(new) Ben Skywalker

[Kella]

Hey there! Kella here, the friendly Jedi mod. Now, being a Jedi is pretty tricky business -- there are a lot of rules to follow, just because of the nature of the order.

Before I look over this, I ask you to read these two threads:

Click here!

And click here!

The info in those threads will guide you through how to create a Jedi. I'll be able to see whether or not you know the info by how you put your bio together, so no skippin' out on the homework, k? ;D Despite the work, creating a Jedi character can really be worth it, if you're willing to stick with it.

In the meantime, you can put the (WIP) tag in your thread title, (work in progress), so you can have a moment of peace to sort things out. When you're ready for me to look over it again, just post and say so.

'til then!

~ Kella

[Kella]

Ah, second link was broken above, I fixed it.

And are you sure? Take your time, you don't want to forget anything. If you want, I'll go ahead and give it the exhaustive review, but I want to give you a chance to go through all the notes and such before hand. Make sure you understand what they're getting at. Again, lemme know when you're ready.

[Kella]

Alrighty, then. I'm a bit tired, so this will be brief, but here you are:

Height: There is no such thing as a six year old who is 5'8. I am 5'4, I am the average height for a female, and I am more than twice his age. X) Most six-year-olds are in the 3' to 4' range.

Weight: I do hope you mean pounds -- for to weigh that much in kilograms and be a shy six years old... deary me, childhood obesity.

Appearance: How is is muscle impressive if, he's six? Or do you mean sixteen? That is a very important '1' there, my friend. I'm going to assume you mean sixteen. You also need to answer this question: What is his demeanor? What sort of first impression does he give people?

--"ben was born on Coruscant, when he was only 2 months old."
If I'm to take this literally, that means he was delivered when he was already two months 'old', which is one massive baby for that poor mother to carry. I'm assuming you wanted the last half of the sentence to be the first part of the next sentence? I'm utterly confused. D:

--"...to be a perfect Jedi..."
Nobody's perfect, and the Jedi know this, so they never try to raise perfect Jedi. Perfect Jedi become conceited, and perfect Jedi become cocky, and then perfect Jedi aren't perfect Jedi anymore. Consider simply saying he was raised to be a Jedi Knight.

Age: He would not have been taken from his mother at age two months for two reasons:
First, he would not have been weaned. It would have been extremely hard on the child developmentally to be separated from his mother at this point.
Two, the signs of force sensitivity don't manifest themselves until the child is a bit older. They would not have turned him over until he was about 18 months.

--"When Ben was growing up at the temple, he made many friends, but was always lonely, becuase he missed his parent a lot. "
How can he miss parents he barely even knew? Why does he miss his parents?

--"Ben claimed to remember his parents, remember what they called him when he was born. "We'll call him Ben" His mom and dad said. "Why ben?" a medical droid replied. "he is to be a warrior. "
Consider this: Do you remember your birth? Most human beings cannot remember anything before about their second birthday. Any memories a person has of this are probably false memories. While that is a possibility here, the Jedi would have provided therapy to relieve him of these false memories. Besides, he was taken so early, he'd have no recollection whatsoever of his parents. To him, the Jedi would be family. His old parents would mean nothing to him -- he wouldn't even recognize them.

--"Which is what ben means. 'Young Warrior'"
I might let this slide, but I'm kind of obsessed with names. X) There is no lingual syntax in which a name so short embodies this sort of meaning without deep contextual embedding. *cough* That is, 'Ben' is too short to mean anything. I guess I can let you slide with making up a meaning for 'Benjamin', but it's really a Hebrew name that means 'Son of my right hand', or 'son of my old age'.



Bio comments:

If Ben is 6, then the level of detail is... acceptable. You have some good details, like mentioning his friendships in the temple, but your details also kind of move in the wrong direction, as aforementioned. However, six-year-olds get pretty much no action.

