Post by SlipLihte on Apr 2, 2010 14:40:34 GMT -5
Heya Adram, and welcome to the site! Sorry I haven't welcomed you in the proper thread yet, but I'll make up for it by giving you a quick fire review here. Just before I get into anything, I just want to mention that I'm not a mod or staff member, just someone out to offer a helping hand, so if you don't agree with something I say just let it go until Kella has a look at this. Now, with that over, let's get on to the app itself.
First impressions were good. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but a lot of them look like typos, and they don't detract much from the read. I'm not going to point out all of them, so if you have one, perhaps you should copy and paste everything into a spellchecker of some sort (I use Word for all my posts).
Now, in terms of things I noticed that could be looked at:
1. You've put his height and weight in metric units. Apparently, the preference here is for US Imperial, i.e. feet and lbs. I'm not sure if you'll be required to change it, but perhaps you should include it just in case.
2. Now, of your bio section, I would say it does pander around a little, though it didn't really bother me much. What I'm trying to say is that you discuss what he did with his life during his youngling years in a very general sense, and there are only two points on which you really focus. Like I said, it doesn't bother me much, but you may want to add a few specifics in there to fill up the years. For instance, you don't really mention how he got along with fellow students and instructors.
3. This may seem like a hard point, but you probably won't be allowed to keep the part about Ataru in his history, or the 2 points you've got there in his stats. Ataru is an advanced form, derived from Shii-Cho, and learning it is not allowed among Younglings as far as I know. I have seen other cases of this among Youngling applications, and I can tell you that they've been told to change it because of this.
4. One thing that concerns me, although is again not much of a worry, is that he only has his first practice duel at 11. I'm not sure, but I believe Younglings begin taking part in practice duels at around 7-9, when they've progressed to the final lightsaber classes they'll take part in before they are taken as Padawan. This is really just an academic point, so it'll likely have little bearing on getting accepted.
5. Just as a point of interest, Jedi Padawan aren't sent to work in the archives if they don't get a master, hey're sent to the Jedi Corps.
6. Your stats look ok, except for the 2 in Ataru which I've already mentioned. I've seen 11 year old Padawan learners with a 3 in Shii-Cho, so that should be ok. Force stats balance it out as well.
7. You have a lot of points in Melee and Ranged weapons, though I'm not sure why. If he's taken from home just before age 3, and has Jedi training all the way from then on, how did he get any experience with bladed weapons and blasters? Just so you know, lightsabers aren't governed by the melee weapons stat at all.
8. His Force Attunement is...well...high. To clarify, the Jedi Council Members have one or two +8s, a few +7s and then +6s and lower. A character this young, with only a basic understanding of what it is to be a Jedi, would be pushing it at +4. I've had a look at a few Padawan profiles and most of them are around +2 or 3.
Well, that's all I noticed. Like I said, I got a good impression while reading this for the first time, though I do think you could do with a handful more details about his time as a Youngling (though, to be fair, it is already quite detailed for Youngling level). Other than that, the stats are all quick-fix matters, so you could be getting this accepted pretty soon. Hope to see you on the forum in good time!
Cheers,
Slip
First impressions were good. There are a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but a lot of them look like typos, and they don't detract much from the read. I'm not going to point out all of them, so if you have one, perhaps you should copy and paste everything into a spellchecker of some sort (I use Word for all my posts).
Now, in terms of things I noticed that could be looked at:
1. You've put his height and weight in metric units. Apparently, the preference here is for US Imperial, i.e. feet and lbs. I'm not sure if you'll be required to change it, but perhaps you should include it just in case.
2. Now, of your bio section, I would say it does pander around a little, though it didn't really bother me much. What I'm trying to say is that you discuss what he did with his life during his youngling years in a very general sense, and there are only two points on which you really focus. Like I said, it doesn't bother me much, but you may want to add a few specifics in there to fill up the years. For instance, you don't really mention how he got along with fellow students and instructors.
3. This may seem like a hard point, but you probably won't be allowed to keep the part about Ataru in his history, or the 2 points you've got there in his stats. Ataru is an advanced form, derived from Shii-Cho, and learning it is not allowed among Younglings as far as I know. I have seen other cases of this among Youngling applications, and I can tell you that they've been told to change it because of this.
4. One thing that concerns me, although is again not much of a worry, is that he only has his first practice duel at 11. I'm not sure, but I believe Younglings begin taking part in practice duels at around 7-9, when they've progressed to the final lightsaber classes they'll take part in before they are taken as Padawan. This is really just an academic point, so it'll likely have little bearing on getting accepted.
5. Just as a point of interest, Jedi Padawan aren't sent to work in the archives if they don't get a master, hey're sent to the Jedi Corps.
6. Your stats look ok, except for the 2 in Ataru which I've already mentioned. I've seen 11 year old Padawan learners with a 3 in Shii-Cho, so that should be ok. Force stats balance it out as well.
7. You have a lot of points in Melee and Ranged weapons, though I'm not sure why. If he's taken from home just before age 3, and has Jedi training all the way from then on, how did he get any experience with bladed weapons and blasters? Just so you know, lightsabers aren't governed by the melee weapons stat at all.
8. His Force Attunement is...well...high. To clarify, the Jedi Council Members have one or two +8s, a few +7s and then +6s and lower. A character this young, with only a basic understanding of what it is to be a Jedi, would be pushing it at +4. I've had a look at a few Padawan profiles and most of them are around +2 or 3.
Well, that's all I noticed. Like I said, I got a good impression while reading this for the first time, though I do think you could do with a handful more details about his time as a Youngling (though, to be fair, it is already quite detailed for Youngling level). Other than that, the stats are all quick-fix matters, so you could be getting this accepted pretty soon. Hope to see you on the forum in good time!
Cheers,
Slip
As I said in my introduction thread it’s my first sw rp so I am bound to make mistakes and they’re going to need correcting at times 
