Jasmine Grey [WIP]

[alessia]

Name:Jasmine Grey
Race:Human
Age:13
Height:4’6
Weight:
Appearance: Jasmine wears Expensive clothing,jewelry when shes not training. When she is training, she wears the Jedi robes.
Celeb:Jodelle Ferland
Birth place:

Faction: Jedi
Rank: Padawan

Bio: Jasmine has a natural human ability called Intuitive Aptitude which allows her to understand complex systems with little detail and with ease,she comes from a noble rich family, at the age of 4 she was tooken by the Jedi to be taught in Force. Jasmine practiced her telepathy for hours and hours, with no break until she would simply be to exausted and fall unconsious. The Order started to become amazed by her talent within Telepathy, so they put her in special classes to aid her. On her spare time, she practiced her Telepathy and when her classes came she practiced the other powers.

Lightsaber: Single Phase
Color: Green

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho (2)
Makashi (1)
Soresu (2)
Ataru N/A
Shien / Djem So
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman N/A
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo N/A
Double Bladed Combat N/A

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic: 2
Telepathic: 4
Body: 2
Sense: 2
Protection: 2
Healing: 2
Destruction: 1

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength: 2
Intelligence: 4
Speed: 2
Leadership: 4

Unarmed: 1
Melee Weapons: 2
Ranged Weapons: 1

Force Attunement: +3

RP Sample:

[.:Falcon:.]

Hello Alessia! I'm Falcon, and I'm here to give your bio a review so we can get it all shiny and nice for the Kella. So, without further ado...

I know you're not quite done, so I'm just going to run through real quick, mainly dealing with just a few points and things that jumped out at me.

Her age: When a Jedi turns 13, he/she must have a Master or he/she will be sent to the agricorps, or another area of service. So unless you have a Master lined up for Jasmine, that needs to be changed. 12 will work just as well, but remember you'll still need to have time to find her a Master.

Jasmine wears Expensive clothing,jewelry when shes not training.

I would draw your attention to the bolded part. The Jedi emphasize simplicity, especially in their young ones. Younglings have very few options, mostly because they're young, and they have to perfect self control and all that fun Jedi stuff. So it's very unlikely they would let Jasmine wear expensive clothing most of the time. And, might I point out, younglings and even older Jedi usually are training. That is the Jedi life- training and learning.

Your bio:
The info you have for her life/personality (that we call a bio) is a bit confusing. You have it all mixed up.

We also need a bit more detail. Yes, she's only 12, and not much has happened to her yet, but has she made friends? Or does she have trouble developing personal relationships? If so, why? Has there been a teacher who influenced her especially? If so, how? How does she relate to her fellow younglings?

On another note- what was her family like? Was she an only child, or did she have siblings? How was she treated by her parents? Did they love her, hate her, or were they just there? Did they object to the Jedi taking her away?

Jasmine practiced her telepathy for hours and hours, with no break until she would simply be to exausted and fall unconsious.

I would like to comment on this. I find it unlikely the Masters would let a little girl exhaust herself like this. They would counsel her, help her, and let her know that her self-destructive behavior was not wise.

So then, on to her stats!

At this point in her life, Jasmine would only have training in Shii-Cho. Shii-Cho is the foundation for all other forms, and it must be mastered before one can move on to another- and it isn't mastered until the Padawan years, and often not until later in life, about Knighthood.

In her Force atts- that destructive can become a 0. The Jedi don't teach their younglings to destroy things.

Why is her leadership stat so high? If it's going to be that high, there needs to be explanation in the bio.

Unarmed: 1
Melee Weapons: 2
Ranged Weapons: 1

OK, so if she's going to have stats here, we need explanation. From the info you have in her bio, and her stats, it sounds like Jas is really more Force-oriented. Which means she should have 0s here, or you need to add it into the bio- for instance, how/why did she start training with blasters and her body?

I'd also like to point out that melee weapons are things like metal swords. Lightsabers don't count.

So hope that helps! This review has come to an end. When you modify Jasmine, I'll try to come back by and re-review. (That sounds funny. )

[Kella]

If you'd like to keep working on this, please post to let me know. Otherwise, I'll move it to Incomplete Profiles within about a week.