However, if your character is to be a 16 year old, the standards will be much higher. The object of the bio is to personify your character, to tell who they are, and why they are the way they are. As such, you're going to want to answer certain main questions:
What sort of family was Ben born into? Well to do, poor, okay? Large or small?
When did the Jedi come to ask his parents to take the boy? This would be very close to 18 months, since the boy is on Coruscant, near the Jedi temple.
Did his parents resist the Jedi's taking of their child?
Once at the temple, how did he adjust?
As a youngling, how did he treat his masters? How did he treat his peers? What was his favorite subject to study?
At what age was Ben selected to be a Padawan? Who selected him? Why did they select him? What was this master like?
How well did Ben get along with his master? What sort of things did his master teach him?

What areas did Ben do good in? What areas did he struggle in? Did he lean towards lightsaber combat, or using the Force?

What kind of missions did he go on with his master? Did they work well as a team or not?

What sort of student was he? Studious and attentive, or rebellious and difficult?

Has Ben made his lightsaber yet? If so, when? Does he have any special crystals? If so, where did he find them? How difficult was it for Ben to create his lightsaber?

What has Ben been up to in the recent past? What does he think of the impending war? How close has he become to his master?

~~

I know this seems like a lot, but if you take it step-by-step, bit-by-bit, you'll find yourself with a bio that really shows who your character is. :)

~~

Lightsaber: A Jedi of this age would not have a Hurrikaine crystal, period. The planet isn't one you can just wander to, the people aren't ones you can just become good friends with. Hurrikaine crystals are very, very rare, and only a foolish, arrogant, self-absorbed, conceited Padawan would think for even a moment that it was theirs to keep, when such a treasure truly belonged in the hands of a master. *hem* You're must better off with a crystal from Illum. X) They come in shades of blue and green.


Lightsaber forms: Shii-cho needs to be a 1 if the kid is 6, or a 3 if he's 16. X)

Telekinesis :5 This stat belongs in the appropriate area.

Force Jump/Leap :3 This is Body.

Force Pull/Push :10 This is Telekinesis.

Sense:4 This belongs in the appropriate area.

Force speed:4 This is Body.

Healing:2 This belongs in the appropriate area.

Force seeing:4This is sense.

This is where it becomes obvious me that either you didn't read the resources I gave you, or you did and you just chose to ignore them. I'm trying to make things easy for you, and the applications are designed to be easy for the applicant to use. X) Please don't make things more difficult.

The Force Powers go on a scale from 1-10, with 1 being the worst, and 10 being the best. All Jedi younglings will have a 0 in Destruction, and most Jedi will have a 0 as well, but for the other areas, they'll all have at least a 1. Your Jedi will probably have one 5, oen 4, two 3's, and the rest 1's or 2's.

The specialized force powers is not the place where you list the general powers: those are specifically labeled in the application. In the second link I provided you above, there is another link to a resource that explains the different Force Powers, what they are, etc. It even tells you what are considered specialized powers. You may provide specialized powers with a small description/explanation, but these are not abilities rated with a stat system -- either the Jedi has them, in whatever form, or they don't.

Also not that the specialized Force Powers list is not yours to tamper with as you please. It is structured as it is structured for a reason. Reading of the first link I gave you, or scanning other bios would make this very evident. The reason it's structured the way it is is to make it easy to understand, in a shallow glance, about what your character's strengths and weaknesses are. This cannot be done when the application is shuffled around.

As for attributes, these are rated on a similar scale to Force powers. Note that melee and lightsaber combat are not the same thing, they are taught separately. More information on these can be found in the first link that I gave you. Please think carefully before you choose your attributes. Looking over accepted bios is a great way to get to know what is considered acceptable, and what is not.

I see no reason for his attunement to be anything other than a +1, since you don't tell me if he's ever been tested. It's easy to be a Jedi when one's at the temple, but when one leaves, the true test begins. Jedi have to earn every bit of their skill and light-side devotion, and so does your character.

~~


And that is just about everything for now. I want you to know that I don't intend to come of mean, or snippish. I'm usually a very pleasant person. X) However, it frustrates me when people don't take the help that I'm trying to give them. But I can't help you unless you help yourself. So, the real question here is if you're willing to put in the time and effort. I'm willing to stick by you and help you with the process, if you're willing to go through with it. :) That's m' job, after all. ;D

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask -- I'm happy to help.

~ Kella

[Kella]

Moved to Incomplete Profiles due to user inactivity. Can be restored upon request.