Serg Ba II

[Loraedon_029]

Name:Serg Ba II
Race:Human
Age:19
Height:5'9
Weight:3'5
Appearance:
Birth place:Dantooine

Faction:Jedi
Rank:Jedi Master

Bio:Born In Dantooine in the Time of Clone wars, Serg Ba II was the Son of the Great, Serg Ba I, whom to be a Grand Master to Be, But when the Crowning of His Jedi Title He Was Asassinated by a Bounty Hunter and The Ceremony Ended with Destruction, He Was born After the death of his Father, He was Trained by Obi Wan Kenobi back in time, but he was so busy, he orderd a Jedi Master to train Serg Ba II, When the End of Clone Wars, Order 66 is in Order They have nothing to do but War, on the Battle of Yavin, he tested all of his mind,intelligence and braveness. and so the story continues after the Battle of Yavin.

Lightsaber:Double-Bladed LightSaber
Color:Blue

Practiced Lightsaber forms:

Shii-Cho
Makashi
Soresu
Ataru
Shien / Djem So
>>Sub-form Backhanded
Niman
>>Sub-form Jar-kai, or Dual Wield
Juyo
Double Bladed Combat

Force-Sensitive Abilities or practices:

Telekinetic:6
Telepathic:6
Body:10
Sense:9
Protection:8
Healing:7
Destruction:5

Specialized Skills:

Attributes:

Physical Strength:8
Intelligence:10
Speed:6
Leadership:9

Unarmed: 4
Melee Weapons:9
Ranged Weapons:9

RP Sample:
Serg Ba II: Lead them to Battle!
Trooper: Yes Sir
They are outside to battle and Defend their Homeland...

[Cadyren]

I'm not a mod so you don't have to listen to me, I'm just trying to help you out.

-I believe the age limit for a Jedi Master is 32

-You need a written discription of your chracters appearance

-The plot takes place about 3000 years before Yavin, so none of the stuff in your bio could happen, and also if your trying to be a Jedi master you might want to make your app longer.

-You need to put a number between one and five for lightsaber stats

-I don't think you can have tens in a stat, so you will have to lower that. Also anything seven and higher has to be explained in the app.

- I think you might want to expand your RP sample

[Grawn]

Names Grim. Grim Jackal. And I'll be reviewing your bio today. Since I do not have any mod priviledges, you can do with my review as you will, but I do this in the interests of you joining our little community with little pain in the process.

Without further ado, I shall begin.


Age:19

I see you wish to make this character a Jedi Master. A Jedi Master is usually not a young guy, as it does take many years to become masterful in the Force. If your going for Master status, I would try and go for 40+ age.

Weight:3'5

We go by pounds here when going for weight, so I would adjust this accordingly.

Time of Clone wars

I am sorry to inform you that this site takes place 3000 years before the events of the movies. This would make it so that the Clone Wars weren't happening yet.

Son of the Great, Serg Ba I,

If the father was a man of greatness, a little explanation would be needed for bio flavor.

He was Trained by Obi Wan Kenobi back in time

It's clear you wish to say Obi Wan trained your character. Along with the fact that Obi Wan Kenobi doesn't exist in time peroid, it is also against the rules of the forum to have any lore characters personally involved with your toon.

Bio review finished. With the current list of no-nos, I'm sure the rest of the unmentioned will be amended. On to Stat Review.

Telekinetic:6
Telepathic:6
Body:10
Sense:9
Protection:8
Healing:7
Destruction:5

These stats are a bit iffy, because 10 is like saying you're a god in that catergory so I would lower that to a 8 which is the norm for Master ranks. I would also bring down Sense to 8 unless you can give a lengthy reason he would have it that high in your bio.

Generally when doing stats for a Master, I was always told 6-8 were the numbers to shoot for.

Unarmed: 4
Melee Weapons:9
Ranged Weapons:9

Again, I would lower the stats of melee and ranged down to 7ish. Being you didn't really give a reason nor history of why he would be so skilled with these weapons. Also remember that Lightsabers aren't considered Melee when doing these stats.

You also didn't list any skills for lightsabers which is highly unorthodox for a Jedi Master to not have any at all. I would amend this.

Serg Ba II: Lead them to Battle!
Trooper: Yes Sir
They are outside to battle and Defend their Homeland...

This isn't much of an RP sample. I would highly suggest looking at other members bios for examples and guidelines. A RP sample is an example of how good your roleplaying skills are and gives people a little insight on how you would be in an actual RP situation.

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This is the end of my review. I have outlined the major concerns but with a little tuning and elbow grease, I'm sure you'll be RPing in no time.

[Kella]

So it's easier for me to see that this is a work in progress, could you put (WIP) in the title for me? Thanks so much!
~Kella

[Kella]

Moved to Incomplete Profiles due to user inactivity. Will be restored upon request.