normal name in Star Wars is Luke, which everyone hates...and Ben...and Owen...okay so if you live on Tatooine you can have a normal name...oh...nevermind. (You can name him John, there's no rules against it)
Race:Human .....*sigh*
Age:34
Height:6'11
Weight:212 lbs
Appearance:Dark brown hair(short) with green eyes,light but not necessarily pale skin,with standard jedi robes.Build is rather lean, and his muscle,though impressive is hidden under his robes.
Birth place:Kamino

Faction:Jedi
Rank:Guardian

Bio:Born on Kamino where he barely met his parents and he doesn't remember that.In a money crisis, his parents felt they had no choice,so he was sold as an orphan slave to a shop manager on Tatooene(spelling) where he lived for 3 years doing small jobs, such as handing tools to his owner, or carrying small parts back and forth,giving him a strength boost(this reads too much like an infomercial and less like a story) from the beginning. When a family of locals bought him off the owner for mostly all of their money,he was 4,he loved these people and thought they were his genetic family .When he was 6 years old a Jedi Came around on a mission and sensed the force in him, he was brought back to the council where they decided to make him a jedi.As a youngling he had trouble grasping the concept of the force and trained primarily with a lightsaber.In training where he wasn't able to look and he couldn't sense the small droids,he started to flail his lightsaber wildly and hardly hit them so he learned to listen to them,his sense at all rest with this.After getting the aim of the jedi,he became pretty cocky,one of his attributes he still has at current tines(spelling and infomercial).Being an apprentice he had minor diplomatic missions with his master and fought a Dark Jedi, his master was killed and he killed the Dark Jedi. (How? His MASTER got slaughtered and he, a padawan just managed to kill it? Just like that? NO!) He was placed with a different master in which he felt as a father Character,in fact the biggest one in his life.Going on many missions,defeating many enemys(spelling).Then his second master was killed,It pained him so much at the age of 21,for another year he was trained by a third master, which he never liked nearly as much after a year,he was promoted to a Jedi Knight after finishing the rest of the trials.In that time he trained and honed his battle skills to the maximum.And went on many missions, and stood in as a temporary mentor to another Jedi when his master was hurt. Then became a guardian and became learned in the art of lightsaber to such an extent that he thinks himself a master and now trains in the art of fighting with his lightsaber backward(a reverse grip is not synonymous with mastery, it is simply a style of lightsaber combat).His main motivation now is going back to kamino to find the genetic parents he learned of when he was a Jedi Knight, and has sought them out for half of his life. This bio is WAAAAY to short. It needs detail, it needs substance, it needs PICKLES! Also, please fix the boldishness, it's very annoying.

Lightsaber:One blade that is abnormally long(about 4 in. longer than a standard length Jedi Lightaber.
Color:A pale blueish color

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho:5
Makashi:1
Soresu:5
Ataru:N/A
Shien / Djem So
>>Sub-form Backhanded:5
Niman
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield:1
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat:N/A

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic:5
Telepathic:3
Body:10 No 10's, purely for reference. We might have two characters on the forum with 10's. One runs the Sith and has a 10 in intel, the other is in str and is a battlemech with a brain in it.
Sense:4
Protection:4
Healing:2
Destruction:1

Specialized Skills: Really? None?

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 1 - 10:9
Intelligence: 1 - 10:6
Speed: 1 – 10:4
Leadership: 1 - 10:5

Unarmed: 1 - 10:6
Melee Weapons: 1 - 10:5
Ranged Weapons: 1 - 10:2 please get rid of the "1 - 10" it's confusing

Force Attunement:+7

RP Sample:He crouched, training with droids was a piece of cake.He slashed the droid's legs off and it fell over, he sprung back up stabbed one and it dropped like a dead weight.He kicked another and brought it to the ground, and stomped on it,they next one he forced out his palm and it flew backward, slamming against a wall and clattering to the floor.The man stood up smiled, and walked out the door, which slid open,then shut,his name was John Kearon, Once an Orphan on Tatooene(spelling) now a jedi guardian on Coursaunt(spelling)

Detail.
Detail.
Detail.

Detail.Detail.Detail.



Detail.


That is what this whole thing is lacking and what you need to add if you want this to be approved/anyone to take you seriously. Keep in mind this is an intermediate - advanced site that requires a certain amount of dedication and work.

Also, this is very important, go back and fix all the things that went qrong with your space bar. Seriously.

Oh yeah, and try to do what Rugs asks you to. That's important too. see Rugs? This is why I'm the tech mod.

[fulhamfan7070]

I DID WHAT RUGS ASKED ME TO!!!!!!

[Kella]

Hey there! The friendly Jedi mod here, to say Hallo! Welcome to the site. ;D

Now, I must say even though the owl above was being a bit cheeky, all of his advice was quite sound. Go through and incorporate his suggestions, and once you're done, go ahead and post and let me know.

I'd also recommend going through and spacing out your different paragraphs. So, instead of separating paragraphs like...
this.

Separate them like...

This.

Before you get too far, I have a recommendation. Try checking out Wookieepedia (starwars.wikia.com/) and choosing a race other than Human. There are so many male human Jedi on the site, that I've become quite reluctant in accepting them. Ferrereo, Falleen, and Duros are all pretty close to humans, and can be quite fun to RP. It's much more fun to take an alien species when one is RPing star wars. X)

Also know that if you're going to have a 34-year-old character, you're going to want a bio that's at least 2,000 words. This isn't a strict requirement, but it's enough length that you can really touch on the important things.

The point of making a bio is to, well, characterize your character. X) The two key questions you want to answer are, 'Who are they? Why are they the way they are?' You need to keep these in mind as you write about your character. Adding fluff -- events that don't really matter -- for length is okay, but it's not recommended. It can seem daunting at first, but if you really let your imagination run free, you'll be surprised with what you come up with. X)

Well, that's about all out of me for now. If you have any questions, about anything at all, don't hesitate to let me know. ;D

[fulhamfan7070]

I'm not a good bio writer, what I have is a stretch..... 2,000 words?! can you please do this for me.... I'm really not a bio writer.........pleeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeee

[Mara]

We cannot write for you, but I'm sure Kella or someone else can help you expand it, if you ask.
And reading through some accepted characters can also help you determine a good sound bio.
Length isn't necessarily the most important, but details are.


Also, a little FYI: If you can fix your bold tags, the [/ b], so that you're not bolding the entire app, it would be easier to read. If this doesn't make sense, just let someone know.

[fulhamfan7070]

I know how to do that.....I just don't get why or how it's annoying....

[Dutch]

This is supposed to be your character, and the creation process is indeed a long one. That's why it's important that you do it, not anyone else, otherwise, it wouldn't be yours, it'd be someone else's hard work that you reap the benefits of.

[Mara]

Jan 30, 2010 10:27:23 GMT -5 fulhamfan7070 said:

I know how to do that.....I just don't get why or how it's annoying....

The bold? It's harder to read when the whole thing is in bold, instead of just the category titles.

[Kella]

Moved to Incomplete Profiles due to user inactivity. Will be restored upon request.